Thursday, December 29, 2011

Where Does The Time Go?

As I sit and ponder on the thought that I am forty nine years old I can't help but focus, not so much where the years have gone, but how much I have changed and become so much smarter than I ever thought possible. I am not sure if this is all because of the age thing because I do believe the illness has a lot more to do with it than just the number of years I have had here on earth.

When I think back to the years before illness I remember a person who was flying around trying to keep everyone else happy without any regards to my own well being and happiness. I am not talking in a selfish sense as in me time or in wanting material things since those have never been important to me but in a inner self type peace. I would scramble around trying to keep everyone happy. If I heard of someone needing something I would do it. If someone was ill I was the one there making the meal, watching their children, or fulfilling any need they might have. This was who I was. Then the illness struck and I was unable to do all the things that made me who I was. In turn the illness forced me inward, a place that I was not use to being. In turn many people have left my side. I have realized many of the people I thought cared about me really didn't. That is okay. I have learned friendship cannot work when only one person does the listening and makes it work, it takes two people. A hard but good lesson for me.

I never really took good physical care of myself, ever. I just didn't care, look what it got me. I am still very overweight and my health is failing me miserably. I am still in that I don't care state about taking care of myself. SAD I know but for me the energy it takes to do the things I have to do each day are exhausting. Adding more to that is hard for me. I try but it just isn't a top priority for me. So this is another reason why I was forced to go inward. The soul searching I have done over the past five years that has helped me find out who my true self really is. I am happy I have had the years to do this because I am almost sure if I hadn't become ill I would still be trying to please and keep everyone else happy, living some kind of crazy existence. Now I focus on trying to keep myself going, even though it is just one day at a time. If I am blessed with my family surrounding me and I am able to give some love to them that is what fills my heat and soul.

It is still excruciating painful for me when I hear of someone who is in need and I am unable to help them out but I have learned I must be true to myself and I always hope and pray there is someone else who will step in and help them. It is very hard to change that part of you when you are a giving, loving soul. But I must continue to focus on myself, not in that selfish way, but in a, you will pay for, if you do to much kind of way. It has taken me this long, five years, to get here. It hasn't been easy. I have cried more in these past five years than I have in my whole life. But I made it. I made it to a peace and acceptance, not a total peace or acceptance, but at least some sort of peace that works for me at this time. I am blessed.

If you are reading this I hope that you are at a peace/acceptance with yourself too. Illness or no illness we must take charge of our lives and not live by the standards of the world or by the way other people think we should live. Do what is right for you. Learn to say no. Learn to live your life in your own true happiness and not by what someone else thinks is right for you. Enjoy the little moments in your life, the simplicities that bring joy to your heart. Only you know what those are! Do some of your own soul searching. Time is limited here don't look back with regrets. Look back and realize you did what was right for you and then when you ask yourself, "Where does the time go?" Your answers will be ones that made you happy along with knowing you are being a kind and good soul, not only to the world, but to yourself!

God Bless!


Monday, December 26, 2011

Dear Idiot! A letter to myself

I decided I need to write myself a letter and what a better place to do it than in my blog for the whole world to read. Plus, if you ever decide to be an idiot you can refer back to it and slap yourself upside the head with it if need be. It is short and sweet and straight to the point!

Dear Dianne, (or you may insert your name here)

I just want to say you are an idiot. I mean really how many times do you have to do something before you figure out it just isn't good for you? Christmas Eve was a great time but it wasn't suppose to end in a never ending slump of feeling weak and ill. Having a few gin and tonics for a normal healthy person is no big deal but for you it can put you into hell. I want you to remember waking up with the migraine, heart palpitations, freezing, weak, sick to your stomach, and wanting to crawl in a hole and die. I want you to keep that vision and thought in your head the next time you decide you need to have a few. You know just overdoing it does this to you so why would you add a few drinks to the mix when you were already pushing yourself over your limit? Is it really worth it? I know at the time of laughing hysterically and having the best time you have had in a long time seems to make it worth it but really think about the consequences. NO it is not worth. You are still having problems keeping your eyes open two days later and need a nap. SO Miss Smarty Pants, NO MORE DRINKING ALCOHOL FROM THIS DAY FORWARD!


