Creativity

What side of the brain do you use more? I never really thought about this until I saw it a few years back. I never learned about two sides of the brain unless I was in a class sitting and not present. I never recall it anyways. When I use to see this posted on facebook I first thought seriously? This is how the brain works? That was about it I never thought deeply about it until about a year or so ago when it popped up again and again. the more I read it the more I began to see the pattern and wondered where I was in this so called puzzle of the brain. I tried to put the pieces together but my pieces never fit. I knew I was not a total left side of the brain in many ways but then as I looked I began to realize I love science, biology, and am a very realistic and logical person so some of the pieces fit. I could figure out where the people I loved were easily but myself it was a little deeper. When I read about the right side of the brain I knew that was much more of who I was. All the pieces fit perfectly but if this were true how come I never tapped into that side of my brain that was who I am? What a question and what a struggle for me the past few years. The more I would see this Left vs Right example it would almost haunt me. I began to question myself and why I never used my creative side more. I am in my fifty-ith year and I have let so much passion and creativity pass by. What was use of tapping into it now? I decided it was time I used some of that creativity to express myself. I started to paint with some encouragement from a special friend of mine who has inspired me in so many ways throughout the my life. Carol has painted as she puts it, for her release. I never really thought about what my release was until she would talk or write of things. I decided after years of raising kids and taking care of the whole world it was time for me to find my release. What was it? I had no idea so I decided to go to Hobby Lobby and buy some supplies and try to paint something. I don't recall what I started with, but I think it was the abstract I did on a very large canvas, questioning myself the whole time. By the time I was done I thought to myself, as we always do, third grade work, but I liked it and hung it up. I would look at it and think I should have done this different or I should have painted that a different color. It was funny because what I thought was not so great everyone who came over always noticed that picture and wanted to know where I got it. If that wasn't a kick in teeth, slap upside the head, I  don't know what was. Hearing encouragement from others, something I never really got, convinced me to move onto more paintings. I have since accomplished what I call now forth-fifth grade art. Yes, I have graduated a few grades up but also learned a very important lesson in the process. I have begun to learn I really am creative. I always have been. I know I am creative in ways I can't write, but to put it down on paper and make a piece of art that expresses your creativity gives you more than the passion that comes out of your mouth or the passion you use with your body. Now my passion is there out for the whole world to see and not just a select few if you know what I mean.

My blog has since become one of my passions. Another place I can come and unload when I am carrying any heavy burden, whether it is related to illness or otherwise. I can pour out my heart and soul and have no real attachment to it. I own it, yes it is mine, but to have to sit and try to talk about all the stuff that no one really wants to listen to is so much easier to write it without all those blank stares of disbelief as to what just came out of my mouth. I say it like it is and for some people it is too much so it is easier for me to come here and write it. Ahhh, back to my passion, music, art, and using that right side of my brain. I can say the painting is the best part of being able to do art on paper or that writing is one of my favorite parts of using my right side. It could be that I love to sing and have been know to belt out a song that pops into my head that makes me run to the computer saying, "I have to find out what this song is. I have the one line from it but I know it." Then, not leaving the computer until I find it and playing it telling Rich, "Ha I knew I could find it, it was this song," and playing it for him as he rolls his eyes. It is funny because Rich is a total lefty and we are polar opposites. I always ask him how in the world we got together being such opposites. Of course he says, "God knew we needed each other." My answer is, "Yes, he did because it is a good thing I am not with a crazy spur of the moment nutty person because we would get into a lot of trouble. I'm the one who still wants to go parking while he says we can't because we will get arrested. Cracks me up! I'm pretty sure we wouldn't get arrested at fifty, after being married almost thirty years, for parking. Seriously? But whatever.

