I have been struggling very hard the past few months ever since I had the horrible set back. It is funny how you can be doing so well and wham you are slammed back into a place you never thought you would have to go back to. It has nothing to do with the physical sick part, after all when I get that sick I don't have to worry about a job, having young children to take care, or a husband who doesn't understand. I am very fortunate to have none of the above.
The problem for me, before the flare hit, I was at a place emotionally where I thought I had actually accepted my illness as a way of life for me. I was able to go to the store by myself on occasion to pick up a few things. I was doing more around the house and getting together more with my family, not much but it was better than not at all. Then as I became sick it was like carrying a ton of bricks on my back emotionally. All the questions that flooded back of the why this, why that, why? I tried to block out the why's but it isn't that easy when you are sick. Instead of sitting doing nothing, on the days I did feel okay, I made my homemade cards. I always figure if I can't do much physical then I can do something else, send cards to those who struggle, all the while as I still would struggle myself. Always asking myself, does it really even matter if I send someone else a card? In a selfish kind of a way I do it for myself as much as I do it for them. It gives me a purpose.
As I became ill again it brought back all the thoughts that I will never be able to get a job, that I am worthless. I don't need any sympathy in writing this, it just is what it is. I just cannot figure out for the life of me why I am here and it is a never ending struggle. I know I am here for my family and such but it is more of a reason to be here for myself. My self worth must solely come from who I am and not what I am able to make out of my life, like most people are able to do.
This past week I got a reassurance that sending out my cards is exactally what I am suppose to be doing and that God really is using me. We have a dear friend who lost her husband and then right after he died she became ill and had serious surgery. I had been sending her cards as often as I could, without having her think I was crazy. I pray/ed for her and her recovery. This past Monday someone knocked on my front door. You must understand, I never answer my door, but this time I felt I should for some reason. When I opened the door there was an older man standing there with the BIGGEST bouquet of flowers I have ever seen. It was HUGE! It was from our friend who said she wanted to thank me for all her cards and told me how much I encouraged her. I was blown away! I still am. I have been overcome with emotion to think that something as simple as a card could mean so much to someone that they would send me a garden of flowers.
So in ending the more I have pondered on the flower delivery and on our friend I am convinced this IS God's way of telling me I really do still matter. Granted, I may not be like the rest of the world, but I am me. If you know me at all, God really did break the mold when he decided to send me here to earth because I have never felt like I belonged here anyways. I have a better outlook on life this week because of that special delivery. The funny part is that on Monday I woke up with the mind set that today I will be positive. No more negative thinking, as much as possible, I am still human. Then The flowers came that day. Human thing or God thing? I know my answer I get it every time I look at those flowers sitting on my table.
God Bless!
Dianne
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