I woke up alone today as I do on most days of the week. Rich is out back hunting for the last time here on this land. It is such a bitter sweet week for us here. Last days to hunt. Sitting in a empty house. Looking forward to our delayed Christmas celebration with the kids on Monday night. All lasts for not just Rich and I but for the kids and grand kids. I had to laugh and I keep laughing out loud at Vinnie when he said to me the other night, "It's sad leaving here I have a lot of good memories in this place." Too cute since he has only been around a few years. It warmed my heart to hear him say that but the more and more I have thought about it the past few days and brought it up to Rich more than once it gave me the chills. After all that is all a mother wants for her children and their families is to feel welcomed and loved and that we are glad they are a part of our family unit. I keep telling them when they say they are sad or whatever else they say about leaving here that it will be the same when we move just in another place but deep in my heart I know that isn't true. Yes, the love will be the same but life will still change. You go with the flow and if you think about it nothing ever stays the same in relationships, jobs or life you just make the best of what you have wherever you are at at any given time.
I sit here on my birthday wondering who in the world writes a blog entry on their birthday but then I thought to myself, what a better day to write a blog then on your birthday? Birthdays are perfect for reflection on all the years gone by. All the good times you have been blessed to experience. When I was thinking of the past before I started the blog I also thought about all the hell I have been through with my health over the past fifty one years and I thought to myself damn you are one tough bitch. Why can't I embrace that? I never play the victim or allow my disease to define me, at least in my head I don't. Although there are the many days it does control what I am able to do or not do. It's all good. I fight through each and every health hurdle and I win every time. This past week has been hard with so many health issues. Two out of three have had good outcomes so one hurdle to jump on Monday and I am home free. Reminds me to remember we are not in control of anything that happens so why get all worked up. Okay I lied I do get worked up not because of this or that issue but because of having to see another doctor or have another test. Yes those are the things that get me worked up. Even if they told me I had something that was really bad I think I would be okay with it and ready to fight it but seeing more and more specialists and the tests get me worked up more than the actual issue at hand. It's all good though because I am still here. Still living a good life and blessed with some amazing people who lift me up every time I fall down. Birthdays are good! Aging isn't all that bad if you subtract your body out of the equation. Really.
So here's to another year. Bring it on 2014!
Sunday, December 22, 2013
I really didn't want to write a blog right now. I don't have much to say at this point. Pain is still at the same level as it has been for the past whatever, I lost track of the time. When you are in pain you divide your life into this moment not this day or this week or this month. You forget how long it has been because it is all a big blur. If I can get through today I'm good. If I can get through tonight I'm good. Yes, that is how we chronics do it. Makes no sense to the real world but to all of us it makes perfect sense. My sleep is being so interrupted I am not getting a good amount of quality sleep. Waking up in pain all night long is exhausting to say the least but life goes on. I might be able to control my days as far as how much I am able to do but the pain is another story. Over time the pain begins to control you. Yes you adapt but the longer it goes on the harder it gets. The pain causes you to play the head games with yourself. You know you should call your doctor but you wait it out until the last possible minute because you don't need more to deal with when it comes to all of it. Drugs, tests, time, money, so you suffer. You continue on with the mind game of tomorrow it will get better. My favorite words to say when Rich tells me to call the doctor. That's another thing, the rif it can cause on your relationship(s). I am much crabbier when I am in constant pain and do not get my sleep so naturally who do I take it out on? Poor Rich. The man who has been to hell and back with me and I bite his head off for the stupidest things. I apologize but I wonder if he really forgives me.
I saw my new doc a month ago and she started me on a med for high blood pressure. I hate this. More appointments to monitor meds and dosages. Ughhh more appointments. I go back this Monday so I will bring up the pain to her. The worst part is she will tell me the same thing she told me a month ago to call my Rheumatologist. I did and she said to start back on meds. I did and got so sick from them I said never again. This was the reason I stopped them in the first place. She said we could try another immunosupprssant drug if I have the symptoms but I am afraid to try another so I suffer. At the appointment a month ago my doc found a mole on my back that needs to be biopsy. Surely it will be nothing and I am not worried. Please no cancer I can't deal with more at this point. I am also having other issues that she referred me to another doctor for. I need a colonoscopy but she wants me to form a relationship with the gastro doc because of not only my family history of colon cancer but because of my lovely history. I'll leave out the details on that one.