I know the most important lesson I have learned of all in being a righty and listening to my brain. I must do something creative everyday even if it is cutting up a piece of paper. I must paint, or glue, or whatever. It keeps me in balance. I have only learned this over the past few months that this creativity is what keeps me grounded and if I don't get the fix I pay. I haven't done much art the past few days and I can tell. I don't sleep as well, I worry about stuff I shouldn't, and I am out of that balance. I am beginning to realize who I am. I never had much encouragement in my life when it comes to my creativity so when I hear a push or a shove from a friend or family member it gives me a reason to move onto that next project to keep my brain, heart, and soul happy and balanced. I'm not sure if that makes sense to most people but now after a long time meditating on it, it makes sense to me. I hope if you have creative juices that are flowing you listen to them and do something with them. Don't wait and let it pass you by like I did. Tap into your inner self and find what you love, what gives you that peace and understanding of yourself. The part that has nothing to do with anyone else but yourself!

God Bless!

Dianne

Purpose

 

I read this not only today but many times before. It use to make me wonder what my purpose in life really was but then I grew older and realized and wondered why do we beat ourselves up over our purpose? Isn't our purpose to love one another and be there when people need us? I can't really figure out any other purpose, at least for myself. If a job was my purpose then I am in trouble. If going out and partying with friends is my purpose that was lost many years ago. If my children were my purpose they grew up and left. If being ill were my purpose then I might have to wonder if, yes indeed, that is my purpose? Being chronically ill has taught me a lot but I sure don't believe that being ill has any purpose to it. Then again the more I have thought about being ill and the more I have tried to figure it out I have found maybe it is my key purpose now, at this time in my life, to use it  in order to help others. I don't know. I think when you read things like this  quote they make you beat yourself up for no good reason. If we are aware of what we do daily and try to do good and leave good wherever we go then what other purpose could we have?

I know many people who would pounce on this in a minute saying we are her to save people. Save people? Me? That kind of makes me crazy when I read or hear this. I am not one to preach to people. Yes, I have a strong faith in God but is it my purpose to condemn those who don't? I don't believe so. I'm sure many could argue this but my point is we are here to love, not knock people down, we all get enough of that from what we tell ourselves and many times from what the world tells us. I know of people who condemn others and I also know people do not want to be in the area of those people.
We tend to surround ourselves with people who show love and compassion and not with the people who judge and question us. If you love from the deepest part of your heart and soul people will want what you have. If they ask you tell them. Just as learning to do something, you must watch, to learn and what better way to live then by example? The example of Christ loving everyone. I struggle with this, not as much as I use to but still do. Jesus was with the lowest of the low all of the time. Loving them. I wonder why we hang with the people who are like us. The believers. Is it safe for us? The poor scare us? The homeless scare us? I think there is a lot of talk that goes on but when the medal hits the floor what are we really doing? Doing for our faith, for our beliefs? Are we preaching and condemning or loving and accepting? This world is ever changing and the things I witness of people arguing about and condemning concern me. Aren't we all God's children? We all think different so therefore we aren't always going to agree so what do we do? We hang with the people who are like us. It seems like that doesn't accomplish much in our purpose of life. Odd.

I know I haven't solved much here but whatever, I'm not here to solve anything. I'm not here to judge. I'm here to love. I can't give out much anymore but I can give out a little. I hope this entry may help someone to realize you are a good person, even if people are telling you that your not. Reach for your soul and be the person you are. Don't pretend to be something your not. If you are one of the few who know what your purpose is, use it. If not, continue to do good and don't worry so much about a purpose. The best purpose of all is to do good and love others. It's been in you the whole time!

God Bless!

Dianne

The Waiting Game

 
The past few months we have been going back and forth trying to figure out where our new lot lines start and end on a property we purchased to build our small retirement home on. It has always been our dream to buy more land to hunt, build, and play on. We both love the outdoors and that is why we ended up here in the first place. It had land and was on a quiet dirt road, at least for the first year when stuff started changing and the road was paved. There went our dream of quiet and nature right out the window. It was to late to move once again and we had just finished building and working our butts off building our house to sell and move again. We did put it up for sale once many years back only to chicken out. We wanted to move closer to the kids schools when they were involved in more stuff and I was driving back and forth sometimes four times a day. It may not seem like much but we were fifteen minutes away from the school and we thought it would be better for the kids to be closer to their friends. The more we thought about it and tried to find a house the more frustrated we became so we decided to stay here. Our new dream became, "when the kids leave," well they are all gone now for about four years and Rich finally decided he was ready. I was ready way before that but he is so attached to the land aspect of our current home. Being able to walk outside your back door and feel like you are in the middle of a little piece of heaven made it hard on him. He has known we needed to move for a long time because of me as we live in the house of stairs on a hill and it is just getting to be too much for me. I hate to write that and I hate to have to believe it really is true but it is. Plus the yard is huge and a lot of work for a man who works sixty to seventy hours a week. It's time!

