We have heard all the crazy sayings before from the old days as my children would probably put it. The straw that broke the camels back. The frosting on the cake. I've reached the straw and the frosting part for one last time this past week. It is time I begin, after fifty years, to take back my life or maybe even start to live the life I never lived. You see, when I grew up it wasn't about you or so I was told over and over as I watched it be about my brothers time and time again. No wonder I grew up to be a people pleaser. If someone needed something who did they call? Yup, good ole Dianne she a sucker and will do anything you ask. I think something has to change.
Last week my eyes were opened and I decided it was time for me to take charge. I will no longer allow people to dictate to me how I should live or what I should do or what I should have done in any given situation to make their life easier. I pondered and stressed over this decision as most of my life the drama came from family who decided I owed them everything, even my soul. I have realized no I don't. If that makes me a bad person then I'm a bad person. I don't care anymore. I have read over and over, never push a loyal person to the point of where they no longer care. THERE! I don't!
I am sitting here right now and I must say it feels good to take my soul back and do what is right for me, for once. No longer being used for others to say or do anything they want to me without any consequences. Nope I'm done. This week starts a new me. The new me who will no longer allow people to treat me or my family like we are second hand trash, unless they need something. Talk about the phrase, "I have had it," Well for me it is more like "I HAVE HAD IT." Shouting it from a roof top. I will no longer allow any garage in my life. Family or otherwise. It's true what they say that eventually the crap catches up with you and the crap others have forked out over the years is coming to a complete halt. I will no longer be here for everyone when they decide I need to be. I will be hanging with the good people and doing for the good people who understand that life isn't only about them and their needs. I've never understood people like that anyways probably because I was always being told it wasn't about me. That kind of shit can mess a person up real good. I know it isn't about me and it never was about me that's not in my dna but there are times a person has to take that rest and pull back only to refresh and be ready to give more goodness to the world. Plus my health is fragile I cannot afford anymore stress to compound all that I live with on a daily basis. Funny part is the people who treat me the worst are the ones who think I have no health issues what so ever.
The takers are gone. It feels good. I'm never going back to the senseless drama others impose on me I have better things to do with my time. It is so strange because my heart almost feels like a ton of bricks have been lifted and thrown across a field. The weight on my shoulders of rude, selfish, people is gone. I am making a vow to myself to now longer allow them to even speak a word to me. My physical or mental health do not deserve it. I do not deserve. Sad it took me fifty one years to get to this point but I am finally here. I will reserve all my goodness for the people who can give me, at least a little bit of their, goodness back. I have a few of those people in my life and I am thankful for them. Even the friends I don't see often who always make me feel special when I see them never once being rude or taking advantage of my goodness. Why do we have to put up with the other kinds of people. Is it because they are family? Really? Family treating people like that? I think if some of our so called family were our friends we would have ran a long time ago so why do we stay? Some odd sort of obligation? I don't owe anyone anything anymore. It has gotten to that level. The sad part is when you delete people out of your life it comes with a price. There are the times you have to lose others that you don't want to lose because of the ones you need to lose. If you don't do it the insanity will never end. Life will always have that brick following behind you by a rope. You want to cut that rope so many times but you just can't. Then there finally comes the moment when you get the courage to cut it lose. The breaking point has arrived. You do it and it is a relief. I am there and as I always say, "It is what it is."
God Bless,
Dianne
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
Failures
Funny how I always seem to read something that goes along with what my head was wrestling with the night before as I lay in bed. I have a love hate relationship with my middle of the night conversations that carry on in my head as trying to get back to sleep. There are times they can get so out of control I just have to get up and write them down or take a breather to bring myself back to some sort of relaxation point where I am able to slow it all down and go back to sleep. Easier said then done as an active brain can be torture at times but on the other hand can also help you in so many ways to try and figure all of life out. The past few weeks haven't helped much. We all know how it is when life hits you hard and you begin to think even more and ask all the why questions that you really shouldn't ask at all. So why do we do that? Ask all the questions? To make sense of certain things that happen to us that more than likely will never make any sense at all? I don't know. My ongoing struggle.
