Today I write for a specific reason but I am sure before I am done I will touch on more than one issue. I write a lot about not fitting into the real world. I write how I don't feel as if I fit in anywhere because no one could really understand what I am going through or living with. In my real life, outside of my blog, I am not as happy to devulge as much information to others as I do though my blog. It is just too painful for me to actually talk about and to see the looks of healthy people trying to understand when they never could. The exact reason why I usually say I am either ok, fine, or good when someone asks me how I am.
Last night I had a huge awakening and almost a ah-hah moment, not that I don't have a lot of those on a regular basis, but this one was a little different. You already know I have been doing yoga. It has been eight weeks now with the exception of missing one because of a doctors appointment that took longer than expected. Yesterday was a rough day for me. My sleep has been horrible and yesterday I was feeling the affects of not sleeping. It is almost like a form of self torture when you have trouble sleeping night after night. I never knew what this felt like before and it sure isn't fun. I have sleeping pills but I have found that they make me crazy. I took them a a few times and I do not like them. I went to the store the other day and felt like a zombie walking around and around in circles on them so I have decided no more of those unless I am desperate. Funny how I never had this on the xanax. I slept well and woke up pretty refreshed. Now I am given sleeping pills which, for me, have much worse side effects than the xanax and I don't sleep well on them at all. I still can't figure this one out and am anxious to talk to my Rheumatologist about it. On the way to yoga last night and after the way I felt all the past few days along with all the negative self talk I felt from lack of sleep I almost turned the car around and went back home. I was in tears on the way. I literally pulled into a church parking lot and made a deal with myself. if my yoga mat was not in the back of the trailblazer I was going to go home and not go, if it was there I was going. It is funny because I thought it was in the house and when I opened up the hatch, ta-dah there it was. "Crap!" I said to myself, "You are going and knock this crap off and go. " Off I went to yoga class.
Getting back to the real world and the ah-hah moment. The first five weeks of yoga I looked forward to going. It was the very, very beginner class, the basics. The instructor was/is great. It was a comfortable setting because all the people in the class were just like me as far a never having had any yoga knowledge. The next class I signed up for after the very very beginner was the beginner class. I was nervous yet excited about going. I had finished the first five weeks and felt okay about yoga. My neck by this point was still not doing better but the instructor told me it could take up to a year. A year? Ughhhhh! Believe me with chronic illness you learn patience in many different ways so why did I expect yoga to be any different? Signing up for the second class was huge step for me. This class would have people in it who knew much more about yoga than I had learned in five short weeks. I signed up anyways! The first week went okay. You see, this class had been together for a while and there were only a few new people, one lady who was in my class, and myself that I know of. The hardest part for me in this class is that I am different. There was a group of women three or four of them who were yucking it up a lot of the time time. I left wondering if this was the environment of the class and wondering why I am doing this but I also thought to myself just keep going this is good for you! The second week the women were worse. Saying how they filled out a form at the end of the last session and one of them put on their form how they wanted more fun people in the class. Last night, the third week, one of their friends moved over by them and one said, "Oh ya come over here to the fun side of the room." Of course I was on the side of the room that apparently has no idea how to have fun. Seriously? If you know me at all I have a fuse. It doesn't get lit very often but when it does everyone better watch out. My fuse was half way lit from the few weeks before and I had to control myself to not let it lose because if I would have it wouldn't have been pretty. I bit my tongue and sat there in utter amazement that someone was so rude to say things like that, as was the rest of the side I was on. Odd to me because these women work in a profession that you would think they wouldn't act like that in public. Enough said.
The story above, for me at least, is one of those that I am talking about when I say the normal or real world doesn't understand. You see, for me the yoga is not for fun. The yoga for me is a HUGE step not just an hour a week I go somewhere so I can hang with my girls, belittle others, and brag to others that I am in a yoga class. To put it mildly and what I thought in my head the first week I met this class and wanted then and still want to shout out to them: "THIS YOGA CLASS IS SERIOUS SHIT FOR ME SO SHUT UP WOULD YOU?" Yes, this is my non-filtered head the things people can't hear me say but many times what I think. Me at my finest when I get pissed. This class pisses me off, not the class but these women.
Then the ah-hah moment. On the way home last night I pulled back and thought to myself. These woman have no idea what I live with. They see a blonde, freshly colored I might add :), who has a nice yoga outfit, nice makeup, does all the poses, and has come to class each week just like they have. They see a person who is no different then they are. Would I ever let them know about my struggles? No way! If they have no compassion for anyone else in the class why would I ever trust them with my life story? I wouldn't. You see I am the person who believes in the quote by Maya Angelou, "When a person shows you who they are the first time believe them." These woman have showed me who they are for the past three weeks and to tell you the truth I would never hang out with people like that. I never use to be like this but now my time is precious. Time for me is life. The small amount of so called "good" time for me is precious. the "good" time that allows me to go to a yoga class is a treasure for me. If I am feeling good enough to go to a yoga class then I am there for a reason, in hopes of feeling better because of it. I will not allow the normal world to cloud that out for me and I will not become angry and bitter. I will not become angry and bitter. I will not become angry and bitter. By the time I got home I was over it for the most part. I was glad I went even when I so wanted to turn that car around and stay home. I learned a lesson, self taught, last night. Just because I don't feel like doing something I still must do it and from now on I will go to yoga in a better state of mind even if the real world has no idea why I am there.
God Bless!
Dianne
No comments:
Post a Comment