A few months back the seriousness hit us that we need to get out of here. We decided that if we could find some land, a larger chunk, we would do it. We had been looking for at least six months or so when Rich called one of the realtors he dealt with at work and she said I know of twenty acres that is available but not on the market yet. She gave us the crossroads to the property and I'm not going to lie, the first time we saw it both of our hearts started pumping fast with excitement. We would look at each other and with that look in our eyes like, this is too good to be true. Perfect to say the least twenty acres on a corner lot what more could we ask for? We went back many times and walked and figured out where we could put a house. our hunting blinds, and where we could take the kids back there to play. Our excitement built even more. We finally decided to make an offer and after little negotiations they accepted and we signed on the land of our new home and our long awaited dream. Our home is for sale now and we wait, wait for the right buyer. It is really hard waiting now because we now have even more plans in place for our dream but like I told Rich there is a reason we haven't sold yet. It's all in the plan. God knows when the right time will be, his time and not ours.

Yesterday we went back out to the land for the inth time. Our goal was to meet the neighbors to let them know why we were always poking around out there. We had two specific neighbors on opposite ends of the land to meet. Yes, we have two neighbors and they are at a long distance, just the way we wanted it. We met the first neighbors and they were very nice and happy that there was a house going on the property and not a farmer with cropsor such. They were just like us. I told her we are not here to bother our neighbors but if you ever have an emergency come over, she was happy and agreed. The guys told Rich some of his grass was on our property and Rich told him we don't care we just wanted to meet them.
We moved onto the other side of the property and that is when it struck me/us we are in the right spot. The man was working but his wife was home. Rich talked to her and I met her after a few minutes. She was talking about the surrounding area and other neighbors down the road but told us they were loaners and rednecks. My Aunt lives out back in a trailer doesn't that show you we are rednecks? We all laughed. I told her the same thing I told the other neighbor we are loaners but if you have an emergency we are right here, she said same here. Then she said she thought their driveway was on our land and we told her so what we don't care we just wanted to meet you. I asked her about her pond and how they kept it looking so clean. She said they used the huge loader that was sitting out back, over there, to keep the cattails out of it, then her next breath was amazing. "When you start building and need to knock some trees down you can use the loader just come over and get it." Wow! That is how you know you are in the country, people offer you to use their equipment that is worth thousands of dollars without a blink of an eye. My kind of people. Reminds me of our neighbor who we live across the street from now who helped us so much over the years.
When we left we knew this was the right place. It fell into place so perfectly and now we met our neighbors that has made it even all the better.

Now we wait. Wait for the house to sell. While we wait we are using the time to get some house plans together. Possibly put a driveway in so when we go out there we have a place to park instead of parking on the road. We are ready to sell but we are also enjoying the ride. A ride that will have many twists and turns I am sure of it but a good ride none the less. I always laugh when people say you are going to kill one another building a house, nah, we did it before and hardly argued about anything, really. As long as Rich lets me do what I want it will all work out. Hahaha! Just kidding. I think we are so excited there would be no way we could get mad at one another. We have waited for this dream for years and now it is here. We will make the best of it. Like they say, "Never stop dreaming!"

God Bless!

Dianne

What Has All This Taught Me?

What has chronic illness taught me? I think I wrote a blog about this when I first started writing or many times after, not sure but pretty sure I did. I never go back and read my blog because I figure it is here to help others and it only helps me when I am writing. Plus, what is the sense of going back and reading when I was so sick since t will only upset me to the point of unbelief that this really is me writing. It is easier to write new blogs than to go back in time. I believe we must always have our eye on now, today, the moment we are in. I don't know about you but if I look to far ahead it gets overwhelming and I feel overloaded. Today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow, next week is next week. They aren't going anywhere so why worry about them?
After having a very rough week last week and doing more of that soul searching when  I was down I tried to keep it in the positive as to what all of this hell has taught me. Hummm, it took a lot of self discipline to only think of the positive but I did it, most of the week, while other times tears rolling down my face wondering if this is ever going to get better so maybe I didn't. When you feel good you mind makes the bad much better than it was. Coping mechanism I'm sure.

