tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2799044563737983752024-02-20T09:09:25.131-08:00Chronic Storms - Chronic SunshinePositive living and support for others living with chronic illness. It isn't easy being sick in a world that doesn't understand. You are not alone!Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.comBlogger394125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-84918221219238066052023-05-03T12:25:00.001-07:002023-05-05T17:44:15.057-07:00Symptoms of Being Human<p>The last time I posted on my blog was 2021. I was shocked when I read this. So much to share since December of 2021. I could be here all day but I’ll pass. </p><p>The reason I am here in this moment of time is because I read the title of a song called Symptoms of Being Human. I don’t know why but that one hit me like a brick. My head went right to thinking, what about the symptoms of chronic illness, but then I stopped myself. I started to think of the symptoms of being human that we all faced when a global pandemic hit. We all were affected together. Those who lost loved ones, friends, and coworkers. There’s a good chance we all new someone who lost their life to the virus. If not we certainly either had the disease or know someone who had the virus, maybe more than once. We all felt the pain. We felt the uncertainty together. We all missed out on life but also came together encouraging those who needed it the most. The symptoms of being human really made us think about our lives. One of the hardest questions we asked ourself, and maybe still are, is what does the future look like. Many are still trying to figure that out. Everything still feeling so unknown. It’s hard to get back to some kind of normal life. The best part is that eventually we all will it may just take a little more time. One of the greatest symptoms of being human is our resilience. We always bounce back.</p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">We are all human so we are able to relate on the symptoms of being human. But what happens when chronic illness hits? The symptoms of being human can be brutal at times. The why’s. The trying to figure it out. The finding doctors and getting the appropriate care. Finding the energy to make it through the day. The tests. The surgeries. The procedures that all seem to never end. The list goes on and on. It </span><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">is a little more complex and few will ever be able to relate. How sad this is for those of us who manage our daily lives with chronic issues. No one understands. People try and let me tell you from experience there are some absolute angels out there who never give up on us. We appreciate them so. The symptoms of being human turn into the symptoms of survival on a daily basis. Most of us try our best to stay positive and put on the face of normalcy but we are anything but normal. We fight, hard. We dream of only having to deal with symptoms of being human and wait for that day to return.</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;"><br></span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">God Bless!</span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;">Dianne</span></p>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-73756843460746563342021-12-07T11:55:00.001-08:002021-12-07T11:55:09.582-08:00A Day in the Life<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhHyi1_Urvie1eGA1R3KoBJYC0cs7wueOElAajOJ590ujbFVfKod2-LqSTNVlQsNTBIIO1CwbkoZcQSVA6_YGPc27B5P13d4X4An_4H5SNehVUBfXx8HWRksei1vuB8m51eqTH2aXLx2JG5Rlp3YlXBDB-62t_rMKP9cH2qaBTkIceIeVdCAtgUr_8jDA=s2048" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhHyi1_Urvie1eGA1R3KoBJYC0cs7wueOElAajOJ590ujbFVfKod2-LqSTNVlQsNTBIIO1CwbkoZcQSVA6_YGPc27B5P13d4X4An_4H5SNehVUBfXx8HWRksei1vuB8m51eqTH2aXLx2JG5Rlp3YlXBDB-62t_rMKP9cH2qaBTkIceIeVdCAtgUr_8jDA=s320" width="320" /></a></div>Welcome to the madness. This is me getting organized. It may resemble a small war zone or possibly the kitchen of a hoarder. Believe me its not. It’s the kitchen of a person struggling through unforgiving chronic illness and pain. You would think once in a while the illness could apologize. Just say, “Hey buckle up todays not going to go as you planned in your head,”refer back to the photo. It’s much more disastrous in person. I’ve learned photos have a way of being forgiving. Last week I ordered the storage containers to the left of the sink along with exciting plans, in my head, to get organized. A few days ago I took the containers out of the box and unwrapped them all and put them on the table. Baby steps happen when you live with chronic illness. Today I woke up, found myself in my madness, drank my coffee, moaned a lot, and decided to start the process of pulling all the staples out of the cupboard to organize them. I did a few containers then left for an appointment. I made a stop at the store for a few items which is always a deal breaker for any physical plans I have for the rest of the day. Couple this with the pain and mental struggle and the fatigue takes over. I pushed myself to finish the rest of the containers and that was that, time for a rest. The rest of my day will consist of getting the mess back in order. Little by little it will happen. <p></p><p>This year has been absolutely brutal for Rich and I. January foot fusion, from the arthritis, with lots and lots of plates and screws. Six weeks of non weight bearing which meant a scooter to get around. Walking boot for six weeks and progressed too a shoe which is extremely hard after not walking for 8 weeks. It was hard but to say the least, but we made it through. I was on the mend but continued to have severe worsening pain. Seven months later doc order a ct scan which showed a broken bone. This led to another foot surgery in September to remove some hardware and to fix the broken bone. More screws more plates in another area that had not fused since January. Very frustrating to say the least. This second surgery was basically no different from the first, non weight bearing again for six weeks, and much more frustration, and sadness. Everyday was a struggle I never imagined this would happen to me. Well, we made it through and after the six weeks here we go again. Walking boot for another four to six weeks then progress to a shoe. I am currently in the medical shoe I had from last time because the swelling is so bad its impossible to get a shoe on. The swelling and pain were so bad I didn’t think I could do it anymore but its really not like me to ever think like that. I’ve never felt so alone and isolated in my life. Keeping my head above water is all I can do right now. I can’t see outside myself right now. Some people may think that sounds selfish but it’s not at all. It’s my reality at this time. I know it will get better it always does.</p><p>Did I forget to mention I also had a knee replacement in June? All on a broken foot we didn’t know about at that time. Thought I should add that in for good measure. Compared to my foot the knee was a breeze. Painful yes but well worth the pain. The best part was I able to walk and living was easier being able to walk after surgery compared to not walking. <span> </span></p><p>The other foot and knee are an issue to that will eventually need to be addressed but for now I am focused on healing from this year. Once I am able to be more mobile and in less pain maybe I will begin to process having to deal with this all over again but for now no. A day in the life of chronic illness is never the same. You wake up not knowing what you’re gonna get. Could be a halfway decent day or a halfassed day. You take what you get. On most days I don’t understand but I do my best. I’m almost to my birthday again. How they come around so fast is beyond me. I will continue to make the best of this coming year. I’ll do what I can when I can and sit to rest when I have to. Focusing on me is hard. When your a giver it’s a battle of the mind. God is good and all the blessings around me keep me grounded. I’ll give where I can and continue to keep the hope!</p><p>God Bless!</p><p>Dianne</p>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-61165107142722823612021-04-26T12:08:00.001-07:002021-04-26T12:08:14.206-07:00My Life is a made for TV Movie<p> <b>Scene One:<br /></b></p><p><b>This morning as I was sitting at my island drinking coffee and wondering how my life has progressed to this, and by this, I mean what I am living. Over the past few years I've had a lot of tears over this made for TV movie life. I mean more of a made for TV reality show. Through all the tears there have been many laughs too. For example, I'll use yesterday. I honesty haven't combed or cut my cats nails since January. I'm not proud of that but its the truth. After many days of this Sunday ended up being the day Sunday. May sound like not a big deal to someone leading a fairly normal life without many physical limitations but for me its like a mountain. I grabbed all the tools, sat in the chair, and told Rich this is it. He held the kitties down while their nails were trimmed and that went well. One thing down and one thing left the combing. I sat back in the chair and said to Rich, "Now I have to get on the floor." Of course him in his usual fashion, "You can do it." So I did it. If this was a movie this was when the audience would either chuckle or laugh. I rolled out of the chair and landed on bertha. Ah, I made it. I was reluctant to tell him, "Ya, I know I can make it down but then I have to get back up." Chuckling to myself thinking this isn't going to be pretty as I combed mounds of fur out of my kitties. Crap, now its time to get up. Mind you I did get on the floor a month or so ago when I was home alone. I got on my knees to get up and I was dismayed. "What the heck am I going to do to get up?" I looked around the room and tried to figure something out until I decided to just pull myself up. You see when your knees are so bad and your feet are painful little things like this can be big issues. Laughing the whole time and talking to the dogs I managed to roll myself onto the couch. Out of breath from the weight gain, which has also tormented me, I laid on the couch laughing while the dogs licked my face to death. The big finish. When I think about it its pretty amazing how you can entertain yourself when you are alone. My therapists, known as Eva and Ella, apparently agreed. I'm happy to say at least I accomplished one thing on Sunday and the cats are good for a month or two. Rich got behind me and helped me up and we didn't even laugh. Success!<br /></b></p><p><b>Scene two:</b> </p><h1 style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: small;">The few years have been brutal to say the least. My feet have been a problem for years. I have told my Rheumatologists about them and all I ever got was deer in the headlights looks. I thought they knew about arthritis? Just very confusing to me. I know my medical history is extensive but come on that doesn't make me stupid. When you can visually see huge balls on the top of someones feet and they complain about excruciating pain wouldn't that set something off in at least one doctors brain to take xrays? Finally I got to the point where the pain affecting everything. Walking was getting impossible. I knew something was terribly wrong. I finally made an appointment with my PCP's PA and she was dumbfounded. She thought maybe the large balls were ganglion cysts so I was hopeful, finally someone is believing me. She immediately sent me to a foot doc. Xrays were taken and he said I had severe arthritis in my left foot and moderate in my right. Finally another doctor who understood what a relief. We had to jump through all the hoops. Injections that worked on my right foot but did nothing for the left. By this time the pain was so bad I could hardly stand it. I tried the more expensive shoes and inserts recommended. No help. All hoops failed so are you convinced insurance that I need some real help? Surgery was scheduled. In January Dr Buchanan opened me up and was more surprised at what he found. He knew it was bad but he said when he got in there it was a mess. He cleaned it all out and put three plates and fourteen screws in. He said the cartilage was gray and there was a yellow fluid in there that he took out. He validated all my severe pain and said he knew I had been in severe pain. I was so relieved after surgery. It was done now I could start returning to life. Not so fast. Six weeks no weight/walking on that left foot. I thought no problem I can do that. Wow what a ride that was. I found muscles I never knew I had and had to take valium to sleep. Ever go to the bathroom with one leg? Ever take a shower with one leg? No details but I am thankful more than ever for Rich. He was and is absolutely the best caregiver anyone could ever want. It was like he could read my mind. I guess he learned from me because a year before this fiasco he broke two ribs and had to have surgery. It was just awful but we made it through that and we will make it through this. I am still in pain, the foot is still swollen and I'm still using my walker at home and a cane when going out. I try to push myself. Mentally I am feeling much more myself with my positive attitude but there are still days I cry more than I ever have. I cry more because I can't see my family like I would or like I use to. Talk about excruciating pain. I won't even go there. Better days ahead on this front too!<br /></span></h1><p><b>Scene Three:</b></p><p><b>I knew I left something out of the first and second scene. My knees. I began having knee pain years ago. My first two Rheumatologists always tried to help me. The second was a master. I just loved him. He would come in the exam room and know by looking at me what was going on. I was truly heart broken when he left. He would be a hard on to replace and I never have. In 2016 my right knee began swelling more and more it was so tight I could hardly walk on it. He did an ultrasound and found a baker's cyst. He drained it and injected me with sweet meds that took the pain away, not a cure but relief. Since then I have had steroid injections that have helped. In the blink of an eye 2019 arrived. My left knee went berserk on me. Like the snap of the finger excruciating pain once again. Tears. Yes tears it was so bad. I couldn't put any weight on it without crying. It was the worst pain I had experienced from my arthritis as of yet. What should I do? If I go to the ER they will send me home and say call your rheumatologist. Of course I called my rheumatologist after a week of pain. It took a week because I was hoping the pain would go away as fast as it came on. It didn't so oral steroids. Absolutely no help what so ever. Called back and she put me on a higher dose for longer, absolutely no help. Called back again a few weeks later and she said come in for steroid injection but I can't get in for a week. Unacceptable looking back. I looked forward to that injection the whole week and the day before she cancelled. No reason just said not necessary. What?? I knew in that moment it was time to find a new rheumatologist. I ended up looking up orthopedics and found there was a urgent care ortho so I called and went in that day for an injection. Mind you this had been over two months of getting the run a round. The PA I saw at the urgent care was shocked I hadn't seen a doc and was in this much pain. The MRI showed arthritis and over time It began to feel better. Weeks of therapy too. I have been on a regular schedule every three months since having steroid injections since then. A month before my foot surgery guess what left knee went carzy on me once again. I couldn't put weight on it without that excruciating pain. Back to the urgent care. I got an injection and I have a brace. The brace made it worse so back for a different one. I also got one for the right knee that was starting to get stiffer. I had the foot surgery and the plan was that