Insomnia Sminsomnia

Insomnia? Are you kidding me? Yup, my latest diagnosis. Really? I cannot wrap my head around this one at all. I really can't. I have been struggling with it for a few months now since the Xanax pull trying to figure it out. I can't agree that is my diagnosis. What do you think of when you hear the word insomnia? I think of someone staring at the ceiling not sleeping at all, not someone who has a hard time falling asleep but once there is out.

According to my mother as soon as she gave birth to me I was not a sleeper at all. I came out eyes wide open. Just like me, I never miss a thing, still. Okay, maybe the old Dianne never missed a thing, this new one misses a lot more than she should. Insomnia? I don't think so. As I grew my mother tells me I would crawl out of my crib and crawl into a corner and cry. It got so bad they had to put a net over the crib to keep me in there. I'm pretty sure that would be child abuse now a days but back then we use to ride in the back seat of the car up against the window on the ledge, so caging your child must have been common practice. But really if you think about it what were they suppose to do to make me sleep? Insomnia? humm, at age two?I grew into my own big girl bed and had issues there too. I had the creepiest room in the house. I swear it was haunted and I will leave it at that. I didn't sleep much. I mostly laid there with my eyes open worrying about school or the boogie man under my bed always pulling the covers over my head to protect me. I grew up more and we moved. I was in 3rd grade and I couldn't wait for that summer move to get out of that creepy bedroom that I never slept in. Ahhh, the move came and I had hope of sleep. I was much more relaxed in my new bedroom that didn't have any boogie men under the bed. You would think I could sleep. Nope. The older I got I begged for a small tv one Christmas so I had something to help get me sleepy. I finally got one in the later years and I was able to fall asleep better. My problem is not the sleep, not at all, my problem is the falling asleep part. This has followed me into adulthood. Insomnia? I really don't thinks so since it has been with me since birth. I believe my brain works differently. That is why I was so happy when I found the Xanax. It did the job perfectly for me. I was finally, after 46 years,  able to fall asleep. It was my answer until my new doctor said no more. I miss it so. I am hardly able to function lately. My whole personality has changed. I am exhausted to say the least. I have another sleeping pill to take which helps but I hate it because it affects my memory and then I can't sleep the next two nights after I take it. Insomnia? Yes! I feel like I do have it now because I am up all night long. This is sheer torture. I don't remember it being this much torture before the Xanax.

Yes, I know what you are thinking, get a sleep test. Do you want to hear about that nightmare? I had one about ten years ago. It was horrible from the first time I met the sleep doc. He told me I needed to lose 100 lbs. Seriously? Okay I will be skin and bone and never eat asshole. I was so rude to him and he knew I was pissed. I told him that I wouldn't sleep at the test because I don't fall asleep and when I travel I never sleep so I knew this test was a bad idea. "Oh don't worry our tech's know how to get you to sleep." I went. I didn't sleep. At four thirty am the tech came in and asked if I wanted to leave because there wasn't enough time to do the test. I said, "Yes, I told the doc I wasn't going to sleep but apparently he knows my body better than I do". Man, I was pissed to say the least. I get a call from his nurse the next day that he wants me to go back. I asked her if she was kidding me. Then, she said Mr jerkface wanted to meet with me again in the office and I told her I had to think about it. In the meantime my primary doc called and asked me to go back. I did. He apologized, which after the lose weight comment, his apology meant nothing. I did go back but this time he gave me two ambien pills which knocked me out. I felt like I was on some kind of high I just wanted to come out of. I slept to some degree but I remember feeling awake the whole night. The test came back showing little to no sleep problem but he wanted to start me on some sort of seizure meds at bedtime so I slept deeper. I said, "Are you kidding me?" I was so drugged up no wonder I couldn't sleep, geeze. I went home and researched the medication and decided I was having no part of that. What a waste of my time and money not to mention the insurance money. The WORST experience I have ever had in my life medically. My Neuro mentioned a sleep study the last time I saw him. I didn't say anything all the while thinking in my head there is no way in hell I am doing that again. He assured me you can even do it at home now. We will see. For now the answer is no but who knows what the future brings.

Sleep is so important. I have gained over ten pounds since the drop of the Xanax, not changing my diet at all. It must be true what they say, No sleep and you gain weight. I never believed that but now I do, especially since the ten came on over night, so it seemed. I am frustrated, exhausted, and feel like I am loosing a part of myself. I hate to continue on like this. I am looking forward to talking with my Rheumatologist in a month to see what she has to say about this. I trust her judgement totally as she has been instrumental in relieving my symptoms. I don't know what I would do without her. As for now I press on. Another issue. Insomnia? No? Yes? Maybe? I hope not! All I want is a good night sleep is that too much to ask for? I am staying positive and hanging onto the hope that seeing Dr Key the matter will get resolved somehow.

God Bless!

Dianne