Dianne, the same idiot who this letter is addressed to.

God Bless the Idiots of the world.

In all honesty I think in ending this the truth is I always hope that one day I will be just like everyone else. I try to be like everyone else and it just isn't possible. It is so depressing to think I just can't do the things that other people do. It really makes me angry when things like this happen. But then I remember how blessed I am. I have love to give and that I receive so why do I need anymore that that? One day!!! this body will be perfect. Until then I will probably continue, even if I  reread this letter, to do stupid things that set me into a flare but and for now that just has to be okay.


Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Top Ten Positives of the Chronic Illness Experience written by Nicole Natoushek, MPH,PT Aquired Hope

Top Ten Positives of the Chronic Illness Experience written by Nicole Natoushek, MPH,PT Aquired Hope (Book)

The chronic illness can be a good thing. As ridiculous as that sounds, I believe that now. In David Letterman fashion, I have created my own top ten list if the positives of chronic illness experience.

10) Your pharmacist knows you by name.

9) Otherwise complete strangers are your instant friends, as we all know how to share a common bond of the chronic illness experience! Look, I am meeting you today.

8) You find your inner strength and sense of empowerment that you never knew existed.

7) You grow closer to those who love and support you.

6) You find out who your true friends are.

5) You have and opportunity to re-invent yourself.

4) You explore and create new work skill and talents, that otherwise may have been left undiscovered.

3) You simplify your life.

2) You slow down and focus on the things that are really important to you.

1) You have an opportunity to explore and expand your current balance of the mind, body and spirit. You can become more resilient.

Oh I could personally add so many more to this but I will save that for later. Hope you all enjoyed this as much as I did. I know many will understand it and many will not, and that is ok!

God Bless!


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Passing Another Test

Here I sit at my throne writing to all of you wonderful people who take a few minutes to read my babblings. I appreciate it so. All your reads and comments help me process all of this. You are a true blessing to me and my life even though I have never even met many of you. We will one day when our souls intertwine. I look forward to that day.

I really have no idea why I am here right now except for the fact that I have been thinking so much about getting another call last week that something wasn't right on my mammogram. At first when I hung up I was just annoyed as hell. I mean really, I took the time to go get the test that I had been putting off for a few years and this happens. Earlier in the week I sliced my finger open and needed to get stitches and I was still recovering from that. When I did it I waited five hours hoping I wouldn't have to go to the Urgent Care but the bleeding finger won. Even a simple cut that needs stitches is a huge thing for me. Back to the mammogram. When I saw my doctor for my physical she asked when I was going to get my mammogram I told her I would do it this year. I also told her I keep putting it off because I just don't think I could handle another health crisis. I had all the excuses in the book. I still do, in fact I told Rich last night now I am good for another two years, at least. Making the initial appointment was easy but when I make those appointments I never know if I am going to wake up weak, in pain, with a migraine, the list goes on. So in order not to make a much longer story short I made it to the appointment. I made it to yesterdays ultrasound almost throwing up thinking I might have to face another crisis. When I was told it was just a cyst I was so relieved. It is a good thing there wasn't any alcohol in my car because I seriously think I would have taken a shot.

You see for me a health crisis is much harder for me than it is for most people, no I am not saying it isn't hard for others but for me it just puts another illness on the plate to deal with. I am still sickened when I look at my stitched up finger so cancer would have been like being hit by a bus. For me say like when I have a surgery and they tell me I will be up and around in a week I chuckle to myself and think sure doc I am almost sure that will be a month. When I get anything, a cold, bronchitis, etc and the doc tells me a certain time frame for the recovery I always double or triple it so I can keep my sanity when the initial time frame is not met. Illness is not only a physical problem for me it is a lot of disappointments.

I hear the phrase from so many people that God never/doesn't give you more than you can handle. Honestly I can't agree with that anymore. I don't believe God gives us these aliments just so he can watch us suffer. I suffer with one thing after another physically and it leads to much emotional suffering too. I have friends who suffer, it seems a few families in particular, who have been struck with more tragedy than most. Why is that? It can't be because God is looking at them and thinking I'll zap this family with more they have already suffered so much whats a little more? I think they can handle that. HUH? No way, I just don't see him doing that.  Now in saying I don't agree with that phrase on the flip side I don't believe that people can't get through the tragedy's they face because they can. They can and I have seen many do it. We all have to face whatever happens to us head on whether we want to or not. If my cyst would have turned out to be a cancer I/we would have dealt with it. I/we sure wouldn't have wanted to and I am sure I would not have done well with another diagnosis but you must take what comes your way and make the best of it, good or bad.

