A Rude Awakening

This is it. This is the entry that rips my heart out as I write it. It is from my heart and it is raw. It has nothing to do with being ill, for the most part, although for me it has everything to do with being ill. It saddens my heart out when I think of it and brings tears to my eyes so fast that I cannot think about it too hard or too long. I am hoping if I write it down I can forget it and move on. It is the time all mothers must, number one, face, and number two, accept, at one time in their life. It is heartbreaking and heartwarming both at the same time. It is a rebirth so to speak. A rebirth for yourself as well as your children. A new life for all who are involved and what we all strive for as our children grow and leave home. It is the moment you realize you are not needed as much as you would like. Its that moment it all hits you like a jackhammer on hard concrete, you know when you hear that it makes you cringe because it is so loud it almost hurts your ears? kind of like that. What a fitting blog entry on the first day of school as I see many posts on facebook of mothers who are either happy or struggling, it is a mix of both today.

This entry begins at Steph's wedding reception last weekend. It was after all the whirlwind of the day ended. The wedding was over, the dinner was over, the cake, dances, and other festivities were done, I was exhausted to the core and nothing made sense anymore. Thinking even hurt my brain but as I sat in the chair alone I thought about a lot, mostly about being lone. To be honest I never felt more alone in my entire life as I did in that moment of time sitting at the table. I looked around and saw people I knew but didn't really feel connected to any of them at all. I watched Katie and Dave together laughing and enjoying one another in their love. I saw Vinnie with his bride, Steph, and saw a very happy couple who obviously belonged together. I don't think Vinnie wiped that huge smile off his face the whole day, they were truly meant to be together. I saw Richie and Leah and thought to myself, next year this will be them. They are so perfect for one another and their happiness together eludes love. I looked around and saw Rich doing his usual, entertaining of the crowds. For some reason he has always been the one to make sure everyone has a good time whether it is our weddings or another gatherings, he is always worried about everyone having fun. You must understand when it comes to this I do not, and never have, felt it was my obligation to make people have fun. I believe that is up to each and everyone of us to do this on our own, this is where Rich and I differ in so many ways. I do not understand his need to entertain  the crowds and while I am always on the sidelines, watching, alone. If it is ever up to me I would pick staying home laying in bed together where he would pick being with people. If it wasn't for him I would probably lock myself away and never see anyone. I believe I would be happy doing so it is just who I am. Wired different then most people.

When I was looking around the room at that moment to a room full of people, as I wrote, I never felt more alone in my whole entire life. I was totally lost. I thought to myself, 'This is it?' My whole life has been about my children and now I am left with nothing? I was lost. I devoted my whole life to Rich and my children and now I felt I had nothing at all. The realization that they really don't need me anymore hit me hard as they progressed with the night and I sat there alone to tired to even want to talk to anyone. It was a hard pill to swallow at that moment.I just wanted to run and never come back. If I have to be honest that was not a very good night for me emotionally what so ever. I never led on to anyone so here it is for the whole world to read. Truthfully, in that night, I just wanted to run away and never come back. I can imagine most people reading this who know me are thinking why would she want to run away when she have it all. I do, but I am talking about me. The inner being of myself that no one really knows. The heart and soul that holds in so much because people do not need to know what I am really thinking, especially as I was surrounded by people who really do not care about me or my family and show up to things out of obligation. This wedding has made me realize even more than I already do that you only have those who are your flesh and blood to be there for you when you really need them. Illness and caused me to have a raw understanding of life and people. Good and bad, it is what it is, for me at least.

Positive. You know my blog always has a positive side at least I try to make it that way this entry it no different. I have thought about the wedding a lot over the past week. I have thought about some of the things that happened over the past ten months of planning the wedding, the stress, the heartless actions of people, the preparations, the sitting there all alone at the reception with all the "stuff" running through my head. I wish I wasn't the type of person who has to think so much on everything. I wish I didn't have such a big heart. I wish things didn't bother me so much, but that is my make up, it isn't going to change. I came to the conclusion that being alone isn't all that bad. I realized over my week of deep thinking that I really am not alone. I have raised three very responsible adults. All three of them adding goodness to society, all the while taking care of themselves, and making their own lives without me there every minute to help them out. It actually is a very good place to be as a mother. Yes, they still call me, and we are still very close, but something has changed. They have grown up on me while I never took a minute to realize they were doing so and in the meantime I lost myself somewhere. This week I start with a better outlook. I talked with Rich this weekend and spend some much need alone time, doing what I love doing, laying in bed. Talking, being close, and trying to figure out what the next chapter brings. I am not sure what it is but I know I need to find something. It will come to me one of these days.

I continue being a mother. I will be here when my any of them need me and even when they don't. Waiting for the text or the phone to ring and hearing the words, Mom, or Dianne, what do you think about this, or what do you think I should do about that?  The only difference now is my answers to the questions. When they ask "What do you think you should do?" I have to take a step back. I have to allow them to decide the big decisions and guide them along as they choose which path to go down. When they make a mistake I have to stand back and watch them hurt or suffer. It isn't easy, but it is the way life works. So even as I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life I am rich, much richer than I have ever been. Rich in love. Love I have for my family and the love I feel from them. Whether other people care, or don't, I have them and when I think about it I wonder what more do I really need?

God Bless!

Dianne