I Quit

Quitter. What does the word mean to you? When I looked up the word the definition was quite simple: One who gives up easily.

The past few months I have been doing some deep soul searching. Most of us never think very deep as we are so busy with life and all our stuff we don't have the time. When I cleaned and boxed up all our stuff and all thing things that kept me busy, too busy to do any soul searching, I realized I was left with a lot of empty space, not just in the house but in my soul. It has been almost two months without all the distracting stuff to keep me occupied so to speak. Besides my painting and a few other art projects there is nothing left to do but think. It isn't really as bad as it sounds to most who are in the busy world. It is probably one of the best things that ever could have happened to me and for me. The same time I began to pack I also quit doing yoga class. I figured since I had so much packing to do there was no way I could go to yoga too. I also quit because the class was getting too chatty and giggly for me. Yoga for me was not for fun it was for serious issues I had of which no one in the class really knew about and I am sure wouldn't have cared if they did. Most of the class was already a click and it was interesting to me how each week I would go to class say hi to people and most wouldn't even have known I was there. The room had some bad energy so it was time to leave anyways. So, that was another reason I quit. Big mistake. I got so busy packing and so tired I never did anymore yoga at home either. Last week I decided to try a new place. It has been a week and I have had five, yes five, migraines since I went back. This week I have been asking myself over and over why I quit the yoga in the first place? My migraines were gone when I was doing my yoga on a regular basis and stopping brought me right back to the place I told myself I was never going back. Well, here I am, back. Stupid! I'm still trying to figure out why I quit, the real reasons.

All of this had led me to a realization this week. I am a quitter. Let me rephrase. I have become a quitter especially when it comes to certain aspects of my life. My health. When it comes to my health I hate to make excuses like, "I can't do that because of my health," sounds so lame and stupid to me. Especially since I have always been such a bull headed person. If I had my mind set on something believe me I would get it done. I always had the end in sight. Give me something to do and my brain planned, put the plan into action, and finished whatever it was. These days? I can have a plan but it seems many times the end doesn't come because I get so tired and fatigued. There are the times I just get so mentally drained I can't continue on. Quitter? Maybe, or maybe I just don't want to admit I am a quitter now. It isn't like I can't start an art project and finish it because there is never an issue there. I think because my art is some sort of therapy. That's another thing when I think of quitting. The sleep therapist, I quit. I went two times and thought to myself I can do this job myself. I already knew what she was going to ask. Seriously? I am the person people call when they need therapy so why do I need a person yawning in a chair to tell me what to and ask me the stupidest questions ever asked? Yes, I think therapy is good for some but not for me. Quitter? Yup! I'll never go back again either. I can figure myself and everyone else just fine. Drugs? I am down to three mg on the prednisone and have stayed cut back on others. Am I paying for it? Yes, but there is some odd thought in my head and from listening to everyone else making their stupid comments about the drugs I take that has forced me to believe I can get off them. I'm thinking I can't but still going to keep trying. Trying for what? To prove to all the people who know nothing about me or my illness I really DO need to take the drugs just to get through each day? I might need to be a quitter on that too and go back to my higher doses I'm not sure yet and will wait to see what my doc says in August.

As I reflect on whether I am a quitter or not I also realize as much as I want to be like everyone else it just isn't going to be right now. I keep the hope even in my quitting. I keep trying in my quitting. I signed up for the new yoga class. I have a good mind set that I am not going to quit. Who knows? I hope I don't quit. I also learned that being bull headed is not a good thing. When someone pisses me off I quit instead of saying what I want to say, mostly because if I say what I want I will probably get kicked out anyways so why not leave quietly? I think I have to learn to be more outspoken and say no this is not right. The last yoga class I should have talked to the instructor but I knew if I did it wouldn't have mattered, they had their group formed and  who am I? No one to them, they couldn't even say hi to me so that spoke volumes. I am in a new class,  a new instructor, new people who are kind. This may be it. No quitting this time! I will push on. I will be all that I can be. I will. I will pretend I was in therapy, my own therapy, and came to that conclusion because in the end it is all up to ME anyways, no one else. It is funny how it can take you so long to get to this place. A place of not caring what people think anymore. It is a long process realizing in the end YOU are all that matters. Just because some doc or person tells me I need to be this or that, I know in the end I know what is right for me, not them. Can you imagine what a world this would be if we could all get here? I believe there would be a lot less bs, a lot less drama, a lot less selfishness of other people putting their crap on other people instead of digging deep and figuring out it is them.

In the end the question comes up again. Am I a quitter? Only I can answer that for myself and only you can answer it for yourself. Take the reins on your life. Decide what is right for you. If something doesn't feel right then maybe it is time to quit. You know the saying, quitters never win? Is that really true? If something isn't right for you and you quit maybe, just maybe, you do win. I think that saying should be abolished from ever coming out of anyone's mouth ever again. We are programed to believe we are no good if we quit. That's bull. I'm proof of that. I was feeling the guilt over quitting my last yoga class but now that I am in a new one and I am suffering in the beginning I know it is right. It feels right. The air in the class is much more peaceful, warm, and calming. In this case the quitting became the winning, for me. Are there places in your life you need to meditate on and decide you need to quit? Maybe yes, maybe no, in the end it is all up to you.

God Bless!

Dianne