Last night I was sitting with the TV on and I received an e-mail from a dear sweet lady telling me of the cancer treatments she will be starting next week.My heart ached as I read her words which sent me into more deep thinking. As I sat there and thought about it this came to my mind, nothing is ever a big deal...until it happens to you. How true this is when you think about it. I am sure the return of this persons cancer was not something she or anyone who knows and loves her would have wanted, but it returned none the less, and now they all must deal with it. It is a BIG deal. It is unfair, but it is happening. They cannot run and hide from it as the reality is is thrown at them. The surgeries, the recoveries, the treatments, the waiting in agony for the nightmare to end so they can get back to their life without this dark cloud hanging over their heads. All I or any of us can do is pray. We cannot fix this reality and I often wonder why people try to fix it for the person who is struggling with words. Words that people say when actuality they have no idea what they are talking about. All I have to offer is prayers and the love that I am able to send her way and I will continue to do so as long as needed, all day, before bed, and even when I wake up in the middle of the night.
The more I thought about the whole, nothing is a big deal until it happens to you, the more stuff popped in my head. I could write a book on this but here are a few more things I came up with that had I must deal with myself through this hell called chronic illness. I decided I will write this in a list form because for me I love lists. I need things spelled directly out for me because if they aren't I will forget something. My memory is not as good as it once was. I believe not only from the drugs but from the illness. My poor brain is on overload on most days so my memory suffers, my doctors tell me because of all the signals my body is sending my brain. I forget things I shouldn't forget and now tell my family to text me to remind me of things as I do forget so easily. It is very annoying but it has happened so we all deal with it in the best way we can. So, more for me than you, here is the list:
1. Headaches. What do you think of when you think about headaches? I would guess for most of the normal world a headache is a minor annoyance. You frantically look for the tylenol or asprin knowing if you pop a few it will be better soon. For those of us who suffer from migraines a headache is a hellache. Unexplainable to someone who has never experienced one. Flashing lights in each eye even in a dark room with a towel over your head. I always tell myself just enjoy the fireworks, this shall pass, this shall pass. Pain so bad that you cannot even fall asleep because it feels like someone is taking a ice pick and jabbing it into your eyes/brain, or wherever your pain may be. You try to lay still hoping it will go away. You pray for God to take it away and make deals with him, please God take it away I will get up and do something good for someone else, I promise. Yes, those stupid deals we make with God to feel better. If someone in your house is eating something and it has any smell what so ever it may send you into the bathroom to puke even though you have nothing to puke up. Noise, oh my, noise. You cannot even stand hearing the heat run because it just brings more pain to your head. The unexplainable symptoms of a migraine. One of those, nothing is ever a big deal until it happens to you, things.
2.There are a few other things I will categorize together here because I really have no business writing about them because I have no idea what they are like. I have not experienced them so how can I write about them? All I know is I have watched and heard stories from people who have suffered. For me being very empathetic (being able to put myself in someone else's place) here is what I have seen and learned.
-Losing a parent is very painful. When someone loses one parent they are sad but they still have the other parent to worry about and take care. I have watched people lose the second parent and then they fall apart. You see they are so busy helping the one parent who is left they forget to mourn the first parent that has died. When the second parent dies many suffer the loss of both in which they never did with the first death. I still have both of my parents, therefore nothing is a big deal until it happens to you. This is true, but I think we all can relate to this loss as we even ponder on the idea of losing a parent, if we are lucky enough to still have both of them.
-Cancer. I have never had cancer so above as I wrote about my friend I cannot talk much about this because I have no idea what it is like therefore, nothing is ever a big deal until it happens to you.
-A job loss. Even imagining this is a scary thought. I have stated before stuff isn't that important to me but to not be able to pay your bills for necessities is a very scary thought. I cannot even imagine. I am thankful Rich has been able to have his same job since he was 13 years old. I am unable to work so for us it isn't just about paying our bills but very importantly having the insurance. My heart breaks when I hear people have lost their jobs and insurance, if they ever had it in the first place, or were able to afford it. Nothing is ever a big deal until it happens to you.
-Losing a child. This one there are no words.
This list could go on but you get the picture.