hopefully with the injection and six weeks of no weight on the left leg the knee would get better. Wrong. I started walking and the more weight I able to put on the foot also meant more weight on the knee. Both knees at this time have been stiff, walking is hard, steps the worst. This horror story continues. I was referred to a knee doc and he and I were not a good fit at all. First he comes through the door like Kremer on Seinfeld and scared the crap out of me. No knock or hi. I lost my total train of thought when he said,"Are you sure this isn't foot pain and not your knee?" Dumbfounded I didn't know what to say but I did manage to say no this is not my foot. He said, "Your xrays look pretty good." That's funny because that's not what I've been told. He ordered a MRI but I was done at that point. Thinking to myself no you won't be seeing me back in this office @**$%#!. I have decided after my last rheumatologist that I will not stay with any doctor who questions me in any manner that isn't professional or isn't treating my illness as it should be treated. Yes I have that extensive medical history but I am still a person. Yes I see a lot of doctors but I suffer and need help. So see ya later buddy. I called my PCP had her order the MRI instead of using his order. Talked to my daughter who works as a nurse in a surgery center and she gave me the name of her knee guy so this Friday hello Dr Hop. I had the MRI and this time on top of the progressing arthritis in all three compartments of the knee I have a large torn meniscus, a large joint effusion which is a fancy way of saying fluid, and a large bakers cyst. I believe this was the issue back in 2019 which was never addressed correctly. Exact pain and exact agony. This Friday may be the beginning of scene five in my made for TV reality show/movie. I am both nervous and optimistic. Could this finally be the right doctor to get my knee(s) back on track? Hoping he will find out what is going on with my right one too. </b></p><p><b>Scene Four: (The Best Scent)<br /></b></p><p><b>HOPE! The one thing I'll never lose. Yes there are days I want it all to end but then I remember my babies faces. I remember a man who is so selfless and would take my pain if he could. I remember my kids and the people who love me and check in on me daily. The pictures, videos, and Facetimes from my kids and grands. The friend who is like a diamond in the rough texting me all the time even though we can't see each other. The hope of meeting up with other dear friends soon. The hope that can be all but gone and then the spark that is ignited in their love. In their eyes. In their smiles. Grands asking when they can see me and that they miss me. Oh my heart. It makes scene four so much easier to deal with than scene one, two, and three. Love really does heal all, at least for me.<br /></b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b>God Bless!</b></p><p><b>Dianne<br /></b></p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><br /></p>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-63687858705746617622018-12-11T10:35:00.000-08:002018-12-11T10:35:31.412-08:00A Year in the LifeHere we are with another year coming to an end. As each year begins I think to myself this will be my year and things will be better. December 31, 2017 I said it again, as I did the year before that, and the year before that. This year turned out to be one of the worst as far as health and even more taking care of my parents. My dad's Lewy Body Dementia became quite bad as the year progressed. We had to move him to assisted living hoping that was going to take some of the stress off of us, especially my mom, as his sundowners was becoming worse. But our experience turned out to be quite the opposite of what we had envisioned. The facility he went to didn't seem to have experience with Lewy Body behaviors which in turned made it rough on my mother and I. Phone calls when they didn't know what to do with him, unnecessary visits to the ER, and his behaviors becoming much worse. In the end we had to call hospice to start palliative care which turned out to be a blessing for all three of us. It was the first time in three years we started to feel more relaxed about the steps we were taking in his care plan. I hate to say it but was a blessing that he passed but it was. Those who have never experienced a situations such as ours may think it is cold and uncaring. Quite the opposite. My dad would have died if he knew what his behaviors were like in the end. Stupid disease is all I can say. His whole life he helped and cared for people and would never hurt anyone. He became a police officer to do just that. The stories he would tell me about helping people were dear to my heart. All the abused women and children he would get help for and check up on them, the homeless people he would personally take to Mel Trotter for the night because they were drunk or laying on the streets in the cold. He could have been a jerk and left them on the side of the road but his heart was too big. The kids he found in a house when he went to arrest the parents and the kids were in two big holes in the couch and said that was where they slept with the mice. He scooped them up so fast and got them out of there. I know that one really affected him. The teenagers he would pull over while they were drinking and having fun and if they weren't to drunk he would take their booze dump it out and let them go. Mind you that was a different age and time so you must take that into consideration, he just remembered he was a kid at one time too. Oh the stories I have of his goodness. You hear of all the bad stuff cops do and I don't disagree there are some dirty ones but for every bad one there is more than likely many more good ones. Believe it.<br />
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I didn't intend for this blog about illness to go on and on about my dad I actually came here to write about a year in the life of chronic illness. There are so many illnesses I could write down for this year but it might make your head spin right right off. The tip of the iceberg. I was back on prednisone this week for my RA knee pain and it got me reflecting over this past year. I absolutely hate to admit it but according to my head count I have been on prednisone either eight or nine times in 2018 and we still have a few weeks to go. Yikes and yes you read that right all you anti steroid medication takers out there. It seemed like I would conquer one issue and another would pop up. It was either sinus issues, bronchitis, knee/joint pain, or my asthma all on a consistant rotation basis. I even had two doctors make unnecessary comments. One being, "You don't look sick." (sinus infection) The other, "We are going to be calling you a frequent flyer soon." (bronchitis) Seriously? It's like you go in shock when you hear this stuff. Do they really think people could make this stuff up? I don't get it at all. Needless to say if you can avoid urgent care and see your own doctors office doctors do it. Lesson learned.<br />
This year my asthma has not played well at all. My lung function was down 14% last time I had my breathing test so my pulmonologist added another inhaler on top of the ones I already use regularly. I am happy to finally have that under control and am back on my regular treatment plan. Hope this doesn't jinx me writing that. Having infections non stop is not good for asthma breathing issues, it all seems to be connected. The only thing that helps through a flare of asthma is prednisone and believe me when you can't get air in your lungs you will take anything they give you to be able to breathe.. I have been very agitated and anxiety has crept in this year. I know my dad was a lot and contributed to my health problems this year. I didn't take care of myself at all. It was go, go, go at 100% speed not only physically but mentally. After my dad died I really hit rock bottom. I've never dealt with depression but if this was it I had it. My last bought of bronchitis started October 1st. I was back to the doctor two times after that for a total of three rounds of antibiotics. I finally feel like things are coming around. When I went back I talked to her about the anxiety and depression and started a low dose antidepressant. I am finally feeling more like my happy self. I think. It still seems up and down but definitely more good days than bad. I still feel like I'm on a roller coaster trying to figure out my life again but I will get there. Reflecting back is good it helps you make sense of things but I've also learned you can't stay there forever. Rich helps me with this. Looking back helps you look forward. I continue to tell myself things will be better in 2019 because I truly believe they will. Once again it all goes back to that one little four letter word. HOPE. I made it through somehow, someway. Giving up is never an option. Going through the hard times makes us appreciate the good times more. Realizing how good I have it even in the bad, even on my worst days, gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow. I hope you can find that too in your journey.<br />
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God Bless!<br />
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Dianne<br />
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<br />Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-18132113560328919572018-06-08T12:31:00.003-07:002018-06-08T12:34:28.060-07:00Who's to BlameHuman nature sure likes to trick our minds into thinking everything that happens to us has to have a reason or an answer. Think about it, everything that happens to us that we don't like or agree with instantly puts us into the mode of blame. It has to be someone or something's fault. Life should be good and always happy according to our standards.<br />
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Last night was a rough night for me as far as pain goes. I started wearing my fitbit during the day to push myself to walk more and to stay more active. Keep moving according to doctors which is so easy for them to say. I'm doing it. A few nights ago I decided to start wearing it to bed to see my sleep patterns and map out in my head if they are as bad as I think they are on the nights I toss and turn in pain. Last night it said I was awake and restless a total of thirty seven minutes. When I looked at it this morning I thought to myself that isn't so bad but when I think back on the night I feel like I want to yell at the fitbit and tell it something is wrong with those readings because I was awake a lot more than that. After all I have to blame someone so why not the fitbit, stupid thing anyway. I pulled myself back together and realized sleep deprivations makes me cranky. <br />
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I had Mya overnight for a few nights and after I dropped her off I heard a song from quite a few years back by Sara Evans called A Little Bit Stronger. Like most songs it's about heartache and a break up I listened to the distant words and each one came back as I tried to sing with my scratchy crap voice that has withered away over the years. I thought to myself this could apply to being sick everyday of your life.<br />
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A Little Bit Stronger</h2>
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<b><a href="https://www.bing.com/search?q=sara+evans&filters=ufn%3a%22sara+evans%22+sid%3a%22edee4eb4-0364-fbb5-b39a-e84a0b84d75b%22&FORM=SNAPST" style="color: #001ba0; text-decoration: none; touch-action: manipulation;">Sara Evans</a></b></div>
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<b>Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />But I brushed my teeth anyway, got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I got a little bit stronger.</b></div>
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<b>Riding in the car to work, and I'm trying to ignore the hurt.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.</b></div>
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<b>And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />Letting you drag my heart around.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />And ohhh<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I know my heart will never be the same, <br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.</b></div>
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<b>Doesn't happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by, <br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />And you realize you haven't cried.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm busy getting stronger.</b></div>
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<b>And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />Letting you drag my heart around.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />And ohhh<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I know my heart will never be the same, <br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />But I'm telling myself I'll be okay.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.</b></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; border: 0px none rgb(68, 68, 68); color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style: outside none none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<b>Getting along without you baby,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm better off without you baby,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />How does it feel with out me baby?<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm getting stronger without you baby.</b></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; border: 0px none rgb(68, 68, 68); color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style: outside none none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<b>And I'm done hoping that we can work it out,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />Letting you drag my heart around.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />And ohhh<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I'm done thinking, that you could ever change.<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />I know my heart will never be the same, <br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />But I'm telling myself I'll be okay,<br style="border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px;" />Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.</b></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-collapse: collapse; border-spacing: 0px; border: 0px none rgb(68, 68, 68); color: #444444; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style: outside none none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 10px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<b>A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.</b></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
I get a little bit stronger everyday, every year. I use to blame everything and everyone. I'd get mad when I saw happy people my age able to do whatever they wanted physically. It seemed so unfair as I hardly had energy to go out to dinner with Rich. I use to let that mind game hell consume me, but not anymore. Now I get up and say bring it on bitch. I've gone from crying to Rich about how unfair this is to not caring much, even after a night like last night. If I can'd do something I can't do it, after so many years it becomes your life.The guilt of holding Rich back in life begging him to divorce me so he could have the life he deserves with someone else. When I think back on that and even writing it now it makes me laugh. That's how I know I've come such a long way. If the tables were turned there would be no way in hell I'd leave him if he was the sick one. I've grown that's for sure. I've learned to take the good with the bad, just as everyone else does with their crap.</div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
