Keeping An Open Mind

I am trying to keep an open mind about my sleep issue. I am not getting too worked up with the fact that I am getting virtually no sleep and am feeling awful. I am not that worked up about it. Truthfully I am just trying to keep my body working in sync as it is so deprived of sleep that nothing is working together. Yesterday my neck was in so much pain I could hardly function. I had a horrific headache that I decided when I got up I was not going to give into. I did many things around the house and fought through the pain. If you have ever been sleep deprived you might be able to understand where I am at with all of this. You also might understand why I came to the decision to take a Xanax at bed last night. Ya, ya, ya I know my doctor is totally against it but my doctor isn't living my life of sleep deprivation. I took a half of pill around 10:30 and after I read for a while I went to bed. I laid there for a short time and I was out. I woke up once in the night to turn my stiffened body over and fell right back to sleep. My neck did not wake me up at all last night, which is funny since the past few months my neck at night has be giving me hell to say the least. I woke up and turned in the morning and knew that Rich was up but I fell right back asleep. I woke at 10:20 and forced myself to look at the clock. Truthfully I could have slept all day. I have over two months of no sleep to catch up on, but I forced myself to get up. I got out of bed and much to my surprise my neck was better. Hummm, that is another surprise because since I have stopped the Xanax, per my doc, my neck has been worse in the daytime too. I have been suffering to say the least.

I am still baffled as to why I cannot take this drug at bed. I have absolutely no intentions of ever taking it during the day. I have absolutely no intentions of becoming addicted to it like all these docs think I will. I take it to sleep, plain and simple. It works for me. All the other drugs I have tried have not helped me one bit and have only made me worse when I took them. I am at a rock and hard place. I don't know what to do. It is clear my new doc is not going to work with me and believes in the one size fits all approach. Well, not always and especially not with me. I am getting more and more frustrated. I am pissed at hell that I am diagnosed with anxiety over the phone the other day by a doctor who hasn't even seen me and then told to take Zoloft. Seriously? When Rich came home that night and I told him that I had anxiety and he looked at me with a funny look on his face, "You with anxiety, I don't think so." Of course the first thing I said was, "Thank you very much." I do not have anxiety. I can't fall asleep so that means I have anxiety now? I am at my wits end and I have come to the conclusion that my anxiety comes from people, sometimes, many times  docs, who do not get me. There are very few who do and very few who ever will. I am working with a physical therapist now for my neck and he is figuring me out real fast. He is already seeing that I am different and understanding it. I am grateful to my few docs who get me and are willing to work with me and do what is best for me, many aren't.

I am happy today. I slept last night. I feel like a whole different person today and for that I am grateful as ever. The worst part is I am at a place where I am wondering how I am going to get these drugs to help me sleep. I am worried and yes anxious about this one issue. Rich is beside himself as he watches what this no sleep is doing to me. He continues to tell me he is going to take the matter into his own hands. I have told him no and he respects what I want, but now I wonder. Do I let him help me here since I am not being listened to? Do I quit the drugs and never sleep again? Believe me I have not felt this good in a few months and it makes me miss my sleep even more. No sleep is a hellashish kind of torture. My memory is gone. I can't concentrate. I can't socialize. I don't want to go anywhere. I am exhausted to the core, but today is different and I will enjoy it! I will look forward to an answer to this issue because I know there is one somewhere in the near future.

God Bless!

Dianne