Say What?

Yesterday I was stewing about something that happened at a doctors appointment at Christmas time, which was four months ago. I came to realize I have been angry and holding all this anger in over the treatment at that appointment. I didn't realize how much those comments really affected me until I read an article on doctors who patient profile. The ones who either look at you or your chart and make the assumption you are either lazy or can't possibly be happy when you are over weight. There are so many other points that could be hit on here but I feel this is what my experience with this doctor was. I went in for a blood pressure appointment need I say more? Probably not but I will. I was asked if I like taking pills. Yes, "Do you like taking pills?" came out of his mouth. Little did he know who he was dealing with. The what comes to my mind comes out of my mouth person that I am said, "Does anyone like taking pills?" I think I caught him off guard but oh well if you can disrespect me I can disrespect you. Game on. Then I got the exercise lecture which I know and have heard a million times so guess what came out of the pie hole? "Do I look stupid?" Shocked him again. He said he wasn't implying I was stupid but from my view that is exactaly what I felt he was implying. I always find it odd and somewhat amusing when I see a doc or a person for that matter who has no clue as to what my history is but they feel it okay to give me their opinion on something they know nothing about. Things that me me go Humm Humm Humm. It was strange because Rich was with me at this appointment because we had to finish some last minute Christmas shopping. When we left and got in the car the first thing he said was, "Do not listen to what he said he was rude and you do a good job considering what you live with." He always knows the right things to say but being a person who is a slave to illness you take all those rude and unnecessary comments from people who don't understand, personally. My world is small, very small, much smaller than the normal world. My life is getting through each day not worrying about the next thing I have to do. It is one minute at a time. It is endless planning in my head. When I have task I have to do I must have a detailed plan on how I will accomplish that task. If I have a doctors appointment that is pretty much all I can do that day because it wipes me out. When I have to deal with rude doctors who dont understand and put me in the same category as everyone else it stresses me to the max. If I could have them live in this body for a week I can bet they would be begging for their life back. Their ability to jog or swim laps in a pool for an hour ah what a dream that is for me and when they tell me I need to do the same the anger wells up inside me.  Writing this blog helps me to try to make some kind of sense out of comments like that so does the fact that I will never see that doctor again.  I must admit most of the time I can't understand and truthfully I don't want to. What I learn is that I must continue to have compassion for others no matter their situation, no matter what I think they should or shouldn't be doing. It's not up to me just as it is not up to anyone else to tell me their opinion or to profile what I live with when they have no clue. As I pondered on this for so long it reminds me of the OOM doctor I had who was amazing not only because he helped me feel better but because he understood. He got it. He would tell me not to be so hard on myself and not push myself. He understood I really wanted to be like everyone else. He never made judgements or told me I didn't do enough. He understood chronic illness and did his best to help me and his patients feel better even on the days it meant you made it out of bed today. I struggle with doctors so much not because they say things they are suppose to but because I have a hard time keeping up with all I am suppose to be to them. In someways I don't think I will ever understand it but I'll keep on trying.

God Bless!

Dianne

😕

You know how companies have a logo? McDonalds has the big yellow M and as soon as you see it your brain automatically tells you McDonalds. It's funny how are brains are wired to recognize logos. A while back I was looking at the emoticon faces on my phone and I came across this face 😕. I was actually looking for a face to send to a friend in a text. I wanted a face that explained more than just a face but her true emotion and that is when I came across this 😕. I didn't send her this face but after I finished the text I went back to this face 😕 and stared at it for some time. I thought to myself this is life with chronic illness. Some of my thoughts went like this: Every morning when you wake up from a night of pain 😕. Everyday just trying to make it through the day being normal knowing all the while you're not 😕. Every time you have to answer the question, "How are you?" 😕 man I wish people just wouldn't ask that. I'm not fine and I never will be 😕. Every time I am weak and so fatigued I can hardly do anything but rest 😕. Every time I start to believe that I am lazy or no good because I can't do what real people do 😕. Every time I have to put friends off when they want to go out 😕. Every time I am expected to be the strong one when inside I'm the weakest 😕 or as I call it living the lie. The lies of living with chronic illness not because people don't understand but because they just don't have the time to 😕. I have come to believe that people really do think you are the same person you were before you became ill but believe me you're not 😕 no matter how good an actor you are 😕. My list could go on as I am sure yours could too in whatever you deal with on a daily basis.

