Boy it sure isn't easy when you have to depend on medications to just exist. I hate it more than you could ever even begin to imagine. A drug for this a drug for that gets old in a hurry. But then when you have to have them just to be able to face each day or sleep each night you begin to form some kind of an odd friendship with them.
Every week I go through the tug of war with my drugs. The I quit! Whats is the difference anyways? When I have these flares that last more than a few days I argue with myself and wonder what do I take all this crap for if I am going to have so many bad days anyways? I argue not only with myself but with Rich. At least once a week I say, "I am just going to get off all this crap," it makes me laugh. I know I shouldn't do it because he gets so mad at me and reminds me of how I was before all the drugs. I always say I know but maybe, just maybe if I stop all this madness, meaning popping the pills, I will be better than I was back then. He says, "No, don't you remember when you asked Dr Glisson about this and he said he didn't think it was a good idea?" Yes I do remember but I am just so sick of it all. Poor Rich. The funniest part is each week every time I say this he rolls his eyes and says, Oh no not this again." hahaha makes me laugh cause I can see his face every time even now as I write this. God bless that man!! I tell you he deserves the best spot in heaven when he gets there just for all the crap he puts up with me.
Another pain is keeping up on refills, blood tests, doctors appointments, which have nothing to do with the symptoms I live with, just more things to worry about and keep straight, hard to do when your memory is shot from pain, weakness, and meds. Of course all of my drugs do not run out at the same time so it is a full time job remembering to keep everything stocked. Then there are all the over the counter meds, vitamins, thermacares, and any other necessities that I must have to live each day. Plus the expense. We were talking last night about how people spend money on useless items while all our extra money goes to my health. While others are out shopping for new outfits I continue to make my old cloths due because I need to replenish my supply of necessities before I shop for new cloths or other wants.
Just as quickly as I talk about getting off one of my prescriptions, a few weeks ago I found out that one of my meds it is currently not available from the manufacturer. I still have a week or two left but I am beginning to freak a little. My talk of stopping all my drugs is just that, talk. I know it is not something I should even think and now as I may be forced to stop the one drug that has helped me more than any other I am getting nervous. The drug is available in pill form but I am on the injections. My doctor put me on the injections because you can only take so many pills and the dose will do nothing the more pills you take after a certain dose, so she started the injections to get more relief. I do know but if I go back on the pills the maximum amount of pills I take is only 1/2 the dose I am on with the injection. Hence, the worry. I don't care about the pain, really, pain is something that you get use to. My concern more than anything is the weakness. If the weakness comes back I will be on the couch and to think of going back there scares the hell out of me. You have no idea what weakness is until you are put out flat by muscle weakness. It is brutal to say the least. At least now when I get weak I can still do things around here I just do them a lot slower than I use to.
Of course I can always increase my steroid use if this drug shortage continues but I surely do not even want to think of that option. We'll just leave it at that.
So for now I continue on, not feeling great this week, but moving forward none the less. Hoping and praying that my drug becomes available here in the next few weeks. If not? I'll be back here complaining to help make myself feel better. Until then, lets hope and pray!
Even when things are not so good God is still great! He gives you love and the love of people here on earth. What more do you need? Oh, besides drugs?
Dianne
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