I have to believe tonight's sleep will be much better than last nights.Its no ones fault. Its the disease. Disease hates us and for some reason wants to devour us. It's still hard but changing my attitude has helped me so much. Doing more things that I love or just sitting and doing nothing but binging on Netflix. Working hard on taking the negative out and putting some positive in. It's not always easy. It's like a full time job in it self but like I always say I will win over this disease today and forever. </div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Disclaimer: This is today who knows how I feel tomorrow...the story continues. Hang on my friends and keep up the good fight and if you have to blame something or someone, go for it. Just don't let the blame last for too long.</div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
God Bless!</div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<br /></div>
<div class="b_paractl" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: transparent; border-bottom-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-bottom-style: none; border-bottom-width: 0px; border-collapse: collapse; border-image-outset: 0; border-image-repeat: stretch; border-image-slice: 100%; border-image-source: none; border-image-width: 1; border-left-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-left-style: none; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-right-style: none; border-right-width: 0px; border-spacing: 0px 0px; border-top-color: rgb(68, 68, 68); border-top-style: none; border-top-width: 0px; color: #444444; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,Sans-Serif; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 19.5px; list-style-image: none; list-style-position: outside; list-style-type: none; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; padding-bottom: 10px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
Dianne</div>
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Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-27154827824160480382017-11-16T11:46:00.000-08:002017-11-16T11:46:16.477-08:00Chronic MarriageIt's fall if that's what you want to call it this year. This year it seemed like summer until the end of October and rain non stop since. Our favorite time of the year around here. Hunting and walking in the woods without dying of heat stroke and actually being able to breath to some degree. It's also a time Rich takes a few days off from work not only to hunt but to clean. You know do all the things I hate doing one being washing windows. I always say, "What does it matter anyway they just get dirty again anyway." Today before he went outside to do the windows he said, "When I get done with this I'm going to clean the floors." My eyes popped out of my head and of course my mouth opened, "Oh no you're not." We argued on the subject for a few minutes and he went outside. Immediately I got all my stuff out and started doing the floors. That's my territory. It's funny how we both look at that so differently. He looks at it from the standpoint that I shouldn't be doing it because of my breathing anf other issues. I look at it as he's taking away my jobs. The things that give me meaning. Sounds silly doesn't it? Even as I write that I have to chuckle. To all the fairly healthy people who look at cleaning their floors as an inconvenience. It's Mount Everest for me. I know people are thinking wow how lucky you are to have a man who wants to do it. If that's what you are thinking you are completely missing my point. It has nothing to do with that because believe me I appreciate everything he does for me. The basic point is that when you are sick and people try to do all the things you use to do it is mentally and emotionally hard to have those things taken from you. The word worthless comes to mind every time he so innocently tries to do the things I have always done. I don't want to give up anymore than I already have. Chronic marriage is just that chronic. The illness doesn't go away. In fact Rich is the only one who truly knows. Example this morning. I laid on the couch until almost noon trying to get enough energy to get dressed. Yes, that is chronic illness, our chronic marriage. He has to not only put up with things like that but my bitchy moods when I feel like crap. My snapping at him for nothing at all. Oh wait that marriage. I know, minus the illness, there are so many things and times I annoy the hell out of him too. But it's ok because this IS forever, our forever. In sickness and health. We both took that one serious but he gets to show and live it daily.<br />
I honestly never would have thought about this because it's just our way of life, until last week when someone made a comment to Rich that I don't want to repeat. It made me think about all the shallow ignorant people who have no filter when it comes to illness. The more I thought about it the more I realized it may or may not be stupidity but just that some people have never experienced the chronic part of illness. We all have illness affect us in one way or another but until it happens to you or someone you actually live with you have no idea so it may be a better option to say nothing. Try to care about the person and what they live with. I wish people could ask Rich how he is doing in all this. It seems nobody does. Caring should come before ignorance in any situation regardless. It's actually quite simple. I don't have much more to add to that.<br />
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Writing this helps me to move on from comments like that. It helps me to write it here and wipe it out of my head. It helps me to look through clean windows and see the man I love out there on the ladder doing what he does best, taking care of me. I am thankful for that everyday!<br />
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God Bless!<br />
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DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-74671202636821253362017-11-09T11:05:00.002-08:002017-11-09T11:05:25.299-08:00Changes are in the AirWell, Hello there. It's been a while. How've you been? I have purposely stayed away from here for reasons too many to write about. I cranked up the Pink Floyd and my creative mind decided to run the gamut on all I've been through over the years. I try not to go back too far because then it puts me in the negative place of asking all the why questions and being a person who hates negativity I stopped the crazy. I in turn whittled it down to the last two years, which then became the last year, give or take a month or six. Its been a rough summer to say the least or maybe more like a rough year but shortening it to summer sounds less stressful and painful, at least to me. It always amazes me how much my mind controls when it comes to pain. When I'm in it there are times it is excruciating and there the times it's doable and other times it's not, but I still believe the mind controls what we tell ourselves and after the painful times are done I can always convince myself, "It wasn't that bad." Plus I made it through to the other side of it." In the end that's all that matters.<br />
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It will be a year on January 3, 2017 since I started a new RA biologic drug called Humira. Yes, I know the actual and and I capitalized it since I had high hopes when I started it. Especially since I would see the commercials of people on the drug who where flying around on merry go rounds and had roses and kisses coming out of their asses. It was going to be the answer to all my pain and my life would be "normal" again, at least my normal. Funny, because my normal has been anything but for a long time. The joint pain, fatigue, answelling has controlled my life long enough. I thought, or at least hoped, after I started the Humira things would change but that's when the side effects took center stage, always an issue for me the side effects. Ugh. Humira does not play well with asthma/copd. My breathing became so bad I could hardly do anything without having to use my rescue inhaler, this on top of two other inhalers I was on. I called my rheumetologist and he said if this continued we would have to try a different biologic. The problem was just after that call I got a letter he was leaving and moving north, far north. Talk about a stab in the heart. I really connected with him and he was such a help to me over the few years. I was heartbroken. Now what? Over the years he had been my second rheumatologist and now I had to find another? I know it doesn't sound like a big deal but believe me it is. With all our complex medical issues we need a doctor who looks at us as a whole and finding one you mesh with can be difficult. In the meantime I stayed on the Humira and found a new rheumatologist. I have had three appointments witch him and I feel we are getting to that comfortable place with each other. I really like him and he listens to me and answers all my questions. Three months ago we switched to Embrel and wow what a difference with my breathing. I am off one inhaler and have been able to cut way back on the rescue inhaler. This is huge for me. You cannot imagine how exhausting it is not to be able to get air in your lungs it's unexplainable. All I know is I feel better and that's all that matters to me.<br />
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One other huge change is the level of pain I was experiencing. He gave me another cortisone shot in my knew three months ago when I saw him and the night time knee pain has significantly improved. This week was a cortisone shot in my hip for bursitis. I'm waiting for that to help more but it is an improvement during the day. Sleep can be hard when you are in pain. No sleep equals bad days for sure. The Embrel seems to be taking effect too because I am beginning to feel better as a whole. I woke up a few days this week and thought to myself. "I feel good." I cannot tell you the last time I have woke up thinking that. Fatigue and feeling sick all the time are just a couple of the symptoms of RA. I know people think it is just joint pain but it is so much more. It is a whole body issue. I could on with all the symptoms but why bore you with all that. I hope you get the point. The most importantly being if someone you know is ill please just believe them. I honestly don't know how anyone could make all this up. Have compassion, that's all. Like they say until it happens to you, you will never understand. True in all illness.<br />
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Changes are in the air and not just with the weather. I can feel changes coming on. I'm going to stay focused on that positive and not allow myself to look backwards too much and if I do I'm going to remember how far I have come in the past few months. According to my doctors the biologics can take up to a year to fully work so from here on out it can only get better. That being said I still have to take it slow. Pacing myself is how I get through all of this. It's so easy when you have a ok day to over do it only to pay for it for the next two or three days. I'm learning, slowly but surely but learning none the less. I only hope the same for you.<br />
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God Bless!<br />
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DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-73264999254524297862017-06-28T13:28:00.001-07:002017-06-28T13:59:36.027-07:00Gosh that felt goodI even surprised myself today. I was leaving a store and ran into someone I haven't seen in a while. After a few minutes of chit chat she asked me how I was doing and I answered, "Better." I didn't think much about my answer until I got n the car. I realized it was probably one of the first times I said better and actually meant it. Wow, what an eye opening answer. At that specific moment I really and truly felt better. Now that I've been home a bit my answer probably would be more of an okay than a better but that's the way it goes. Okay is the usual answer when I'm asked how I am. Up and down is a way of life for me now. It's seems when I'm better I am able to live easier on my terms not the worlds. It still is very thought provoking for me when I say I am better and people think I am able to do all the things they want me to do. I can't, and I still have to let people down easy when they assume my better is some sort of availability to them. Sure I would love to meet everyone that wants to meet me for lunch or dinner but it just isn't possible anymore. Sometimes I wonder if my saying yes to everyone my whole life got me here. I know it didn't cause my disease but I'm sure it didn't help the process much. I have finally learned that I have to put myself first and everyone else second, with the exception of my immediate family because they will always come first.<br />
When pain becomes a way of life it's the days that are better that you are able to see things clearer and grab for the stars. If I have a better day I want to do as many things as I possibly can on that day. The problem is when that happens it causes me to have more pain and fatigue and bad days to follow. It's such a vicious cycle like a wave going in and out at sea except your wave is a jumbled up mess. Illness comes in waves that you have no control over. Too bad treatments and living right can't fix it all. You have to learn how to do that in your head by not letting it eat you alive. The metal fight is harder than the physical. The perfect example from my perspective would be comparing it to a dental procedure I had done yesterday, another never ending problem for me. I had to laugh because I thought the pain was going to be bad because of how the produce went but to my surprise minimal pain. The more I thought about it I wondered if because my pain tolerance is so high I didn't really notice the pain like most people would have. I think my RA has made me much stronger mentally and physically. When I watch shows where men are freaking about about needles my first thought is, what a wimp. I think my disease has kind of hardened my heart even though I hate to admit that. When I hear people complain about some simple issue like a cold I secretly roll my eyes I have to pull back and remind myself for them it is hard. I've always been a very compassionate person but over time my disease has robbed some of that from me. It's sad really. I wonder if that comes from being so tired of fighting everyday that I just don't have the energy to expend anymore on too many others. Whatever it is it still makes my heart sad that I'm getting too tired to give that part of myself out to people anymore. Like I always say I do the best I can with what I have and if people don't understand anymore I can't do anything about it. I know my circle. The ones who's truly understand and care and because of them I am more blessed than I ever have been. Press on my friends! You got this! We got this! Don't let anyone or anything hold you back. Hopefully we all have better days where we can honestly have the answer better when we are asked how we are doing.<br />
God Bless!<br />
DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-67105738195284787162017-06-23T05:26:00.000-07:002017-06-23T05:26:56.421-07:00Ever Changing WorldYesterday I made a quick run to the store for a few items. I'm making my dads Father's Day dinner this Sunday because we were so busy last weekend all we had time for was a quick visit. Authentic Hungarian cabbage rolls that I'm sure won't taste nearly as good as his mother's did but it's worth a try. Either way I'm sure he will love them. It's funny how when you get older you appreciate all the little things and you don't get so worked up about them like you use to. It's seems especially true since my dad was diagnosed with Lewy Body Demencia with Parkinson's symptoms. It's not easy watching him get worse as time goes on. If something as simple as some cabbage rolls will bring him joy then I'll do it. Time flies by and it's the one thing you can never get back so it's worth my time.<br />