I had a great day yesterday. I did way too much but that is what we chronics do when we feel good. All the stuff that piled up and drove us crazy last week when we were unable to do them needed to get done. I cleaned the house, did all the laundry, etc, which in turn made my foot swell up and caused me a terrible night of sleep because of the intense stabbing pain. I made it through the night but was woke up a lot from the pain so instead of getting all worked up I thought to myself once again, what has chronic illness taught me. I would think, fall back asleep, and be awoken by pain, only to start the thought process all over again. I wish I could remember what I thought of because there were some good ones. We do our best thinking in the middle of the night too bad it stays there when we wake up.

Lets me see. What has chronic illness taught me:

-First and foremost? It has taught me to laugh at myself. I'm sure this sounds pretty odd but you do a lot of bumping into walls, tripping, and being so bruised you look like a paint by number. There are too many things to write but you get the picture, you must laugh to keep from going insane!
-Who cares and who doesn't. I'm not talking about the how are you's when you see someone but the people you know who would come running if you called them right now. I know my core. On the flip side it has taught me who I need and who I want in my life opposed to the energy sucking pigs and energy people stealing our energy to help them solve their problems.
-I learned I am artistic to some degree. I never would have started painting if I was living in the normal world. I started a painting yesterday and it brought so much joy to my soul. I thought to myself, why don't you do this everyday? It was the best therapy ever.
-Doctors are not always perfect. This one took me a long time to understand. I just want a cure but they don't have an answer to everything. I learned this best when my Rheumatologist nurse told me doctors are people too. I guess I never thought about that. There are some issues I deal with that have no answer and I am getting better at accepting that now. It has taken a very long time because when you are ill and you know you are ill you want to be fixed and sometimes it just doesn't happen.
-This one is horrible to write but it is true. Being ill taught me I really am lazy. Lazy in the sense that it is so hard to exercise or force myself to go to the mall or do anything that's going to suck my energy dry. I might feel really good and do some of those things only to pay for three or more days. As I write this I wonder if it is lazy or just a way of life now. I am still pondering this one so I'm not sure I have learned a lesson out of this yet. I do know it frustrates me to no end.
-I have learned sleep is my best friend. I know our society is proud when they only sleep five hours a night but I am good with ten to twelve thank you very much. I'm in no way ashamed to admit it either.
-One of the most important things I have learned or taught myself is: IT IS WHAT IT IS. If you can get to this milestone in your way of thinking it makes everything so much easier. IT IS WHAT IT IS, keep telling yourself this. You can't change it. It is what you have been given just as everyone has what they have been given. You must deal with it the best you can by either being bitter and angry or by telling yourself I am going to make it through this day happy and joyful. I know it isn't easy. I know it is a constant battle. Being aware all the time of your attitude helps on most days. Is it lifting you up or dragging you down. Notice the difference in how you feel while you are in those moments. Take deep breaths and let them out slowly you won't believe how much that takes off your mind. In with the good out with the bad.
I know I could go on and on and I know you have your own list that may look totally different than mine.

Last but not least and the best of all, I have learned who I am. I'm pretty sure if I was still busy all the time I never would have done the soul searching I needed to do. I have a peace now I never had before. It isn't a world peace or a peace with all that goes on in this crazy world but a peace deep within my soul. The older I get the wiser I get and realize what really matters. I know we all pretty know what matters to us and what doesn't but this goes much deeper than that. Of course on my bad days I feel like I flip back to the searching all over again but when I start to regain strength and the pain and fatigue go away I revert back to what I knew before the bad hit. So you see, chronic illness really is a blessing in the end its just getting to the place of knowing and believing it.

God Bless!

