It happened again. I knew it would. Last week at rock bottom, this week starting to climb back up the hill. I try to be positive, you all know that, but I still wonder if I will ever make it to the top of the mountain. My jolly self wants to believe that one day I will but the negative voice in my head that holds me down so many times is telling me I never will, even as I type this. I am stronger this week and much more on top of things than I was last week. I increased my steroids to 3mg as I figured I was decreasing way to fast. I felt better within two days. I am now down to 3mg from 6mg so I have to look at that as a HUGE success instead of listening to that voice in my head telling me I am so close to 0mg just hurry up and do it. I have to learn to enjoy the ride, even the unpleasant ones and live in the moment even more than I do. I don't know why I have been slipping out of that way of thinking the past few weeks. All I know it that I have to take the control back and I am, at least for today.
We all fall whether we are ill or not. It is a part of life. We all have that negative voice that tells us we can't do something, sadly many people never hear the positive voice that tells them they can do it. The trick is to learn how to block out that nasty mean voice recorder that plays over and over in your head. It isn't easy, I know, but it is possible. What works for me is if I hear the negative I try to think of a positive. It isn't easy and last week as I was so far down and couldn't even see the light it made it very hard to be positive. I thought to myself, this is what depression is like and I am not even as low as I could go. It broke my heart for those who suffer and how they are treated so unfairly, not only medically, but by the world. I am one of the fortunate ones, I was able to go up on my steroids and I began felt better within a couple days. I know for those who are depressed it isn't that easy and they suffer in silence. I cannot imagine living in that hell day after day and I am truly heartbroken for those who suffer. I also know it is isn't easy for them or many people to see the light at the end of the tunnel and we all must understand that the light may be far off but we have to suffer and push to get to the point where we can see a sliver of light, but we still must fight. Last week I did tell myself this hell will get better but then in the next breath I was so angry and mad it blocked out that positive thought. The mind is so hard to understand not only for us but even more for the people who study it. I have to believe if they can't understand it then how are we suppose to? Maybe we aren't. Maybe we are suppose to just love and be there for people who are suffering through bad times, not trying to make it better or fix it, just be there to listen or love them, whatever they may need at that given moment. Non-harsh judgement making, just love.
I truly believe if even a happy person says they never get down or depressed they surely cannot be telling the truth. We are all human and we fall, some of us harder than others, but we all fall none the less. Wouldn't it be grand if when we fell there would be someone there to catch us? Someone to help us through our rough times? Someone to be our personal cheerleader there by our side pushing us on telling us they don't understand but they are there if we need them? I know many people do have someone there but not in this way. I have Rich but I never told him my deep dark thoughts last week. He is a busy man and this time of year he is even more busy and stressed than the rest of the year. He is the bread winner and has to work twice as hard because I can't. Most people have two incomes coming in we have one. In my head I believe he doesn't need to come home from a eleven hour work day and hear me complain when in reality I have nothing to complain about so I keep it all in telling him I am just crabby this week. I have no one I can talk to because I don't let people in and most don't care. I am thankful I am a strong enough person to pull myself out of those times but many people aren't. I wish we could all just understand one another and wonder if that will ever happen. Something for all of us to think about.
Remember the above:
IT'S OKAY IF YOU FALL SOMETIMES, JUST AS LONG AS YOU GET BACK UP.
God Bless!
Dianne
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