Monday, October 29, 2012

It Is Okay To Live For Yourself

I saw this on facebook today and I believe it is true, at least I use to anyway. I truly believe the first three lines, but as it gets half way through the forth line I start to have an issue. It isn't always true that you get what you give, for me anyways. In fact, sometimes you can give and give and give and still get kicked in the teeth. It is funny this would come up today in my news feed as I have been struggling with this for quite a few years and even more over the past few weeks but especially this weekend. Things have happened over a certain span of time for me that make me wonder about a lot of things. I read about karma, what goes around comes around. I see other things that say bad, mean, rude, selfish people will get it back when karma bites them in the ass. Really? It's funny to me because some of the things I have witnessed and thought would never happened to me have happened and I haven't seen karma do anything about it. I think we use the karma thing to make ourselves feel better so we #1 don't explode or #2 don't open a can of whoop ass on people, once again for me anyways. Well, that and a husband who won't let you open that can.

I also believe you really can do good and give, give, give, but never really get anything in return. I am not talking in a sense of getting anything in a material sense but just a thank you. I know this is not coming across in the way I want it to at all. I have stories I wish I could tell here to give examples but once again I can't. I have come to realize the selfish ways of the world seem to be taking over and that is just the way it is. Over the past few years, but especially the past year, I have decided to cut lose some of that negative stuff and people from my life. It hasn't really helped me to understand why people can be so rude and treat me so wrong but it has helped me to not have to deal with some, not all, of their inconsiderate actions and or words. How some people can treat another human being so awful is something I will never understand. The hardest part is when you are tied to certain people and you can't just take an eraser and erase them, their drama and their bad energy . Relationships are hard but they get even harder when they are a one way street. There are the times you must take the higher ground and realize whatever you do it will never be enough. There are the people out there who are so unhappy with themselves that they enjoy making everyone else miserable with them, at least that is another conclusion I have come to.

Whatever the answer is I am not 100% sure, but I do believe there are times you don't have to always try to make everyone's life happy or seem okay, that is their job. When they begin to drag you down time and time again I believe it is okay to move on. It seems life is like that. You go through cycles. Think about your life over time gone by. You begin to see patterns or friendships that came in cycles and when they ran their course or your purpose in that relationship was done you moved on. It isn't a bad thing it is just the way life works. The more I think about it the karma is for us. For us to deal with all the bad that goes on out there.Yes, we still need to love and care, but when the line is crossed and you are the one doing all the caring and giving in any relationship it is time to let it go. It is time to pack it up and move on taking your karma lesson with you. I have finally come to this point in my life. I have struggled for years trying to do and make certain people happy. I have sacrificed a piece of myself in the process and a piece of my sanity. These sacrifices have not helped my illness at all. Making changes in your life when you are ill, even deleting people from your life, are all okay changes. I don't know why we think we need permission to do it. I sometimes think it is a spiritual thing for me. I am a christian so I think I can't do things like this because it goes against everything I believe, or someone will use my faith against me or call me a hypocrite. I now know that being a Christian doesn't mean I am perfect it just means I need Jesus, even more in certain situations. After all I am human and a sinner. I try. I really do, but this world makes it awful difficult to always do what is right. You must learn to do what is right for your own state of mind and your own physical health. I can't believe God would punish me for that.

Today is a new day. I am learning slowly but surely how to let go and move on from the draining selfish people in my life, are you?

God Bless!


Friday, October 26, 2012

It's A Good Day

Shout it from the roof top, "IT'S A GOOD DAY!"

I am sure many people who read this are wondering why I would have to write such a simple sentence like it's a good day After all most people wake up in the morning feeling good and after they wake up they are ready to face the world and ready to face whatever is throw at them on that particular day. You know how it is- the real world rolls out of bed, drinks their coffee, takes their showers, and heads out for the day. For a chronically ill person the scenario is a little bit different. Rolling out of bad on many days is just a little bit harder as our feet his the ground. There are the days that are torture when our feet hit the ground. Sharp stabbing pains, stiffness that needs to be taken care of before the day starts. Brain fog, muscle weakness, and waking up feeling like you never slept. Of course all of these depend on how much inflammation you are experiencing on any given night or how you sleep you were able to get out of your bad nights.

