This morning I woke at five am. If you know me at all or understand the struggles I have on a daily basis you know that sleep is extremely important in order for me to function properly. I concur this must be true for most if not all chronically ill people.
There are other mornings, many, that I have woken up around four or five am and lay there and finally fall back to sleep until nine or ten am. Why was today different than those days? I performed the usual routine, bathroom, excedrin migraine for the slight headache that woke me, then lay back down and try to fall back asleep. The slumber decided to stay away. I felt some weird voice telling me to just get up, so I listened. Upon reaching the kitchen to make my coffee I had some weird sense of anxiety. Ever since I have stopped taking the xanax for sleep I have not been sleeping well at all so I wake up almost feeling like some alien from another planet. I feel like I can't concentrate and I am in a strange sort of fog. I feel sadder than usual. I am just not my normal jolly self. I tried to take the other med that the doc gave me in place of the xanax but it has done nothing but make me feel like a zombie during the day and I really didn't sleep well at all on it so I stopped that one too. Plus the dizzy spells are not worth the trouble. I can't figure out if I am still feeling the withdraw from the xanax or if I am having awful side effects from this new med that is probably still running through my veins.This sleep issue is still a struggle for me as I still do not understand why a doctor would rip a drug from me that was working well and switch me to another that would cause havoc on my body. I believe chronically ill people must be looked at in a whole different way than the normal world. I am anxious for my next appointment to discuss this with her face to face.
I sat down with my cup of coffee and read a few papers I had laying around. I turned on the tv and after a bit I decided to turn the channel and run from all the news that can bring me down so fast. I try to separate myself from the negativity of the news because it radiates deep in my soul, it is easier to stay away from all of it. I checked the guide and saw Joyce Meyer was on so I caught the tail end of her show. It ended so I checked the guide again only to find her show was going to start on another channel so the voice told me to listen. Listen I did. She started out talking about people, troubles, depending on God, the usual, but then she shifted. She shifted over to grace. She was talking about grace in the usual sense but then she turned to to people who may be ill and waiting on God to be healed. She said you people are the ones who have and need even more grace. Instead of worrying about being cured keep your focus on God's grace, the extra grace that is there for you. Maybe you are not being cured but it will happen, you just have to continue to believe and lean on God and his extra grace. If you know me at all you know I already know this, but it seems with all that is going on right now I needed to hear this more than usual. Look to God and not the world. Don't compare what others are doing or ask them for their opinion just lean on God. This is one area that can be hard for me as I watch other people have lives and jobs while I feel trapped, trapped in an illness I want to break out of so much. Grace! Remember Grace!
I must say I did have some sort of problem with this. I have more grace because I am ill or do I just need to believe I have more? To me that is like telling someone God loves me more than he loves you, I don't believe this is possible. All I know is what I have known all along: God's GRACE is sufficient enough. If I didn't believe this already I wouldn't have been able to make it this far and still be as sane as I am. This is what gets me through each and everyday. Whether you believe it or not is between you and God, as for me this is it. While I sit here writing this I wonder. Wonder about a lot of things. I wonder if Joyce is right and then I wonder if it really matters what she has to say. I believe it is between me and God, for me that is enough and I am thankful for his grace no matter what and now I know why I had a early wake up call today.
God Bless!
Dianne
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