You Can't Take That

Today I started my day out bright and early, a four am kind of bright and early. No biggy I'm use to early hours with either my body waking me up in sheer pain or my puppies waking me up to eat or pee. It's funny how you sort of adjust to waking up early once it continually happens night after night. I'm one of the fortunate ones because I choose not to work so I can go lay back down at six or seven am if need be. This morning I had no choice in laying back down because I had an appointment for my yearly physical. Ugh right? I can't really say I feel that way anymore now that I have found the best doctor I have ever had. I am not lying on this one. You all might know how many doctors a chronically ill person has dealt with over the years and if not it is many, many, and many more. It seems when you first come to know something is drastically wrong with your body you will go to any doctor, specialist, or otherwise for an answer. It is grueling running from one doc to another, to say the least. Looking back on all the doctors I have been to I can recall appointments where I left crying because of the way I was treated and would call Rich hysterically so he could calm me down. Before I had blood work that indicated problems I was talked to in some of the cruelest ways imaginable, listed here in no certain order and many were said by more than one doctor. You are fine there is nothing wrong with you. Your pain is because you don't exercise enough. You need to eat a better diet. You need to talk to a therapist. You need to lose weight. I even had a sleep doctor tell me I needed to lose 100 pounds. Dare I go on? If I didn't need a therapist before a handful of these docs came into my life I sure needed one after I saw them. You have no idea how much pleasure it would bring me to walk into their offices with my diagnosis and shove it down their throats or better yet up their butts. Whoops my devil side emerges as I usually try to keep that side of me under wraps. I'm human after all believe it or not. 

Fast forward to today's appointment with Dr. Oostema.  When I got there the usual. Jump on the scale, height, blood pressure, etc. Results: weight up a little but no surprise. It's so much easier accepting I am plus size and will be forever instead of beating myself up about it. Height I shrunk another half inch. Blood pressure perfecto! In the past when I would see a doc and my bp was always high because I worried about how I was going to be treated now it's perfect which alone says a lot about Dr. Oostema. I always figure I'll get the weight speech because it happens so often but she has never done that to me. She is the kindest, sweetest, thorough, and most compassionate doctor I have ever been to. I am grateful for her care and not because she never talks weight but even if she did I would still love her. I feel blessed to finally be in the care of some top notch docs who listen to me and treat my issues and don't act like I am like every one else bacause autoimmune patients are very complex. 

Back to the real reason I started to write this blog post. When I began driving home my mind wandered to the past and all I have endure over the past twenty fives years of living with illness and I went to that dark place hashing over all that chronic illness has taken. My health, my energy, my faith in doctors and people (sadly), my sleep, my sanity at times, my joy at times, friends, ability to work, and the hundred other things that flashed through my mind in those few seconds. Then as fast as those thoughts came they were replaced with all my illness has given me. My ability to take time for myself and not feel bad about it, my hope in a cure even if it is my death, my wonderful team of doctors who all keep such a close eye on my health and who lift me up instead of tear me down, the love of my family and a few close friends, my ability to drive and shop even if it isn't an all day trip, my ability to see what really matters and what doesn't, my life is a good one despite all the obstacles I come across. I must say instead of leaving my doctor visits in tears these days I leave refreshed and renewed because they give me more hope than I already have by telling me I am doing a great job taking care of myself. Can I lose weight? Sure I can but can't everyone? Can I exercise more? Of course but I exercise some and that's what matters. No one on the planet can do everything perfectly but trying is what matters. Can I do better with sleep problems? Probably but I sleep the best my body will allow. Point is I do the best I can with what I have to work with. Haha. I thought about all illness has taken away but more importantly I appreciate all illness has given me and that is what I am going to continue to focus on! The ongoing HOPE!

God Bless!

Dianne