I have had a pretty good few weeks give and take a few hours of some of those days but I have to say good for me. Of course once I start to tell people that I have been doing better or I write that I am doing better the tables always begin to turn for some reason. I always blame it on my big mouth because for me I have to blame it on something. It helps me process it when I am not doing well.
This morning I woke up at 5:30am with a migraine. I told myself to go back to sleep and tried, but by 6:00am I had to get up and take some pain meds. I laid back down hoping it would work, nope. At 8:00 am I told myself just get up and drink a strong cup of coffee, I barfed it down. Yes, that is the same as barfing it up when you have a migraine. If you suffer from migraines you will understand what I am talking about. I was able to get half a cup down and went back to bed. by 9:30am I got back up and took two Excedrin Migraine, these usually work well but when you wait to long to take them sometimes they don't. I went back to bed and laid there trying to get back to sleep. Believe me when you have a migraine the pain is so intense that sleep is next to impossible.
For me I suffer with a symptoms many people do not suffer who have migraines. I have since learned it is because of an area of the brain called the hypothalamus that is the place my type of migraine is centered. I have read that this is the area of the brain that pleasure comes from too so I am not certain why it would cause the migraines too but I do enjoy my pleasurable times too. As far as how this affects migraines is that when I am in a dark room, eyes covered with a wash cloth, I have a fantastic light show going on. It is not any type of light show that I can explain except to say it is a black background with white lights flashing and shooting across the black canvas. When I have this symptom it makes it even harder to sleep because between the pain and the fireworks, as I call them, you are stuck in the middle of hell. I have finally learned to not fight it. I just lay there and entertain myself by the light show thinking that people would pay a lot of money to see a light show like this and I get it free. I am the designer and the audience all at the same time so why not enjoy. You must understand that I have to talk to myself like that because if I don't I lose. Lose a piece of myself to more of what chronic illness has already taken from me. I can't let it win, so I fight and make a game out of it. I should have known this was coming because yesterday my eyes were so blurry I could hardly see straight and when I went to bed last night I had a tiny bit of a light show going on and thought to myself, I sure hope this isn't a migraine coming on. Guess I need to listen to those trigger signs a little better next time.
Today as I finally rolled out of bed at 11:30am, half the day is gone. I feel like I have been through a twenty mile hike in a rain forest. I am exhausted to the core. I am sad, I am angry, I don't understand it. Even as I try to win at the chronic illness game I still question all of it and feel like a loser at times. Why me? Why this? Why that? Why when I am doing well and I slammed down, yet again, with something else. It never ends. All I can say is God knew I could handle it. He must have because I don't think most people could handle this. I don't know, but this is what I have to tell myself in order to stay on focus and stay positive. It is hard on days like these. Really hard. Even as I try to stay positive I am still human and I still get sad. I question everything. I question why am I here. I question why there are some really awful people in the world who have good health and are rotten to the core and why someone good, like myself, who does want to do good in the world, can't. It is painful and heartbreaking for me.
The best part is the part of me that continues to look forward to later today or even tomorrow when I know I will feel better. I know it will come. It always does. I will keep my focus on that as the tears roll down my face now, but that is okay. For me tears help me release the hurt, the pain, and anger of what the chronic illness has taken from me but they also give me hope. Hope of a better day tomorrow and the hope that one day this all will end. As for now I am going to take a hot steamy bath, get dressed and move on with my day. That would help anyone feel better. It always does for me for some reason. I hope you can make your day as good as possible and have nothing hold you back from using your life to better this world we live in.
God Bless!
Dianne
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