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I rushed through the store and threw the few items i needed in my cart and rushed to the checkout. My energy was good so I decided to do the self checkout. Believe me there are many times I don't use self checkout because my energy is low and I just don't want to deal with it. I pulled my cart behind a older, like in his eighties, man. He was finishing paying so I figured it would be fast. I failed to see all the groceries he had at the end of the belt that needed to be bagged. I secretly thought to myself ugh he's moving S-L-O-W. I started to feel a little anxious and pulled myself back to the reality of, "What do you need to be in a rush for? Big deal so you have to stand in line three minutes longer." I stood there looking around watching people which I find fascinating in itself. The few extra minutes went fast and before I knew it was was punching in my mperks numbers and on my way. I was so focused on the screen I didn't see the older man approaching me. I grabbed my first item and turned to scan it and realized he was standing next to me. He smiled and said, "I just want to thank you for being patient while I packed my stuff. No one ever does that usually they are pushing my stuff out of the way so they can start their order." I told him, "You are fine, don't let people bother you." He thanked me again and left. Wow, Bam right upside the head. When I compared the thoughts I had when I first pulled up to the checkout to the thoughts I had when I left the checkout there was a stark difference. I thought about it most of the day yesterday. Realizing, as I do almost every time I am out in the world, the sadness of how we treat one another, young or old. The selfishness of everything we do. The ME first get out of my way attitudes that consume us. I realized I need to be more aware of my own selfishness in all the little things I do. </div>
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The next step was comparing my illness to that of the older man. I know there are the times I'm parking or shopping or driving that I take much longer than I should. It made me realize I too probably piss people off much more than I think I do. It takes me longer to think and concentrate these days so there are the times I might sit at a green light before I hit the gas and get the beep from the car behind me. The busy people who can actually live a normal life and not have to think about health can be the cruelest. I usually have a few choice words when I get beeped at because I really don't care anymore if people can't understand what I deal with. When the older man approached me I realized he is no different than me. He deserves the compassion I and all people deserve. If there is one thing I wish I could do to change the world it would be for all of us to treat one another like we treat our friends. Obviously we can't treat everyone like we treat our family because who else would you die for? So let's stick with the friends. Being more patient. Being more kind. Realizing we are not at all alike and accepting that about each other.</div>
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Think it will ever happen? I don't know but I'm going to keep working on it.</div>
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God Bless!</div>
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Dianne</div>
Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-19540405110600613962017-06-08T14:02:00.002-07:002017-06-08T14:02:47.044-07:00Same ol' Same ol'I don't run to my blog as much as I use to. I'd like to think it's because I am doing so well so there is no need to come here to write all my woes for the world to see. It's not. Mainly I think it is because I am so drop dead tired that the thought of processing enough words to explain what is going on is too overwhelming and exhausting in itself. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this fatigue is something I am going to have to deal with, forever. That sure isn't very easy to accept and move on with.<br />
My last appointment with my rheumatologist made that reality a little more real for me. My doctor told me that every patient has a fatigue baseline. Putting it in terms I can understand; this is it darling. You're at your baseline. Surly not the words I wanted to hear when he told me at my appointment before that the new medicine I am on may help with the fatigue. Of course I would be one of the lucky ones who gets no fatigue relief. Honestly, I can handle the pain but the fatigue is too much. I'm working on the acceptance of this. In the meantime it makes me very anxious and depressed. I try not to let this disease do that to me but I am human and there are the times I get knocked down just like the rest of the world when things don't go according to "My" plan. "My" plan, Ha. "My" plan is the joke in it all. "My" plan never works. If it did I would be cured by now. I try to do most things right on most days, no ones perfect. We all know that part is impossible. Although I do have a few friends who remind I am perfect, joking of course. Their laughter is what helps me keep it together.<br />
Then there are the times I think that my own thinking is what brings me down. Always trying to be the best at everything only to be let down when I can't be. One example would be exercise. I have started walking more because we all know exercise is the cure to everything. Ha on that too. The only problem is I can go out for a walk with the mentality I am going to go for that thirty minute walk and after ten minutes I am weak or I can't breathe. Those are the times the fatigue and beating myself up hit hard. Wanting in my head to do it but my body pulling me down and making me go back in to rest. The acceptance that I am not like I use to be. It's funny how after years of this you would think it would get easier to accept that I can't do what I use to do. It only seems tougher to handle the longer times goes on. I almost feel like I am getting numb from trying to understand it all. I think when you deal with chronic conditions your brain overthinks everything. The why's, the how's, the reason's, the everything. Trying to shut it off is impossible because your body is always reminding you it's there. There are days it speaks louder than others but it's always there. I wish I could have the magic answers but they never seem to come. I'm sure this is something all of us deal with in our daily living whether it is medical issues or other issues we are slammed down with. The only thing I can do for myself is to continue to keep doing better. When I am home I do all things I like to do mixed in with a little housework here and there. On good days it's helping someone who needs help load their groceries in their car. Or a big smile for the McDonald's worker who hands me my luscious coffee as I have drool rolling down the sides of my mouth. Smiles are contagious you know because you'll always get one back, try it. I chose to always make it something for someone else. It helps take the focus off me and lifts my spirits knowing I can help someone when I can't help myself. I'm pretty sure the real world doesn't think like this because everyone is so busy. Maybe that's the force that drives me when I'm out there. Thankful I don't have to live that life even if illness has taken it from me. I feel so much more hyper sensitive to the negativity that goes on in the world. Maybe that comes from the loneliness I feel in this illness. The part where no one will understand. All I know is I will not allow the bitterness and anger in the outside world to eat me up. Keep pushing on to do better for others even when I won't gain a thing from it. Pushing on with the Same ol' same ol' life and doing the best I can with what I have been given. I wish the same for you.<br />
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God Bless!<br />
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DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-10183542501202030192017-04-21T12:22:00.000-07:002017-04-21T12:22:12.192-07:00Is this UnderstandableMy reality hits me every time I change the sheets on my bed. It takes me so long to accomplish such a simple task that should be a wham bam job. In the past when I changed the sheets I would get worn out from my muscle weakness but now with the added shortness of breath the job seems even more monumental to me.<br />
I am constantly reminded how we all take the simple things in life for granted. I imagine a healthy person my age competing with me in a bed changing contest. It always makes me laugh. The funny part is when I'm in a situation like changing the bedding my brain turns to humor, at least at some point in the job. But not before I get angry and start ranting internally. It brings back all the snarky comments asking, "How can you be home all day?" "What do you do all day?" "Oh you don't work?" All time me with an angry face ready to punch someone. By the way that is the best conversation killer of all, just tell someone you don't work and the looks and strange silence where there was conversation is hilarious. I hate to admit it but it almost brings me some odd sort of joy now when someone asks where I work or what I do and I blurt the, "Nothing," answer. Like I said that's my odd sort of humor. I don't understand why we are so wrapped up in titles. I have a title, wife, mom, grandma, daughter, friend to a select few. Proud of it too. I don't think my life is any less lived than most but its my life so...plus I need to be home for all the people who text me or call for therapy. Yup my life might be not be what everyone else thinks it should be but I get to tell everyone what I think about theirs. Who wouldn't love that? Fools. Haha<br />
I laugh in the mornings too, at times. Those are the worst. I wake up many mornings and lay there. I mean literally lay there for a half hour, sometimes an hour, before I muster up the courage to get up. It's rough. No ones understands or see's that part of my life. Most people wonder why I don't work, I wonder why most of them wonder. Actually, I wonder how most of them can. I have no choice. It's painful to say the least. I dream of it but then am slammed with the reality that it takes me 3-4 hours to wash and change my bedding. Now add to that the rest of life, keeping up a home. If I worked all the extra money I made would go to a housekeeper, chef, finding someone to shop for me, etc. Being chronically ill sort of makes all those things your job. Oh, and along with that taking care of yourself thing which takes center stage when you are sick. Life is all about that. Sadly. Believe me you don't want it to be but you have no control over it as hard as you try it's always there.<br />
Yes, I'm on medications that help but they don't cure. Whenever the words come out of my mouth that I am feeling better it seems I eventually get slammed back down. It's like one big circle jerk of fun let me tell you. I try to rationalize it all in my head, making my life matter like everyone's does. I sat down to write this as soon as I got done putting the fitted sheet on the bed still huffing and puffing, still chuckling to myself a little while my reality also brought tears to my eyes. Fair? Nope. But it is what it is. We all have our stuff. I think dealing with our stuff and realizing we all matter no matter how insignificant we think our life may be is the most important gift we can give ourselves.<br />
There goes the dryer, time to get the blankets on the bed and either laugh or cry, who knows. Take it as it comes and enjoy the ride.<br />
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God Bless!<br />
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Dianne<br />
<br />Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-74064263028038180082016-12-03T16:19:00.006-08:002016-12-16T05:45:09.135-08:00Things Are Spinning Out Of ControlIt's been a while but I've been too busy surviving to write in my blog. The cold weather hit here and the last few weeks have been brutal. The extreme cold has affected my breathing making it hard to get around. I've felt like I can't get enough air in my lungs for a while now but when this bitter cold hit the issue only became worse. Besides the fact that the exhaustion caused by this has been unexplainable. I have been using my inhalers but I am also very stubborn when it comes to using them. It's some odd sort of game I play with myself. If I don't use my albuterol when I need it and I ignore the symptoms it's like my head thinks this will all go away. It's almost like I think I'm in control if I don't use the inhaler. I fight this all the time. I'm sure it is still the denial of the disease. How can ignoring something like not being able to breathe make it go away? When I think about it or write about it it sounds absolutely absurd. I'm no idiot I know it's there. It feels like I'm banging my head up against the wall over and over trying to deal with all of this. I saw my pulmonologist the other day and we decided to add another inhaler, which by the way doesn't sit well in my head. It's been three days since I started it and I feel like I am getting air deeper in my lungs already. My fatigue was much better the past few days but I guess getting air in yours lungs will do that? The doctor also suggested doing thirty minutes of exercise daily to strengthen my lungs which in turn will make it easier to breathe and help my lungs to work better. I'm committing myself to this in hopes that I won't need as many inhalers in the future. This new inhaler is a trial run anyways. I'm on it now to see if it helps then I will go off it to see if my symptoms return. Making the commitment to exercise daily isn't easy when your energy is at an all time low but I am truly serious about sticking to this. Instead of using my extreme fatigue as an excuse I'm going to push through it and do the exercise no matter what. If I continue to make excuses I continue to be stuck on the same path. I've been working on losing weight since July and have lost over twenty pounds. Yay for me! It isn't easy but it's possible. When I started twenty pounds seemed miles away but looking back it wasn't that bad. Once I started my cravings for junk subsided and it did get easier. I also realized even more how much of a emotional eater I am. Stressed? Eat some junk that will help. Of course it never did the stress was still there and my ass just grew a little more. I will continue on this path too. Less weight equals less pressure on the joints especially my knees, ankles, and feet. Three joint areas that have been painful and troublesome for a while now. I am having a stress test next week and after that I will start on the Humira for the joint pain hoping to lessen that. If I can get that under control along with being able to breathe better I'm hopeful my daily living will become easier and I'm sure more enjoyable. Feeling the way I have been doesn't leave me much energy to give out to others. I'm stuck in a place that is not me at all. I feel like I'm in a valley at the bottom of a very tall mountain looking up at the light on the top of the mountain. It looks like a long haul to the top but the rope with the hook are there for me to grab onto and start pulling myself back up. I started a exercise/weight journal so I can record my progress. I'm not going to beat myself up when I don't accomplish what I should. I'll do the best I can and pat myself on the back with any progress I make. Any positive changes or thoughts I have I will write down. You don't realize the changes in your daily life until you write them down and reflect back on the collection of notes you wrote. I will also keep track of any and all symptoms I experience so I can see if there are improvements or set backs over time. I will keep track of negative thoughts that might try to throw me off course and when the negatives thoughts come I'll replace them with the positives. This isn't a New Years resolution, I hate those, just a time for me to reflect on the progress or the set backs I encountere on my way to not only health improvements but self improvements. Push on my friends and let the games begin!