I sure don't want to sound like downer Dianne just real Dianne because it is what it is. After years of this it begins to wear you down. I fight it, I do, and my life really is 😊 but the personal reality of knowing this is forever is more of the 😕 than the 😊. I know in the end all the pain and grueling fatigue will be gone 😊 but right now it isn't and that's just the way it is 😕. Every day I 😕 But I must 😊 because there must be some reason for it all, right? Hope! I know I use that word a lot in my blogs but it's all I have. It's all anyone dealing with chronic illness has. The belief that life is 😊 even in the midst of the 😕. It is an inside job. You can have it all and still struggle but you have to keep the hope of a brighter day.

So 😕 take that 😊😄😃😀 because you will never win as long as I have air in my lungs 😛.

God Bless and keep on Fighting! 😊

Dianne

Still Pushing On

I haven't been on here in a while in the hopes that if I ignore all my health issues they will magically disappear and my life will return to the way it use to be way back when I was healthy. Truthfully I would take even half way healthy at this point but the mind over matter thing isn't curing me that's for sure. I just read something that said:
I'm always scared to say how I really feel. No one wants to hear "It's getting worse." Everyone wants to hear "It's finally better." But, what if it isn't? What if I'm lying?
This hit me hard as I try to act like my life is just fine and all is well, not because it is, but because I know no one gets it. I'm sick not stupid. I know what people think and it just makes it so much easier to not tell anyone how it really is because all they want to do is fix you or quite honestly not hear about it. I get it I really do, its okay, as I continually live in my own hell, alone. It's funny how people think things are fine when they are removed from a situation. I know most people look at me and think there is no way she is sick. I wish that were the truth especially last night when I was up half the night in excruciating pain in my knees and elbows. Pain so bad that sleep was very disrupted. When this happens I try to go back to sleep and toss and turn in hopes of relief which many times never comes. The pain no one sees so when you can't see someone's suffering it isn't there. For me it is quite a different view. Nights like that make the daytime almost unbearable.

Yesterday had to go to the grocery store I didn't want to but I forced myself to go. It was fine I made it through got back home and carried the groceries into the house. I put them all on the island and knew I needed to rest before I could put them away so I sat at the table and jotted down a few personal thoughts on how hard it is to grocery shop. Something so simple to the real world. I'm pretty sure a healthy person reading this thinks it sounds crazy but like with everything until it happens to you there is no way you can understand it. I tried to use the mind over matter thing and tell myself to just get up and put them away but I physically couldn't do it. Weak and exhausted I sat there and thought to myself this too shall pass. It did. I put the stuff away and carried on, onto the couch for a while but at least I carried on. I spent some time on Pinterest looking at ideas for decorating. Looking at the things that give me hope in this hell. I thought of all our kids and their families as I do so many times throughout the day and the joy in my heart out weighed the heartache of the illness that controls my life, the illness no one sees or understands.

Here are a few of the things I jotted down yesterday. It sounds so very ridiculous but writing stupid stuff like this down helps me process what I am going through since I am my own therapist in all of this. You know you are chronically ill when:

-Your favorite part of the day is bedtime.
-When taking a bath makes you moan like a French whore.
-You are unable to sleep because the pain controls everything.
-You wake up in the morning more tired then you were when you went to bed.
-You dream of a world that understood.
-You have to cancel plans or not make plans because you need your energy to just exist.
-You feel alone, more alone than anyone could ever understand.
-Your best friends are your dogs because you spend your days with them instead of people.
-You can't hold down a job because you never know what each day will bring. (Thankfully I am able to be home and have a very understanding husband.)
-Your favorite place to come to is your blog because in some strange way it understands.
I could go on and on but I won't.

I feel like I am at a place with my blog where I don't know what to write about anymore. I have covered every topic that affects me personally, so why write more? Is it a time to end this and just let it be what it is? I'm not sure. My writing skills have faded along with my illness. the years fly by and each year you wonder if this is the year you will feel better...or die. I am off all medications for my arthritis and I wonder if that is my whole problem. The thought of going back on any of them is a heart wrenching thought. I must say I was doing better on them but at what cost? Side effects that were unbearable. There is such a give and take with being chronically ill. The decisions you must make in order to live somewhat of a normal life are hard to make. I wish I had that crystal ball to look into and the answer would pop up all sparkly and shiny like a brand new penny. Here you go Dianne here is your answer, do this or do that and waa laa everything will be better. We all know life doesn't work like that, it never has and it never will. So we push on. We have faith. We have hope even when the hope is just a little glimmer of light. I always think to myself as long as that glimmer of light is shining through we will make it and on the days that the light is brighter than most we push ourselves to do more, to be better, and to fight to the end. Like I always say what more can we do?

