My day didn't start out well at all. I woke up at 5 am and couldn't get back to sleep so I just laid there knowing I would eventually fall back into a slumber. It did happen, at least I think it did, somewhere in between a dream or what seemed like a dream, even though I felt wide awake. I laid there and had some sort of weird sensation in my head. I would be lying if I said I never had it before. It was like my head got all fuzzy and I couldn't wake up. I tried to move and nothing happened. I laid there thinking I was having a stroke all the while trying to call Rich's name as I could hear him in the kitchen making his lunch or breakfast, one of the two. It seemed like I woke up and moved and could see the lights on in the kitchen so I thought it was just a dream try to go back to sleep and having the same thing happen once again. It is odd because I have had this before, only one time, but I remember it distinctly. I thought I was having a stroke that time too. All I could think both times was that I would to be able to hear Rich close the door for work and I am either going to lie here until he gets home or die, one of the two. If I recall I woke up and moved that time too except for the fact that I got up that time because I was so scared and didn't want to go back to sleep because of the fear of that no control feeling. I can only imagine how stroke patients feel when you hear stories of people who have strokes and they lay there unable to move but aware of all that is going on around them. Creepy!
Last night was shot night. Methotrexate. I always know the next day will not be good, it just happens. Probably from the poison running throughout my veins. The poison that in a few days helps me to at least have a pretty good weekend. Today has been different. I feel worse than normal. My eye is drooping much more than usual which is kind of scarring me because I haven't had issues with that since I have been back on the weekly shots. My head feels flighty and I am weak. I am trying to tell myself that this will all be better tomorrow and I am hoping for that too. Thankfully my foot hasn't been as bad as it was over the past weekend so I am not having to deal with that like I was. It still is not good but I can live with this. Do I want to? No, but like I always say, "It is what it is."
The strange part in all of this is that I can't get that feeling out of my head. The laying there not knowing what is going on around me. I am almost afraid to go to sleep tonight in fear that it might happen again. I haven't even told Rich yet because I know if I do he will lay awake all night checking on me and to me there is no sense to that. I hate when he has to worry about me, it is worse than the illness, for me at least. What is meant to be is meant to be. It is one of those days that it would be better if it would all just end. But then I begin to think of all the good in my life and I have to stop myself from thinking like that. It isn't easy when you are sick and it feels like it will never end. I am tired today. I am weary. I am sad. But I am not a quitter and I will fight this. I will pray to God for a good day tomorrow and if not then I will deal with whatever I am given. Easy? Hell NO! Worth the fight? Hell YES! So into the night I go not knowing what will happen but knowing all the while no matter what happens I am in a good place.
God Bless!
Dianne
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