Here it goes again, diet # hummm infinity? Or beyond? Seriously, I have started and stopped so many diets I think I should hold a spot in the Genius World Records. It gets old and the older you get you begin to not care about what the world says about how you should look. I don't care but with that being said I also know, for me anyways, it is about the health part. I know when I eat a whole bag of M&M in one day vs eating fruit and veggies another day there is a huge difference in how I feel. When I eat crap I am much more swollen, achy and just plain lazy. The same goes for not drinking enough water. The days I consume enough I have more energy and the days I don't ughhhh you know, tired and sluggish.
Then there is the # on the scale. I must admit I have never been the number person like on the television shows where they have their goal weight. Getting yelled at because they won't make it to their # if they don't step it up a notch. I shy away from the weight loss shows these days because I believe the world tells us to focus on a # and not on the inside of ourselves. Our soul. I am overwhelmed by the superficialness of the world. People who have all the stuff on the outside to make it look like they are so put together but on the inside they are a mess. The # is just that a # and probably why I don't weight myself much. Although I must admit I have been on the scale a few times in the last month and it almost gave me a stroke each time. I am so mad with myself for letting myself go that all it does is make me not care even more. Which in turn makes me want to eat more because I look at it in the sense that I can't do it again, lose all the weight, only to gain it back. It gets old and almost scary.
Another hard part for me is the humiliation of having to go to doctors and get weighed every time. Probably what makes my case much different than most. I have great doctors who never say anything about it but we both know it is there, the #. It changes like the wind. It makes me feel bad that I screwed up once again when I have an appointment and the # is higher. We both know that the extra weight is not good for my joints, or for my body in general. You would think knowing that all the drugs I take also puts me at even higher risk for heart attack, stroke, etc that I would work hard to do better. It isn't easy. I know my eating is emotional. When I get stressed I eat. I make it better by telling myself I have no other vices. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't this, I don't that, so I enjoy the foods I love. Usually Italian or sweets. What a great combination huh? I have to change my way of thinking. It is all a process.
I decided instead of saying this Monday I am starting a diet over and over and over that this past Monday WAS the day! I took the books out I have on the clean eating and started looking at the recipes and notes I had written in the past and started out with a plan. I went to the store and stocked up on the "goods" so to speak. The healthy goods. I am really making a change for the better and last night, which was Wednesday, I told Rich I am already feeling better with more energy. He is a good support but the problem with Rich is that he loves me. I could be a beached whale and he would tell me I look good. I am glad he is like that but sometimes I wish he would tell me I need to get healthier. If it came from him I may care a little more than I do. But, on the other side of the coin I have decided I don't need to do this for Rich or my doctors or anyone else. I have to do it for ME! I know how I feel when I screw up and I know how I feel when I eat clean. I also know which one I like better. It is all a choice I must make and in the end it is all up to me and no one else.
My other problem is the exercise component. It is so easy, for all of us, to make the excuses. I won't list them because we have all been making them for years. Again, this is between you and yourself only. You don't need to compare yourself to someone else. You may think you have to do as much as someone you know but you don't. Walking, even for ten minutes a day is more than you were doing when you were doing nothing. Going to an exercise class you enjoy is up to you. The instructor is not going to come to your door to pick you up and say, "It is time to go, now come on." It must be the voice inside yourself. Don't stay away because you might be the biggest one there or the weakest one there. The more you go and after so many weeks you will get stronger and stronger and you will be proud of YOU when you make progress. You will start to see you had it in YOU all along.
I signed up for a new yoga class at a new place last night. Was it easy? NO! I have been thinking about it for weeks. Intimidated with my thoughts. The what ifs? I was nervous all day yesterday before the class but after it felt good to get back into it. The first time is always the hardest especially if you go alone. When the class started it wasn't easy at all and there were poses I didn't do but at least I made the first move and went. I was the first one there waiting in the room and one by one the college age girls came in. One, two, three, oh my! But, I was there and that is what mattered. There was no going back now, money paid, and here. The first steps accomplished! Were the young girls better than me? Of course. They haven't birthed any children and they were 25-30 years younger than me so of course they were better. I didn't care. I made it there and patted myself on the back for taking that first step. Believe me no one watches each other anyways you are too busy working hard to worry about your neighbor.
The first step. Only YOU can make it. Someone my encourage you but in the end it is all up to YOU. I decided I don't want to keep eating trash and gaining weight. I decided I have to take control and not let my emotions control what I eat. Am I still going to screw up? For sure, I already know that. But this time it feels different. I feel more in control for some reason. I keep thinking to myself that I have to quit making the excuses and start to become aware. Not only aware of what I put in my mouth but aware of the whole picture. It isn't about beating yourself up it is about making yourself feel good and I have taken the first step. Want to join me?
God Bless!
Dianne
Kindred spirits!
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