God Bless!

Dianne

Twelve Days of Christmas Chronic Illness Style

On the 1st day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me a will to get through it all.

On the 2nd day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 2 swollen fingers and a will to get through it all.

On the 3rd day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers and a will to get through it all.

On the 4th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and will to get through it all.

On the 5th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and will to get through it all.

On the 6th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and a will to get through it all.

On the 7th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 7 peeps who don't get it, 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and will to get through it all.

On the 8th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 8 muscles weakening, 7 peeps who don't get it, 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and a will to get through it all.

On the 9th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 9 leave me alones, 8 muscles weakening, 7 peeps who don't get it, 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and will to get through it all.

On the 10th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 10 voices talking in my head, 9 leave me alones, 8 muscles weakening, 7 peeps who don't get it, 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and a will to get through it all.

On the 11th day of Christmas my chronic illness gave to me 11 times the fatigue, 10 voices talking in my head, 9 leave me alones, 8 muscles weakening, 7 peeps who don't get it, 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains, 2 swollen fingers, and a will to get through it all.

On the 12th day of Christmas chronic illness gave to me 12 muscles stiffening, 11 times the fatigue, 10 voices talking in my head, 9 leaves me alone, 8 muscles weakening, 7 peeps who don't get it, 6 hours of insomnia, 5 Arthritis Tylenol, 4 get this over with attitudes, 3 aches and pains. 2 swollen fingers, and a will to get through it all.

In the end all that really matters is the 1st day of Christmas because when you are chronically ill all you really need is the will to be stronger than the illness and believe you are stronger than any obstacle it can throw in your way. Well, that and a whole lot of humor to get you through it too!
Merry Christmas my friends!

God Bless!

Dianne

Pieces of Chaos

I worked on this art piece for many days and hours a few months ago after we moved for the third time this year. It is large 48" x 18". My head was going crazy because I hadn't done anything artistical (my word from the little rascals movie and I love it) in a long time. I needed to release some energy out of my brain and I have seen pieces like this before but nothing like this one. As any good artist does I pondered on the piece for some time in my head knowing this was what I wanted. I devised a mental plan as to what I was going to do. The biggest problem was the questioning in my head as to if the picture in my head was actually going to be what ended up on the canvas. The reason I chose this piece is because, even though it is hard to see, is made up of many small hand cut pieces of wood cedar shaker shingles. The struggles of trying to figure out what my/our life was and still is with all that has happened over the past year has me in such turmoil that I am questioning everything. Pure chaos to me. The pieces are just that to me chaos. Every time I would cut a piece of wood, stained it, and glue it on the canvas I would wonder if my life would ever come back together as the piece began to take shape. As I sit here I am still wondering but I also am starting to get a little more at ease with life now that I am able to hang up my art work, photos, and put some personal touches on our home. A new life that will all be okay I am sure. Funny how life works like that. We all go through those times in life. You know, the struggles, sometimes they fly by in a matter of days but other times the pit is deep and it takes time to climb your way out but eventually you do. It's called hope and you have to hang on to hope or you have nothing. We struggle through so many different things each of us. Whether health issues, financial problems, strained relationships, and the many other problems that come up but we hang on and push on because that is all we can do. A funny thing happens, as it did with this piece I call Pieces of Chaos, as I put the final coat of poly on it to make it shine and help preserve all my labor of love and as it all came together. I stood back and thought to myself wow it came together even better than the picture I had in my head. We doubt ourselves so much and when we do we miss out on the hope of things to come. It's like those problems in life. They may not always get better but eventually they become easier over time and things change for the better. This past year has taught me so much. I not only took the time to do this art piece but I strengthened relationships and I came to the realization there are relationships I need to sever the ties with. When you have time you think. It's a good thing. Stopping and stepping back to see the truth and make choices that work for you and not everyone else. It is freeing and a gift you give to yourself. It shapes you into the person you are really meant to be. I have realized in over fifty years I have never put myself first. I've decided that it is time. Not in a selfish way at all but in a way of caring for myself. I am always the one who tries to help everyone else with their issues but I never take the time for me. I have to stop and I feel like I am doing a good job of that over the past few months here. It's time! I can't make anyone's life better that is up to them not me. It feels so good to finally be able to think that way and it's okay. How freeing it is when all the pieces come together.

