I haven't even started writing this post yet and the tears start to well up in my eyes. Secrets, we all have them. Some of us have good secrets and others of us have bad secrets, scary secrets, or whatever they may be to you, the point is we all have them to some degree. The worst part is having to face your secrets or having to confess your secrets to other people. It seems in this day and age people just don't have the time or the know how when dealing with someones dirty little secrets. What happens? We close up. We go into our own little shell and keep all of our secrets hidden behind our smiles.
Truthfully, I don't have many hidden secrets. I don't believe in holding back and if something is on my mind most people will know where I stand or don't stand. The secrets I do hold are not ones that won't hurt anyone or make someone feel bad, they are just my own and some need to just stay in my heart right where they belong.
Then, there is the dirty little secrets. The dirty little secrets of living with chronic illness. The dirty little secrets you never share with other people. The dirty little secrets that, if you did share them, most people would just turn away or change the subject as fast as possible so they don't need to deal with your issues. So you just put on the face, dying inside, while the dirty little secrets hide themselves deep in your core.
This past weekend I was alone for four days, four long, hard days. I had too much time to think and by the time Rich got home I was about out of my mind, literally. One of the worst dirty little secrets for me is that when Rich is not with me I am a mess. I can hardly function. I feel like I am losing it and no one is there to catch me when I fall or push me on when I don't think I can do this anymore. When he got home last night it was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I had that peace of knowing he was here to catch me when I fell. We talked for sometime about his weekend away, sat at the table and then it happened. I fell apart. There you go, another dirty little secret, we only fall apart with the ones whom we know care, love us deeply, will listen, and know how to pick us back up. As I sat there crying trying to explain all that I have explained to him over and over and over once again, he said something to me that has caused me to think today. He told me I need to open up to more people and not just him. I never do. Of course I had an answer for that but he told me I must start to trust my friends more. If they are friends they will support you and not run from my tears. I thought about that and it seems that as I look back I am the one who has ran from my friends never letting them in for fear of pity or fear of them leaving me, so it was easier to just leave them, easier on all of us. So for all these years I have put on the face and always made everything about them. I wonder if it is time I do open up? I will ponder on this as it is very hard for me to trust people and I have no idea why.
When I think of my dirty little secrets and laying them out for people to hear it scares me to death. In my head I think to myself who would want to hear my secret that I can't sleep well because I am up all night in pain? Who would want to hear my secret that I was just cutting up veggies and my wrist hurt so bad I had to stop for a while? Who wants to hear my secret I haven't dusted in a month because I just don't care if I have dust or not? Who cares if I try to clean my house and have to stop because I become so weak? Who cares if I have a fatigue that is unexplainable, when everyone else is tired too? Who wants to hear all my meaningless secrets while they are trying to make sense of their own lives? To me the answer is, no one. Plus, there are certain people, if I do tell my dirty little secrets to, all they will do is worry. Believe me that is the last thing I need is to know people are worrying, or pitying me, that in turn just makes me crazy the vicious cycle goes around and around. I pull back more when this happens. I have had the times that I have tried to open up and there are the people who will not even listen and go into their issues pushing mine aside like they are nothing. Really, people have no idea what so ever what it is like, so I just crawl back into my little shell of safety. It is just easier that way.
I have no idea how others handle their dirty little secrets of being chronically ill, I really don't. I wish I did. I wish I could get the answer. I have read book after book, article after article. Hell, I am an expert and know more about being chronically ill than most doctors do. Doctors are not trained to help you figure all this stupid crap out, they are there to help you feel better, not to help you accept this is what you get for the rest of your life. So for me the dirty little secret that drives me crazy the most is just that. This is it? Forever? I will never be who I was? It is like a dagger in my heart to even have to try to rationalize that thought. I know, "the new normal." Well, to tell you the truth I hate my "new normal" and I want my "old normal" back. I want to be able to go out, have a few drinks, get crazy, and wake up the next day as if nothing ever happened, but for me that isn't possible. If I do try to be my "old normal" I am sick for days. Another dirty little secret is that I want to scream, "IT ISN'T FAIR." I know life isn't fair on many levels, for many people, but this illness crap is for the birds, to say the least. I still cannot believe after living with this for so many years I am not at a good place with it yet. it makes absolutely no sense to me what so ever!
So, for now, I go on with all my dirty little secrets following behind me. If you see me out in public you will see nice hair, nice make up, half way decent cloths, but behind all of that, they are there, those dirty little secrets that no one knows about. The ones I listed here are just the tip of the iceberg. For now, I am glad I have Rich to listen to me and to calm me down and put everything into perspective. He has a way of doing that and I feel very blessed to have him. Another dirty little secret, I live in fear that one day he won't be here. I worry about what I will do without him. He is totally irreplaceable, I know that for a fact as I observe the "normal" world and realize our world is far from normal. Then i worry about him and how he handles all of this illness. it isn't easy for him either but he never lets me know that. I try not to think of it but when you are ill you have to have that one person you can count on for all the little things and I die inside worrying about him as much as he worries about me. The dirty little secrets are there, there for everyone, but we all must somehow find a way to deal with them. If someone does will you please let me know?
God Bless!
Dianne
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