Today's early morning brain conversation began when I started thinking about someone who is thinking of looking for a new job. The uncertainty and the scariness of it all for this person. The rejection trying to find a new job might bring our way. It's funny how when we become comfortable we want to stay there but are we suppose to? I wondered. Wondered about the failure part of life. In jobs. In the world. With ourselves which might be the worst one of all. In our relationships. In our lives failure is there everyday. We can't hide from it and act like it doesn't exist because if we do we will never grow. If we don't step out of our comfort zone and reach for more why are we here? It isn't about a job or making more money it is about us. It is about getting to that place where we can tell ourselves I have done the best I can and now I will see what happens. If I don't get this job or someone doesn't like me that's okay because there is always tomorrow to try again. Life is funny like that because you always get a second chance no matter what your failures might be.
Relationships and friendships are proof. If you look back over your life you can see this first hand. You have had many different relationships over the years. Friends that came and went but they were there for a reason not as failure relationships but as relationship lessons. Your heart still holds a special place for many of those friends but life changed the circumstances of those friendships and you, or they, moved on. Is it a bad thing? Not at all. We must get to a place where we can just be okay with it all. We have all made stupid mistakes but we learned from them even in relationships. Embrace them they were there for a reason.
Ever since I have been ill I am able to look outside the box of life, as I would call it. I live it in a different light now so it is so easy for me to look out on others lives and see the hurt and how scared people really are especially of failure or maybe of life itself. We have to learn to cut that loose and give the world what it deserves, a piece of ourselves. We must quit being afraid of failure and look upon it as opportunity. Opportunity to give, opportunity to grow. You might try to do something and it doesn't work out but at least you tried. Your failure is just the next better opportunity waiting for you to find it. It seems life knows what we need before we know. We wait. We do the best we can with what we have and we must stop worrying about failing and being so hard on ourselves. It is sad our world has made us believe that if we are not #1 we are nothing. It isn't true we just have to start believing it so we can move on with our own dreams. Take the first step and believe in yourself even if the world doesn't. Let them eat you alive and come back even stronger than before.You can do it because failure is never real anyways!
God Bless!
Dianne
Monday, April 14, 2014
It's Not What You Get It's What You Give.
It's not what you get it's what you give.
I was lying in bed that night thinking about why a young man has to get cancer and trying to get the answers but as usual nothing came to mind. It is so hard to make sense of some of the things that happen to us and the people we care about. The dynamics of it all. When you are young you always think or even blurt out something like they were old so it was time. Is this true? The older I get the more and more I realize this isn't the case. We are still the same person the older we get just a little worn. Parts begin to break down and at times our bodies like to attack us for no good reason. I know for me as a Christian the simple answer is because of the garden and Adam and Eve making a wrong choice but why the heck do we all have to pay for their stupidity? Sin, that's why, I guess. It is is what it is. It isn't worth arguing about, it just is. The earth is plagued with it and it seems worse and worse as the years pass. I don't know the answer to all of it but I sure wish I did.
It's not what you get it's what you give.
