If I had one wish I could fulfill it would be that people could be a little more understanding of one another. I know we are all different and many people don't know how to be mindful of others, it is understandable, but is it really that hard? My one wish would be that people would at least try to understand one another and if they don't ask questions.
This struck me hard the past few weeks at yoga class. The instructors are wonderful and kind at the place I am going now. I like that, being treated like you are important to the class and they are glad to have everyone who is there. I do not have much tolerance for rude people. I can feel if there is good or bad energy when I walk into a room and this place has a peaceful calmness to it as soon as you walk through the door. The smell is wonderful and the yoga room has no windows or mirrors. It is dark and the music is soft and soothing which automatically relaxes you without even having to think about it. I love this place.
I have told the instructors about my health issues and reactions are curious to me. I don't think they have many people with chronic illness who attend. I didn't blurt my issues out in class to everyone but made them known to the instructors. They understand, but do they? I feel like they still don't get it. I might not be able to do things that the others can do but am encouraged to do so. I totally believe in that approach on most levels in my life as "I can't" has never really been an option for me or for anyone in my home. I don't like it when people say "I can't." Well, guess what? Here I am in yoga doing certain poses talking to myself and mumbling "I can't." The truth is I really can't. Yes, I know yoga is very difficult and you won't get stronger if you don't do it but my set of rules is much different then most. I know if others do all the poses they might be a little sore the next day but for me my sore is pain, weakness, and fatigue. My neck is not doing well at all. I am very worn out today from doing yoga yesterday and I didn't sleep well because of the pain I experienced all night. When I push my body along with the normal world my consequences are extreme and different than most. Instead of feeling better I feel worse. No one understands this. Yesterday as I was in a pose my hands were tingling and prickling like crazy. I know that certain pose is one that is not right for me so I told her and we stopped and moved on. I know my yoga has to be gentle and that is all there is to it. I have to somehow figure out how to explain it better to the instructors. It isn't easy for me to do because I am not one who likes to talk about how I feel physically, most people don't care anyways, so it is easier to keep it to myself and move along with the crowd.
I am in a state of confusion right now. I know I just started back doing yoga and I cannot expect results in just four sessions. I remember the last time it took about three months to feel the rewards. I will push on keeping my eye on the prize, the end where pain diminishes and I begin to feel better. I have to remember and keep the focus on the fact that I am different in a room full of people. I have to remember that even if there were another person next to me with chronic illness we are both different. What they may be able to do I can't or vice versa. They may have a totally different reaction than I from the exact same poses. I have to accept that I can't do it all and I have to learn to speak up and say, "No this pose isn't right for me, at least not yet." It's Okay. It's Okay. It's Okay. I have to keep telling myself It's Okay because if I don't more and more of me dies inside as I watch others, even women who are much older than I, do better and it is painful. It breaks me apart inside to see them do so well as I struggle, shake, tingle, etc, through each pose. I must work very hard mentally telling myself we are all different. Don't compare yourself! Keep the eye on the prize, less pain later. Once again I make a choice. Yoga or no yoga? I have to and want to choose yoga. I know and remember the benefits. I want that back. I also realize I am going to have to struggle to get there and it will all be worth it in the end, pain and all!
In the end I realize my wish for others to understand is really my wish for me to understand. I am the one who has to live with all of this. I am the one who has the control. I can't blame any of it on anyone else. I think sometimes when you are ill you get so easily hurt and angered at other people because it is a way for you to take your illness out on someone else instead of accepting it and owning it. I don't know but is sure is a lonely world to live in when you have chronic illness, maybe a little self understanding is all we need even more than for the world to understand.
God Bless!
Dianne
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