Listen real close, can you hear that? No, not that car that just drove past with their music blasting. No, not your children screaming, maybe fighting, or just playing in the other room. No, not the dog barking. Listen again, hear it? Boink, boink, boink. Yup that is me banging my head up against the wall for at least the tenth time in the past two years. I don't know why I cannot learn my lesson the first time something doesn't work out for me. I still have to try the same thing over and over and then realize and ask myself why? WHY? I guess I am a slow learner or just a dope.
What am I talking about? Getting this hair brain idea that I can stop taking these drugs I am on. Every single time I try to do it I am slammed down so hard that I can hardly function. I tried once again, as I did a few months ago, to cut down on the prednisone/medro and now I am paying dearly for it. I can hardly function. I am weak, tried beyond anything anyone could understand, and my pain and stiffness have been worse. When I feel like this it sends me into some sort of isolation mode. I can hardly take care of myself and to see other people is totally exhausting and takes way to much energy, energy I don't have to expend. The tiniest drop in this med can send me into a tail spin. It not only affects me physically but emotionally. I become so exhausted that I break down very easily. It is hard to realize, and have to believe, that you are going to have to take these stupid drugs for the rest of your life just to be able to function. It is hard to get out of bed and not feel like you haven't slept and to have more morning stiffness than usual. But I have to come to the realization that these are all the signs that I cannot drop the dose of this drug and more than likely will need them for the rest of my life. That is a harder pill to swallow than the actual pill(s).
My biggest issue in trying to cut out medications is I start to listen to other people. No drugs seems to work for some people with autoimmunes, I am very happy for them don't get me wrong, but when I start to believe that maybe if I cut out this drug out I can cut out another, for me it isn't a good idea. I want to really bad in my heart and soul to get off these drugs but every time I do there is a payoff. The payoff isn't worth the idea of being drug free so I go back on the drug until I forget how bad it was to try to wean off it and then go through the same cycle once again only to realize I can't do it. If you know me, can't isn't a word in my vocabulary and I think that is why I try to get off these drugs over and over again. The worst part is that when I decide I am going to get back on the regular dose I was on before the taper it takes a week or two to get back to the normal, my normal, that I was before the initial dosage drop that I always regret. Every time this happens I tell Rich I am not going to do that again but then I turn around and do it again. You think he would slap me upside the head and say knock it off, but he never does. He always understands. he knows the mental hell this is as well as the physical hell it is. I must have been worse then ever to warrant a dozen roses. You have no idea how those roses make me realize how hard this disease is on him and not just me, but that would be a whole other blog entry. I don't think I would be sane without his love, support, ears, and shoulder to cry on. He always knows what to say to make it better. I am thankful or that!
Today: back on drugs. No more tapering or cutting a drug out, no more banging my head up against the wall. Boink. I am hoping that the drugs get me back to my "normal" state before Christmas gets here. If not, one day at a time as usual. The next time you might hear that boink could you please leave me a message and remind about this blog entry? I really would appreciate it!
God Bless!
Dianne
No comments:
Post a Comment