Have you ever had pain so bad it makes you shake and tremble? Have you ever had pain so bad that you are up all night hurting so bad you wonder how you are ever going to make it to the morning light? Lately I have had a lot of trouble when it comes to laying down to sleep. My cervical spine is messed up once again. I thought after the surgery I wouldn't have to deal with this kind of pain ever again. I have since found out I am wrong. I have researched a little bit on the subject of having other discs go bad after a fusion but I haven't done to much digging into the subject because the little I have read has made me cringe. Even the thought of having to go through another fusion is excruciating for me. I have had a few surgeries mind you but the fusion ranks up there with the sinus surgery as being the worst pain ever. Truthfully I would rather give birth to all three of my children, drug free, than have to face another cervical spine surgery. Yes, it was that painful for me and the recovery was torture. I cannot say I ever got to a place of no pain but at least I was better than before the surgery. I got to a place where I didn't have to think about my neck with every move I made. Of recent I am back to that place of having to think before everything I do physically. It doesn't matter what I do, even the simplest of things, that can put me back into this hell of pain. The pain was so bad last night that I can hardly see straight. Yes, I have issues with blurry vision on a daily basis but over the past few months that is even getting worse. My memory has also gotten much worse, so much that Rich has even noticed. And I think I am so good at hiding things which I am for the most part but hiding that you are forgetting the simplest things is not possible. I had to come clean to him and tell him my memory is getting worse. When I did, he said he has noticed it for a while. You can see what a sweet man he is because he never once has told me I am losing my memory he waited for me to tell him. He tries to hard to make things easier for me as he knows how much I suffer on a daily basis. With this neck problem I am trying not to let him know how bad it is in fear that he will worry about me even more than he already does. The stress of the business is enough for him on most days so adding to that stress is not something I like to do.
When I think about symptoms I endure on a daily basis I wonder to myself which one is the worst one of all? When I am weak I think it is that one. When I am extremely fatigued I think it is that one. When I am in pain I think it is that one. When I have a migraine I think it is that one. When my foot is giving me issues I think it is that one. The list could go on. Today I deal with the pain. Pain I don't like. Pain that brings back other painful memories that I like to block out of my mind. I have pain meds I take when I hurt this much. I hate to take them but the reality is I must. I have a terrible problem of thinking to far into the future. When I am on the pain meds all I can see and worry about is if I will have to stay on them for a week, a month, or maybe even longer. I don't like the idea of having to take something else when I have been working on cutting other drugs out. I have to fight this dependance on drugs with all my might. I have to tell myself live in the day if you are in pain you need some help and that is okay. Today you have to take them so maybe tomorrow it will be better and you won't have to take anything except the Tylenol Arthritis. The mind game continues as my body fights against my sanity. Today and only today I am thankful for pain meds! I will continue to hope and pray that tonight will be better because right now that is all I have. Hope!
God Bless!
Dianne
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