As I laid there last night worrying about Mike I also thought to myself about the bitter fact that when someone gets sick it affects so many people. The ripple effect. Mike's in the middle, the start of the ripple, and all around him are the people who love him suffering right along. Watching my husband suffering as his brother, best friend, and right hand man is ill. I thought about that and how love has a way of ripping your heart out of your chest and at times there isn't much you can do about it except hurt. But then, just as the sadness was there the light was also shinning so bright. The light of love. Love from those around you and from those with whom you would never expect a thing from. My sister in laws mother who battled lung cancer talking to Mike and his wife. The friend from church who has battled lung cancer and has taken the time to reach out even when her pain is still so raw from her cancer journey. The people at work ready to step up and help Rich to fill in the gap of Mike's absence. Means so much to Rich. The goodness that surrounds you that you don't know is there until something bad happens. We all must use what happens to us to make the world a better place and so many people do. Thankful! I must admit just when something happens to make me never want to leave the house again God once again takes the reins and shows me the goodness. I begin to look back on the bad experiences I may have had out in the world and it sort of makes me giggle. Stupid people driving and whipping me off? Seriously? My brother in law has cancer, and I hate to say it, but the sinner in me yelled asshole to the driver. Sinner! Yup! I'm at the front of the line on that one. I always say when I meet the Lord I am going to ask him why would you want me here? I am one of the worst sinners of all. Then I remember oh ya the cross. It's pretty cut and dry for a Christian the hard part is living it without becoming one of them, the guy who whipped me off, or me the one who called him an asshole and me who wanted to go follow him and give him a piece of my mind. I lay my body at the cross and ask for the forgiveness I surely do not deserve. Pretty sure I'll do it again and again and again.
I thought about chronic illness and how this all intertwines. I began to think about the worst diagnosis ever, cancer, and how everyone goes into save mode. It's like the person diagnosed is dead before anything has even been discussed. Curious to me but it is human nature. I thought about the chronic illness diagnosis and how we hide it because we know people are going to say things like, oh you have arthritis welcome to the club we all do its part of aging and the other stupid comments people make. I believe we must learn to put ourselves in the place of the ill no matter what they are suffering from. Compassion. Empathy. Chronic illness doesn't carry a death sentence to most people so why do they care? Cancer, now that is a different story. It is so sad because I know of people right now who are fighting for their lives because of autoimmune diseases. How can we look down on that suffering as being in a different category? I struggle with this everyday as I pull farther and farther away from people because they don't want to hear it. Sad but true.
In the end it is not about illness it is about people. Cancer, autoimmune, heart disease, or any other diseases people are dealing with that might be attacking their body. We must love, care, and give. Give out a piece of our heart as those are doing right now for Mike in his time of need. It doesn't have to be much it can be a thought, a prayer, a meal, a gift card, a listening ear or should I say an understanding ear,not a judging ear. Whatever it is you have to give just give it. People will be touched by your outpouring of love and who knows it might help them make sense of what is happening to them as they struggle and I can guarantee you will learn something too. Like I always say, you cannot help everyone but you can help someone. Believe in someone. The lonely. The old. The suffering. Why else are we here?
God Bless!
Dianne
I was lying in bed that night thinking about why a young man has to get cancer and trying to get the answers but as usual nothing came to mind. It is so hard to make sense of some of the things that happen to us and the people we care about. The dynamics of it all. When you are young you always think or even blurt out something like they were old so it was time. Is this true? The older I get the more and more I realize this isn't the case. We are still the same person the older we get just a little worn. Parts begin to break down and at times our bodies like to attack us for no good reason. I know for me as a Christian the simple answer is because of the garden and Adam and Eve making a wrong choice but why the heck do we all have to pay for their stupidity? Sin, that's why, I guess. It is is what it is. It isn't worth arguing about, it just is. The earth is plagued with it and it seems worse and worse as the years pass. I don't know the answer to all of it but I sure wish I did.
It's not what you get it's what you give.
