I'm not sure how I am doing right now. The past few days have been better than the past six weeks I will say that. I guess losing both of your ovaries at the same time can turn you into a raging lunatic. I figured since I already was on my way with the menopause thing it wouldn't be that big of a deal to be put into surgical menopause but I am learning I was wrong. The body is doing okay. My doc put me on a low dose estrogen patch after the surgery and for the first few weeks it seemed fine but then something changed. I began to get angry and pissed off at everything. My body ached more and more everyday and I complained to Rich each night about why the hell I am even here. I didn't want to see anyone and when I did my patience wore thin and I would just want to go home. I was complaining about everything. I almost had a road rage situation on Saturday where I had my hand on my door handle and I was going to go choke a guy in his truck who did something that was totally unacceptable. It took all the power I had not to get out and wrap my hands around his neck. Lucky him! I wasn't sleeping well, tossing and turning every night, all night long. All of the symptoms were so, so, so not me! Well, I finally called my doc back and went in on Tuesday and he gave me a higher dose of estrogen and it feels like a night and day difference. I hope it stays this way but if not we can go up to one more dosage of the patch. All I know is I have slept the past two nights, I am happier, and I am looking forward to going to our land today with Rich. Last week I went with him to the land but in a Maxine crabby, pissy mood. I even asked Katie if I could take Addi next week one day, something I haven't had the patience to do the past six weeks so I know we must be on the right track. I woke up the past two mornings happy and with my happy BRING IT on attitude. Today woke up with a song in my head and that hasn't been happening, another good sign. So even with all the nay sayers out there who tell you not to do estrogen therapy I for one will be on it as long as need be. Once again I am not complaining just telling my story, still a little edgy but better than last week.
Last night I happened to watch the show Hoarders. This is a show I don't watch unless there is nothing else to watch. I seem to get to upset when I watch that show for some reason. I don't think it is because of the filth people live in but more because of the mental illness that is the cause of the filth. It saddens me to the core when I watch it. I understand it to some degree as Rich's sister was a hoarder and lived a life that could be on the show. I know people watch and wonder how family abandons someone who suffers mental illness but the person who is mentally ill pushes family away and usually does not want the help, or help that is only on their terms. It is all such a complicated disease, mental illness. I wonder why we are so ashamed when we suffer. I get very angry when people say there is no such thing as being mentally ill when they have never experienced it or know of anyone who has. How the mentally ill are shoved in a corner and not taken seriously. I am glad we are beginning to see this is a real illness and beginning to understand those who suffer so. Last night the father on the show was very, very ill. It was so sad to watch and at one point I almost switched the channel but I knew as the show almost always ends he would be helped. He was helped and it ended well. I hope he continues to get treatment and can have a relationship with his daughters whom he hadn't seen in eight years. One of the daughters said something that hit my heart. He used his past as an excuse as to why he lived the way he did. The daughter spoke up and told him to stop using his past as an excuse and that everyone has negative things happen in their lives and you deal with them, learn from them, and move on. Her pain had turned into rage. A smart teenager for sure. I am can only imagine how much those two girls had learned from watching their father in his disease.
The more I think about that show and what the reason was I watched it I came to the conclusion that God whapped me upside the head once again. Estrogen? BIG DEAL! Put your big girl pants on and live the life you have been given. Although I say that to myself it isn't that easy. Going from having estrogen to not having any estrogen really screwed me up and it didn't matter how much I told myself to be happy I just couldn't be. I learned even more about not only myself but about mental illness. You can't be happy when you are lacking serotonin. It just doesn't happen no matter how much you tell yourself or wish yourself to be happy or better. I'm so glad I didn't change the channel last night. We can all learn something from everything we do whether it is a television show, going out in public, or looking deep into ourselves as to why things may be the way they are. In the end if you know something is wrong make that call. Get the help you need and be proud of yourself for taking control of yourself! Only you can help yourself and there is no reason to be embarrassed about it. Help yourself! I did.
God Bless!
Dianne
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