Thank you to my friend Beth for posting this. It sure does seem so easy to continually remember all the bad and to complain about everything when in reality we have nothing to complain about. I have been complaining a lot lately. I feel like I either need to or want to run away and lock myself in a room all by myself for a week. What a horrible thing to write but it is the truth. I am wore to the core from packing, painting, planning, and truthfully, thinking. I have had a pretty good few weeks and have been so thankful for them. I knew deep down it wouldn't last but I continued to tell myself daily how happy I was that I was doing somewhat better. Of course I had the usual I'm fifty aches and pains just as all of us do when we reach a certain age add to that the other issues of arthritis and the mix can be brutal. My mix was on the light side until last week when I started to swell more and along with the swelling comes more pain and not the pain of old age. The pain that hurts to the bone. My foot has been in overdrive and as the day goes on the pain is so excruciating it causes me to cry out in pain. One of my knees has been swollen and painful so I am trying to be more careful with that. My hip has been good but the past few days the pain has come back with a vengeance. Sleep was painful last night to some degree but much worse as morning came. Hip pain so bad it feels like a ice cold knife jabbing you. All of this coupled with a migraine from the neck pain I am experiencing make for a not so great morning. I finally rolled out of bed and took some excedrin migraine and drank my cup of coffee hoping to relieve this headache and pain. It isn't helping yet. I have to laugh because I saw someone had posted something on facebook that said something like this, how can you be on facebook if you have a migraine? Well, okay maybe I didn't laugh but got a little angry that someone who never had a migraine would have the guts to post that. What people don't understand is that when you are feeling like hell sometimes the best thing you can do is your regular routine. As for me I must, it is what gives me the hope that this pain, headache, or whatever the days brings on will pass. Yes, there are the days you are forced to sit or lay and not move, but some of the days you are able to do more normal stuff. Hope, that is what it is called when you have a migraine and you are on facebook. So, yes, I am on my blog and yes I do have a migraine and it hurts like hell, but I am here none the less. If I/we, the chronically ill, give into our physical symptoms we would never do anything and that is not an option. There is no feeling sorry for yourself because you can't, only I am going to do this or that in order to help you forget that you are suffering on any given day. I am sure that makes no sense to someone who is in perfect health and thinks that the chronically ill are just lazy and need to stop complaining and move more or whatever they might think. Sad part is I don't care what people have to say about being chronically ill. Like everything they have no idea what it is like until they experience it. Perfect example is me typing with swollen hands. It hurts but I'm doing it and it is the best thing for my hands. if I stop using them they will freeze in place and get worse so yes my hands hurt but they are still working so why not use them. I can hardly make a fist but I can type. Yay for me! You see, there is always the bad way to look at what happens to us but there is always so much more good that comes along with that bad. Yes, some days you have to look harder than others but it is there.
The few minute break I just took because my sweet pup Eva just ran up the steps and jumped on my lap to give some sweet kisses. The hot bath I am looking forward to in a few minutes here. Thinking about possibly getting some art out and painting something or sitting on the couch watching the Criminal Minds series I taped for days like this. It is all in finding the good in the bad. I had another friend Darla who commented to me last night about pain and depression. Can pain cause depression? Does depression cause pain? Of course I must answer yes to both of those questions. If you allow it they can both eat you alive. I fight both everyday although I still do not believe I am depressed. I am thankful for that. I know there are people who think there is no way you cannot be depressed with all you suffer from but for me I am fortunate. Yes, there are the days I want to run away but when I look at the whole picture and bring it all into perspective the happiness feeds my soul. I don't allow the bad to bring me down, on most days that is. If it is a bad day I make the best of it and I don't believe there is any other option. I know tomorrow will be better and if I am lucky tonight will be better! Its time for me to go I have a hot bath calling my name. Make it a great one!
God Bless!
Dianne
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