3. Last but not least something I am an expert on. Being chronically ill. Talk about, nothing is ever a big deal until it happens to you, this has to be on the top of the list for me/us. When you are healthy and you first hear of someone being ill you almost panic. The shock, the reality and the whole 'no way' hits you when you hear of someone being sick or having something happen. Then you think, what can I do for them? Some people send cards, flowers, stop over to see them or drop off a meal. It is nice for this ill person to know people care and that you have good people who pray for you. It is such a comfort for the ill person. But then time goes on. The person may not get better. The days pass and they are not finding or getting an answer to their illness. They suffer and what happens? Those people who were there when they first heard someone was ill disappear. Many people can't handle illness that lingers on and on. Human nature tells us we must "fix" everything. I often wonder what people think and all I can come up with is: If I send a card or I do something nice then I am off the hook, I did something so what more can I do? The thing people do not realize or understand is the ill person continues to be ill. They learn to suffer in silence because when people ask how you are all they really want to here is you are good and better. The whole, nothing is ever a big deal until it happens to you, fits beautifully in this category.
When I think about my living situation the one and only person who understands my illness and has stuck by me like glue is Rich. I know I have written it a million times in my blog and I will continue to do so. He is the one who watches me suffer. He is the one who takes care of me when I am in pain. He is the one who, if he could, would walk to the ends of the earth to cure me. He is the one who can understand, nothing is a big deal until it happens to you, because his life is different than most of the other married men he knows. He worries constantly. He works hard to provide, all the while wondering if I am okay. If I have fallen and am laying hurt. If I am overdoing it. If I am resting as much as I should be. He sees me without makeup and messy hair and still puts his arms around me and kisses my forehead. He holds me when I am crying because I don't understand all of this. He understands when I can't get up and go to church as he continues to go without me and gives me a mini sermon when he gets home. He understand when dinner isn't on the table after a long hard day at work. He grocery shops alone when I have no energy to go. He takes me to doctor appointments and then recites every word to me that I missed because I shut my brain off and just don't listen, my way of coping I guess. He never looks at me with those looks of, she can't be sick she looks fine, because he lives it right along with me. He sees what others don't. For him the, nothing is a big deal until it happens to you, is just as much of a reality for him as it is for me or than most married people, friends, or family could ever understand. I live it and he has to watch me suffer. I don't understand how he does it but he does it with love and understanding of which I do not deserve.
4. This one somewhat is a continuation to #3. It is about taking drugs. I am taking medically prescribed drugs. I have heard so many people in the past talk of someone and say things like, "Oh you know her she is always at the doctor she is a hypochondriac." This talk has been overheard by me when I am in a room full of people, not about me, but about someone else. Or I might hear, "She always has something wrong with her." I can hear these specific conversations and I remember who said them and who they were about. I heard these when I was first ill many years ago and was more quiet and would allow people to talk smack about someone else. Now, I am a different person and I would speak up and tell them, you have no idea what other people live with, nothing is ever a big deal until it happens to you and you have no idea what someone else is living.
I recently added a prescription pain med to my daily regimen, not an easy choice but needed none the less. I fought this for years. I always said I would never take prescription pain meds on a daily basis but I felt I should give them a try, never say never. Now that I have tried them I am asking myself, more kicking myself, as to the the reason why I was so reluctant. What a different they have made with my pain level. It is much easier to get through the day and without pain I am able to do so much more. Maybe I was afraid of more comments like, why would you take so many drugs?, Or, my favorites, you need to just take this vitamin instead or you need to eat or not eat that, blah, blah, blah. Well, hello people, those things don't work for me so shut up and please remember nothing is a big deal until it happens to you. Thank you very much. Disclaimer: I try to be a nice person as often as possible but after years of this illness crap you do tend to get crabby and quite outspoken as need be. Thank you for understanding and if you don't well I'll leave those words to your imagination..............I just don't care anymore! I am sick of people thinking they know what is right for me and my illness when they do not know any of what is happening with me. It frustrates me and annoys me to death!
My hope with this blog for you, is an understanding that when someone is going through a hard time, short term or long term, you can take the time to understand. Don't give them your advice, just shut up and be there. Let them know you care. It is the simplest things in life that can mean the world to someone else. Get out of your comfort zone and do something for someone. You may be apprehensive to do something for someone in fear of rejection but I guarantee you will be rewarded more than they will. After all it really is the simple things in life that bring the most joy. The next time you think that nothing is a big deal until it happens to you, think of someone who needs you and needs to feel God's love through you! Walk the walk instead of just talking the talk.
God Bless!
Dianne
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