I am happy that I woke up today feeling pretty normal with the exception of my foot. I have had some wicked inflammation going on for the past few weeks but today it feels much better. Do I dare say I feel like a normal person? Almost! I will answer yes because, for me, days like this almost allow me to feel normal. You all know when you are ill doing the littlest things may slam you down into the pit so when you are ill you are forced to pick and choose what you will do for the day. I am happy to say that I am feeling so good that I am going to go to the grocery store. Big deal, right? Yup! It is a big deal. The big deal for me is that I actually feel like going. Grocery shopping is usually a huge chore that I rarely do or should I say rarely do alone so feeling good enough to go and not having to force myself to go just to prove to myself and the world that I can. I actually feel strong enough to go. Saying that, I have no idea what will happen when I get there. I may make it half way through my list and have to check out but that is okay. If I make it through the whole list it will give me the feeling of earning some kind of badge of courage. I know that makes no sense to most people but for me it is huge. If I am able to do it all I can see Rich's face and him giving me a high five because he gets it.

I have to go, I cannot waste my good energy writing. So here's to a good day and hoping it lasts more than a few hours. We shall see. In the meantime I will cherish every minute of feeling like a normal person. I will forget the drugs. I will forget about having to rest after every little thing I do. But I will not forget how blessed I am to be given a good day and I will use it the best I can.

God Bless!


Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Foot Issue Continues As It All Does

Well, guess what? Back to the foot doc yesterday for my annoying foot problem. Most of you reading this know I have been dealing with so called plantar fasciitis since February of this year. I don't really understand why I have to keep going back every month other than the fact of feeling like I am flushing another thirty bucks down the toilet and wasting insurance money. This continues to be a nuisance and I am so sick of it even though it has now become an odd sort of way of life for me. You know how it is when you have something so long you just adjust to it and live with it. It is pretty much the same every time I go except for yesterday. New treatment plan number three hundred fifty.

Doctor gave me the dreaded night splint to try out to see if it helps with the morning pain. When he told me he wanted me to try the splint I was fine until he left the room and the nurse came back with the splint. It was at that moment I almost lost it. I was thankful she left the door open because if she had closed it I am pretty sure I would have had a few tears flowing. I had a rough night with a lot of neck pain so I was wore to the core already. Having to go to another doctor is stressful in and of itself but when no sleep and pain are piled on top it makes it ten times worse. I looked at the opened door and slapped myself upside the head and subconsciously told myself, "Get your big girl pants on and do not cry, do not cry!" I sat there and allowed her to put it on and explain it to me all the while thinking you have got to be kidding me. I have about had it with this foot.

Last night I sat in the chair and wore the stylish boot for a few hours before bed without much problem. When I went to bed I finally found a good position for comfort, I love when that happens! After a few hours I woke up with a numb tingly foot so needless to say the boot was torn off by a pissed off psycho and thrown on the floor hard enough to wake Rich up. I must say I was thankful he didn't ask me how I was for once. He tends to worry way to much so I was glad he didn't ask. I fell back asleep and woke up with a foot/lower ankle swollen more than usual. I knew when the nurse was putting the thing on me this was going to happen. I even confronted her with it and she said if that happens call back. You see when a chronically inflamed person has any pressure, at least for me, on joints that are already swollen it just causes more swelling. It is all a part of the cycle but it seems not many in the medical field get it. Needless to say, I may try the boot one more time but I must think about it and talk to Rich before I do. So, another hundred bucks may well be flushed down the toilet. You can see how chronic illness and having one issue after another not only becomes a physical and emotional game but also a huge financial drain. You spend money on things that you cannot return and if they don't work, too bad, you are stuck with them. Please send payment by such and such a date.

Today I will push on. I will keep an open mind and laugh. Laugh as I think of myself sitting in the chair last night with an ice pack on my neck, another on my back, the heating pad under my knees, and the boot on my foot. Hahaha that is a funny picture. I will hear my husband tell me, "I like your hair like that you should keep it like that," echoing in my ears. Although it is very painful for me to process all of it. At the age of fifty I did not picture my physical health or life to be like this at all, but I continue to live it the best I can. Mind over matter! Plus, I am still here so it all must be for some reason. Good or bad.

