I made it through my doctor's appointment the other day and I am doing much better. You all know the past few months have been rough, brutal to say the least, but I think I can see the light shining at the end of this tunnel. I sure do hope I am seeing it and it is not just some crazy joke being played on me with the devil or someone who doesn't like me laughing at me there at the end.
It is funny how this chronic illness has such a way of making you feel like you are crazy or at least going crazy. All those stupid little voices telling you the negatives, never telling you the positives. The voices that tell you, you are not strong enough for this or that you are never going to get better. The worst part for me when I am that sick is the thought that this is what I am going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. The rest of my life? Are you kidding me? The thoughts when you are sick can drag you even deeper into the valley of hell. Before I saw Dr. Key I was really down in the dumps. The voices were telling me, "You can't do this for the rest of your life. You can't do this, you can't do this." I could hear the laughing an snickering behind the voice and the worst part was that I was beginning to believe the voices. Seriously, I was hearing so many negative thoughts I thought I really was losing it. Losing affects every part of your life. You start to be unhappy and it is hard to lift yourself up. I tried as hard as I could. I kept very busy doing things but my mind and the voices were always there. Even when I was very busy I could still hear them. I tried not to but when you feel that ill you can't help it. Just as you think the voices are leaving you get slapped with a physical symptom that make those voices even louder. It is a vicious cycle.
Fortunately I have a wonderful Rheumatologist. I fret before every appointment and after every appointment I always wonder why I was so worked up about going. Dr Key assured me all my symptoms were because of the drop in the methotrexate medication which is in short supply right now. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I left her. Something happened as soon as we left the office. I got in the car and I said to Rich, "I feel so much better now." He agreed that he felt better to. It all came into perspective as we drove off on our quest to find my medications.
As the evening progressed on I felt a new rush of energy, not physically, but mentally. I came back to my usual self. The "I can do this" mentality came back. Dr Key brought back my self confidence and wiped out the negative voices that were trying to get me to believe I was weak. I'm not, not at all. I have done this for this long and I can do it as long as I need to. If it is one more day or five more years, I WILL DO IT!! So today my post is dedicated to my awesome Rheumetologist who is more than just a doctor but someone who understands and knows how to treat and talk to her patients in a way that most doctors do not understand. She puts the confidence back in you when you think you have lost it. I owe her so much and I am blessed to have found her. Thank you Dr. Key but most of all thank you to myself, sometimes you just need to hear some reassurance from a professional who puts the spark back in you and forces you to go on and fight towards the light!
God Bless!
Dianne
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