Grief

Grief

I am not sure what you think of when your see or hear the word grief. Maybe you think of a loss someone has endured, maybe you think of a loss you have endured, maybe you are grieving right now, or maybe you don't have a clue what grief is in its true form. There are so many different types of grief it may be hard for anyone to define or tell someone what their own grief may look like. If you know how deep I am I had to look up the word grief to get an accurate meaning and here is what I found:
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.
Grief is very complex.

In the definition grief is our response to a loss. I am sure most people think of grief in a loss of a person who has died. We have all had to do it, move on after the loss of someone we love. It isn't easy. From what I have seen and witnessed many times is the people who are on the outside perimeters of a loss sometimes are the ones who do not understand grief. We see someone we care about lose someone they love, a spouse, a child, a sibling, etc and we expect that person to be better after a month or so because for us we have gotten over it, so to say. What we don't realize is the person who lost the loved one is still struggling in silence because no one understands. People can't understand why the grieving person wants to be alone or why they have changed, instead of just allowing the grieving person to just be where they are. Time, it takes time for someone to process a loss and people never get over it, they just learn to live with it. If you are able to think of someone in your life who is very special to you and you were to lose them do you think you could just move on in a month or so? No, you could not. You would have to learn how to live your life without that person there, not an easy task. It is very hard work.We all must learn to respect someones grieving and let them be where they need to be for as long as they need to be there. It seems we have a very hard time doing that for someone so we pull away leaving the person alone and lonely.

Just like everything in life we all grieve differently so on the flip side of grieving sometimes the person grieving never allows anyone to know they are grieving and they may hide away in their own little world and try to deal with their grief in secret. The worst part of this is the person doesn't realize they are not doing themselves or anyone else any good, just making life miserable for themselves and those around them. I think a lot of this way of dealing with grief has to do with the way you were brought up. In past times grief of any sort was almost like a forbidden territory. You had to be strong. You could never let anyone know pain or suffering in any way because it meant you were weak. I see this especially in men who have been taught that only wussies cry. I hate that a man is unable to cry because of something his father, another male figure, or the ideals of the world taught him. We are all human and if we do not cry and admit our weaknesses it will eat us alive until finally we break. We are all given tears for a reason and they are there to use them, no one should ever be ashamed of them. There is a saying that goes something like this: It is much easier to fix a broken child than fix a broken adult. This is so true. I have seen first hand how one person in a family can demolish the self worth of many people in a whole family. When the children grow up they carry bitterness and anger with them wherever they go and blame the whole world for one persons cruelness. It seems unfair and it is even harder to witness the acts of people who were hurt so long ago as they continue to live with that pain. Then when the actual abuser dies and you would think all the hurt would be buried with the person it seems the pain only get worse. Be careful how you treat people, especially if you are a parent of a young child. Childhood wounds cut forever.

I write today so people might understand the grieving process in someone else. The grief of death, in hopes that people can understand there are so many dimensions to grief. I could go on and on. I just hope someone can understand and be there for someone if they are grieving. Do not expect that because someone lost a dear one a month ago, year ago, five years ago, that they should be fine because most of the time they are not. Just love them where they are.

You should also know that I am going to bring chronic illness into this somewhere so here it is. The grief of chronic illness is just as painful and a never ending process. Just when you think you have grieved all your losses you are slapped upside the head over and over again. I think the grieving process of losses in illness pretty much go hand in hand with the loss of losing a loved one. You never truly get over your loses. You may fake and it tell others you are fine and have them convinced you are doing well and then you have another bad day and all the pain comes back. You may act and look like all is fine but deep down you are still dying a little at a time. Oh you are fighting, you are, but it is still there, the pain of the loss or losses, but as in a death you must deal with the grief. You have to find that one person you can let it all go with. The person you can cry to or with, the person who will just sit there and listen and not tell you what to do. The person who cares enough to tell you it is okay to think or tell you it is okay to feel the way you do with all you are facing. I hope if you only get one thing out of this post it is for you to ask yourself, "Am I that person to someone who needs me right now?" Not the person who is uncomfortable, figity, or leaves the room when someone really starts to open up to you, but the person who sits there and just listens. Just shuts up and listens. It isn't that hard. You have to understand when someone trusts you enough to talk to you and you listen it has nothing to do with you. The person talking is learning more and more about themselves by going over their story and this is how we all deal with grief by going over and over the stories of our tragedies. Are you the one someone needs today? Can you really sit there and just listen? You do not need to "fix" anything for anyone, just be there, that's all.

God Bless!

Dianne