Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Another Train

I stumbled upon a song a few weeks ago on the radio while flipping through the stations asking myself if there is any good music these days. Then she appeared out of no where on a station I had never heard of. Mary Gauthier. The song was long and about love so of course I was hooked. The music captured my attention right away and I fell in love instantly when her voice as she began to sing the words. It was a song about what sounded like an accident of some sort. When I got home I searched and searched the lyrics I wrote down in the car in hopes of finding the song but most importantly the artist. Finally after a bit of searching she appeared. I listened to the song again and after a few replays I was hooked even more. I found out she had a new record that was recently released called Trouble and Love. I hit Amazon and found it knowing I had to add it to my collection. In the meantime I did more research on this mysterious Mary Gauthier and found the record has a total of eight songs written about the breakup she had with her girlfriend. I got the CD the other day and popped it in listening closely to each lyric she wrote about her pain. It was heart wrenching to say the least. I could feel her pain in her lyrics and my heart ached for her but a funny thing happened as I listened to the whole record, the last song. Another Train. The scorn of a love gone bad. You know how that is, we all do. You think in the beginning you can never love again but a funny thing happens over time the healing. You move on through the pain and you begin to know there will be another love, Another Train. You pick up the pieces and you begin to live again. The pain is still there but it begins to heal like the time you skinned your knee when you feel off your bike. You bled, you healed over, but the scar is still there. You learned you have to be careful riding over those rocks because they leave scars when you fall but you pick your bike back up and you petal again. Love is no different. Rich and I laugh a lot about the fact that I would have to remarry if something happened to him. I would, it's no secret I need a man in more ways than one. Then funny part is he says he will never RIP if I remarry because he knows I'll be with another man. Hahaha see why I crack up? It brings me such a weird sense of joy to jab him with that once in a while. On the flip side I always tell him I would want him to remarry if I go first but he wants no talk of that. Love lost that heals over time. Another train. We see it all the time. We question it and wonder at times how people can just move on like they do but we never take into consideration what the tracks might look like if the situation were ours and we were on that side of the tracks. Understanding. Love. Compassion.

Illness in it's own way is like Another Train. A train that comes in and out of the station sometimes ripping our heart out the same way a love gone bad does. It's not just the specific illness you deal with but all the crap that drags along with it like when a branch or twig is stuck in the wheels of the train. It drags with you on a daily basis like a bad dream. I sit here right now with neck pain that I haven't experienced in a while but that's okay there's Another Train. The train of knowing this too shall pass just like the heartbreak we feel in love. When you are chronically ill there are the days you are on a slow moving train like a caboose trying to keep up with the mighty engine. Chug a chug you can do it, you can do it, and you will do it. You know the train you are on at the time might suck but you also keep in the back of your head there is Another Train. See it? There it is! It might be on a totally different track, miles away, but you know it's there. You keep that train on your radar because no matter how bad things get you know you will have better days ahead to live life to it fullest. Hope.

I forget how much stress plays a role in chronic illness until I am reminded as I was last night. We are building our house and it has been some what of a nightmare from the get go but we move full steam ahead despite being derailed more than once. I was told I hadn't picked out house items that needed to be done a few weeks ago when in actuality I had them all picked out and did it as soon as I was told to but the salesman didn't write a thing down. Really? Really?? If you know me I am a no nonsense person if you ask me to do something I'm going to do it. I expect the same from others hence the reason I was pissed. Do not tell me I didn't do something when I did it. I hung up the phone and was fuming and asked Rich if anyone can do their job right anymore. It seems we all want these big salaries but don't have the work ethic to deserve the pay. I didn't sleep well last night which is the reason I am up at the computer so early in the morning. I woke up at four AM and began to stew. I couldn't talk to the salesman I dealt with because after I got the information last night he was already out of the office. I'm pretty sure that was all in the plan since my hot-headedness can explode when I am at the peak of being pissed. Sleeping on it and waking up at four AM made me think about Another Train. I laid on the pillow thinking I am going to find another place to go and just order from somewhere else but then I thought Another Train. I have to remember to not get so worked up and mad. There are times I have to pull back and take a breath but you see that is another thing that has been taken from me because of illness. I don't get out much so when things go wrong they are huge for me. I'm really not upset about him not writing the selections down, well kind of, I'm more mad because now I have to drive forty-five minutes back to the showroom, spend time picking out the same things I already picked out, drive forty-five minutes back home only to have my day be over. Yes, over. The energy it takes me and others with chronic illness to do the minor inconviences to most is unexplainable. I lose a day because someone can't do a simple job? It makes me furious. Plus I have lost three to four hours of sleep from the stress. I need that sleep in order to help my body heal itself. I know no one understands this but for me it is life. Ouch, my neck. Pretty sure stress and lack of sleep are not helping this matter which in turn means I will have to wrestle with the idea of taking a muscle relaxer or living in my head telling myself it will get better. Another Train. I need to hop on Another Train and change my way of thinking because if I don't it will all compile into more and more stress that I just don't need right now. I woke up telling myself to watch for Another Train, the one that is full of love, goodness, and health. I am going to try to find that train and if it is off in the distance a long ways down the track I will still keep my eye on it. If I don't what was the point of getting out of bed.

God Bless!