I am sure all who are reading this know by now that I have had a very rough past few weeks. No secrets there as usual. I feel like I have made it over the hump of not being able to do anything at all to at least doing a few more things.
I am thankful, blessed, and to be truthful angry. The range of emotion right now is out of control. I didn't think this would ever come back but boy was I wrong. This anger is not like an anger that is directed at anyone. It is an anger that is eating me up inside. My brain is having a really hard time wrapping itself around the fact that I was doing okay and just like that I was back to where I was when I started a few years ago. I don't think the anger is so much directed at the illness because that is just life for me but it is directed at the fact that I have no control over this. The fact that I can go back to being that sick for no reason at all makes me want to just give up. It is so hard to keep a positive attitude when you are not able to do anything without feeling like you are going to pass out or fall because you are so weak. You lay around listening to your body and as you do that your muscles become unconditioned to the point of having to recondition them when you feel better. I am still getting weak when I do too much physical work but at least I am accomplishing something. Now if I could just get my mental status in line with the physical status I think I could be doing a little better.
So I began the process. I hate everything in the world. I fight it all. I get angry at everything and everyone. I start to dissect every aspect of my life. I am quitting facebook. I deleted friends, which wasn't a bad thing, I left groups, some with negative energy I just don't need. I need to focus on my well being instead of thinking I have to fix every one else for now. I can't anyways. It sounds so crazy as I write it but that is the anger part of it all. I haven't been here in a long time. I can't understand it all. I seriously, like I said before and a million times in the past few weeks, don't understand how it can come back like this after four years. Why?
I am mad at the pharmaceutical companies for taking medications away from people. Do they not understand when they do that they force people back into the depths of hell? How can they do that? They told me the drug I inject would be available last November, then the end of December, then the end of January, and now the end of February. I am mad, really mad at them right now. More anger = More stress = more symptoms, the circle never ends. Now I am being forced to make more decisions on what to do. Going on higher doses of steroids which are evil in themselves. Do I start new meds? Meds that are more dangerous than the ones I am on or do I keep allowing the drug company to make the choice for me? Will they give me my drug back this month only take it away from me again in the future? I just want to scream and cry almost like the person you see in the movies who screams out with the pain that comes from their core, falling to their knees, only I have no one to do that to. I can't let it all out to my family because the worst part about being ill is watching the people who love you suffer as much as you do if not more.
So my plan is to light a candle every day and just meditate on all the good in my life. My simple little good life. I am going to stay away from the thoughts of medicines, doctors, symptoms, the fact I can't work, and all the other negative things that bring me down and focus on the best parts of my life. I am going to focus on Dr. Glisson in his calming voice say to me, "this is just a little set back." I am going to remember the simpleness of it all. I am going to write all the good down. When a good thought comes its getting written down in my journal. If I have to write the same good things everyday for the next year then so be it, it is still good even if it is only my few good things. I have much to be thankful for when I look at the outside of this illness! So here is to NOT letting this stupid illness crap win! I am going to fight this with everything I have. I have to anyways it is my battle to win and no one else's. It is my hope that all of you reading this are able to do the same in what ever situation you may be facing in life!
God Bless!
Dianne
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