<div><br><div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne<br><div><br></div><div><div><br></div><div><br></div></div></div></div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-87608295009717598972016-11-19T14:21:00.001-08:002016-11-19T14:23:35.779-08:00The Waiting GameI've said it before and I'm not going to lie. I'm tired. The past few weeks the realization became even more real as I had to work on getting a new prescription filled. It's bad enough when being tired, not a normal persons tired, Living your simple life wears you down but adding to it with the nonsense of getting a script filled is not warmly welcomed. I am starting on a biologic medication that is very expensive. When I say expensive I'm not taking a few hundred dollars but thousands of dollars a month. First I needed to have a lab test to make sure I didn't have TB or any TB laying dormant in my system. Passed that one with flying colors. It seems that was the easiest step in all of this stressful decision. Next, insurance approval. Oh boy here we go. Doc sent information for approval and I heard nothing. I'm not the kind to call my docs and be a pest. If there's one thing I've learned over the years it is when it comes to anything medical patience is key. The week came and went and in that time I heard from the Humira nurse who will be helping me with my injections and will help me with all the issues and answer any questions I might have through this beginning process. She suggested I call my doctor and see what is going on, so I did. They had sent in the info and said they would resend everything directly to my insurance carrier once again. I patiently waited another week and my Humira nurse said call the insurance carrier again. This time I had been approved but I had to go through a specialty pharmacy because of this specific drug. I was told to call them. The new specialty pharmacy took more information and said they had to call my insurance company to double check I was approved and then call my doctor for the actual script. Call back in a few days and we will let you know what is going on. Call back, still no answer from doc on script. This was Friday, two and a half weeks later I am still waiting. It's fine like I said I've learned to be patient. The worst part is the whole time thoughts running in and out of my head like, "Is this a sign I shouldn't be going on this drug?" "Do I really want to do this I mean really I can keep going on and off prednisone for the rest of my life when I flare." "The cost oh my gosh what is the insurance going to cover?" "Is the company really going to help pay for this like they said they are?" "We can't afford treatments like this." "I don't work to contribute so more money going out the door for medicine." On and on and on. I don't think the thoughts have stopped much since I decided to try this new drug. On the flip side I'm trying to keep the voice of my doctor telling me this will be it, the treatment that will make it better, with that I think it will be worth it. I'm pretty sure to most people all of this is not a big deal. It's hard to express how it is when it takes every ounce of energy you have to survive on a daily basis. I don't want to deal with this. Illness is a full time job in itself and dealing with simple little things like this wear on you physically and emotionally. I'm pretty sure this all contributes to the, "I don't care," attitude I've been dealing with lately. I constantly have the inner battle going on between giving up and fighting tooth and nail. When I look around me, in the end, I realize giving up is not an option. Fight I will. I might be tired but I'm not dead. I'm here for a reason even on the days I can't figure out why, which is most. When I think I can't do it anymore I realize I can. Life is different for me now. I've learned how to take it for what it is, at least right now. A bad day means I'm laying low and a good day means I'm doing way more than I should all the while knowing I'll pay for it later. I realize now it's all up to me. Even though have support this is my illness and no one else's. I'm the one whose understands it to the best of my ability. It's all in my decisions. I'll keep fighting While I'm waiting.<br />
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God Bless!<br />
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DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-34851246714369081762016-11-09T01:00:00.004-08:002016-11-09T02:17:56.004-08:00The Lie of StrengthI read this the other day and it resignated with my heart:<br>
"We tell people they are strong when we are uncomfortable with their pain and would prefer that they would shut up and not bother us with it. To say, "but you are strong" is telling someone, "I don't think you should feel that way," and it's not a compliment. I don't think that strength means being invulnerable, or pretending that you are. The belief that silence and stoicism are inherently good qualities is how you end up dressed like a bat punching criminals in an alley - it's not a good road to emotional health.<br>
I think your father has handed you a raw deal and that caused you and your family grief and pain and distress, and all of that stuff is real. You don't owe it to your friends to be the "strong" one. Just because you have always been the good listener and the shoulder to cry on, doesn't mean you have to maintain that role when you need a good listener or a shoulder to cry on.<br>
Be sad. Be angry. Let your heart break - in the diner, on someone's futon, in the park, on the way to the zoo, at brunch, over drinks, in the therapists office, on the bus - wherever it breaks, let it break all the way open, let it run out and down and spread out in a soggy puddle at your feet. Say, I'm sorry, I can't listen to you today, my heart is broken. Will you sit with me a while and I'll tell you about it?"<br>
Your friends may get scared when you do this. If you, the "strong" one can break, what does that say about them? That's why they push back at you and try to remind you and try to remind you of your strength, when what you need is for them to stand by you in your pain and weakness. They don't have to solve that pain, gthey just have to bear witness to it. Maybe they don't know how - a lot of people don't know what to do in the face of other people's pain. They want to fix everything, and if they can't fix it they feel inadequate. As the "strong" one you can help them out with this by saying, You don't have to fix it. You don't have to do anything. Just be with me, just listen, and love me, and I'll love you back. That's all I need - to know that you love me, even when sad and scared and don't know what to do next."<br>
To ask for help is strength.<br>
To admit you don't know is strength.<br>
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To tell the truth about what's happening is strength.<br>
To be imperfect and to trust that imperfect people will love you despite imperfections (albeit imperfectly) is strength.<br>
To let people you love see how you really feel - without trying to hide or stage manage their perception of you - is strength." - from The Lie of Strength.<br>
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Wow that sure is a mouthful. I have read this over and over and still struggle with it. I've always been the one there for everyone which in turn has made it extremely hard for me to let people in. I know I am open on my blog but I am complete opposite in real life. I wish I could change this and I am working on it but it isn't easy. It takes a lot of strength for me to write that. Where does strength come from? I wonder about that a lot. I don't have the answer most of the time but for some reason I do have the strength to go on and try to live a somewhat normal life given all the opsticlcles.<br>
There are those who find strength from God or strength in other people or...insert where you find strength here______. This question can be answered differently by everyone especially those who deal with chronic illness.<br>
I truly believe that my strength comes from a combination of all. God and people for sure but when I really think about it, it is up to me. After all these years I have come to realize it has to be me. I can and do rely on God and people but I am the one who knows how this feels. I'm the one who knows what it's like to get up and force myself to get moving on the days I really don't want to. I'm the one who knows how it is to keep my head directed in the right direction when I want to bury it in the sand. I'm the one in all the suffering who must choose to get up every morning and give the little extra bits of myself to others. Those are the little bits that bring me hope.<br>
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The next step in my journey is starting a biologic for my arthritis. Over the past week I have looked back more than I care to and wonder how I got here. I have failed on medications either because the side effects were horrendous or the fact that the treatment didn't help. I'm am nervous and anxious about starting this new and very expensive drug. The what ifs are playing over and over in my head like moments in my life I wish I could delete. On the other hand I am hopeful on starting a drug that according to my Rheumetologist will help get me over the edge and move me to much less pain. I am hoping the side effects don't affect to me. Strength. I need it all the time but especially now. Hanging onto hope as always, are you?<br>
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God Bless!<br>
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DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-48366180309219763672016-11-01T06:48:00.003-07:002016-11-01T13:58:36.384-07:00I Don't Care <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUp7lneTZxFnQsvPd8Mu1YRI4BEz6bm5yfhl-V3oAmVOOXRY_6EDzAjHocLGM2t5cemE7QVSwcaQRzTJPvfQoxW81XlEJ5Hz8GRUifySsWFHkZhzo5prk3JEZsFUJvCVrZ8nGb0hGrAbys/s640/blogger-image-111865275.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUp7lneTZxFnQsvPd8Mu1YRI4BEz6bm5yfhl-V3oAmVOOXRY_6EDzAjHocLGM2t5cemE7QVSwcaQRzTJPvfQoxW81XlEJ5Hz8GRUifySsWFHkZhzo5prk3JEZsFUJvCVrZ8nGb0hGrAbys/s640/blogger-image-111865275.jpg"></a><br>
I haven't been on my blog for quite some time now. I didn't realize how long its actually been until I decided I needed to write this morning and signed into my site. I have wanted to come here on many days over the past few months but the, 'I don't really care,' mode is in full swing for me right now. I feel like I don't care about much except the things that I absolutely have to care about and the few things I want to care about. Thinking about the reasons why I don't care has somewhat consumed my train of thought many times over the past month or so. I think I finally came to the conclusion that it is the fact that ever since I was given the asthma/copd diagnosis a year ago I am unable to accept it. I mean really, it took me like ten years to finally accept the sjogrens/arthritis and then it was like wham, if you think you accepted that well here's this bitch. I was angry at first, now it's just there hanging around waiting for me to learn to accept that diagnosis. I think I'm still mad but when I think about it it's the I don't care. I'm so tired. Exhausted to be completely truthful. I know we all are exhausted but this is a different exhausted. My exhaustion is some sort of odd survival that is hard to write about. Confused? Maybe. Ready to give up? Maybe, so unlike me. Alone? Most certainly. I'm still living life on the sidelines in which my realization is that this IS forever. It's mind boggling to say the least. How do you explain something that doesn't make any sense at all? Does anyone know? I know we all struggle in so many different ways and how we handle our struggles are personal. Do we let people in or is it easier to hold our personal struggles close to our own heart. It seems so much easier these days to hold it in because, at least to me, the real world is so busy. Who wants to hear about the sick struggling girl who doesn't have the energy to care anymore? No one I'm sure. When you are ill you look around for support groups and maybe have tried one or two only to learn that most the people who go to those are looking to latch on to someone who can listen to their problems and make them better. I always thought of a support group should be like a friendship, the give and take side. You talk and I'll listen but then when I want or need to talk you listen to me and don't turn it around on you again. We can never learn from ourselves if we aren't given the time to absorb what just came out of our mouths. Support groups are not the answer for me. I think it would be easier knowing I'm not alone in my world where I have never felt more alone in my entire life. I don't know the answer but I'll keep working on it and keep the hope close by my side. I will get an answer and pull myself out of this pit I'm sure.<br>
Today I have yet another doctors appointment. Yay, can't wait. OLD, it gets real old real fast. Today is rheumetologist day. I really like him so its not him, it's me. We have been trying a few new medications for the arthritis that is keeping me up at night in hopes of finding one that works. The last two caused severe shortness of breath which I continue to struggle with so today I'm not sure what is going to happen and guess what? I don't care. No surprise there. I am hoping this funk is from the steroids I just tapered off of and I feel better soon. Life will go on whether I, we or you care or not, that's a certainty.<br>
I look back on life and realize it changes constantly but I think it changes even more when you are chronically ill. A never ending roller coaster ride. The important thing is trying to stay grounded while you feel you are being tossed around and around. It's all an inside job that changes who you are to the core. You learn things about yourself you never would have learn if you hadn't become ill. Its all in the fight and holding on to the goodness that surrounds you even when you don't care.<br>
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God Bless!<br>