As I laid there last night worrying about Mike I also thought to myself about the bitter fact that when someone gets sick it affects so many people. The ripple effect. Mike's in the middle, the start of the ripple, and all around him are the people who love him suffering right along. Watching my husband suffering as his brother, best friend, and right hand man is ill. I thought about that and how love has a way of ripping your heart out of your chest and at times there isn't much you can do about it except hurt. But then, just as the sadness was there the light was also shinning so bright. The light of love. Love from those around you and from those with whom you would never expect a thing from. My sister in laws mother who battled lung cancer talking to Mike and his wife. The friend from church who has battled lung cancer and has taken the time to reach out even when her pain is still so raw from her cancer journey. The people at work ready to step up and help Rich to fill in the gap of Mike's absence. Means so much to Rich. The goodness that surrounds you that you don't know is there until something bad happens. We all must use what happens to us to make the world a better place and so many people do. Thankful! I must admit just when something happens to make me never want to leave the house again God once again takes the reins and shows me the goodness. I begin to look back on the bad experiences I may have had out in the world and it sort of makes me giggle. Stupid people driving and whipping me off? Seriously? My brother in law has cancer, and I hate to say it, but the sinner in me yelled asshole to the driver. Sinner! Yup! I'm at the front of the line on that one. I always say when I meet the Lord I am going to ask him why would you want me here? I am one of the worst sinners of all. Then I remember oh ya the cross. It's pretty cut and dry for a Christian the hard part is living it without becoming one of them, the guy who whipped me off, or me the one who called him an asshole and me who wanted to go follow him and give him a piece of my mind. I lay my body at the cross and ask for the forgiveness I surely do not deserve. Pretty sure I'll do it again and again and again.
I thought about chronic illness and how this all intertwines. I began to think about the worst diagnosis ever, cancer, and how everyone goes into save mode. It's like the person diagnosed is dead before anything has even been discussed. Curious to me but it is human nature. I thought about the chronic illness diagnosis and how we hide it because we know people are going to say things like, oh you have arthritis welcome to the club we all do its part of aging and the other stupid comments people make. I believe we must learn to put ourselves in the place of the ill no matter what they are suffering from. Compassion. Empathy. Chronic illness doesn't carry a death sentence to most people so why do they care? Cancer, now that is a different story. It is so sad because I know of people right now who are fighting for their lives because of autoimmune diseases. How can we look down on that suffering as being in a different category? I struggle with this everyday as I pull farther and farther away from people because they don't want to hear it. Sad but true.
In the end it is not about illness it is about people. Cancer, autoimmune, heart disease, or any other diseases people are dealing with that might be attacking their body. We must love, care, and give. Give out a piece of our heart as those are doing right now for Mike in his time of need. It doesn't have to be much it can be a thought, a prayer, a meal, a gift card, a listening ear or should I say an understanding ear,not a judging ear. Whatever it is you have to give just give it. People will be touched by your outpouring of love and who knows it might help them make sense of what is happening to them as they struggle and I can guarantee you will learn something too. Like I always say, you cannot help everyone but you can help someone. Believe in someone. The lonely. The old. The suffering. Why else are we here?
God Bless!
Dianne
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
When The Storms of Life Hit
Our family has had a week that has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride when it comes to health issues. Last week Addi, my brother and Rich's brother all had health issue. I am happy and relieved to report that both Addi and my brother are recovering well. It is such a relief when the people closest to your heart make it through health issues when you really have no idea how they be after the surgeries or hospitalizations. We worry and fret over all of it but we are thankful this week for Addi and Dave feeling better.
Last week at the same time Rich's brother was having issues with a cough which they thought was a lung infection but we received not such good news yesterday as he/we found out what they thought was a lung infection turned out to be cancer. Yesterday was the brick day. You know those days? You are slammed down with something and it just feels like a brick hit you square in the face. You are swimming in your thoughts, the thoughts you cannot control. The bad thoughts that try to take over and tell you the worst case scenario. I always wonder why we go to that place first. Human nature? It really makes no sense what so ever but for some reason we do it. Is it because of all the hurts we have had in the past and for some reason it is so much easier to do the crap self talk over the self talk of hope and love? Personally after the almost eight years of being ill and never knowing what is going to happen from day to day I have learned to do more of the hope and love talk. I have learned if I don't I will be eaten alive by the crap. I must cloud out that garbage and remember there is still good in so many situations even when I think of only the bad.