Dianne

Just When I Think I Can't Take Much More I Realize I Can

This made me laugh today. When I first read it I laughed because of the obvious reasons like how we all love to complain but don't care to much when people try to make everything better with their own point of view or their words.
I thought about it the way I would think about it which is totally different than the rest of the world, in terms of being chronically ill. Over the past week I had a lot of time to hash over the chronically ill issue which is something I really hate to take time out to do. But when you are so sick that you can hardly think straight you have nothing but time to think as you try your hardest to just make it through the day. It is the weeks like that when all I feel like I do is complain, whine, and rant. Rich always telling me it will get better but in my head, even though I know it will, I still wonder if it will. I don't want to hear, it will get better when I am suffering I just want to bitch. I want someone to listen and understand. I know it is hard on the people who love me to see me like that. I hate myself when I am in that frame of mind so I wonder how in the world they even want to be in the same room as me. I don't know if it is feeling sorry for myself or just being disgusted with myself or just being sick of being sick. It always gets better and this past week was no different. I feel so much better since Saturday, to some degree, at least to a point where I like myself again. It is so hard to like anything when all you want to do is die. I know it sounds crazy but it is what it is. You are so fatigued you can hardly do anything at all. I even had two days where I didn't do my hair or make up and when that happens you know I'm not feeling well at all. The strangest part for me, and I wonder if it is true for my fellow chronics, is that I feel like two separate people. When I am sick I feel like a person I hardly know. I lay around in disbelief that I am the same person I am when I am well. When I am well I can hardly believe and sometimes I can't even remember who the person is when I am sick or what it feels like to be that sick. Funny how the brain has a way of shutting it all off. It is like two totally different people. When I am sick I hate everything. I blame anything or anyone for getting in my way. I pick apart everything, every little thing anyone says or does. Everything is stupid or drives me crazy. When I am well everything is good. People don't bother me as much, I am much more nice and much less argumentative. There is a movie that I can't remember the name of but it has a part where one of the characters says something to the affect, I don't even know who that person is anymore, talking about themselves. I have no idea why I remember that line but I sure do identify with it. I have no idea who I am anymore. I forgot in all the madness of the illness. I want to get a job but who's going to hire a migraine, ibs, fatigued, arthritis, wore out fifty year old? Oh and I can only work a few hours on most days because that is all the energy get on most days. I could go on about all the crap that I drag along everyday but I won't bore you with the gorey details. I'm pretty sure no one wants to hire it though.

Funny how illness controls every aspect of your life and no one really gets it. Feels like most people would never understand by looking at me but many days I am dying inside. I cry when I think too deep about all I have lost because of my body. Then, I read a cartoon like the above and realize how ridiculous all of this sounds, the ranting, for what? Who wants to listen to that crap? I'm sure that is why I laughed so hard when I read it because it struck a nerve. Stop ranting. You had a bad week last week, so what. Get over it and deal! Other people have their own set of things to rant about many of which are not related to illness and much worse than what I deal with. We all have our stuff, we all rant, but after our ranting hopefully we are able to come to our own conclusions on the facts and the reason, because in the end we are the only ones who know what facts and reasons are right for us!

God Bless!

Dianne

I Can't Keep My Mouth Shut

Outraged. Sickened. Pissed. Angry. Need I go on? Who in the world would I be talking about in such a hard bitter angry manner? Well, since you asked, The Wonderful Media. I have had it up to my eyeballs with the media blowing things way out of proportion and basically trying to wreck lives. Paula Deen is a perfect example. I am sickened beyond words at the unacceptable way they have torn and picked at Paula. I am not a news person and I try to stay away at all costs but this story got me and I had to follow some of it and only because I was outraged. I watch Matt, ding dong, on the Today show and he makes me want to barf. He is such a rude egotistical jerk. I have never understood why everyone likes him. He speaks to people in a belittling manner that is unacceptable. I am not just talking about Paula either. I have watched him in the past attack people and almost leave them speechless. These types of reporters are the ones who need to be put in their place and who need a wake up call to realize we are all people. We all make mistakes now and then and we all need to be forgiven. I am sure if we dug far enough into Matt's past we could find some dirt but what would be the point? Seriously. I can imagine if we dug into everyone's past their would be dirt. We have ALL done or said something that we shouldn't have. Why? Because we are human. I have about two or three handfuls of stories about when I grew up on the streets of Grand Rapids. All the times my life was threatened and I was called a certain name I shouldn't have been called. Am I ready to plaster those names over the radio and television waves? NO! I remember them, I remember every incident but I have forgiven and it is in the past. My stories might even blow your mind and sometimes I wonder how I survived but I did. I grew and I grew up, unlike our media who all act like a bunch of children need to grow up. I am so sick and tired of this mixed up world thinking they can treat human beings like they are pieces of trash. Reporting about someone being fat or ugly or why would they wear that do this say that, etc? What have we come to? What happened to the days of neighbor helping neighbor instead of picking them apart about what they have or what they look like? I'm confused. I wonder if anyone ever thinks about the reason why we are here. Are we here to love or are we here to hate because to me the hate is showing through much more than the love lately. It seems to get worse and worse as each year passes. I wonder sometimes if I can take much more of this but then what other choice is there?