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DianneDianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-21122205065648749702016-09-12T10:10:00.001-07:002016-09-12T10:21:25.019-07:00What Do You Do All DayI don't usually let anyone's comments or opinions bother me but there is one I hear over and over in my head because a certain person use to love to say it to me. It had to do with me not working outside the home. As I have aged I realize it had nothing to do with me not working but all to do with the persons insecurities because they had to work. At the time if I thought about it too much it would get to me. I would get more angry about the fact that someone else had the nerve to make comments about how I chose to live my life. I did work early on in our marriage until Richie was in kindergarten then decided I needed to be there for my kids. Best decision I ever made I might add. I wouldn't change those years for all the money in the world. I always had a plan in the back of my head that someday I'd go back to work when Richie graduated. When the kids became self sufficient enough with all I tried to teach them through the years. The years flew by, even the days I worried if I was being a good parent or doing the right thing, there and gone. As a parent it is a constant battle in your head if you are doing good for your child future or making wrong decisions on so many levels. I look back and realize and know for sure I did something right. No job would have ever given me the satisfaction and proud feeling I carry with me everyday. My middle daughter has a tattoo that says, No Regrets. I agree! Isn't that what life is about anyways? Doing what is right for you and not allowing anyone to sabotage that.<div><br></div><div>Here I sit eight years after Richie graduated and as I look back at my so called plan I realize the dream of going back to work didn't become a reality. My health decided it was going to take center stage and decided for me work was a pipe dream. Don't get me wrong the dream still exist but not at this present time. Hope. The reason I thought about this, as I have a few times before, is because I spent the morning sweeping and mopping my floors. Upstairs which is only 1200 square feet minus furniture, not huge that's for sure. It took me 21/2 hours. Seriously? Yes. I'm pretty sure I use to clean my whole house, wash my car, chase after kids, do laundry run moms taxi service, push the homework, and make dinner all in the same day, and then some. Today I cleaned the floor and I'm done. Being ill takes all the energy you can find just to do the simple things in life. In my head I want to do more but the body has nothing left. How do you explain that? It isn't easy. While I continued mopping I thought to myself, "You are doing it and that is all that matters." Instead of putting myself down about what I can't do I get a huge feeling of accomplishment by mopping my floors. I know others think of it as no big deal and you know what? I don't care what people think. Whatever. Staying positive and doing what is right for me and my health helps me put my tiny life in perspective, even though I'm not living now as I thought I would be so many years ago. Plans change and we adjust. We learn to make due with what we are given. It's a gift no matter what your circumstances are. I watch so many take life and many times people for granted and I wonder about that sometimes. When you become ill you take nothing for granted. You are so finely tuned into every aspect of life it's almost impossible to do so. In that I will end and say, "I mopped my floors today WooHoo! What did you do? " Pat yourself on the back for the little things. You deserve it!</div><div><br></div><div>God Bless</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-28332997131627690342016-08-28T05:08:00.001-07:002016-08-28T05:23:53.830-07:00Say It Isn't SoLast night I had a dream, well actually it was more like a nightmare. It started out as this whole summer has, hot and humid and pure hell, but ended better, at least for a minute.<div><br></div><div>I woke up this morning and it was so hot that the windows had dew on them. I could barely see outside. I instantly knew the humidity was high. Although I already knew it was high because this has been the case all summer long this year. I honestly didn't need to get out of bed to know it was humid because my breathing was already labored. Humidity and breathing problems do not mix well together. This summer has been murder for me and I'm sure others who suffer from lung disease. I feel like I have been stuck in the house for months because every time I try to go outside I can't breath. It's exhausting to say the least. I have to keep the air conditioning on sixty eight just to feel comfortable and able to get the air in my lungs that I need. This along with my inhalers to relieve the symptoms. Everyday I try not to use my rescue inhaler I feel like I'm grasping for air and there's a vice squeezing inside my chest, it is the worst feeling in the world not being able to breathe.</div><div><br></div><div>Turning back to my dream. I went to bed with the humidity still circulating through the house but oddly I woke up in the morning to winter. When I got out of bed and looked outside the next day there was snow on the ground. I was never so happy in all my life. I didn't have to use my inhaler which made me even happier, finally the relief I have been waiting for. I enjoyed the day and remember running to Rich when he woke up and saying, "Hon, look outside finally some cold weather!" Of course he was happy for me too. We had a good day and for some reason it was a Sunday just like today. The day was good and flew by. Time for bed again. I remember sleeping well but waking up in the morning and having problems breathing again. I got up and guess what? Windows steamed up and hot and humid with no more snow. Rich watched the weather and told me winter only lasted one day this year. I was devastated to say the least. I cried and said rather loudly, "SAY IT ISNT SO," in between the sobs. I told him to shot me and take me out of this misery. I can't do it anymore. That's all I can remember because that was when I woke up. </div><div><br></div><div>The only meaning to this dream that I can think of is that I can't wait for cooler weather. While everyone else is out enjoying the summer I feel trapped. I watch my grandkids and can't go outside with them unless I'm in the shade and even then it is extremely hard. How do you explain illness to kids? I don't. I never let them, or anyone else for that matter, know how rough this is. Most everyone doesn't understand anyways or they just want to fix what can't be fixed. I do the best I can but its not easy. Then for the last three or more months I started losing my voice like a laringitis type thing. Talking has become very hard along with the shotrtness of breath and the coughing. I told my pulmonologist but he never gave me an answer so once again as usual I had to do my own research. I knew something wasn't right. A person knows even when the doctors don't want to listen. I came across information about the steroid inhalers causing thrush which is a yeast infection in your mouth. I looked at the back of my throat and sure enough I had it. I've had it before from prednisone but this time I knew the inhalers are causing it. I sent the doc another message and now I am being treated for that. It never ends. I wonder now is this something I'm going to have to deal with forever? I need my inhalers because breathing is sort of important so stopping those is not an option. Say it isn't so. I don't need another thing to deal with right now or anymore for that matter. I'm going to try to keep an open mind and believe this is a one time thing. </div><div><br></div><div>I wish this whole nightmare would end. I wish it was just a dream and I would wake up and life could be normal. My normal will never be a normal, normal. Yes, I know we all have issues and I know we all suffer but my cup is full. I'm tired. I'm tired of always having to have such a heightened sense of awareness as to all that goes on in my body. This year has been rough to say the least. The worst part is when, one more thing happens, it tends to bring me down. Just when I think I'm doing good and can handle this hell another thing hits. "Say it isn't so," is usually my first reaction but then I must bring my head around and believe this too shall pass. I must live in this moment and not worry about what comes next. I'm trying. What more can I do? Life goes on whether it is a normal life or whatever this is. </div><div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-32825122151426227042016-08-02T05:00:00.001-07:002016-08-02T07:48:28.539-07:00I Knew It Was Coming<div><br></div><div><br></div>You know how it is when you know something is coming even if it isn't going to happen for a matter of time? We all have those times in our lives. Getting engaged. Excitement and nerves all preparing for the big day. There's so much to do but you continue on with life in the days leading up to the actual day. Another perfect example is having a baby. All the excitement aside, somewhere in the back of your mind is the thought of the actual birth. The pain, and if it's your first baby, the dreaded pain and horror stories you hear from people who feel the need to tell you about their awful birth experience. You hear the story or stories and you become horrified at the fact that you are going to have to go through...that? Even though you are freaked out you push the thought of the birth to the back of your mind and continue to deal with the day to day living and preparations of having a baby. These examples could go on and on.<div><br></div><div>There are so many times a person with chronic illness faces these same issues. I have had one thought in my head like this ever since I became sick so long ago. A cure. You know, the thought that's always there that one day I wake up and it's all gone. No more illness and in an instant my life flips back to some sort of health normalcy. Honestly I can say I never felt well even as a child but at least I was better than this. I always felt tired and like I could never keep up with the other kids. Always the last one picked and absolutely hated anything physical in school, now years later it all makes sense. It's no different now and worse the biggest change is I didn't have the pain way back then like I do now. The thought in the back of my head, "If I could only go back to that." I'd be happy with those days and even just a little pain to be truthful. Life doesn't work like that though. We can't pick and choose the future and it's a fact we can never go back, so we push on. </div><div>It has been quite a few months now that my inflammation has been giving me more problems. Feet, knee, back to name a few, the list can go on. This isn't the normal everyday pain I deal with it is the joints and the arthritis getting worse for some reason. My Rheumetologist and I have been discussing adding another DMARD, disease modifying antirheumtic drug, used for autoimmune arthritis, for quite a few months now. These are powerful drugs that calm down the immune system to keep it from attacking the joints. I am currently taking one but yesterday I saw him and with all the swollen joints we decided now is the time to add the new one we've been trying to put off. The wait and see approach isn't working as well as we hoped it would. The funny part is when I saw him about 3-4 months ago I was doing quite well without signs of inflammation. We were both encouraged until a month later when my knee wacked out on me. Then it seemed from there it was the balloon effect. One swollen joint lead to another and so forth. I had a couple of good weeks for me and then wham the past ten days things turned for the worst. Honestly I was glad, not glad because things got worse, glad because they were at their worse when I had an appointment. That is the crazy part of having an inflammatory disease. You can go see your Rheumetologist and be doing well and the next day or a week later something happens inside your body to set you off. I was glad this flare was in full swing when I saw him yesterday. As I have said many times before, you rack your brain trying to figure out what caused it. "What did I do different to bring on this change?" I can never find a clear cut answer to that question, ever. It just happens. I guess when your immune system hates you it takes charge whenever it wants to. I picture it sneering and chuckling and asking, "I wonder if she can handle this?" Well, guess what? "Yup I can so bring it on bitch!" My fight on the inside has become stronger than I ever thought possible even when I have to make decisions to add medications to help me live a somewhat normal life. Honestly I just don't care anymore. I care but in a different way. I use to make myself crazy arguing with this disease and taking the drugs but now it seems I am beginning to come to some sort of peace with it. Learning to take what it throws at me in stride. I truly believe it helps me 100% having a Rheumetologist that is on my side too. I just love him and it brings such a peace to me to have him. We also added a prescription NASAID. I took it years ago but we decided it was time to go back on that too so I am happy for that as I remember the relief I had from it. Worth the risks I guess. I just can't think about that side of it. For me I would rather live a life of less pain and less misery and take my chances. We all have to make that choice on our own.</div><div><br></div><div>I was thinking about all of this and the pull I feel about taking another drug, actually two, and it is odd this time how I feel ok about it. I use to get so upset about the drugs and in turn would almost get depressed about them but I have come to realize they are there to help me. Racking my brain I finally have that peace too that for me I would rather live with less pain and misery and take my chances with the drugs. We all have to make that choice for ourselves. I also know that having my son as my own personal pharmacist helps immensely. He has been such a help for me through all of us.</div><div><br></div><div>I was pondering on the new addition of drugs and, as usual, I had to put my twisted humor in there. Humor heals all you know, at least for me. I have some odd internal dialog with my disease today and on most days but today it was short and sweet and went like this:</div><div>Dear Inflammation, If you could only hit one joint at a time that'd be great. Sincerely, Dianne</div><div>Dear Dianne, I don't work that way so buck it up. Irritatingly yours, Inflammation</div><div>Yup that about sums it up in a nutshell. I have the hope these two new drugs help with the pain and since I have had the time to proces this change because I knew it was coming it makes it that much easier. Push on my friends!</div><div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-67058263036480407412016-07-12T05:41:00.001-07:002016-07-29T12:47:10.994-07:00Two Way Street<div>Think about these three simple words for a minute, two way street. What comes to mind? I'm sure if we were sitting as a group in a quiet room and we were asked to ponder on these simple words we would all come up with our own definition as to what they might mean to us.</div><div><br></div>Life in general is a two way street. We are born and throughout life we are faced with so many choices, most of them good, some not so good. I'm sure we could all list many good and bad streets we have traveled down over the years. We love to remember the good ones but somewhere along the way we tend to forget about the bad ones. Human nature has a funny way of doing that to us without us even realizing it. It's easy to block out the crappy streets we landed on compared to the joyful ones. I'm sure we have all said once or many times, "If I could go back I never would have done that." I know I have. I always wonder though, would I really? Lessons learned and roads traveled teach us a lot and give us wisdom, so maybe not.<div><br></div><div>Relationships are a two way street. Relationships along the way that I thought were beneficial to my life when actually they weren't at all. The problem was I never realized it way back when. I believe if we never had certain relationships we would not be who we are today so it all happened for a reason, right? Then there are the relationships that slipped through our hands when maybe we wanted a relationship and the other person didn't or vice versa. Once again you realize the older you get that if those worked out our lives wouldn't have aligned as it did. We all wonder how different life would have been if... The other day I was talking with someone who brought up a what if like that and I immediately thought to myself, if that persons what if happened it would never have brought me where I am today. I was glad that what if didn't happen to them. Life is a two way street that continues from our birth to our death. All <span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">relationships in life are a two way street. This is the way they work. One person gives to help the other person and then the tables turn and that person is being helped. Whether it is in physical ways, just being there, or listening. It's when the 50/50 switch gets flipped and one person feels like they are giving more or maybe it's that people change and relationships dissolve, and relationships end. Many times a person wakes up to realize a relationship they thought was good for them was actually toxic and it's time to break away. The two way street in relationships comes in so many forms. Finding your balance when it comes to relationships is personal and you have to do what is right for you many times that means letting go and that's ok.