Wedding Survival

I am happy to write that I survived the wedding and I am actually feeling okay. I thought by now I would have crashed and burned more than this but I haven't. I keep wondering if I am still running on energy and stress. It is like someone wound me up like a clock and I cannot stop going. I am still stressed and feel like I should be doing something more to get ready, even though it is over. Weddings are way to much work and society has put so much pressure on these young brides to think they need to have it all at their weddings. I remember when Rich and I got married it was a very relaxing, low stress, and fun day. It was simple and fun. We were all there for one reason to say our vows and celebrate without all the glitz and glam. If I remember correctly our decorations were balloons and they were a big hit with everyone. It was a perfect day. I wish the world could go back to that simpleness but I don't know if it ever will.

The only part of the Steph and Vinnie's day that was challenging for me, when it comes to the chronic illness issues, was this stupid foot. I had a steroid injection three days before the wedding in hopes that I would have a good day without pain and swelling. Well, guess what? Wishful thinking. By the end of the ceremony I was dying in pain and my foot was swollen up like a balloon. I even went down in the bride room and sat down for a bit to try to get the swelling to go down a little bit before our guest arrived but it didn't help. Of course no one knew it but me as I put on the face and made it through somehow. I told Rich we needed to meet our guests at the door when the arrived so I wouldn't have to go around to all the tables at the reception because I had no idea what was going to happen with the foot as the evening progressed. I remember talking to people at the reception but I really can't remember what we talked about because the burning searing pain had my mind in shambles by that time. Oh well, such is life. I kept shuffling my shoes on and off and switched my weight from foot to foot to relieve the pain. I mad it through!

One of the hardest things for me in dealing with chronic illness is that when I am with people, just talking even in a simple conversation, it is increasingly hard to concentrate and stay in the conversation when your body is screaming out to your brain. You are trying to listen and soak in what people are saying while at the same time the brain is telling you to sit down or don't put so much weight here or there, or don't do this/don't do that and you lose yourself in trying to do ten things at once. It isn't like everyone else where you can just talk, laugh, or joke around, because you always have a second "person" so to say along for the ride, the illness. It depends on the day and what part of your body the illness is attacking. One day it may be a joint or two, the next day it may be your eyes, the next day your foot, the next day you are very weak and can hardly lift your arms up. It is a constant battle and being in a crowd is excruciating in more way than one.

Today I go back to the foot doctor to be molded for my second pair of inserts for my shoes. I am hoping this pair helps because the last pair I had just caused me more and more pain as I tried to get use to them. I hate to say it but I feel like I am being pushed in the direction of having to have this problem surgically corrected. It is a very simple procedure but for me it is the thought of having another surgery causes much anxiety. I was told when I had my cervical spine surgery I would be up and around after a few weeks, well a few weeks for me turned into months. It is hard to have to think about any more procedures even when they are simple ones. The nightmare never ends but as I always say I will not give in. I want to, I really do, even as exhausting it is for me to just write this little post. I know that must sound crazy but it is true. You have no idea how many times I think it would be so much easier to crawl in a hole and just have someone throw some dirt over me, but then if I give up it would defy any reason why I amhere. I have to believe God keeps me here for a reason, whatever that may be, suffering or no suffering. I will push on. I know the foot problem will get better. It will! I have to keep that frame of mind or I couldn't make it through each day. God is good even when life isn't so good so we cannot allow our circumstances to define our life. We all must push on! Push on and push on we will!!

God Bless!

Dianne