I am so wore out. I am tired. I am sick of this. I wonder about living like this for the rest of my life. Last night I was sitting in the chair with the television blaring in the background and I was thinking about life and about death. I thought to myself I am almost fifty and I could have to live many more years with this illness. Then I began to break it down in size. I thought about the average life span, seventy/eighty, and my brain had a hard time wrapping itself around that. If I live until seventy that means twenty more years of this so I left that thought and allowed my brain to shorten the gap. I brought it down to ten years, living until I was sixty. It seemed like that would make it a little more doable but if you want to know the truth it didn't. It scared the hell out of me. I did not have such a good week or weekend for that matter and when I am not doing well the thoughts of living can be hard, no I am not suicidal so relax. It is just that the thought of this going on and on is exhausting to the core. My frame of mind becomes weak and I become negative and down, something I do not believe in nor do I do very often. I am a total mind over matter person but It seems ever since I have stopped the xanax and my sleep is terribly interrupted I am a mess. The new drug the doctor put me on is dragging my down even more and is not helping me much so I am going to try to find another avenue to help me sleep. I would rather not sleep then feel like a zombie all day. I wonder how much doctors really know about treating patients and tayloring a plan to each persons specific needs. I feel they lump us all into one big group and think what works for one works for all. It isn't so.
I have also been on edge the past few weeks with the election coming up. I have been watching the news more and trying to educate myself on all the issues. I use to be a huge political junkie before I was really ill but after the illness I decided to cut out all politics and just not listen to any of it because it causes way to much stress. Stress and illness do not mix. Since I began listening to it once again I have become much more angry, bitter, and just plain pissed off. I know this is affecting this attitude change I am experiencing with life and people. Today I woke up and decided I am going back to the way I was a month or so ago, no more news! It's like watching a three ring circus anyways so why do I do it? Round and round with no end in sight to anything just people arguing and never changing anything. It pisses me off to no end. This is how I know I need to back away from it all. My eating habits have been horrible. I gained a few to many pounds back and I am so disgusted with myself I could scream. Today I am going to try harder and stick to better eating for more that two days. I think the election stress has added the pounds on. I have to blame it on something other than my own stupidity.
I am in a lull, more than ever before in my life, trying to find a purpose. I have none right now. No job to go to. Yes, I can go help Rich anytime I want but the way my body has been behaving lately it is hard to get out of bed. If I was reading this and someone else was writing it I would assume they were depressed. I don't think I am depressed at all, I am just lost. I feel like I am still trying to figure out how to live with illness as the rest of the world moves on and really doesn't care, not that I expect them to anyways. I have come to the conclusion that this new drug that is for depression that I am taking to sleep is actually causing me to think and feel like a depressed person. I don't need this drug it is blocking my happy hormones and I sure do not need or want that so tonight back to no drugs. It still pisses me off that I was doing okay on the xanax and they rip it away. I am angry with that and when I go to my physical next month I am voicing that to my new doc. I don't need anymore to deal with thank you very much. Can you feel my crabbiness here? I feel like a raging bull who just wants to run through the streets and ram everything in sight. See, this is not me at all.
I feel I need a break. I am once again thinking of getting off facebook. I waste too much time on it, but then I think about it I really don't, but I think if I delete it I can focus on me and my health more. You see, the worst part about facebook for me is reading all the bad stuff. All the negative, sad, etc stuff. Being a extremely compassionate and empathetic person it is hard for me to read what people write because I am able to take it on as my own. I believe this sucks the life and energy out of me too. I need to work on being like most of the world and try to teach myself to not care so much or not feel so bad about everything I read. I leave facebook and what I read stays with me when I am away, pounding on my brain. The pain I feel for others sucks the energy out of me so I am unable to do and focus on the things that I need to be focusing on. I am sure that makes no sense to others but to me it makes perfect sense, especially since I have been thinking about this all weekend.I need a break and time to focus on me for once, something I have never really done.
Today I will try to move on. I will drink a lot of water to get this crap drug out of my system. I will focus on the good in my life. I will not get angry about the election. I will eat better and not go to the carbs for comfort. I will move my body more. I will keep my mind on the good in my life instead of always trying to fix everyone's problems. If I get down and begin to think to much I will picture Hunter and Addi in my mind and go to that happy place where they are running to me with those smiling faces yelling NANA. No more negative thoughts or energy. No more letting the crap suck the life out of me. I am sure once this evil drug is out of me I will be good as new. This along with changing the eating habits, drinking more water, and moving more should do the trick and maybe, just maybe I will be able to look at twenty to thirty more years here and think, that is doable.
God Bless!
Dianne
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