So, in the end here is the point of this blog: HEY, MEDIA: SHUT THE HELL UP, WOULD YOU?
The end.

I can't even end this with God Bless so it is just Dianne for today.

Out of Balance

I don't know why but lately I have been feeling so out of balance. It is hard to explain to the busy world what out of balance means, some people get it but many don't. One of the problems is I am so fatigued I cannot think straight. I have been sleeping but adding being busy on top of my usual life wears on my soul just as much as it does on my body. Ahhh, my body, add that to the mix and the physical/mental foundation crumbles rather quickly. I have written many times about my foot problems. It is always a problem I am dealing with but when I am on my feet a lot it swells up even more than when I'm living my usual life. The pain takes over and it is exhausting. BUT, thankfully the foot doctor tells me nothing is wrong so I will have deal with this 'for the rest of my life???' Cool! Thanks Doc! Then there is the ovarian cyst that is bothering me again. The past few weeks it has reared its ugly head, not as bad as last time, but the pain is there. I now have figured out the pain that I have had in my hip area for the past 3-4 or more years, lost count somewhere on how many years, is not my hip at all it is this cyst crap. BUT, thankfully it is no big deal according to my docs so buck it up and live with it. I'm so glad I have such good care from people who have no idea what it is like to live with all of this. These two issues are on top of all the other daily pain BUT oh well, I'm fine. Truthfully I am hopeful to see my Rheumetologist in a month so I can hear what she has to say. She always has the answers and if she tells me I'm fine then I will carve it in stone and go on from there.
What next?

A month ago I joined the yoga class by my home hopeful and excited. It is totally different than the one I was attending elsewhere. The first week I was sore, my neck was very painful, but I kept telling myself it will get better. I have been back three more times since and my neck is no better. I'm not quitting. I am going to hold onto the hope that eventually it will get better but I feel, for me, this class is way to intense and when my pass runs out I may need to find a different class to join. I'm not sure what but I need something. It is not easy for me to motivate myself when I am at home alone. I would much rather putz around and accomplish nothing then go on the treadmill or do a video. My goal this week is to at least do some yoga here. With my cyst any movement hurts so I am afraid if I go to class I am really going to be hurting. It is a circle of hell that never ends. This is why I feel so out of balance. When my body isn't doing ok, whatever ok is, I am out of whack on so many different levels. I feel horrible about myself, which in turn makes me feel depressed and the list goes on and on. I know this isn't good for me on any level at all. I must work on pulling myself out of the big black hole. It isn't easy. Other issues that weigh heavy on me are also dragging me down. I hate being out of balance since I am usually so on top of things. I do know, it will get better. I have been here before. I have pulled myself out of the black hole and made it back into the light. It will come the hard part is getting there.

Right now as I write I made the decision to go get my workout cloths on and pop in that yoga video. It maybe the yoga video for people over ninety but hey the most important thing is that I am doing it. I have to learn to give myself kudo's for the little achievements I make, starting today! Self talk. Positive talk. Yoga. Meditation which I am horrible at but learning. Relaxing and knowing it is all okay. The more I realize that and give myself the positive talk the more in balance I become. Here's goes nothing...

God Bless!

Dianne