Today I am thankful. Thankful I do not have to face another illness, not so much the physical part but the emotional part. I am getting really good at learning to live with all the physical symptoms but for me the emotional/mental pain is so much harder to deal with. The mind can be your worst enemy in all of this that is why I try as hard as possible to stay positive, it is all I have to get me through this. So for today I live. I live my best life. I put one foot in front of the other and move on living in this moment because I have no idea what tomorrow, next week or next month brings, all I have is the now and I'm gonna enjoy it! It's all you have too so make the best of it.

God Bless You!


Saturday, December 17, 2011


Why? The other day I was messaging back and forth with a fellow chronically ill friend. The main topic was about family and how she couldn't make it to an event and the family just didn't understand. Since that day I have been turning the story over and over in my head trying to make sense of it all. I can't. All I seemed to come up with has been a lot of why questions so here they are:

Why would I want to stay home and not attend an event and be around other people?

Why would someone "makeup" that they are sick?

Why would someone want to live like this?

Why would someone want to have to see doctors on a regular basis, even become friends with some of them?

Why would someone want to have to take medications to just exist or to get themselves moving in the morning and on many days still not have that help?

Why would people outside my family feel they can tell me all I need is a vitamin or to get out more when they have no idea what I/we live with on a daily basis. Why can't people understand the show, and the Dianne, everyone sees is not the reality I or my family lives with.

Why would I want to put my husband and family through this hell?

Why would I choose to have some of  my best friends be people who suffer worse than I do, people who truly are able to understand every word they say or write?

Why would I choose to stay home and not work when in reality I wish and dream of working outside the home someday?

Why would I listen to someone else give me their opinion on my illness when I have two of the best doctors in town?

Why would I want to have to plan out every detail of my day in order and take it in baby steps just so I can get through it?

Why would I have to always think about my body in everything I do, from physical to mental, because of the price I will pay if I do even a little bit too much?

Why do I have to wake up feeling like I was hit by a Mack truck only to have my plans for the day shot to hell?

Why would I want to be on drugs that make me nauseous and gain weight that I don't want to gain all the while knowing I need them to be able to get off the couch and putz around the house?

Why would I freak out going up and down stairs, and hate doors, corners and etc that always seem to be in my way and cause me to run into them all the time?

Why would I have to do nothing all day in order to be able to just go out to dinner?

Why is going to bed like running a marathon, hot bath, heat, pills, relaxation, need I go on?

Why do my facebook friends understand what I live with better than other people in my life who should?

Why do people avoid or act like I am not even sick?

Why? Why you ask? Because I am chronically ill. I am. Period. You can't change it. Avoiding it does not make it go away and  it is there all the time. It isn't fun. I don't like it in fact many days I hate it, but it is my life. In fact it is a big part of my life. It is a big part of many others lives too. Don't treat me, or others who are ill, like we are from outer space. We're not. For me I still the same person I have always been. Mostly that is. The only difference is now I don't deal in drama. I don't know if this is my last day, either do you, but for me it is different now. I don't take anything for granted anymore. I try my hardest to live in each moment even if that moment is not such a good moment. When it is not such a great moment I just sit and relax and hope and pray the next moment gets better. If it doesn't then it doesn't. Once again it is what it is. I just wish others could accept the reality and either love me or just shut up. Hey, maybe that is why people act like idiots at times because they are just shutting up. Ahah moment right there.

So whether you understand or you don't understand the next time you are around someone ill, or that ill person can't make a date, or whatever else may come up with a person you know who is ill a lot, I hope you can take a few minutes to just understand, even if you don't.

God Bless


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

I Still Am

First off I must tell you that I did not write this. It is either from an arthritis site or the Arthritis Today Magazine. I cannot find the author, I wish I could to give credit where it is due. I have had it for years and I am assuming it was an author unknown because I am almost sure I would have written her name at the end. I hope you enjoy and connect with it as much as I have over the years.