</span></div><div><div><br></div><div>You know this one is coming. Ready? </div><div>Illness is a two way street. This is huge for me because I picture myself walking down a gravel road in the country surrounded by a lot of huge lush trees. Up ahead in the distance as I move forward I see the fork in the road. In the moments before the fork is in view I'm lost. Illness has a way of doing that to you. What am I going to do with this illness thing? The thoughts and unknown of illness can be overwhelming at times. Just as I feel like I'm about to fall over the edge the fork in the road appears. If I go left there's a big black opening as I peer down the road. It's the dark side. The side I fight with when I am in pain, who am I kidding the side I deal with pretty much everyday because of the unknown. The unknown is hard for a control freak. It's the side I fight with when I'm so fatigued I can hardly do anything days. It's the road I hate to see. I turn away and look ahead and peer to the right. Ah there you are! This road looks brighter. There are days the road on the right is a little cloudy but the sun is always out even if it is in the distance. I see it. There are the days the sun shines bright and I wonder to myself, "Am I really sick or is this some kind of odd dream?" The right side keeps my head on straight. I like that side. I realize the choice is mine everyday on which way I want to go right. I chose the right on most days but I'm human too. There are the days I pick the left and have my pity party. Why? Because this is so unfair! It is. Blah, blah, blah. Then I realize I can't change it. Look to the light.</div><div>The funny part that always amazes me is when I am feeling good, good for me, on the right side of the road, I have a hard time remembering the left and it's darkness. A few weeks ago I was in the depths of the dark side. I had days where I didn't even do my hair or makeup and could have cared less. It took everything I had just to breathe. Sounds crazy I know. Crazy but true. Then last week I began feeling better for some reason. I have no idea why. I must clarify my better. It's my better, not yours, not the kind of better you may be thinking. Better enough to clean my house. Better enough that I could breathe. Better enough that my fatigue went from a level 10 to a 5 or 6. The sun is out on the road I'm on, at least for the time being. The scary part is when I'm on this road I always have that dark dread in the back of my head. The, "When is it going to flip back" kind of dark. The pain is always there but it's funny how you can deal with pain when your fatigue isn't as bad. The energy helps you deal with it in some odd sort of way. Pushing on and doing more feels good. I always need to remind myself to pace my steps when I feel better because when I over do it that is when I am sent back into a tailspin. Ahh, the roads we take when we are chronically ill, some well traveled, some less traveled. </div><div><br></div><div>The two way street or so called fork in the road that we see so often can pose difficult dicisions for us. Staying strong when you feel weak pushes you to make the right choice when you are staring down that gravel road and see the fork. I hope you are able to choose the right side today and if not there's always tomorrow!</div></div><div><br></div><div>God Bless! </div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-52441390666379906152016-07-05T12:59:00.001-07:002016-07-05T18:04:07.538-07:00Don't Believe Everything You ReadSkimming through the social media sites I see everyday there are times I tend to become somewhat frustrated with articles or advice I read. I am a firm believer in educating myself on my illness and learning as much I can about living with my diagnosis. If you don't take that control no one else will. I hope this is true for yourself too.<div><br></div><div>Today I read something that said, pain only makes you stronger. Really? I'm pretty sure if you asked someone who lived with chronic pain they might say something like this, "Pain makes me tired, pain wears me out, pain makes me angry at times, and on certain days pain controls my life." Makes me stronger? Maybe. I have read, pain isn't for wimps, now that one I tend to believe. Pain causes you to prioritize your life. It forces you to focus more on what is good for your health. It forces you to make choices that work for you. Why can't all these expert advice givers write about the real aspects of living with pain instead of giving their advice about it? I get confused. </div><div><br></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">There are the times I read something that is so ridiculous I will bust out in a ha ha ha good one. A perfect example is the sleep cures I have read so many times. When you are in pain sleep is disturbed no matter how many tips you read and apply to your "trying" to get a good nights sleep. Don't watch tv. Don't eat before bed. Only go to bed when you are tired? Really? So I should go to bed 24/7 because I'm always tired, which brings me to the fatigue. Exercise more, do this, don't do that and your fatigue will get better. Ok if you say so but when I'm so weak I can hardly get out of bed how am I suppose to exercise more? I do the best I can with what I have. I get so frustrated with some of this advice I want to scream. It's not like the chronically ill aren't already doing the best we can and we sure don't need to feel put down anymore by people who have no idea what it is like. That's another thing that bothers the heck out of me, the people who write to tell us chronics what we should or shouldn't do are the same people who are healthy and have no health issues holding them back. It's kind of like people who have no kids telling people who do what they are doing wrong raising theirs. Ya that, it makes no sense. Or it might be me trying to tell someone how to do their job when I don't work and have no idea what it is like to have a job. There are so many times I read someone's opinion on my illness that cause me to come unglued. I could go on and on.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">I am learning to keep my feelings in check when I read something and snicker under my breath but it sure isn't easy at times. I know for me stress is something I need to control. Having a big heart I tend to get angered quite easily when I feel people are being put down or made to feel what they are doing isn't enough. We are all the captain of our own ship. We are under no obligation to let anyone's opinion rule our lives or the way we live. I'm personally trying to steer clear of advice or articles that do not lift me up and give me hope. Life is hard enough we must take control and push on the best we can.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">God Bless! </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"><br></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;">Dianne</span></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-51719217759313198112016-06-29T11:53:00.001-07:002016-06-29T12:39:02.769-07:00It's A Beautiful DayI feel like I'm living in a dream today. How can it be? I feel really good and believe me that hasn't happened in a long time. Honestly, I have been feeling so awful that I can't even remember the last time I had a day like this. If you asked me what feels different I couldn't answer with one definite answer except for the fact that I don't have pain and I don't feel sick. If I could put my order in I'd like to order up today until the day of my death please. Is that too much to ask for? I think not, but my out of control immune system I'm sure is laughing at me right now. I can envision my evil body devil planning it's next line of attack. I remember when I use to have more good days than bad but now it seems I have more bad days than good. The evil is always lurking in the shadows. When I told my son I am having a good day he wanted to know what I did different. The only answer I had was that I had less pain while sleeping last night which I know helped me to get a deeper sleep. When pain controls your life everything is hard especially sleep and we all know how we feel when we don't sleep well. When I woke up it felt like someone flipped the switch on my immune system and I'll happily take it. It's all so strange to me how it works. <div><br></div><div>I often wonder back to life when I use to be normal and by normal I mean when I had enough energy and not a ton of pain. The days when I was able to do anything I wanted without a thought. When I didn't have to plan rest time or wonder if I was over doing it. The days of not worrying about the price I would pay for anything I did. It seems like some sort of odd past life. Almost like I have been reincarnated into this new and unpredictable life I now lead. It's all so confusing to me. I try to make sense of this new life as I dream of the old. I know I have nothing to complain about because I have been blessed beyond measure in so many other ways but I'm only human as so many of you are who live with this autoimmune monster. I almost feel guilty when I blab on about the illness part. I try to put it all into perspective and realize the illness, even though it is a huge part of my daily living, is such a minute part of my actual life. The love outweighs the pain and suffering. The good people I share my life with, not only family but friends, keep me pointed in the right direction. The love pulls me out of the depths of the hell. The best part is I am able to still spread my love to those around me too. The full circle I call my hope. </div><div><br></div><div>This weekend is the forth of July weekend and I am hopeful today is only a taste of the goodness to come this weekend. I hope this feeling better dream continues into the weekend. Who knows? The switch could flip back in an hour that's how unpredictable it is. Rich and I have been talking about a few things we want to do this weekend but the end of the discussion always ends with, "It depends on how I/you are doing," said by either one of us. It's always the elephant in the room. We both try to forget but we both know it's there and we both know how it controls our lives. The best part is it's all ok. Rich is a saint the way he puts up with me and I just go with the flow taking advantage of the good when it happens and slowing down when it's bad. Today is a beautiful day and for that I am thankful!</div><div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-82163875103384197492016-06-14T14:17:00.001-07:002016-06-20T05:52:36.220-07:00The Best Medicine<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiha24LencumNOBLegdHfHoWREoFtEfJxTuTJ4PEFLkkl9O_L09gKDsVa7zuHXc_gtCFoF5HSLkot7dV8t2hxsX1DhSiacy__ps2H5pX0d-N3EmCF5ZRttIIvzpgezc6rIcYgcRu0m203me/s640/blogger-image-1441844165.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiha24LencumNOBLegdHfHoWREoFtEfJxTuTJ4PEFLkkl9O_L09gKDsVa7zuHXc_gtCFoF5HSLkot7dV8t2hxsX1DhSiacy__ps2H5pX0d-N3EmCF5ZRttIIvzpgezc6rIcYgcRu0m203me/s640/blogger-image-1441844165.jpg"></a></div><br></div>The last week hasn't been easy. I can't seem to get it together after getting off the last dose of prednisone then a medicine change didn't help matters at all. I am so weak I can hardly do anything physical. It feels like I'm walking through thick mud every time I move. I've been trying to do some things around the house the best I can but it is so very hard when I feel like this. This is definitely not one of those times I need to hear, or tell myself for that matter, if you get moving you will feel better. It's hard to explain to anyone how that irritates someone with chronic illness. Honestly, three days last week I didn't even do my hair or make up because I was so weak, tired, and exhausted. If you know me that is not me at all. Prof of how bad last week was.<div><br></div><div>I have to believe the best medicine I can think of for my situation is my family. I might feel like pure hell many times when I see them but they always know how to make me laugh and most importantly of all, understand. It isn't the same when you are with people who aren't your family because they just don't get it. My family knows the struggle is real and they know how to handle it the best. They don't baby me or treat me like a sicko, they just understand. After all that is what most people who live with chronic illness seek, a little understanding. We don't ask for much. I got off the phone with my daughter one day last week and it always helps. Hearing how the grandkids are doing always makes me smile. When I visited my son and daughter in law a few weeks ago I did really well. I had a little incident with my breathing while we were walking, other than that things went well. It was a pretty good week that week. Funny how everything can change in an instant. We were walking while I was there and I became very short of breath and the sweetest part was my son asking me if we needed to stop so I could do my inhaler. It's the little things that matter when you are constantly dealing with illness. It's like my family can read me when something isn't right, like they just know. Saturday when I saw my daughter she said she could tell by looking at my eyes I wasn't feeling well. Like they say the eyes are the window to the soul. I guess they are the window to chronic illness too. I am so thankful for my family. They see you at your best but they also see you at your worst. Most importantly they don't hold it against you when you are not doing well. It's funny how that works with the people you love. It's a fact that the rest of the world only sees me at my best and has no clue. </div><div><br></div><div>Like I said I haven't had the best of weeks this past week, almost brutal in part, because my insurance company decided they didn't want to cover one of my inhalers so I had to switch to another one. I switched and after a few days my breathing took a turn for the worst. Being the perfect patient I didn't call my doctor right away because with most medications some need time to work. I hoped the symptoms would get better with each day but I felt like they are getting worse. Breathing is hard work when your lungs aren't taking in enough air. Totally exhausting. Every time I move I'm huffing and puffing trying to get air in my lungs. I slept more last week than I have in the past month. Tired doesn't even begin to explain it. Friday I finally gave in and called my pulmonologist. I'm wait for his call back and hoping he switches me back to the inhaler I was on just nine short days ago. It is amazing to me how quickly your health can plummet. The worst part is the thought that he might put me back on prednisone again. I love the quick relief I get from pred but not the side effects I get from it. The wonder drug that turns you into a bitch from hell. I always tell Rich, "I'm on prednisone so don't piss me off." But by now he pretty much gets it so I don't really have to warn him. I feel sorry for the rest of the world though. Saturday I gave into the fact that I must do my albuterol inhaler every fours hours and do it faithfully until I hear back from the doc. The mind games I play with my health are so ridiculous. I try to not do my inhaler like I have to prove something to myself like I'm stronger than the illness. If I tell myself I don't need the inhaler my body will listen and do what my mind says. Really? You think by now I would learn. I wonder if I ever will? I guess it's all a part of accepting this is going to be my life forever now and I really don't want to believe it or accept it.