Do you ever look in the mirror and wonder who the person is looking back at you? I don't look in the mirror to often on any given day. I get up in the morning, grab my glasses and head downstairs to take my pills and get a cup of coffee. After the coffee has brewed I end up on the computer checking out my facebook to see what all my awesome friends have been up to and what has changed overnight. I still have not looked in the mirror at this point in my day. I goof around on facebook until my cup of coffee is gone and the meds kick in. On many days that I don't have to go out I might not even do my hair or makeup until 11:00am because I am busy trying to keep the house picked up, do laundry, or putzing around like I always do. I always tell Rich, "I was busy all day but I don't feel like I accomplished one thing." He always says, "That's good." I never understand that response, but he usually has a smile on his face when he says it, almost like his stamp of approval to me or something.
I finally must own up to the fact that I do have to face the mirror as it is time to get dressed and there is no avoidance there. I go into the bathroom and I either take a shower, depending on the day, stiffness means shower in the morning and hot bath at night, other days it may just be the night bath if the stiffness isn't so bad in the morning. Depending on what I am doing the mirror is still avoided until the hair and makeup time comes. Hair and makeup for me takes 10-15 minutes and I am out of the bathroom like a jack rabbit. I don't like to waste precious time on my hair or makeup unless I have somewhere to go, then it may take a few minutes longer depending on where I am going.
I know there are a lot of people who really do like to look in the mirror throughout the day, I am not one of them. The only other time I will look in the mirror is to see if I still have lipstick on or if I ate something and may have stuff stuck in my teeth. Now teeth, that is important to me. As I think of the reasons why I hate the mirror so much the list could go on but I think it is quite simple. It seems every time I am forced to look in the mirror the person who is looking back at me, isn't me at all. This has nothing to do with age or wrinkles or any of that stuff that most of the women of the world worry about as they approach the big 50. For me, it is a much different sight. It is painful, very painful. When I see the person that stares back at me I think to myself that is not the person I know. The person in the mirror makes me realize and reflect on my life and my past life. It makes me very sad. Especially when my make up is on, hair is done and I am dressed in jeans and not stretchy pants. The reality hits me head on when I look at my image. It feels like two totally different people standing in the room. The one who use to be able to do it all, and believe me I could, and now the person I see. The weak person. The person in pain. The person who has so many dreams and wishes that may never come true now. It isn't easy at all. In it all I will say this, "I will not give up!"
Time goes on. We age, we do our best to cover up what time has done to us, but there are somethings we cannot cover up with makeup and hair color. Dealing with chronic illness it changes it all. You must learn to find your true beauty on the inside. It is hard when the world tells you so differently. As for me I will continue to do the best I can whatever time of day, wearing jeans or stretchy pants, hair done or in a pony tail, makeup or no makeup. (Ya, like that will ever happen) You see, it really doesn't matter because deep down in the core I am still the same person and I will continue to dream, even if that is all I can do. We must never stop dreaming because if we do then life is over. I hope you can dream too! Dream Big! Dream Often!
God Bless!
Dianne
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