When it comes to my health as I took much time over the past ten months thinking about that too I have came to more realizations there also. Over the past years I allowed myself to put all my faith in the doctors to "cure" me not realizing it is in me that I may get a cure and not in them. It has been a year since I have been off all the really hard core drugs for my arthritis and I feel really good about that. Has my pain disappeared? No! But another amazing thing happened. Once I began to focus on what I could do instead of what I couldn't do things started to change. I made the decisions no more doctors unless absolutely necessary. I took the control. Like I said I still have the same problems but I think about them differently now. If I hurt instead of telling myself I can't do much because I hurt I do something. Clean something. Bake. Cook. Whatever it is I find something. I am trying hard to use my mind which is something I have always done but it is different now. I am happy that since I went off the meds I have only had, guessing here, about four migraines. This is progress as I use to have them weekly. My extreme fatigue is still there and the same but oh well we are all tired at least that is what I tell myself. Yes, I still have to sit down and rest but I don't allow it to consume my day anymore. My fingers and hands are painful and sometimes don't work well but at least they work. Yes, there are the days I don't get much done but I get something done. I am wondering about getting a job outside the home besides helping Rich with his paper work. My head really wants to but I am concerned what will happen if I do and it is too much. The struggle with that is huge for me. I wonder about volunteering instead of a job but as sad as it sounds I almost feel it is time to feed myself instead of always giving out. A job would do that since I could be around people anyways and help out with bringing in some funds. I will see what happens as that mental conversation is going on constantly lately. We shall see. We moved and the chaos still continues which by the way reminds me that I am trying to come up with a new art project to release some of this madness in my head and to keep my mind off pain and suffering.

Today I will enjoy my Pieces of Chaos art piece as it hangs over our computer. I remember what it represents. A time in life of turmoil but also the hope that comes from all that turmoil. In conclusion: Life IS chaos in so many ways. In the end what is important is how WE decided to turn our chaos into beauty. Take the pieces and put them all together to bring beauty to ourselves. A beauty that has nothing to do with anyone else except YOU! Take your chaos and what you learn from it to move onto a better life for you and no one else. Only you can do it.

God Bless!

Dianne

"It's No Big Deal" Hashimotos

Don't you just love it when someone say's, "It's no big deal," to you? When I hear, "It's no big deal," I always cringe in an odd sort of way and wonder if my face crunches up or if it tells the person they are an idiot just by the look I have. After the cringe I think to myself, ya it's no big deal because it isn't you. I can assure you if it was you it would be a big deal. It never ceases to amaze me how when someone else is going through something it isn't a big deal but when it is us wow how the tables turn. I have this so often from people who always tell me, someone else always has it worse, but when they have a tragic event or health issue they are devastated with it and the game changes. There are so many times I am out in the world where I witness compassion and empathy for another slipping out of everyday life like it is no big deal. I could go on but I will spare you.

My no big deal moment happened a few Wednesday's ago when I received a phone call telling me I had Hashimotos Disease. Hashimotos is an autoimmune disease that causes hypothyroid or low thyroid levels. This is nothing new for me I have had low thyroid since I was nineteen when I had a routine physical and found out so taking thyroid meds for over thirty years has been second nature. The odd part to me is why, why after all those years did not one doctor ever check my antibody levels to see if I actually had Hashimotos? If you understand autoimmune disease in any sense you know that if a person has one autoimmune disease it sets them up to have multiple autoimmune diseases, hence my arthritis. In Hashimotos the body see's the thyroid gland as something that should not be there so the antibodies decided to attack it trying to get rid of it. In every autoimmune disease the body decides it wants an organ, joints, muscles, etc to be gone. The body see's them as a threat and the body being so amazing attacks like when you have a cold the immune system tries to get rid of it but in autoimmunes the body see's what is suppose to be there as a threat so it attacks. It sounds so simple but it is actually quite complicated not only because of what happens to the body, at times without the person knowing, but how it makes life a living hell for the person living with it.