God Bless!


Monday, October 22, 2012

I've had it!

I am so wore out. I am tired. I am sick of this. I wonder about living like this for the rest of my life. Last night I was sitting in the chair with the television blaring in the background and I was thinking about life and about death. I thought to myself I am almost fifty and I could have to live many more years with this illness. Then I began to break it down in size. I thought about the average life span, seventy/eighty, and my brain had a hard time wrapping itself around that. If I live until seventy that means twenty more years of this so I left that thought and allowed my brain to shorten the gap. I brought it down to ten years, living until I was sixty. It seemed like that would make it a little more doable but if you want to know the truth it didn't. It scared the hell out of me. I did not have such a good week or weekend for that matter and when I am not doing well the thoughts of living can be hard, no I am not suicidal so relax. It is just that the thought of this going on and on is exhausting to the core. My frame of mind becomes weak and I become negative and down, something I do not believe in nor do I do very often. I am a total mind over matter person but It seems ever since I have stopped the xanax and my sleep is terribly interrupted I am a mess. The new drug the doctor put me on is dragging my down even more and is not helping me much so I am going to try to find another avenue to help me sleep. I would rather not sleep then feel like a zombie all day. I wonder how much doctors really know about treating patients and tayloring a plan to each persons specific needs. I feel they lump us all into one big group and think what works for one works for all. It isn't so.

I have also been on edge the past few weeks with the election coming up. I have been watching the news more and trying to educate myself on all the issues. I use to be a huge political junkie before I was really ill but after the illness I decided to cut out all politics and just not listen to any of it because it causes way to much stress. Stress and illness do not mix. Since I began listening to it once again I have become much more angry, bitter, and just plain pissed off. I know this is affecting this attitude change I am experiencing with life and people. Today I woke up and decided I am going back to the way I was a month or so ago, no more news! It's like watching a three ring circus anyways so why do I do it? Round and round with no end in sight to anything just people arguing and never changing anything. It pisses me off to no end. This is how I know I need to back away from it all. My eating habits have been horrible. I gained a few to many pounds back and I am so disgusted with myself I could scream. Today I am going to try harder and stick to better eating for more that two days. I think the election stress has added the pounds on. I have to blame it on something other than my own stupidity.

I am in a lull, more than ever before in my life, trying to find a purpose. I have none right now. No job to go to. Yes, I can go help Rich anytime I want but the way my body has been behaving lately it is hard to get out of bed. If I was reading this and someone else was writing it I would assume they were depressed. I don't think I am depressed at all, I am just lost. I feel like I am still trying to figure out how to live with illness as the rest of the world moves on and really doesn't care, not that I expect them to anyways. I have come to the conclusion that this new drug that is for depression that I am taking to sleep is actually causing me to think and feel like a depressed person. I don't need this drug it is blocking my happy hormones and I sure do not need or want that so tonight back to no drugs. It still pisses me off that I was doing okay on the xanax and they rip it away. I am angry with that and when I go to my physical next month I am voicing that to my new doc. I don't need anymore to deal with thank you very much. Can you feel my crabbiness here? I feel like a raging bull who just wants to run through the streets and ram everything in sight. See, this is not me at all.

I feel I need a break. I am once again thinking of getting off facebook. I waste too much time on it, but then I think about it I really don't, but I think if I delete it I can focus on me and my health more. You see, the worst part about facebook for me is reading all the bad stuff. All the negative, sad, etc stuff. Being a extremely compassionate and empathetic person it is hard for me to read what people write because I am able to take it on as my own. I believe this sucks the life and energy out of me too. I need to work on being like most of the world and try to teach  myself to not care so much or not feel so bad about everything I read. I leave facebook and what I read stays with me when I am away, pounding on my brain. The pain I feel for others sucks the energy out of me so I am unable to do and focus on the things that I need to be focusing on. I am sure that makes no sense to others but to me it makes perfect sense, especially since I have been thinking about this all weekend.I need a break and time to focus on me for once, something I have never really done.

