If you have been following my blog the past week you will know I am trying to cut down on my bedtime dose of Xanax for sleep. It is a very, very low dose but trying to cut it out of my daily meds routine has been a total nightmare. The first night I didn't take it I was sent back into a really bad place, a place I had forgotten about for a few months prior. It is funny how you cannot remember feeling really ill or having a flare when you are doing well, but when it comes back you remember all too well the instant it decides to rear its ugly head. You have to be strong in order to deal with not only the physical symptoms, but the mind games it can play on you at the same time. It is all a fight but you can believe me, in the end I WILL win! I will never give the illness the upper hand. I will fight with all I have to kill this monster before I allow it to take over my mind!
After a week of trying to figure all of this out I finally called my doctor yesterday. She suggested I go back on the regular dose I was on until after the wedding and hopefully by the time the wedding is here I will be feeling good enough to able enjoy the day. The only problem with that is when you are sent into a flare, for whatever reason, you don't just get better in a day. Just because I started to feel sick the day after stopping the med does not mean I will feel great the day after I restart it. It is hard to explain this because in the real world this approach probably does work for someone who has no significant medical issues. For the chronically ill it is like you are sent into the flare one minute and you are swimming to get out of it for many days after it starts, no matter what you do. One little change may take days of recovery, if that is what you want to call it even though t isn't really a recovery at all, but you know what I mean if you deal with chronic illness. The illness has the power and it isn't like a cold where you will be better in a few days, chronic illness may go on for days, weeks, and sometimes months just from on little tiny change.
Last night I did take my full dose of Xanax and I slept wonderfully. I do feel better today but I am still weak and feel very tired. I can tell I have inflammation because my neck hurts, I am stiff and sore, a clear sign of my inflammation kicking in. But, I am better than yesterday so I am very thankful for that. I have eleven days to get it back together so I am good for the wedding, after that I don't care. I just hope and pray that by the wedding day I am able to enjoy it and be there in full with a mind that only has to concentrate on the wedding. If I am in a bad place physically it will affect everything, my ability to concentrate, my ability to socialize with our guests, my ability to see straight, my ability to just think and on and on. If I am physically ill my brain will be working hard trying to keep my body going so that will take away from what I am able to do. It is exhausting to say the least. So for the next eleven days I will take it easy and lay low, hoping and praying the body heals itself to a place where I am doing good. If not, then I will just deal with what I am given and press on. What other choice is there?
God Bless!
Dianne
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