The diagnosis wasn't as much of a surprise as the fact that I was told, "It is not big deal." Are you kidding? No big deal? Here we go again. It is a big deal. I wonder if the person who called me knows what the thyroid does?  From the Hormone Health Network:

Having thyroid hormone levels that are too low (underactive thyroid gland)

Sometimes the thyroid gland doesn’t make enough thyroid hormone, which is called hypothyroidism. When you don’t have enough thyroid hormone, parts of your body work too slowly.
Symptoms of underactive thyroid include

• Feeling tired
• Feeling cold even when other people are comfortable or even warm
• Having a slow heart rate and dry skin
• Being constipated
• Gaining weight even though you’re not eating more or exercising less than usual
• In children, growing very slowly

Having thyroid hormone levels that are too high (overactive thyroid gland)

Sometimes the thyroid gland makes too much thyroid hormone, which is called hyperthyroidism. Think of your body as a car and your thyroid as the engine. An overactive thyroid makes your body idle too fast.
Symptoms of overactive thyroid gland include

• Feeling nervous and irritable
• Having trouble concentrating
• Feeling too warm even when other people don’t feel warm
• Having a fast heart rate and diarrhea
• Having trouble sleeping
• Losing weight without trying

Having a lump in your thyroid gland

You can have a lump or swelling in your thyroid gland, called a nodule (NOD-jule). Nodules may have no effect on how the gland works, or can lead to too much thyroid hormone. Most nodules are benign (not cancer), but some can be cancerous.

Patients are told as soon as you start to take thyroid meds you will feel better but what about those of us who don't feel better? Those of us who suffer for years only to finally be diagnosed? I may never have been diagnosed had I not asked my new primary doctor about this. Both of my girls have Hashimotos so I figured I did too. I knew it ran in families so when they were both diagnosed I knew I had to have it. Funny part is with Hashimotos your thyroid levels can fluctuate from low to high, high to low, even on the meds. It needs to be checked every six months to keep an eye on the medication dosage. Symptoms come and go like the wind. You might have them for a week and then they disappear as fast as they came. It's odd. Many times after becoming pregnant or after giving birth a woman will develop Hashimotos. Sadly after birth a woman's symptoms get blamed on postpartum depression or you're a mom you are busy. It's no big deal. Really? Imaging trying to live, raise children, keep up a home, work, have a social life and friends with absolutely no energy, it's no big deal? Then on top of that doctors that think you are just a busy mom. It's a big deal. It makes me so angry how this shit has affected my life and slowed me down. It makes me even more angry that my children must suffer from this crap. When I hear disease behind a word like Hashimotos I think it should be taken more serious. We hear heart disease and the red flag goes up why not with Hashimotos?

I am beyond thankful that I finally do have the diagnosis because it helps me to sort things out in my head after all these years. I don't want sympathies or that's too bad's I want to educate people. I have said it before and I will continue to say it, "A person knows when something is wrong with their body. Search for a doctor that will listen to you and fight for you. If you have to go to a hundred doctors then so be it, go!" I am happy I finally have found one. I am now seeing a endocrinologist who is keeping an eye on my thyroid gland. He will redo blood and ultrasounds regularly to make sure things stay as they are. Is that relief? I'm not sure but at least I have the care I should have had years ago with this matter. I plan to do some intense research on Hashimotos once I get settled into our new home.

One other important take away from this is the fact that autoimmune disease can take years to diagnose. This has been thirty three years for me. Thirty three and that is unacceptable, at least to me. Remember there are over one hundred autoimmune diseases and many of them have the same symptoms or symptoms that overlap one another. They are hard to diagnose but you must continue to fight for yourself and for your health if you know something is wrong. A person knows how they feel more than any blood test or sometimes even more than a doctor. Don't ignore the signs and symptoms. Don't listen to the "It's no big deal's," take charge of your health. The next time someone complains or tries to talk to you because they don't feel well, listen, they are probably suffering much more than they are telling you. You can be that compassionate, empathetic soul that the world seems to be too busy to be anymore.

God Bless!