Today I will try to move on. I will drink a lot of water to get this crap drug out of my system. I will focus on the good in my life. I will not get angry about the election. I will eat better and not go to the carbs for comfort. I will move my body more. I will keep my mind on the good in my life instead of always trying to fix everyone's problems. If I get down and begin to think to much I will picture Hunter and Addi in my mind and go to that happy place where they are running to me with those smiling faces yelling NANA. No more negative thoughts or energy. No more letting the crap suck the life out of me. I am sure once this evil drug is out of me I will be good as new. This along with changing the eating habits, drinking more water, and moving more should do the trick and maybe, just maybe I will be able to look at twenty to thirty more years here and think, that is doable.

God Bless!


Thursday, October 18, 2012

A Short Story

Chronic illness, is no fun. Inflammation, is no fun. Getting sick every time I am unable to rest or when I overdo it, is no fun. When I am suffering from inflammation one little thing can push me over the edge. Yesterday I wasn't able to rest at all. My neck becomes painful on days like those, that combined with the inflammation always leads to a migraine, hence the reason I was up all night with a migraine. The give and take of chronic illness is the most painful especially when you watch other people take it all for granted. I know when I over do it I will pay it is all a part of the game. Days like yesterday make it all worth the pain and suffering. Today is no good, but yesterday was one of the best days ever! So I will keep going back to that memory file with every stabbing pain my head receives and remember the joy of watching my child achieve a huge milestone in his life. It makes the battle so much easier to remember the good when suffering the bad. The fight continues. It seems it never ends but you learn to take the good with the bad and vice versa. What other choice do I/we have? -The End

God Bless!


Tuesday, October 16, 2012

October 16, 2012

October 16, 2012 will go down in the books as a milestone for me since my journey started with chronic illness. I am finally off the xanax I have been taking for almost four years. The reason I started it in the first place was because of the cervical spine surgery I had in February 2009. It is a long story I will condense the best I can.

I had issues with my neck for years but never realized how bad my situation was. The first MRI I had on my neck was in 2007 at the same time I was going through a million other tests to find out why I was so weak and why my eyes were so screwed up. The Neurologist read me the results of the MRI and said your neck is bad and close enough for surgery. You must understand at that time my head was spinning so out of control between the symptoms and all the tests the comment about how bad my neck was didn't really even enter in my brain. I remember telling him, "Don't tell me that. I don't even want to talk about my neck right now," so we both dropped it, he know it wasn't something we should touch at that time. I remember the exact moment like it was yesterday. I was so weak and so tired all I wanted to do was run out of that office and try to get back to the place where my "old" life was. Looking back now I can see I more than likely will never find that place. The difference is now I am okay with it, back then, not so much.

In the end of 2008 I began seeing a doctor for therapy on my neck as the pain was getting harder and harder to live with, excruciating to say the least. At this point I was on enough drugs to slow down an elephant. I was thankful for the drugs that helped to control the weakness and the pain of the Inflammatory Arthritis.
It was time to deal with the neck, the next issue. You see, when you are ill it is one thing after another. You get over one thing and it is another. Proof is right now. I have everything pretty much under control and I was bragging about it. Idiot, I should now better, now it is my eyes. A new problem, different then the other eye issues I deal with. It never ends and I will learn to deal with this new issue as I do with all the other issues, so the story goes. Back to the neck. When I finally had enough and and the pain was killing me I saw Dr Hayes a doc my daughter worked for. This is when it was a real eye opener as to how bad my neck really was. As soon a Dr Hayes tried, and I mean tried, to work on my neck I had a terrible reaction. He put his hands on the muscle by my cervical spine and the room began to spin instantly. I thought this is it I'm done. I was sick the whole weekend and it was horrible. I will spare the details of all that happened but lets just say it wasn't pretty. When I began to get a little better Dr Hayes suggested another MRI. I went the next weekend and when Dr read the results he said, "You need surgery your neck is terrible." I freaked even though I knew it was coming.