In all honesty? If you know Rich's brother, Mike, at all you know he is as bullheaded as they come. A true fighter. If anyone will kick some cancers ass it will be him. It is a scary unknown road ahead for all and the plan of life will be altered for some time. How long? Who knows. I guess that isn't up to us. The way I see it is if we still have air coming into our lungs we are here for a reason. To live life, ill or not. People get cancer everyday and people beat cancer everyday. I recall reading quite a few years back that more that 90% of those who are diagnosed with cancer beat it. Those odds are odds of hope, not despair. I have also learned and witnessed what cancer does to people. It is really amazing. Relationships become stronger in many instances. Happy times become even more joyful even in the midst of treatments. Love. Yes, love. It is heavy in the room when you are with a cancer patient and their families or even a survivor. Cancer changes not only the person with it but those who surround them and love them. It is a lesson of sorts maybe that we don't take everything for granted. I know I do. I always assume Rich is just going to be there but in an instant that can change. We live life like that when things are normal and not rocky. If the boat isn't being rocked then we just live in some sort of a cloud. We complain about the absolute stupidest things that really mean nothing at all. We get depressed if we don't have something we want or if we can't do something instead of enjoying the moment and really truly loving those around us. I am guilty I know that. I could go on and on but I will save more for later brain overload as I try to process all of this.
We go on from here and take it one day at a time but most of all we keep the HOPE!
God Bless!
Dianne
Last week at the same time Rich's brother was having issues with a cough which they thought was a lung infection but we received not such good news yesterday as he/we found out what they thought was a lung infection turned out to be cancer. Yesterday was the brick day. You know those days? You are slammed down with something and it just feels like a brick hit you square in the face. You are swimming in your thoughts, the thoughts you cannot control. The bad thoughts that try to take over and tell you the worst case scenario. I always wonder why we go to that place first. Human nature? It really makes no sense what so ever but for some reason we do it. Is it because of all the hurts we have had in the past and for some reason it is so much easier to do the crap self talk over the self talk of hope and love? Personally after the almost eight years of being ill and never knowing what is going to happen from day to day I have learned to do more of the hope and love talk. I have learned if I don't I will be eaten alive by the crap. I must cloud out that garbage and remember there is still good in so many situations even when I think of only the bad.
In all honesty? If you know Rich's brother, Mike, at all you know he is as bullheaded as they come. A true fighter. If anyone will kick some cancers ass it will be him. It is a scary unknown road ahead for all and the plan of life will be altered for some time. How long? Who knows. I guess that isn't up to us. The way I see it is if we still have air coming into our lungs we are here for a reason. To live life, ill or not. People get cancer everyday and people beat cancer everyday. I recall reading quite a few years back that more that 90% of those who are diagnosed with cancer beat it. Those odds are odds of hope, not despair. I have also learned and witnessed what cancer does to people. It is really amazing. Relationships become stronger in many instances. Happy times become even more joyful even in the midst of treatments. Love. Yes, love. It is heavy in the room when you are with a cancer patient and their families or even a survivor. Cancer changes not only the person with it but those who surround them and love them. It is a lesson of sorts maybe that we don't take everything for granted. I know I do. I always assume Rich is just going to be there but in an instant that can change. We live life like that when things are normal and not rocky. If the boat isn't being rocked then we just live in some sort of a cloud. We complain about the absolute stupidest things that really mean nothing at all. We get depressed if we don't have something we want or if we can't do something instead of enjoying the moment and really truly loving those around us. I am guilty I know that. I could go on and on but I will save more for later brain overload as I try to process all of this.
We go on from here and take it one day at a time but most of all we keep the HOPE!
God Bless!
Dianne
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Illness. What a Stupid Word or is it?