Most people could never understand the true meaning of the cartoon I posted at the beginning of this entry but to me and my fellow sufferers it makes perfect sense. I wish it didn't but it is what it is. Christmas is here. Everyone is happy and excited but for people with chronic illness we don't get a vacation from our pain. Christmas blurs in with all the other days of the year. How great would it be if we could look forward to a day off. The excitement people have when they know they are going to have some time off from work. The anticipation of relaxing and sleeping in or just not having to go to work even if they are still up early. A break from pain. A break from chronic illness. I cannot fathom what that anticipation would feel like but I wouldn't deny it if I was given the opportunity. I and all my fellow chronics push on with what we are given. We might, or might not complain everyday but we push on doing the best we can whether we have had enough sleep or not. Whether we are in pain or happen to have a low pain day. We make the best of what we are given even when no one can understand it.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
I laughed when I saw this cartoon the other day so I saved it to my phone for a future blog entry. I must admit there are more days then not that I would love to slap that sticker to my forehead and not say a word to anyone. The stress of moving is gut wrenching for me. My anxiety is at at the level I have never experienced in my whole life. Give me three kids screaming and hollering and I am fine but tell me to pack up and move and I feel like I am in a tail spin from hell. Plus with the kids I can actually scream out loud and we can all crack up together. Me laughing because I sound like a raving lunatic and them laughing because, "Nana you are so silly." Then all the anxiety goes away. But moving that's a whole different ball game. The waiting when you are a now person is just too much. Living with a person who isn't as stressed as you are almost makes me feel worse. Odd, I know. Funny how it is so hard to understand each other when we are all so different. Moving is exhausting on top of a life that is already pushed to the limits with chronic illness. I go to bed every night wondering what tomorrow will bring as far as symptoms and I wake up wondering how much I will suffer if I do to much. It is like a game of Russian roulette without. Although the game I play is the game of actually knowing I am going to have to dodge the bullet at one point in order to just exist.
Stress. We all have it but being chronically ill stress can push your body to the limits and symptoms show up more but you don't even realize they are rearing their ugly head until it is too late. This pain, that pain, it will go away when I rest. Think again. It just gets worse. Right now it is my elbow giving me fits. I am hoping tomorrow is the day it is better but then again I have been hoping that for the past two months or more I can't really remember as the days of pain blur into one another. It's hard to always call the doctor and say I have this now I have that now. To the chronically ill calling the doctor is like throwing in the towel or admitting you can't handle it. Crazy as that sounds it is true but especially when you are a control freak and hate admitting when you have had enough. Then just as I think I am the only one who suffers I look around and see and hear storied of others suffering. Many in different ways than I but suffering none the less. I think to myself and wonder how many people secretly wish they could put that "Out of Order" sticker on their forehead. I am sure many would love to but then I wonder how many can or would be willing to admit it. I wonder why we are so worried about admitting when we are weak or talking to other people about our weaknesses. I know when I do talk to others, besides Rich, about it most people are very understanding. I mean really how many people are going to tell you that you are crazy to your face or that they don't understand? They aren't. Just the same as when someone tells me their struggles I would never do that. I listen. Listening in love, maybe not understanding what they are going through, but loving them in their time of need.
It's Christmas. Only a week away. That time of the year where everyone one is jolly. But are they? I hope we can all take to the time to love someone who might need that listening ear or love someone through their struggles affirming to them that it really is okay if they want to put that "Out of Order sticker on their forehead at least for a while. Afterall isn't the that best Christmas gift you could give to anyone? I believe so. I have said it before stuff to me really means nothing. I hate getting gifts but I love it when someone gives me the gift of listening to me when I might be struggling. Yesterday it was my daughter. God love her soul she is so good at just understanding which means more to me than any material thing ever could. I hope we can all spread the love of the birth of Christ this year and not look for it under a tree.