This was October/November of 2008. I went to see the surgeon who agreed with the surgery option as I had two discs which were completely gone. Bone on bone, no wonder I was in so much pain and had such a reaction. Of course my neck muscles were weak because of all the chronic illness so that didn't help anything. We made a date for surgery but there was a problem I was on prednisone and I was going to have to wean myself off it in order to have the surgery. Anyone who knows anything about prednisone knows you cannot stop it cold turkey you must wean off it very slowly. To make a long story short I was off it by February 2009 and was able to have the surgery. A few weeks before the surgery when I went for the pre-op I was having a ton of anxiety about the surgery so I talked to my doc and she started me on a low dose of xanax. Only for night time and only to sleep. It helped. The only problem is I should have stopped it after the surgery but I continued to take it which leads me to this day. The day I have have finally weaned myself off the xanax.

Weaning off any highly addictive drug is not easy at all. You feel like you are losing your mind, to say the least. It wasn't easy but I did it. I am now going to give it a few weeks and try to wean myself down on the medro, which is a form of prednisone. Getting off the xanax was hard but believe me there is nothing harder than weaning off prednisone. I am going to start in the near future working on the prednisone taper. If it isn't the right time my body will tell me. I have said it many times before that when you are ill you do not have control of your life like most people do, your body controls your life. It gets so much easier when you are finally able to accept that. It is a long hard process to finally accept it and live the best life possible, prednisone or no prednison. You do what you have to do to get through each day.

Today, October 16, 2012, I will celebrate. The normal world probably cannot understand my joy. It is a monumental day for me. I can still feel my body adjusting to the shock. The shock of having a drug ripped away from it, but I know as my body evens itself out it will be much happier off the drug. Being able to wean off the xanax gives me hope that the prednisone taper will go as well. I have tried tapering off the prednisone before and have failed miserably. I take 6 mg a day and even a little drop can send me into a tail spin of symptoms. I always have to outweigh the good with the bad. My eyes are always affected when I drop the prednisone so I have to decide do I want to continue the drug so I can see or do I want to sacrifice my ability to see or read? Right now with the other new eye issue going on I am trying to figure out when would be the right time to start the taper. I have decided it might be better to see what my Neuro-Opthamologist has to say when I see him in a few weeks that way it gives me a few weeks to process another HUGE change in my daily regimen and also gives my body the time it needs to adjust to no xanax. It is funny when you are ill it feels like you are two separate people. the person in your head and the body. It is hard to explain that concept. For me, my body does not fit my head or my soul. They are not a perfect match what so ever but you learn to deal with both and do the best you can.

God Bless!


Saturday, October 13, 2012

The Switch Has Turned Again

I was sitting here sipping my cup of coffee and wondering how in the world and what in the world I have done different this week as I feel like a somewhat person. Oh don't worry, I'm not. The drugs and pain are still there but at ease somewhat. I woke up on Tuesday or Wednesday, I can't remember what day, but I felt like the switch had turned once again. What is the switch? It is the switch that controls my life and many others who live with chronic illness. The one that decides if I will be so weak, tired, in pain, etc. It is also the switch that will decide if I will feel okay to be able to do even just a little bit more than I am able to do when I am down. I have grown to both love and hate the switch. On weeks like this I love it. I wish the switch had turned itself on last week when we were out of town but you learn to take what you get and enjoy whatever you are given each day. Good switch, bad switch you deal with it in one way or another.

The worst part about the switch is the mind games it plays with your head. When my switch is turned on, so to say, I feel like I am in a field of wild flowers running with my head up in the clouds taking in the smell of the goodness and fresh air. I love days like that/this to say the least. On the days the switch has turned to the bad side I feel more like a pig stuck in the mud trying to pull myself out and unable to move. It is the bitter part of the game. If you let it, the switch could make you a lunatic. You learn to be strong. You have to. You must control the mind games the switch plays on your head. If you don't it really will eat you alive if you let it. You can't let it so you learn to fight it. You have to take the good days and run through those fields of wildflowers and do more of the things you love and be happy you can do them without taking any of it for granted. The bad days are a different story but you live through them pushing on to and remembering the good days or weeks like this and dream of getting back to them. Then there is the thoughts that if I am good maybe this time I will stay in the good forever and I am cured. It hasn't happened yet but I dream of it every time I feel this well. You must never give up that hope!