</div><div><br></div><div>Being chronically ill is so unpredictable. The ups and downs can eat you alive if you allow them. That's how life goes when you are chronically ill. You just never know. In the meantime I lean on my family for the support that gets me through. The hope that they give me when I have a hard time finding my own. They remind me the hope is always there even when I can't see it. </div><div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-63420957340022062712016-06-02T16:19:00.001-07:002016-06-02T16:47:20.150-07:00Poked Drained Shot Up Moving OnToday was the day. I saw my Rheme about the cyst on my knee and had it drained and shot up with the magic drug. The best part is I shaved yesterday but missed a patch on my knee. Looks real special. I guess I will have to start wearing my glasses when I shave before a doctors appointments. Oh well whatever. If I were younger I would be embarrassed now I really don't care, it is what it is and gave me a good laugh when I tore the bandaid off. So the question is, "Did it hurt?" The answer, "Not at all." I know you would think having a needle jabbed into your knee joint would have to be painful but for me it wasn't. It basically feels like a tight pressure feeling if that's the way to explain it. I have had several injections and this one by far has been the least painful of all. My rheumatologist is awesome, have I mentioned how much I like him? He is amazing and I am so thankful for him! The best part of the injection was the fact that because he went in at the front of the knee he thought he wouldn't get any fluid out because the cyst was in the back of the knee but to our delight fluid came out. I'm sure that doesn't sound like much to most but for me it will help a lot with the pain and the stiffness I have been experiencing. The real test will be tonight since the pain has been excruciating and keeping me awake all night. I know from experience injections can take some time to work. Patience my dear patience. Lord knows I have plenty of that to go around living with this everyday. I am so thankful tonight for the care I receive from the doctors I have now. Doctors who actually listen to me. Doctors who take the time to find out what is going on when I have so many issues that never end. Just when I think I'm over one thing it's like my body decides it doesn't want me to be on a even keel and it decides to attack something else. I'm trying to keep an open mind and keep my head in the day to day basis zone but....it aint easy. This knee thing has been an issue for a long time so I can deal with that, along with the fact that it probably isn't going to magically go away. I can handle that. What I can't handle is the unknown. The what's next? I try not to go there but it is a battle just as much as the day to day physical battles that never end. I keep the what's next in the back file of my mind but it's always there. If I allow it to come out of the files it can and will eat me alive. The what next somehow controls everything. Each time I make any sort of plans the what if jumps out of the file. I finally have come to terms with it knowing if I make plans and I am sick or having issues I can cancel. I really hate to do it but if need be its happening. I also know that the people in my life always understand. I'll go on and fight the what's if's in this life and press on. Things are looking up after today. I know and believe relief is on its way. I hope this shot gives me some life back. I'm tired to the core from the pain. It's exhausting. I've gained weight. I feel terrible about how fast that happened. The steroids over the past three months haven't helped. No I'm not using that as an excuse it is just the reality of steroids. I'm hoping if the pain gets better and I sleep better I will have the energy to focus on healthy cooking and eating. Energy that is highly limited from extreme fatigue. I know I can do it. There are so many struggles that go hand in hand with chronic illness there are too many to write about. If you let it it will eat you alive. You can't let it. You have to stay in the driver seat and be the boss even when you want to give up. It's doable so keep up the fight my friend!<div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-12828792314088023472016-05-26T09:43:00.001-07:002016-05-26T10:24:18.364-07:00Here we go againI have been pondering over this blog for a week or more and have been waiting for the moment to hit me when I felt confident enough to write it. Every single time I write I feel like I run the risk of sounding like a whiner and a whiner I am not. I am sure some people who don't know me could take my blogs the wrong way so there is that struggle with having a blog and sharing your illness journey. I saw this last week and thought how perfect it is for a blog:<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt1k4EXgwxK15xYFf5TyoI64L5k0fYwrCGRuxdvT5EgT-Eh8SEbz57lbW37JmbSjEBHDvgaG3s-xFRIFkgHl_aaDYcwJohJH0YOYy5bB-pi_FgPMjVvavd2GnVqOvLeWwVVp4ZTDLGNwRU/s640/blogger-image-1133784425.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjt1k4EXgwxK15xYFf5TyoI64L5k0fYwrCGRuxdvT5EgT-Eh8SEbz57lbW37JmbSjEBHDvgaG3s-xFRIFkgHl_aaDYcwJohJH0YOYy5bB-pi_FgPMjVvavd2GnVqOvLeWwVVp4ZTDLGNwRU/s640/blogger-image-1133784425.jpg"></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">How true and how sad both at the same time. When I first read it I was reminded of the first time I saw my new rheumatologist. He was checking my joints and would ask, "Does this hurt?" My answer was well yes but it's because of this or because of that. It seemed every time he asked if something hurt or asked if something gave me issues I had a counter offer so to speak as to why it hurt. My knee hurts but that's because I have bad feet. Me elbow hurts because of the tennis elbow I had been experiencing at that time. Funny how that elbow pain disappeared when he started me on a new treatment, Humm. I remember after every excuse I gave him he would say, "So that's a yes?" I remember staring at him with the deer in the headlight look only later to realize how much I minimize my pain. "So that's a yes?" "So that's a yes?" It's painful to say, "Yes that hurts," to every issue I deal with. I remember after a few times of him saying, "So that's a yes?" I gave in and just said,"Yes," without making anymore excuses. Finally a doctor who understood. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">The more I thought about it after I left that first appointment appointment I realized maybe I minimize my pain to make other people feel better. Or maybe I do it to feel normal in a life gone wrong. Or maybe if I deny the pain it really isn't happening. Or is it because of all the doctors in the past who told me I was to fat or lazy and needed to get moving more, little did they understand moving more caused more pain and put me in a vicious cycle of hell, besides I was moving already and I was still suffering. I don't know. The mental anguish is so much harder to handle than any pain that is thrown my way. I think. It's easy to say that now as I am on steroids once again, fourth time in three months to be exact. I'm sure my bones are not happy but the rest of me is feeling better at least for a minute. The strange part about steroids is you do fine on them and as soon as you wean off the trouble starts all over again. As my Rheumotologist said last week, "Getting off steroids is like letting the horse out of the barn when it comes to autoimmune disease." Makes perfect sense because that is how it feels. Last week I called him because my knee was so painful for over a week and I knew the arthritis was acting up. I was hoping for a steroid shot to get me through the pain and allow the knee to heal but when I saw him he said he needed to have an ultrasound. He was pretty sure I have a bakers cyst but wanted to make sure before he treated it. I started the steroids last Friday and within twenty four hours the pain was better. It's funny how steroids can mask a problem that is actually still there. I went for the ultrasound yesterday and of course he was right, bakers cyst caused by the arthritis. It's funny because a bakers cyst has nothing to do with baking it is just the man who discovered what a bakers cyst was. Crazy name. Although if you're going to have cyst why not one that reminds you of donuts and cake? What actually happens with a bakers cyst is the knee becomes inflamed and it produces extra synovial fluid. The fluid builds up in the knee and because of the knee cap the fluid has no where to go but behind your knee where it causes a cyst. All I know is it caused a lot of pain and sheer exhaustion. The pain was so bad at night I tossed and turned all night in pain. Night is always a bad time of day for anyone with arthrits but this was beyond any pain I have experienced besides my cervical pain before I had those joints fused. Before the steroids last week I could hardly think straight because the pain was so exhausting, hard to explain unless you have experienced that kind of pain. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Doctor said if it does turn out to be a cyst then next week when I go back he will drain it and shoot me up with steroids in the knee and we will have to keep an eye on the cyst because they do tend to come back. I am hopeful the treatment will work but with my track record... In the meantime I am thankful for the oral steroid treatment. Here we go again with the vicious cycle. Wondering if it will ever end and knowing what that it probably won't. Coming to terms with that reality isn't easy but I have to make it doable. I will continue to keep my head focused on brighter days and try to leave the darker ones behind. I will continue to fight in my illness journey because I know no one else can do it for me. I'll use my story to encourage others and that is what gives me hope! All at the risk of being a whiner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">God Bless!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><br></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;">Dianne</div><br></div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-279904456373798375.post-32953642090554876702016-05-11T05:34:00.001-07:002016-05-11T06:15:02.334-07:00He Can't<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT6ocDjVsmOHTXHW7_1yIUCEF-9oRUnIKRXap-NmUwBukGzBFsLUc1S5CCN3hbvcjMpwI8zeoJE3S64HDiJkAfyGldSYSeeENry08aqjRtU14lEFQS45lPzDbxLFUJ0pqmmRFSkJgqLJ3L/s640/blogger-image-258368712.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiT6ocDjVsmOHTXHW7_1yIUCEF-9oRUnIKRXap-NmUwBukGzBFsLUc1S5CCN3hbvcjMpwI8zeoJE3S64HDiJkAfyGldSYSeeENry08aqjRtU14lEFQS45lPzDbxLFUJ0pqmmRFSkJgqLJ3L/s640/blogger-image-258368712.jpg"></a></div><br></div>I'm sitting here trying to keep an open mind and forcing my mindset to the world of positives even though it is extremely hard. When I get to that place of throwing my hands up in the air and giving up I have to fight to keep my head above water. The thoughts that I have that I have to live like this for the rest of my life become overwhelming and I wonder if I can.<div><br></div><div>I am having a rough week on so many levels. I was put back on steroids for the third time a few weeks ago and when I took the last magic pill it's like my immune system went even more haywire, this happened the last time too. I asked my Rheumatologist why I have such problems when I taper off the steroids and he said it is because I am probably tapering too fast. I'm a slow learner but after this week I realize I must tell the doctors who treat me with steroids for other reasons besides the joint pain that I have to taper more slowly. Aside from joint pain that is on the rise I still am dealing with a sinus infection that started last February. I'm pretty sure this is the worst one I have ever had. I went yesterday and was put on the third antibiotic in three months. Good news is no steroids because my breathing is good and I am extremely thankful for that because I have been dealing with that since February too. I sure hope this treatment works because this is no fun and I don't want to even think about what will come next. I know since I already had sinus surgery in the past there is a good possibility of it in the future. Truthfully I'd rather be chased by a bear protecting her cubs than go through that again. It's that bad. My brain is on overload with all that is going on with my body from head to toe, literally, but I'm not going to let the body win. I don't feel like doing anything so to keep me going I bought a 1000 piece puzzle. I'm loving puzzles and I'm not to proud to admit I'm good at them. It's good to have something to do because it keeps your mind off your aches and pains when you have them constantly. Being sick like this for three months can take a toll on you so you have to have your bag of tricks ready at all times. It's very hard this time of year too because Rich is so busy at work and we don't get much time together.</div><div>I'm so thankful I also have my dogs and now my cat to keep me going. Out of all my medical treatments I believe without a doubt the number one best therapy for me is Eva, Ella, and Portia. Having either one, two, or all three of them at my feet or on my lap all day long gives me hope. Yes there are times they are too needy and when I don't feel well it might get overwhelming but then I think about how fortunate I am to have them to push me, to keep me from falling into the dark abyss that would be so easy to fall into. The other day when Rich and I were talking we were talking about the dogs and the cat and I was laughing and jokingly said I promise no more animals and he said, "If you want more you can get one." He said it very seriously and I knew he meant it. At the time I laughed and blew it off saying, "No way, three is enough I only have two hands to pet them." End of convo. It didn't hit me until the next day when I was driving in the car that the realization of him saying, "If you want more you can get one," really meant. When I thought back on how he said it and the look on his face it was like everything else with him. He would go to the end of the earth to get me anything I want. If I see something in the paper or on tv and make a comment such as, "That's cool," or "I like that," his answer is always, "Get it for yourself." Nine times out of ten I don't say it because I want it but because I like it. The reality driving that day hit me hard as it has before. He would lasso the moon out of the sky for me because the one thing he really wants to do for me, he can't, he can't make me better. He watches the suffering and being a male and a fixer he wants to fix my illness but, he can't. That realization is so painful for me because when I turn the tables in my head and if it was him I would want the same thing. I have always said illness is so much harder on the ones that have to watch the suffering than the the ones suffering, at least in most cases. Love is funny like that. Most of us are good people who hate to see suffering. How many parents have sick children and say, "I wish I it was me instead?" It's no different in most loving relationships. We all know suffering is life. We all suffer many times in our lives, many times short term, but many times in the long term. Realizing the suffering is there and is ours to learn from can be a long painful process but it is part of our journey. It's can be a positive learning experience or a negative one. You choose. It's all in how we decide to handle it d no one else. What's your choice? I know mine!</div><div><br></div><div>I gotta go there's a puzzle waiting for me.<div><br></div><div>God Bless!</div><div><br></div><div>Dianne</div></div>Dianne Bramerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18146041290174576456noreply@blogger.com0