What do you do? I cannot tell you how much those four words can send me into a bitter angry place. I don't understand why society bases a persons success or life on those four words. Seriously? I go to a doc appointment and am asked what do you do? Or I need to go for my regular blood checks and when I sign in I am asked, "Do you work?" Ummmm no I don't. Then the look of you don't? I hate that look. It feels like the look of either pity or what do you mean you don't work? Or it could be the look of wow you are lucky, no job, no kids at home, etc. Every time I am asked, "What do you do I want to yell at the person asking, "What are you referring to when you ask what do I do?" I really just want to let it rip or rip them a new one. This past week when I went for blood work and the girl asked me the dreaded question do you work, I said no, and she said so you are a homemaker? Seriously once again? I just said yes a homemaker. "Okay here is your paper work you can go to the right and have a seat and someone will call you," she said quite nonchalant. Are you kidding me I think to myself. I wonder if it bothers me more than it bothers them?
I haven't really thought about the, "What do you do?" question much because truthfully right now it is taking all my energy to just exist. What do I do? If you really want me to answer that we might need to go grab a cup of coffee or dinner. At first when I am asked what do I do I usually go into a guilt mode. I don't work. I don't earn an income but I sure can spend my husbands income, and no not on the things most of the world does. What do I do, hummmmm let me think here. Most of all I force myself to stay sane. When you live chronically ill your mind can play a lot of dirty tricks on you, like when someone asks you what you do and you feel like a worthless piece of crap just taking up space. But the more I thought about the question this morning the more good I began to came up with than bad.
I don't have a "real" job, no I don't, but I have so much more. I don't earn money but to me money is worthless. I don't understand the wants of the world when all mine wants are needs to keep myself at a halfway healthy point or just get better so I can be like everyone else.
This morning I woke up after a brutal week or so. I am so exhausted I can hardly move. This is no fun but being the mind over matter person that I am I went outside to cut some flowers. One of my favorite things to do it cut flowers and dry them. For some reason seeing the dried flowers and adding them to my collection brings a smile to my face and to my soul. Then, I use them to make cards. After I walked in the woods for a bit and enjoyed the beauty for a few minutes my body said far enough don't forget you still have to get back, so I headed back with my fall collection of flowers to dry. Saturday I sat down with some clay and made some beads, after I baked them I made a homemade bead necklace. This only adds to my new hobby of making beaded necklaces. I love to paint. I haven't done it recently but I still love it. I love to draw, not good at that but it is still fun to do. I love that the picture I made of a bunny turned out so well. I asked Hunter what it was and he said, "Thumper," it was! I love to bake. I am not much into cooking anymore because the gastritis in my gut makes me want to throw up for the past year when I look at food so poor Rich has survived on simple meals, never complaining once, but always worrying about how I am doing. I love to spend time just watching my grand babies play. Addi the other day when she was over taking all the tootsie rolls and saying, "this one is for mama okay?," and "this one is for dada okay?" and so on. It was precious. I get a ton of texts, some days more than others, asking me, "Mom how do I do this or Mom how do I do that?" It makes me realize that my children do value my opinion and really do think I can do anything. Little do they know sometimes I just fake that I know so much. Every call, e-mail, or text means the world to me. I keep my house clean and believe me this isn't easy when you have a hard enough time finding the energy to get dressed on most days. Today I stripped the bed to wash the sheets, something I should do more often, but oh well. All I do never ends. No I don't work but in a sense I do because for me everything is work even the things the real world takes for granted.
The more I thought about the stupid question, "What do you do?" The more I thought to myself I do a lot, I just don't have a pay check to show for it. But I do have some beautiful art. Beautiful necklaces but most of all I have love. I have it all. I just need to remember it. I have to learn the next time someone asks me that stupid question to stand tall and stand proud because I probably do more than most people do. I have time. Time to reflect. Time to be there anytime day or night for others. Time to encourage someone. Time to do the things that I love to do. Time to love. It makes me realize we all must be happy with our "What do you do," no matter what it is because we all do matter and we all do have a special place here whether someone else thinks so or not.
God Bless!
Dianne
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