Oh boy here we go again. I feel like I have finally reached a little bit higher towards the light at the end of my valley. I can see much more brightness as each day passes. I am officially out of the pit, the uphill swing is probably at its peak and I am ecstatic to say the least.
It is so hard when you feel better to believe that you actually wanted to die. Die not only from the pain, weakness, and loneliness but mostly from the thought that you would never see that light shine again. I have said it before I and I will continue to say it. It is not the loneliness of being alone but the loneliness of illness. You try to explain it to others but there is no way to explain it. Words come out of your mouth and the response you get back is not at all the point you were trying to get a across. It is hard to be ill in a healthy world.
As I feel better, right there in the back of my mind, it is always there. When is it going to return? You can't help it. The voice is always there. When you are alone. When you are feeling your absolute best you hear it. A quiet whisper at best and a screaming holler at worst. Like nails on a chalk board. You try to hide from it but it is impossible. You learn to cherish the good days, do as much as you can, and wait. Hoping and praying tomorrow isn't the day. Thanking God for the good day you had today!
I know how the people who love and care about me feel. I really do. I do not need to be told that I touch their lives in so many ways. I don't need answers because to me there are no answers here on earth. Do you want to know what I need and what other chronically ill people need? We need someone to just understand and not try to make us feel better by talking to us. When we are in the pit that is the last thing we need. We need understanding, period.
It would be my hope that through these words, although few, the next time someone cries out to you, cries for you to listen, just listen. Don't try to fix them or their problem. Illness or no illness. Just love them. Sometimes that means no words at all and just a hug. Or maybe a few encouraging words like, I cannot even imagine what you are going through. Or just say, I am sorry. Very few words that speak volumes to the person sharing their most inner thoughts with you. Then maybe, just maybe, when you need someone to be there for you and listen to you the same respect and honor will be given to you. That's all.
God Bless!
Dianne
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