On most days I try to get out of bed and see the best of everything. I must say even on the crappy days I am able to find something good, although it can be difficult. Right now it seems I am on a downward spiral. I keep thinking of one of those rockets that we played with as a child or the ones that Richie played with when he was younger. You would pump it up on the ground waiting with anticipation to push the button only to watch it go up and spiral down out of control. You would watch it go up in amazement and then all the sudden the rocket would turn and come back down as you watched it change its path most of the time heading for somewhere other than the place you launched it, on a roof or in a tree. Then you had to figure out a way of getting a hold of that darn thing so you could do the same thing over and over. In some ways I feel like my life is like that right now. I start to have hope over any given medical condition I may be facing at the present time and just like that in a matter of time it seems to spiral out of control like that rocket. Just when I think I have it all figured out and that I can do this, it all changes like the direction of the rocket when it hits its peak in the air. Just when I think to myself I am doing okay and I feel really good about it I wake up with something new. At first when it happens I keep telling myself it will get better tomorrow and sometimes it does, but then there are the other times when tomorrow turns into weeks and sometimes months. It begins to wear you down. The physical symptoms are exhausting. You will do anything to help that one problem get better so you can just get back to the other daily annoyances you are use to living with. The hard part is when it doesn't get better and the tomorrow never seems to come, that is when you find out how strong you really are.
The other hard part is the financial burden that tags along with the illness. It isn't like when the rocket lands and it is over, it is a never ending barrage of medical bills. Getting the mail each day is so depressing bill after bill even when you have medical insurance. It pains me so to see Rich work so hard only to have to spend money on this or that in the hopes it may be the answer to "this" physical symptom. Pillows, shoes, now shoe inserts, along with all the medications and other devices. It is like a knife jabbing in my heart every time we have to buy something else. The worst part, for me, is that Rich is way, way, way to nice about it. Always saying I don't care how much it costs, I don't care what it is, if it helps you feel better we are going to try it and he is very sincere about it, which in turn makes me cry every time. Seriously sometimes it would just be easier if he were a jerk and would bitch about it just once. It seems it might validate my guilty feelings in some strange way for spending so much money on me all the time. I always think to myself, most people take trips, have nice things, we have medical bills and devices that we use our vacation money on. That is pathetic to me. Very hard to take it all in and not feel bad about.
When you are in the middle of an ongoing issue you may see many doctors/specialists to help you but sometimes they just can't help you. Yes, they try but many times they are not the miracle workers, or magicians, you think they are in your head. When you are suffering you actually look forward to going just to get some relief and an answer and many times you leave more frustrated and upset than if you would have just stayed home. This in turn brings on the other side of being ill the emotion. The "I am tired," the "I can't do this anymore," and yes the "I just wish this would all end." It is tiring both physically and mentally. I am here right now and I am going to try to pull myself together here. I am keeping busy trying not to get to down in the dumps. I am planting flowers this year, something I might add I haven't done in five years. So I must look at the brighter side, the positive side. Yes, I have to deal with a lot each day but I still, no matter how much pain I am in or how sad I can become when I think to deep, Imust continue to see my rocket going up and not spiraling down out of control. If I continue to watch the rocket soar upward it keeps me from allowing it to spin out of control. I must come to terms with the fact that I am a lucky woman with a man who doesn't yell or complain about working so hard and having to take care of me. I have it better than most and for that I am grateful. It is my hope that in all you struggle with you are able to watch your rocket soar more than you watch it tumble.
God Bless!
Dianne
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