Illness. One of those words in the English language that make me cringe. Like the word capacity, oh how I hate that word, so of course Richie lovessss to say it to me whenever he gets the chance. I have no idea why that word makes me cringe it just does I even hate writing it here plus it's not like I would ever use such a big word. It is like nails on a chalkboard for me but the illness word, well, that is even worse. I can't say that the word illness makes me cringe because of myself but more when I hear it with another persons name attached to it. It seems we have been hearing of someone being ill a lot lately. My bro had double hernia surgery, Rich's bro brother has pneumonia and is in the hospital, but dare I say at the risk of sounding really slefish the worst of all is our dear sweet Addison having to have a mass removed from her neck. Let me explain.Yes, I hate hearing when any family member or friend is ill but a child? I know as adults we can all learn something from our struggles but a child? What does a child learn from being ill or having to have a surgery? It feels like when it rains it pours and the past two days have been no different. Then as I sit and ponder on Addi I wonder is the lesson meant for her or for us as adults? I can't imagine it is for her or us. How is a child suppose to learn a lesson when they can't even process what is happening to them? How is a grown adult suppose to handle seeing a child suffer? I will never forget her when she got home yesterday and how she showed me her hand where the IV had been. She just looked at me with her sweet innocent face and pointed to her hand, no words coming from her lips. I tried to make it like she was a rock star but my heart sank as her face was looking at me as if she wondered what just happened to her and why. Then she proceeded to point to her neck, which was wrapped full circle in coban with the stitches below, there again not saying a word just putting her little pointer finger on the spot where I assume the incision was, she pointed softly up and down on her neck. How traumatic for a child. How traumatic for her mother. How traumatic for her father who is a thousand miles away for six months on a training mission for the air force. It wasn't an easy day for any of us but we made it through with lots of love and prayers. I told Katie these are the times it is true how important it is to stay close to one another so you can just be there. I am thankful beyond words we have that bond!
When I think back to when our children were ill I remember feeling ill the whole time they were sick but I never had to face anything like they're family did yesterday. I think and truly believe when you are young your reality of life is overshadowed by busyness and the fact that truthfully not that many bad things have happened in your life for you to realize how fragile it really is. Probably a really good thing it is like that or we would never make it as parents. Then I think of the parents who have to face a cancer diagnosis or other disease with a child. How in the world do they do that? We could never know until we face something ourselves how hard and unimaginable it might be. You can never imagine anything until you go through it yourself.
Today we are thankful. Thankful both brothers are being taken care of and on the road to recovery. Thankful for Addi getting through surgery. Thankful for realizing how very fortunate we all are even when we face something that scares the hell out of all of us. We love and we move on from here. Surely more tragedies will plague our family, and I assume yours, but we deal with them as they come. We say the dreaded illness word and do what we have to do to take care of the illness whatever it might be at the time. In the end you begin to think about that word, illness, and you learn that it may be awful ,it maybe scary, but it is also love. It brings you even closer together than you thought it would before it hit. It makes you love even deeper and support those who need it. When you are in the middle of the dreaded word it's awful but in the end you see you are even more blessed then you ever thought possible.
God Bless!
Dianne
When I think back to when our children were ill I remember feeling ill the whole time they were sick but I never had to face anything like they're family did yesterday. I think and truly believe when you are young your reality of life is overshadowed by busyness and the fact that truthfully not that many bad things have happened in your life for you to realize how fragile it really is. Probably a really good thing it is like that or we would never make it as parents. Then I think of the parents who have to face a cancer diagnosis or other disease with a child. How in the world do they do that? We could never know until we face something ourselves how hard and unimaginable it might be. You can never imagine anything until you go through it yourself.
Today we are thankful. Thankful both brothers are being taken care of and on the road to recovery. Thankful for Addi getting through surgery. Thankful for realizing how very fortunate we all are even when we face something that scares the hell out of all of us. We love and we move on from here. Surely more tragedies will plague our family, and I assume yours, but we deal with them as they come. We say the dreaded illness word and do what we have to do to take care of the illness whatever it might be at the time. In the end you begin to think about that word, illness, and you learn that it may be awful ,it maybe scary, but it is also love. It brings you even closer together than you thought it would before it hit. It makes you love even deeper and support those who need it. When you are in the middle of the dreaded word it's awful but in the end you see you are even more blessed then you ever thought possible.
God Bless!
Dianne
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