There sure is a lot of talk about being thankful and grateful these days. I see posts on facebook about the thirty day challenge to write one thing down each evening about something you are grateful for. It makes me wonder when we arrived to a place in this life where we forget to be thankful. We are so busy being pulled from one place to another that we only think about what we can get next or where we need to go next. I never understood the mentality of always having to hurry up and move onto the next thing. Even before I got sick I didn't think like that. I never understood why we always had to have plans on the weekend or we had to be here or do that. I don't understand how people can be bored. It makes me crazy when I read or hear someone say that. I always enjoyed being home and I still do. Sitting outside in a chair listening to nature or meditating on my life, not in a selfish way, but just in helping myself get to some sort of peace.
I think I am getting close to figuring out why I was always searching for a peace. Ever since I had medication changes my body and my head have been screwed up and I'm not going to lie about it. You wouldn't know if you saw me on the street or out and about but the struggle is going on behind the scenes. I cannot believe taking away a few meds can make a person almost nuts in the head but believe me they can. I also must write I am grateful. Grateful for those changes in meds because they have helped change my personality in some ways. I have been working on the inside much more and all by myself I might add. I have grown leaps and bounds in the past eight months or so. Grown to a deeper understanding of many of the things I didn't understand in the past. An understanding that has led me to the place approaching real fast, the place of a peace that is almost hard to explain. I can say that all of this internal work has helped me to finally be able say I am not worrying about the stupid things people say or do anymore. I am disconnected from all the negative energy that I have allowed into my life in the past. The people, who in the past, may have gotten me so upset that I would cry or be hurt for days? Not anymore! It feels good to write that. It is true. In the past if certain things happened I might lose sleep for days but I have gotten to the place of peace now. I cannot explain this peace but I know it is a good peace. A peace God would want for me. A peace that when I see certain people it is almost like my soul tells me it's okay just walk away. It works!
I am also beginning to realize I have lived most of my years for other people, nothing wrong with that, right? Wrong! Yes, we do need to do for others but the whole, you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, was always just a line of words to me. I never took the time to really do that. I mean really, what mother does? Plus if you do that you are selfish, at least the way I was taught. Now as I look back I realize how wrong that was. It wasn't being selfish at all it was quite the opposite. We run ourselves ragged trying to make everyone else happy we seldom take time to make ourselves happy. It is just the way life is, right? Yup I use to think that way too but now as I look back I think it is a huge mistake I made. I didn't make it as a mother because no matter what the kids always came first but I made it in other relationships and I made it being way to involved in other things, programs, church, school. In doing so I was the one who suffered. If I had to regret anything when my children were growing up it was the fact that I did it all. I wish I could take it all back and do it over but now I just have to be at peace with those choices. They are over and I can only learn from them now as I look back.
As I move into my fifties I am finally learning. Learning that I really did have the power in me all along I just never used it. The power to walk away from those toxic relationships and not feel bad about it. The power to not worry about what someone said to me. The power to not care anymore if I couldn't go somewhere or do something someone else thought I should do. The power to say, "NO," to people. The power to not worry about making sure I always entertained to keep people together. It wasn't my job, so to speak, to keep people connected. If people want relationships with other people it wasn't up to me to make them get together it was and still is up to them. If they want it they can do it. I'm wore out worrying about everyone else and not worrying about me. Does that sound selfish? Well, you know what? If it does I don't care anymore then I'm selfish. Finally my soul is at peace. Peace with the world and peace within. In the end I'm not sure what else we could ask for besides being grateful that we/I have finally made it and it is all beginning to make a little more sense with each passing day. So the words above, "You've always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself, are finally, finally, finally making sense to me and for that I am grateful!
God Bless!
Dianne
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