When I saw this I chuckled but then after a few minutes of processing it I thought to myself this can be quite true. I remember when I was on my meds for the arthritis and I would complain about something hurting, not always out loud or to another person, but to myself. Stupid knee. Getting up off the floor yelling a little yip out like a puppy when they get hurt. I look back on that "on meds" pain and it makes me laugh and causes the tears to run down my face as I sit here now. My pain since thinking I am miraculously going to be cured by going off the meds is ten times worse. I get on the floor and I can hardly get back up. So very stiff all the time morning noon and night. I have to crawl to a chair or the couch to pull myself up screaming out in pain but also in between those screams of pain yelling, you can do this get up! My hands are so swollen and painful I have a hard time making a fist and opening things is getting more and more painful as the days go on. I couldn't even open a container to get my coffee out today and that is the stuff that really throws me for a loop. Try and try but nothing opens, frustration at its best.
One of my elbows and one of my pinky fingers are a swollen mess and every time I move, ouchie. The pain in that one finger gets to a point where I have to click it back into place to relieve the pain. I'm not making this up it is really, really true. I know there are the skeptics out there who roll their eyes when they read stuff like this but seriously what do I or others who suffer from chronic illness have to gain by making all of this up? Why would we make it up? Seriously? I wish all of my skeptics could live in my body for one day. I would never wish pain on anyone but just a day to see what it is really like. I can imagine many of them would want to use their free pass out by the time noon came around as the first few hours in the morning are the most brutal. I could go on but I would hate to continue to bore you with all of this chronic illness crap. Hey good name for this blog Chronic Illness Crap. I like it! It is a perfect fit.
The hardest part for me is the comments like, "Well you are fifty now." Ha, ya maybe but what about the past twenty years? I was thirty when all this started so I want to scream at people, "I paid my price. I want it done. Why?" Then having to have the surgery that put me into instant menopause hasn't helped anything. I can't even imagine the shock to my body from having estrogen one minute and then wham, none. I feel like I am not myself at all even on the hormone patch. I figured it would be no big deal, I was wrong. I keep telling Rich I hope no one pisses me off in the near future because it ain't gonna be pretty. So not me. This too shall pass. This too shall pass!
I hate to complain as I am sure some people think this is, but I don't feel this is complaining. It is my life. The way it is, at least for right now anyways. I am going back and forth with myself on calling my Rheumetologist and getting in earlier than February to see what she has to say. I wonder if I can hold off until February. Back and forth back and forth. Where I am now I think no I can't wait, but then my bullheadedness comes out and makes me believe I can and I will. I have her okay to restart the meds at anytime I want. She said when and if the symptoms get worse after stopping the meds you will know you need to restart them. Ughhhhh. I hate to have to face that reality but I have to admit my quality of life was so much better on them then it is now being off them. Side effects vs pain. Humm. For now I continue on with the pain. Intolerable at times and tolerable at times. I pray a lot along with the yelling but I make it through each day somehow someway. On my own terms and not by someone elses terms. It is all a part of the game. We all have our stuff in one way or another and we all must do what is right for us living with this chronic illness crap.
God Bless!
Dianne
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