Here I am again. Can you guess why? Never in a million years did I think going off these wicked drugs would bring me down so deep I feel like a prisoner in my own body. I thought when I decreased the drugs it would be like magic and I would feel better. I thought the fatigue and lack of any energy would disappear and I would be fine. Wrong. It is worse. This week I have stayed home everyday and tried to get myself moving with no avail. So I did what any person in detox would do, I rested. My pain, swelling, and stiffness have increased significantly but I am hoping the longer I am med free and if I continue to be wise on the food choices I make that I soon start to feel better. I tell myself seven years of drugs in my system and a few weeks off isn't going to cure what ever the I want it to cure. My sleep has been greatly disrupted by pain as I flip and flop more than I ever had before. Getting out of bed is torture. Typing this hurts my hands. I want my coffee but I am being vigilant about not putting inflammatory drinks or food into my body. I know coffee may not be bad for inflammation but the sugar and powder cream are. I instead start my day with tea. I have many varieties to choose from and to sweeten it up I am using honey. I am forcing more water down the hatch in hopes that is cleans my system out faster. Plans tonight are to go to a few stores with Rich and out to eat. I'm pretty sure the dinner will not be perfect but I will keep doing what I am doing the rest of the time. When I ponder on this new journey I wonder. Wonder if I will be able to stay off the drugs. I wonder if I am strong enough. I wonder in a month if I will be better or worse. I tell you if I continue to get worse I may be forced to add a drug. Do I want to? No way! I really don't. I know I am strong in fact I know I am very strong, maybe not physically but mentally because if I wasn't I would have caved last week and already started back on the drugs. But then if I did go back on them and not give my body a chance to see what happens then I would wonder what would have happened if I waited. I don't want to live with that regret since I have been contemplating this no drug thing for well over a year. I cry out to God and wonder if he hears my cries, sometimes I wonder if he even cares. I have to believe he does and I have to believe he will lead me out of this dark valley when the time is right. His timing is always so much different than mine. Time will tell and for now I push on. Mind over matter. When my body hurts and forces me to lay down, I do it. When I feel parched I drink even though I have been drinking enough to hydrate an elephant, water is good for you, remember? When I want to eat the ice cream in the freezer I tell myself, "You think you feel bad now? If you eat that things will get even worse," and so on. It is a struggle almost a challenge for me to be the winner in all of this but I can do it! At least right now I can. I know as long as I live in this minute telling myself I can get through it, and don't look to far ahead, it makes it a little easier in some odd way. I have always been the end person. You know the one who sees the end in everything. Every project, everything I do has an end and my goal in this is the end but I have to say this non-drug life makes it hard to see the end, at least the end I want. I don't know what is going to happen and for me not to have control is scary and I don't like it at all but I will use my mind to fed in the good instead of trying to figure it all out. When I think to far ahead it gets sort of jumbled up and I can't think straight. So for now I think of today. Getting ready to go out into the world that has no clue. Watching people race around in the busyness of what? I don't understand that world anymore and have a hard time in it. The pain and fatigue will make that even harder tonight but I will have my sidekick along for the ride so that always makes it easier for me, not for him I am sure. I must go now and lift myself up to make it the best day it can be!
God Bless!
Dianne
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