Okay I am in some sort of a mood to bitch or yell or... I'll just write a blog post. Call me human if you wish I don't care because today I feel real human and not in the great sense of the word. This has been a rough week and rough weeks begin to break you down not only physically but mentally and emotionally.
It seems that lately I have read so many things like the above: Pain doesn't just show up in our lives for no reason. It's a sign that something in our lives need to change. Or another that says pain only helps make you stronger. It isn't that I don't believe pain and suffering aren't there for a reason but when I read these after years of pain, I wonder. I think I have learned my lesson. I believe many of my fellow sufferers have learned their lessons so why does it go on? No one has an answer. The question of why???? it goes on and on for the chronically ill. The more time passes people believe you are fine even when you are still living in the same hell you were living in at the beginning. It isn't easy at all. The pretending is exhausting as well.
I like to believe God allowed me and my fellow chronics to become ill because we are strong enough to handle it, at least that is what I tell myself. But then I wonder is that really true or is it all just the crap shoot of who gets ill and who doesn't? It is all for a reason. Really? A reason? If there is a reason I wish someone could tell me because coming off of the week from hell I need one. I also find it quite funny and odd at the same time when healthy people have the nerve to tell you what you need to do or not to do. Or when healthy people post stupid crap like the above. I wonder how they would feel it they suffered three days of chronic pain. Am I being selfish saying that? I don't think so I just wish people knew and understood. I wish people could love and not judge. I wish people could not feel like they had the right to tell the chronically ill to exercise or eat this or do that or buck it up. Believe me I have tried it all and it does help to some degree but it doesn't magically make it all disappear and presto we are cured. Really! Believe me I know because the past two weeks I have cleaned up my diet, exercised more and I am still here in the hell. Why?
I have gone deep inward. I have wrestled with so much stuff inside that I don't know if there is much else to wrestle with. Lesson? What lesson? I can't figure out what my lesson is. I live well. I do good. I love. Ya, there are a few who are hard for me to love but I try the best I can even when I want to, well enough said there. I thought I was a good person, a believer, a giver, a helper, a lover. What more do I need to learn? Where is the the lesson in this illness? I can't find it because it makes no sense to me at all.
This is short and sweet and right to the point because I am going to go to yoga class now. Yes, yoga to help me to be normal. To get better. To make all of this go away or at least help me to try to deal with understanding what the lesson is. I know I can't be the only one who is ill who feels this way. I am sure my fellow chronics know what I am writing about even when it doesn't make any sense to the normal world.
God Bless!
Dianne
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