Richtervention

I know I blab on about all the symptoms I suffer. I rant about how I wish it would all go away but right now, as I still suffer from those, I also suffer even more from the emotional side. It is so brutal on your soul when you are unable to do much of anything physical but for me it the worst part is the fact that I am unable to work. This has been weighing heavy on my heart ever since the wedding planning began. It has weighed heavy on my heart before like when Richie went off to college. Mind you, you would think that because we owned a small business we would be able to pay for our child's college education, wrong. Owning a small business has drained us to the gills, like a fish swimming out of the water, you know the kind if you have ever fished and held a fish in your hands the gills going crazy as they try to find water to get the oxygen. I am not complaining at all, really I'm not, so far we have been able to stay afloat and provide jobs for others along with Rich. With this economy jobs have been cut, it is inevitable. The astronomical costs of running a small business that has a lot of expenses has wore hard on us but we keep plugging along. Along with everyone else the crunch of this economy has been felt on the home front too. We continue to thank God for all we have and do the best we can with what he has given us.

I am struggling very much the past month with the fact that I am unable to help financially. I know I said I was back on the work front helping Rich at the office but it still is not a real job. It is my husband saving me from my own madness, like he always does. This week has been brutal for me. When I get like this I feel so worthless. I don't know why because I had a very busy week helping others, something I am a master at, but it isn't the same. If you know me I am a very giving person so I am not complaining about that at all, it is more of the self-worth part of the picture. I watch others who are able to have a "normal" life and I still long for that. I watch people take it all for granted. It really can wear on a person who is ill. I can't say I feel sorry for myself because I don't, I think it would be better put, I feel sad for myself. It pains me when everyone is out in the world living a life while I am stuck in the mud so to speak. I know only I can change this but it isn't that easy. If I over do it I pay so I try to take it easy, take are of myself, and it leads to this. The real world will not understand this at all.

Last night I finally broke. I cried and talked to Rich and for some reason whatever it is he always knows what to say and how to make me laugh about any situation. He allows me to crack and listens but then in the end I always know he is going to snap me back into place. He tells me I do more than anyone he knows. He admires how I hold our family and home life together. He marvels at how I help so many people. All the little things that I think are trivial and do not matter much to the world, to him are monumental. He believes I am the greatest woman he knows and that one really cracks me up. He always knows how to help me take that step back and realize how much I do, do. No, I don't bring in a paycheck which will be hard for me no matter what Rich or anyone else says, but I give and I must continue to learn that sometimes just giving is enough. If you know me at all money and material things are nothing to me, as long as bills can be paid I am good. As long as I have a little extra cash to help someone else I am good. I don't want to work to gain riches because riches are worthless, (unless you are married to one because my Rich is priceless, insert sappy here), but to have the self worth for me, not anyone else, is all I really want. To have the longing to be like everyone else. I know it more than likely isn't going to happen but I will never give up the hope!

Today I move forward feeling a little better after my Richtervention. He is the master and I am thankful for him and his love and understanding. I wonder how many men could handle the stresses of living with a chronically ill person. I am not just talking of the physical but the emotional aspects of it. Understand me, I am not a complainer and rarely do complain unless something is almost unbearable for me. I hide a lot from him and everyone else, but there are those times I have to let it all out. Poor Rich is the place I go. My safe haven. He is a master at handling it along with all the stresses of owning a business. It is funny because he always tells me how blessed he is but I have to remind him I am the one who is blessed, more blessed than he will ever know.

Today is a new day and I will embrace it with a new outlook all the while wondering about it all and trying to make sense of it all. I don't think that is going to happen so I am going to try to live in the moment and quit looking so far ahead. It seems when I start to look ahead and try to figure it all out is when I get myself in trouble, so here is to today and only today!!

God Bless!

Dianne