Once again I sit here the past few days daydreaming or more dissecting what in the world did I do different to be feeling better? Yes, I ate more healthy this week so is that it? But then again last night I ate two brownies so why am I still good today? I am almost off the xanax, very close to being totally weaned off. Is that the reason? For the past three and a half years has that been the reason? I started the yoga class and have been having better posture which in turn has helped my neck to some degree this week, is that it? Do you see what I mean about how you can drive yourself into bonkersville trying to figure it all out? Oh well whatever it is I am going to enjoy it because I never know in a few hours from now the switch could flip and bite me in the ass.

With all of this goodness I am experiencing this week I still wait with a slight caution wondering and waitng. It never goes away cause I know how the switch operates. I know when I am this good I have to be very careful. If I over do it, wham the switch can turn. I still have to respect the illness as my commander and chief. The ruler of all things good and bad. It is a sad and hard thing to have to always be mindful of but it has also taught me how to be ever grateful for the good days when I am able to forget about the switch even if it is for only a few hours or minutes.

God Bless!


Tuesday, October 9, 2012


Vacation is one of those love hate relationships. You love when it starts but you hate when it ends. I am so thankful to have had a few days away with Rich! I always feel so bad when he has to go back to work after he takes some time off but that is life. You have to work in order to be able to play and Rich works hard. It is very good for him to take some time away from all the stress and just relax. He left me a note this morning telling me that he felt refreshed so that is a good sign, now to get him away from the office more often will be the challenge.

I am very happy that Rich is refreshed and able to go back to work in a different frame of mind. You know how that is? You go on vacation and come back a new person, to some degree. It helps you to focus better, you don't feel worn out, and you are ready to get back to whatever it is you do. The question I have is, "How come I don't feel refreshed at all?" I had the same vacation Rich had. I did the same things he did but I still feel exhausted to the core. My fatigue went no where. My pain stayed and to be honest became worse because of riding in the car so much. My hip is hurting again which hasn't been a problem in a while. My foot is still painful. I had a migraine, slight as it was, it was still there. My neck pain is no better. I am still weak and become weaker the more I use my muscles.Yes, I had the same vacation as Rich but for me the vacation has left me no better off than before me left, at least from a physical standpoint. Although I enjoyed spending some alone time away with Rich I still believe life isn't fair, it never is. To get away from all the stresses of life is a good thing whether you are ill or not! I cannot stress that enough. Time away is still good.

I ended the vacation last night with the very very beginners yoga class. It went well and I learn a lot. We learned how we are suppose to stand and walk opposed to the way we all do it wrong. We worked on this the whole hour and believe me it is hard to try to stand the right way when you have done it wrong for so long. We are to work on this standing and walking thing all week and I am faithfully going to do it. Once we learned how to stand we learned how to walk. It is really awkward to say the least but I will tell you that walking the right way makes you move faster and feel like you are bouncing instead of dragging yourself along. It also releases the pain that you put on your muscles and your spine so it actually felt like you had less pain instantly.  I felt refreshed more after leaving the class than I had from the vacation. I am optimistic this may be the thing for me. The one exercise I may be able to do without causing more pain or major flares coming on after the fact. You see, when I do exercises the same exercises most people do, even for a short time, it can send me into a flare and I can be down for days. I have to be very careful what I do and how I do it. I hope this is my answer! When I left the class I decided I would sign up for the next class after this one which is called very beginners yoga. I am starting out s-l-o-w but that is what I need to do for myself. We are all different and we all must learn what works. It has been years for me and I am still trying to find it. The magic that works for me. I have tried many things and I will continue to do so until I find the one. I am hoping this is it! Yoga!

I am blessed among all the obstacles I face with chronic illness. I hope that you can feel the same way. I hope you can keep your mind headed in a positive direction with all you have to deal with. If we do not keep the focus on positive and goodness the battle becomes harder and it makes the illness even worse. I know on the days I am down and sad it affects my pain and weakness. Here's to you and me. Fighting this and keeping a smile on our face, in our hearts, and in our minds, that is the only way we are going to win this and become refreshed!



