The whirlwind is over, one shower done another to go, at least until August gets here. It is such a joyful time for us to see Steph so happy. Actually there is no greater joy for a mother to see then seeing and knowing her children are happy. I think about it a lot. When you are ill and on life threatening drugs you think about things like that much more than the average person. Well, I'm not average and if you know me you understand what I mean. I really do think about my children and family and what would happen if something should happen to me. Don't get me wrong when it comes to me I am not afraid to die but rather afraid to leave them as I am like the Queen of the family. I know life would go on but I am the one everyone comes to when something happens. The one who gets called or texts when something is going on and when someone needs advice. It is funny because many of my friends do that too. Rich is always coming to me and asking me what I think about, or how I would handle a situation. It is flattering to me that they all think I know so much when I really don't. If I had one main goal in life it was to raise my children, and Rich :), to be there for one another because sadly you must realize when you are ill or dying, pointing around to all of them, these are the people who will wipe your ass and be there for you. I taught them to love others as I was taught by my parents. I wanted to instill in them to help others as much as possible, guess that worked with all three of my children in the medical field. I am glad my parents taught me not be a selfish individual, although there are times it can get tiring because I am always thinking of everyone before myself. In the end it burns me but it is always worth it to my heart. After all if we are only thinking of ourselves then what is the reason we are here? I can't figure it out so if you do, let me know.
When I became ill I never really thought about helping others or teaching my children to help others it was just second nature to me. Then when I got so sick I could hardly move I began to think more deeply about helping others, many times being very selfish and wondering where all those people were that I helped over the years. Yes, I had a few wonderful friends, and still do, who would drop everything for me, but I still wondered why don't people care anymore? I couldn't help it. I was laid up for a long time and when you are laid up the one thing you have plenty of time to do is think. I couldn't read or watch tv much because my eyes were so screwed up at that time I couldn't even see straight, I had to keep them closed a lot and since I was unable to do anything physical my brain took over and I dissected every aspect of my life past, present, and future. It was and still is a long hard ride. I still have not reached a destiny as my life is still very small. I still think way, way, way too much. I let the little things bother me and I lose sleep over them. When I do go out into the world I notice every single detail of what is going on around me. Being the giver/helper type I am always looking for ways to help someone if they need it. There is not a time I go out now that an opportunity is not laid before me. I wonder about the greed in this world. I wonder if people will ever stop chasing the almighty dollar and realize what matters. When I see someone who needs help I wonder how people can walk by and not care. I could go on but I won't I am sure you get the picture.
I woke up today in some sort of a sad state and very emotional. I watch Rich struggle at work and it makes my heart ache. I am helpless to fix anything for him. I want to get a job but as I search the want ads I qualify for nothing, plus who is going to hire someone who is not reliable. I know I do not need to tell them my medical issues but calling in sick two or three days a week because of a migraine, or pain, or weakness, just won't cut it in this blood sucking world. I look at my yard and the pain shoots through my heart. I planted a few flowers this year and the next day my neck was so messed up, but I must say getting my hands dirty and enjoying the beauty of those flowers was worth it, I think? Yes, believe it or not just taking 20 minutes to plant a few flowers can send me into the hell I live in. This weekend with the shower I got the food, I mean Rich and I got the food, he set up, I did a few things. Katie and Leah did most of the work for the shower, the day after I wake up with a cold and two days after a horrid migraine. The migraine was the worst to deal with because I have not had one like that since last November. It was one of those please just let me die migraines. No fun but I made it through just like I always do. I am hoping my state of sadness today is just a lay over from my migraine yesterday. I always call it the migraine hangover, which is much worse than a regular hangover, that takes a few days to recover from. I know migraines are in different parts of your brain for everyone and I cannot imagine all it takes for the brain to recover from such a trauma. I do believe migraines are a real trauma to the brain and to the body, they take their toll.
I am not complaining at all in this blog post. I don't do that, you can ask anyone who knows me. I am not a pity seeker in fact the thing I hate most is when someone pity's me. I do it enough for myself so I sure do not need others to do it for me. I hope as you read this you can realize that chronic illness is a game of up and down. The up is when you are pushing yourself to be like the rest of the world and the down is when it hits you. The after affects of trying to be a normal person in a normal world with a not so normal body. You try to hide it from everyone, never letting anyone really know how bad it is. What does it matter anyways? I saw a friend of my mothers in Costco the other night. She has RA and asked her how she was doing. Her response was so sad because I understood it. She said, "I am doing fine. You know how it is people don't care anyways so you know, I'm fine." I agreed. Then she said the only person who know it and lived it with her was her husband whom she pointed to as he was at the front desk. I agreed again. I knew exactly what she was talking about and she didn't need to say another word. We both felt the same pain just by looking in the eyes of one another. Silence for a moment as we both thought of what this chronic illness has done to us. It is funny how you can understand someone like that. It is like when you are in love with someone and you look into each others eyes and you just know, no words need to be said.
The day starts today. May 22, 2012. I am exhausted and I slept 10 hours. If I allow my body to run my life today I am sitting on my spot on the couch all day. I mustn't! I am going to get my self dressed, put on some make up, throw my hair in a pony tail and go outside. I am going to enjoy the nature that surrounds me in our beautiful yard. I have an appointment for a haircut today and I am going to enjoy that. I will not allow my tired body to control the day. I am going to pick myself up and lift myself up both at the same time and make it a great day. I hope if you are struggling you are able to do the same thing!
God Bless!
Dianne
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