The Price You Pay

Here we go again. Just the other day I wrote how things were going well knowing all the while I was writing that entry it was going to bite me in the ass. I am almost always right when it comes to my chronic illness. I think most who are plagued with illness would agree. You know when something comes out of your mouth or you write something down, in some odd way, you should not be saying or writing it. It is a never fail price you pay when you are ill.

My price caught up with me yesterday and last night. My foot problem has become somewhat of a way of life for me. It is so odd to me that when you experience a certain kind of pain that after a long period of time it becomes a way of life for you. The pain in my foot has. I am so use to it after nine months I can hardly notice it is there, until yesterday. All day I was receiving stabbing pain being sent to my brain that literally would send out words of pain. Ahhhh seemed to be the word of choice and a few times the words of choice were much more harsh, I  will leave those to your imagination. Last night I decided to break down and ice it which helped to some degree. It is funny because I will endure the pain for as long as possible before icing as I almost feel like I have it prove a point, to myself or to the illness. The strange way my brain works after all these years of pain. In my head if I ice that means the pain and disease win. If I don't ice and endure the pain, screaming and hollering at it, and hoping it goes away without some sort of treatment, I win. I am telling you it is a brutal game that I hate to play. The pain won yesterday. I couldn't take it any longer so out came the ice. The best part is I made it through the day. There are days that is the goal, to make it through the day.

I had another painful reality hit yesterday. The reality that I have to tell Hospice I cannot come back to volunteer. I have been putting this off for a few years, filling out the papers every year in the hopes I can go back and cut hair for the patients. I looked at the papers yesterday that I have been hiding behind the calendar for a few weeks trying to avoiding the reality and pain it causes me. The realization that I cannot do it hits me hard. I filled out the paper and told them to take me off the volunteer list and that I was unable to return. This has to be one of the hardest things I have ever had to "let go" because of chronic illness. I feel it isn't fair to continue to lead them on that I will come back knowing all along in my head it more than likely isn't going to be possible. I cannot have others depending on me for a hair appointment only to be disappointed because I must cancel due to this illness. It would be fine if it were other circumstances but these people may be gone in a month, a week, or a day. A haircut to them means more to them than most of us. I have even had the honor of cutting a few heads of hair on people who were hours from death. It was humbling to hear the family so grateful because they wanted their loved one to be buried looking like they did when they were fully living. You can see why I will miss this and why it is sheer torture for me to have to resign from this volunteer position. I know I can't do it for now but I hope someday I will be healthy and strong enough to go back. I have to keep the hope!

Last night, bedtime. For me sleep is important but my neck has been giving me horrible issues when I sleep. I forget about it during the day because being upright helps take the pressure off the discs. This is where my problem was before when I had the first surgery to fuse the two discs that were rotted away. My biggest fear is that more discs are doing the same thing as this pain is getting continually worse. Last night was no exception. It was probably one of my worst of late. I tossed and turned all night trying to get the pain to go away. When you are in pain you will sleep in many contorted positions in order to find that place where the relief comes. Last night was one of those nights I was unable to find that right position. I woke up feeling like I didn't sleep a wink. The worst part for me is I am not a napper like many chronically ill people. I am good at resting but taking a nap is just not my thing. Today I will deal with the pain and hope tonight is better. Pain like this is exhausting so I hope for good sleep tonight. It has to be better and I must keep my focus on better sleep and less pain. If I don't I will drive myself crazy. Chronic illness does have a way of doing that you know. It can make you think you are bonkers if you let it, you mustn't! You must always stay one step ahead of the game. Foot pain? Better today! Hospice? Something else will come along. Neck pain? Tonight will be better. It is all a matter of mind over matter! I will look forward to Friday when my little love Hunter is going to sleep over. I can see him already jumping on the bed in between Papa and I. Laughing and telling me how much he loves us. I can hear him in the morning whispering in my ear, "Nana it is time to get up! Nana it's time to get up!" Me saying, "Nooooo go back to sleep," and him laughing at me. I will focus on all the good that will go on between now and then and I will tell myself, "Yes, things will get better." How do I know? Because they always do!

God Bless!

Dianne
(I forgot about the dizzy spells I have been plagued with the past few weeks but I will save that for another entry.)