I feel like I am almost at the breaking point. I wonder how much more of this I can take. I know I can because I have to but I really do not want to. I have had a very rough few days. Migraines and acid reflex that is about killing me. I am happy I woke up with relief from the acid washing up into my chest and causing me to feel like I have been having a heart attack but still woke up with another migraine, the third day in a row. It gets old in a hurry as I wake up laying in bed wondering why. The why me? The why can't this all stop? Then, the why is this happening questions. I lay there with the questions going around and around and around in my head as to what has made me get so bad. I cannot figure it out. I have some clues that come to mind as far as I know when I lay on my left side I get an instant migraine but I can't understand how I was able to sleep on my left side all night with no migraine only to turn over and have the instant brain stabbing pain rear its ugly head. It makes no sense. When this happens all I want to do is lay down and sleep in the dark but when I know the pain is coming from my neck I am forced to get upright because for some reason I do better when I am upright. The past few days of being sick and weak from my acid issues I have been sitting. I think my spine gets to much pressure on it when I am down that it causes my muscles to tighten up and causes these headaches. I got out of bed and did something I never do during the day. I took a muscle relaxer, something I only do at bedtime. I hate to take that crap during the day. I feel like if I take it at night it is all okay because I am sleeping but when I take them during the day it feels like I lose and the disease wins. I know that makes no sense but for me it make perfect sense. Stupid drugs that I need to survive.
These are the times that the illness wins and it is brutal on the psyche. Usually I am a very easy going person and I still am when I don't feel well except when it comes to drugs and treatments. It makes me so angry and mad at myself that I am having to depend on a drug to just help me function. Right now I can hardly see what I am writing, it is all a big blur, which is much worst than on my normal days. It gets so old and annoying. I could scream and cry all day if I let myself but I am not going to. I am going to take a hot soak in the bath with my yummy smelling stuff. Then I am going to do my hair and put some makeup on. After that I am going to get my stretchy pants on because for some reason they always help me feel warm and comfy. I might even venture outside for a bit to enjoy some nature. I would really love to walk out in the woods but I am not sure I am strong enough to do that and this stabbing pain in my head may not even allow me to go out in the bright sunlight. I will see what happens. My point is that no matter how down this disease process knocks me I cannot and will not let it win. Yes, there are the days, like today, that I want to give up and just be done but that isn't an option.These are the days I have to accept the reality of having to take the drugs and just be okay with it. The days I tell myself tomorrow will be better and if not then the next day will be and so on.
This was on a fabebook page today and it was so appropriate for me and maybe for you too? We must never ever stop fighting because if we were not meant to be here we wouldn't be. God has us here for a reason even when it is hard to understand why on some days!
God Bless!
Dianne
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