Ahhh Monday. The day everyone starts their new week more than likely at work, maybe chasing children, or catching up from the weekend. This is one of my dreaded Monday's. My six month Neurologist appointment. Needless to say while others stress about work and living life I stress about yet another doctors appointment. I am almost sure if you back track in my blog there are many more entries just like this one. They could be about my Neurologist, Rheumatologist, or even maybe about my yearly physical. You see, when you are ill an ordinary doctors appointment is not so ordinary.
My fears consume me on the day I have these appointments. I have been doing this for so long now that I have learned not to allow these appointments to ruin my whole week prior to the appointment. Every time the thought of an appointment enters my mind I block it out quickly with a good thought such as my family or I try to get busy with one of my hobbies. Needless to say on the day of the appointment that is impossible as I am writing notes for the doctor and trying to remember all I want to talk with him/her about. I try to take notes in between the six month appointments of any changes which are either significant or insignificant. It seems the things I feel are trivial may be a huge piece of the puzzle. I learned this from my Rheumatologist, the hard way at times. I didn't tell her something only to find out six months later I should have told her about it the last time I was there. Yes, I am a work in progress when it comes to these appointments but after six years I feel as though I am finally getting a grip on how to do them right. Maybe?
My fears are not only the appointment anxiety I feel but the wonder if my doctor will find something new. This time my eyes have been giving me more issues. I have had an increase in migraines so I fret is there a reason why? Small changes to some but monumental to me. I stress that I will leave the same way I did the last time, no changes and all is good. Okay, so what does that mean? I still am not normal. Will I ever be? Why would the same ole same ole stress me out? It is like you go wanting to find something new so you can have the hope that it can be cured, or just the answer as to why? Why are my migraines increasing? There has to be a reason. I am sure that makes no sense. Who in the world would want to find something? You can only understand this if you suffer on a daily basis and sometimes get no answers as to why you suffer.
I have written it before and I will write it again, The real world will never understand the ill world, but I can also turn that around and write that the ill world will never understand the real world, anymore at least. I hate that I have to write that. I can remember being in the real world but it is a distant memory. A memory like you have when you go on the trip of your life. You are able to remember little parts of it but it is impossible to remember it all. It is over. You enjoyed your time there but reality and life are what you live in now. It is no different with chronic illness. You get back from the trip and the real world begins, work, schedules, etc. With chronic illness it is no different except that the schedule is different. You have no control because you do not know what is going to happen from day to day. You might be on top of the world one day and do as much as you can and the next day is the complete opposite. You are unable to do anything. Can you see the contrast between the two? Chronic illness is not only a physical game but an emotional, psychological game. You have to be strong. Stronger than you have ever been in your life to be able to handle all that is thrown at you. You dream of being able to have your normal life back but know in the back of your mind you probably won't.
I am not complaining at all. Really! It is what it is. I am stronger. much stronger than I ever thought possible. When I think back on when I first became very ill I didn't want to be alone. I needed to have Rich by my side and there for any little problem, it wasn't easy. I felt like a helpless child who was dependent on someone for all my needs. I have sense come to grips with illness and I am much better and not so needy. In fact I think my independence is much stronger because I almost feel like I have to prove I can do it now. I don't need nor do I want to be coddled. It is liberating to write that. I don't have it all figured out yet but I am getting there. Writing that it makes me realize I am stronger than I think I am for today. It is just a doctors appointment not world war three. I can do this! I know when it is over I will feel relieved and refreshed no matter what happens. I always do. So, once again my blog saves me. Once again writing down all the struggles I am facing at the moment I am writing them gives me hope, peace, and just a little more acceptance. Knowing it is all going to be alright in the end.
God Bless!
Dianne
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