Dianne

Another Train

I stumbled upon a song a few weeks ago on the radio while flipping through the stations asking myself if there is any good music these days. Then she appeared out of no where on a station I had never heard of. Mary Gauthier. The song was long and about love so of course I was hooked. The music captured my attention right away and I fell in love instantly when her voice as she began to sing the words. It was a song about what sounded like an accident of some sort. When I got home I searched and searched the lyrics I wrote down in the car in hopes of finding the song but most importantly the artist. Finally after a bit of searching she appeared. I listened to the song again and after a few replays I was hooked even more. I found out she had a new record that was recently released called Trouble and Love. I hit Amazon and found it knowing I had to add it to my collection. In the meantime I did more research on this mysterious Mary Gauthier and found the record has a total of eight songs written about the breakup she had with her girlfriend. I got the CD the other day and popped it in listening closely to each lyric she wrote about her pain. It was heart wrenching to say the least. I could feel her pain in her lyrics and my heart ached for her but a funny thing happened as I listened to the whole record, the last song. Another Train. The scorn of a love gone bad. You know how that is, we all do. You think in the beginning you can never love again but a funny thing happens over time the healing. You move on through the pain and you begin to know there will be another love, Another Train. You pick up the pieces and you begin to live again. The pain is still there but it begins to heal like the time you skinned your knee when you feel off your bike. You bled, you healed over, but the scar is still there. You learned you have to be careful riding over those rocks because they leave scars when you fall but you pick your bike back up and you petal again. Love is no different. Rich and I laugh a lot about the fact that I would have to remarry if something happened to him. I would, it's no secret I need a man in more ways than one. Then funny part is he says he will never RIP if I remarry because he knows I'll be with another man. Hahaha see why I crack up? It brings me such a weird sense of joy to jab him with that once in a while. On the flip side I always tell him I would want him to remarry if I go first but he wants no talk of that. Love lost that heals over time. Another train. We see it all the time. We question it and wonder at times how people can just move on like they do but we never take into consideration what the tracks might look like if the situation were ours and we were on that side of the tracks. Understanding. Love. Compassion.

Illness in it's own way is like Another Train. A train that comes in and out of the station sometimes ripping our heart out the same way a love gone bad does. It's not just the specific illness you deal with but all the crap that drags along with it like when a branch or twig is stuck in the wheels of the train. It drags with you on a daily basis like a bad dream. I sit here right now with neck pain that I haven't experienced in a while but that's okay there's Another Train. The train of knowing this too shall pass just like the heartbreak we feel in love. When you are chronically ill there are the days you are on a slow moving train like a caboose trying to keep up with the mighty engine. Chug a chug you can do it, you can do it, and you will do it. You know the train you are on at the time might suck but you also keep in the back of your head there is Another Train. See it? There it is! It might be on a totally different track, miles away, but you know it's there. You keep that train on your radar because no matter how bad things get you know you will have better days ahead to live life to it fullest. Hope.

I forget how much stress plays a role in chronic illness until I am reminded as I was last night. We are building our house and it has been some what of a nightmare from the get go but we move full steam ahead despite being derailed more than once. I was told I hadn't picked out house items that needed to be done a few weeks ago when in actuality I had them all picked out and did it as soon as I was told to but the salesman didn't write a thing down. Really? Really?? If you know me I am a no nonsense person if you ask me to do something I'm going to do it. I expect the same from others hence the reason I was pissed. Do not tell me I didn't do something when I did it. I hung up the phone and was fuming and asked Rich if anyone can do their job right anymore. It seems we all want these big salaries but don't have the work ethic to deserve the pay. I didn't sleep well last night which is the reason I am up at the computer so early in the morning. I woke up at four AM and began to stew. I couldn't talk to the salesman I dealt with because after I got the information last night he was already out of the office. I'm pretty sure that was all in the plan since my hot-headedness can explode when I am at the peak of being pissed. Sleeping on it and waking up at four AM made me think about Another Train. I laid on the pillow thinking I am going to find another place to go and just order from somewhere else but then I thought Another Train. I have to remember to not get so worked up and mad. There are times I have to pull back and take a breath but you see that is another thing that has been taken from me because of illness. I don't get out much so when things go wrong they are huge for me. I'm really not upset about him not writing the selections down, well kind of, I'm more mad because now I have to drive forty-five minutes back to the showroom, spend time picking out the same things I already picked out, drive forty-five minutes back home only to have my day be over. Yes, over. The energy it takes me and others with chronic illness to do the minor inconviences to most is unexplainable. I lose a day because someone can't do a simple job? It makes me furious. Plus I have lost three to four hours of sleep from the stress. I need that sleep in order to help my body heal itself. I know no one understands this but for me it is life. Ouch, my neck. Pretty sure stress and lack of sleep are not helping this matter which in turn means I will have to wrestle with the idea of taking a muscle relaxer or living in my head telling myself it will get better. Another Train. I need to hop on Another Train and change my way of thinking because if I don't it will all compile into more and more stress that I just don't need right now. I woke up telling myself to watch for Another Train, the one that is full of love, goodness, and health. I am going to try to find that train and if it is off in the distance a long ways down the track I will still keep my eye on it. If I don't what was the point of getting out of bed.

God Bless!

Dianne