I was sitting here sipping my cup of coffee and wondering how in the world and what in the world I have done different this week as I feel like a somewhat person. Oh don't worry, I'm not. The drugs and pain are still there but at ease somewhat. I woke up on Tuesday or Wednesday, I can't remember what day, but I felt like the switch had turned once again. What is the switch? It is the switch that controls my life and many others who live with chronic illness. The one that decides if I will be so weak, tired, in pain, etc. It is also the switch that will decide if I will feel okay to be able to do even just a little bit more than I am able to do when I am down. I have grown to both love and hate the switch. On weeks like this I love it. I wish the switch had turned itself on last week when we were out of town but you learn to take what you get and enjoy whatever you are given each day. Good switch, bad switch you deal with it in one way or another.
The worst part about the switch is the mind games it plays with your head. When my switch is turned on, so to say, I feel like I am in a field of wild flowers running with my head up in the clouds taking in the smell of the goodness and fresh air. I love days like that/this to say the least. On the days the switch has turned to the bad side I feel more like a pig stuck in the mud trying to pull myself out and unable to move. It is the bitter part of the game. If you let it, the switch could make you a lunatic. You learn to be strong. You have to. You must control the mind games the switch plays on your head. If you don't it really will eat you alive if you let it. You can't let it so you learn to fight it. You have to take the good days and run through those fields of wildflowers and do more of the things you love and be happy you can do them without taking any of it for granted. The bad days are a different story but you live through them pushing on to and remembering the good days or weeks like this and dream of getting back to them. Then there is the thoughts that if I am good maybe this time I will stay in the good forever and I am cured. It hasn't happened yet but I dream of it every time I feel this well. You must never give up that hope!
Once again I sit here the past few days daydreaming or more dissecting what in the world did I do different to be feeling better? Yes, I ate more healthy this week so is that it? But then again last night I ate two brownies so why am I still good today? I am almost off the xanax, very close to being totally weaned off. Is that the reason? For the past three and a half years has that been the reason? I started the yoga class and have been having better posture which in turn has helped my neck to some degree this week, is that it? Do you see what I mean about how you can drive yourself into bonkersville trying to figure it all out? Oh well whatever it is I am going to enjoy it because I never know in a few hours from now the switch could flip and bite me in the ass.
With all of this goodness I am experiencing this week I still wait with a slight caution wondering and waitng. It never goes away cause I know how the switch operates. I know when I am this good I have to be very careful. If I over do it, wham the switch can turn. I still have to respect the illness as my commander and chief. The ruler of all things good and bad. It is a sad and hard thing to have to always be mindful of but it has also taught me how to be ever grateful for the good days when I am able to forget about the switch even if it is for only a few hours or minutes.
God Bless!
Dianne
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