Sunday, October 7, 2012

My Personal Goals

Rich and I just got back from a two night get away. We spent most of our time riding around looking at the beautiful fall colors and taking a few short walks. It was a perfect get away except for one thing. It was way too short. When we first started talking about going to the UP we were excited and were talking about visiting some good friends in Hancock Michigan. We tentatively planned to go up there on Saturday and stay until Sunday and leave after the church service at the church where our friend and his wife serve. Well, if you know me at all or know all my struggles we are now home and did not go that far north. It is just to hard for me to even take a few days away and continue to burn the extra energy. If you know me and read my entries you know what happens when I over do it, so nothing extra was added to the weekend.

We are now home and along with our color show we had a lot of conversation. Conversations that I am sure many people are having right now. Elections talk, ughhh, as much as I hate it because of the stress the elections bring with all the round and round that goes on. All the lies, all the crap. Enough said.

I actually did pretty well physically but we did spend a lot of time in the car so it would be no surprise I did okay. I would have loved to be able to walk through some of our destination but I am just to out of shape and weak. When we reached one destination there was a sign with a walking trail. It pained me so because I really wanted to go all the way. We went a little ways and I reminded Rich that I have to be able to make it back to the car and we better not walk too far. He knows and he agreed. It is so painful for me when that happens. I know he, and most others, can walk the trail with no problem and not have to think about getting back but for me the end is always in mind in regards to my body and physical shape. Believe me I am not using that for an excuse as most people think. It is just that the body rules and not the, I wants, that are in my head. I understand it is hard for many people to understand that concept because they have never had an experience that has made them have to understand this, and until they do, they never will. It is like many things in life. You don't know what it is like to lose a parent until you do, and so on. I am fortunate Rich does understand. It makes it so much easier as I know of others who have husbands who don't.

I felt like I accomplished so much on this trip. The biggest thing is I went. Yes, that is a huge deal, just going, just getting out of the house. the energy it took to just pack was horrific. I know that sound crazy and ridiculous because for most that is the minor inconvenience of going on a trip. I packed, I went, and I had a nice time so that is a score for me!

I thought, as we were in the car, about getting my body stronger. I am starting a yoga class tomorrow and I am both anxious and excited. For one thing , I took the step and signed up for the class. For another I took the control over my body and said we are getting moving. I do move a lot during the day. Sitting too much causes me to get stiff and my neck causes me a lot of pain if I sit too long. I am sure the regular moving I do will not compare to the yoga. Believe me, I am going to take this yoga thing slow, very slow. I have no idea what kind of a flare it might send me into or if it will. This is a test, only a test. My hope is that it works and helps me become stronger so I can continue to move up in the class levels or hopefully get a little stronger so I can start to walk more. The scary part for me is my stiffness. The weakness is a problem but if I am stiff and try to pull my muscles too much it sends me into more pain, but my hope is the yoga loosens me up more. It is the vicious circle of pain and weakness that starts when you decide to push yourself too much. It is hard for me because I am a perfectionist. If I can't do it perfect I become very discouraged and give up. I have made up my mind I am not going to do that this time. If I have to spend the first few weeks only doing the breathing then so be it. Well, that too can be a problem when you suffer from shortness of breath and when you do breathing exercises it feels like an elephant is standing on your chest. There again, the vicious cycle that never ends. I will stop with all the blah, blah, blah for now and concentrate on the benefits I am hoping to get out of the yoga class and the the hope it lights a fire in me to move more and more in the right direction to wellness.

It isn't easy to set personal goals for yourself when it is a struggle to do the everyday little things that everyone else takes for granted, but if I don't at least try to take control I will stay stuck in the pit. The pit that takes over and makes you begin to believe you really can't do it or you really never will be able to do it. I have to take the control and once again try something new with the goal in mind that this may be it. This may be what I need. This may be what works. It is a never ending battle that one day I hope to win!

God Bless!