I like this. I believe this. I try to live by this. I believe you can forgive. I believe you can never forget, at least for me. I am human. I fail. End of story.
I left facebook for a little over a week. Ya, I know some sort of world record for someone who tries to encourage others not be so hard on yourself and to believe in yourself. Well, I cracked and the message on my wall was sending me to dig deep and I realized I was not allowing myself to live the things I was posting. You have to understand, I try, but just when I think I had it all figured out and I am okay- wham something happens that slams me down into the dooms of hell. Seriously, I am fifty years old you would think by now I would have it all figured out. I don't. I don't understand some people. I can't figure it out. I try as hard as I can but I can't get the answer.
I decided when my father in law died to try something new. First and foremost you have to understand my father in law adored me. He told me all the time. he thought our kids were the greatest kids on earth and he told me that all the time too. I have to admit it always made my heart warm and fuzzy when he would tell me that. If I could tell you more of the story it would make sense but I can't so I know some of this sounds both awful and crazy at the same time. After dad's funeral I decided when I was around certain people I was going to pull back. I wasn't going to be the first one to go up to them anymore. I wasn't going to be the one to always try to open a conversation, which always was about them anyways, but I was always the one to start it none the less. Anyways, dad died a few years back and the few times I have seen certain people I have put my experiment in the works. Funny thing has happened in the process of this experiment. Over time I have realized in so many of my relationships, these specific ones, that I really am always the one to start the conversations. Certain people I have seen since have not started the conversation as I stood back and put the experiment into motion. I had the ah-hah moment of realizing that many of the people in my adult life have been those who want me to be there for them all the while never being there for me. It's okay really, but odd at the same time, at least to me. I find it particularly odd that the people who should care about me and my family don't and the people who shouldn't care about me and my family do. I don't understand so many things right now. I don't understand how my daughter can have children and certain people can not even congratulate her. I don't understand how people can expect me to do things for them when in reality they are the things they should be doing. I don't understand how people can mean nothing to certain people. I don't understand gossip. I don't understand how people want to be my facebook friend but when I see them in person they can hardly say hi to me. What is that? This makes no sense to me what so ever. I figured that one out too. If certain people are your facebook friend they can nose into your life without having to ever ask you about it when you see them and they can gossip about you. I don't understand relationships that are a one way street. I wasn't brought up like that. I don't understand selfishness. I don't understand people telling other people what they should do or shouldn't do in any given situation. I believe we all should do what is right for us and if it isn't right then we will know and learn our lesson.
Ah, the experiment over the past few years has taught me a lot. All good? Probably not. Of all the good and eye opening that came from the experiment has taught me that when I am mean, rude, and selfish I become like them. I have this gnawing in my gut that tells me I shouldn't be acting like this. I know what it is. Yes, I do. The Holy Spirit talking to me, I know. On the other hand my human side is at its breaking point. How much is one person suppose to take? Yes I know Matthew 5:39- But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. Well, you know what? I am sick and tired of being slapped. I can't do it anymore. I have to walk away. It is what it is. People are selfish. I guess I am selfish. I know after thirty years of this I am worn out. I am not willing to allow people to do it to me anymore. I want to scream, "Get over yourself," but I can't.
Just when I think I can't take anymore one of my girls who listen to me and really care about me will just let me spill the beans. I sit and talk while they listen and a funny thing happens in their listening and my talking, and sobbing. I realize it is okay. I realize it isn't me, okay maybe a little. I realize the people who love and care about me the most have my back. They understand because they can see it from my side, they have lived it too. The unfairness of certain situations and relationships. The healing begins with a text or a photo they send me. It starts with the tears. its start knowing it is okay to walk away, sometimes. It starts with a text from Steph last night telling me to come back to facebook because I miss you sooooooo much. It starts with a friend who calls and leaves me a message telling me she misses me on facebook. It starts with love. All the love that surrounds me daily from my family, from my facebook family, and from God. It starts knowing I cannot allow a few rotten eggs to spoil the whole bunch. It starts with me. It starts here writing it all down and processing it in my head over and over and over again. Cruelty. Love. Which one do I want in my life? I know. I knew all along- even before the experiment.
God Bless!
Dianne
No comments:
Post a Comment