I Still Am

I look at photographs from years ago, and I remember her. I remember her boundless energy and the things she accomplished. She was active and so full of life; mother of two small children, full time and part time secretary, board member, community volunteer, student, writer actress, sister, confidante, friend.

She walked almost everywhere, not because walking was good exercise, but simply because she liked to walk. She’d walk five miles to the rec center, swim for a couple of hours, and walk home again. Or she’d walk 10 miles to the mall and 10 miles home without ever having set foot in a single store.

And as I look at photographs from years ago, I’m saddened. I’m saddened because the woman I see no longer exists. The once slim, athletic body is now a shapeless blob, puffed up by an abundance of steroids. The sturdy legs that carried her on long walks to the rec center or to the mall can barely get her down the stairs. And on some days she literally crawls to the bathroom and prays that the powerful arms that used to propel her through the water at the rec center have enough strength to pull her up off of the floor.

The boundless energy that allowed her to be a mother and work two jobs, volunteer, serve on boards, and take classes has been replaced with a weariness that scarcely allows her to function. Cooking a meal for her family leaves her too exhausted to sit at the table and enjoy the fruits of her labor.

I’m saddened that the smiling, healthy young woman in photographs from years ago is a woman far too old for her age who lives life in four hour increments when she pops pills to ease pain, reduce swelling, minimize bone loss, boost vitamin levels, lower blood pressure, increase thyroid enzymes, alleviate depression, and allow her to sleep.

I’m saddened because when I look in the mirror, I see no remnants of the woman I see in photographs from years ago. I thought I’d be young and agile for much longer than I actually was. I always knew there were two options to life: get old or die. I just didn’t expect to get so old so soon and I didn’t expect to be this ill at this age. And as I look at photographs from years ago, I can’t help but indulge in a moment of self pity. I long to be who I was before pain visited my body and, like an uninvited guest, refuses to leave.

And then, when I stop feeling sorry for myself, I realize that I didn’t lose my self; I merely lost the ability to do certain things. There are still days when I laugh so hard I cry (and almost wet myself). I still write, though not as much or as often as I’d like, but as often as I can. I still act, though no longer on stage before hundreds, but for much smaller audiences every time I pretend not to hurt in order to make others feel more comfortable.

And my heart continues to grow more and more in order to accommodate the infinite love I have for my grand children; a love that multiplies exponentially every day. They may not be able to climb on my back for piggy back rides or on my knee for horsey rides, but they can climb on my lap for the best hugs that I can give. I didn’t know what a great kiss was until I was kissed by my sticky-faced grand child who whispered, loud enough to be heard from across the room, “I love you, grandma.”

I savor the things I’ve learned to do differently. And while I sometimes still mourn the loss of the things I used to do, I remind myself that I still am aware of who I am and where I am. I still am able to function without the use of a wheelchair or an electronic device that speaks for me. I still am able to think for myself and, most of the time, I still am able to tend to my personal needs. I still am loved much more than I ever thought I could be by my family, friends, and a God who has never left or forsaken me.

And as I look at photographs from years ago I am reminded that I am much more than the things I used to do. I still am me. And with the precarious nature of life, I am just grateful that I still am.


God bless your day!


Sunday, December 11, 2011

Pay Day

Yesterday was a great day. Rephrase, yesterday was a great day for me. For you it would probably have been a normal everyday of rushing around and taking it all for granted. I woke up feeling really good even after a horrible nights sleep. When I woke up I got my haircut, came home and went shopping for a while with Rich. We got the few things we needed and it went better than either of us expected. Usually I start to shop and do well for 10 or 15 minutes and all the sudden it hits me like a Mack truck, but not yesterday. Rich is so good he often tells me to go sit in the car and he will finish up the shopping and check out. What a man! He has shown me a love so strong I often wonder how he can love me that much. it blows my mind when I think about it. I even came home put the stuff away and did a few other things. It was a great day. If only everyday could be that good. But...

I slept better last night after taking my Xanax which I need in order to stop my brain from thinking. It is hell when you are a person who just can't shut things off. I am always thinking of someone and praying for them when they come to my mind. I am worried about our friends John and Sandy and my head is consumed with worry, love, and prayers for them and their family right now as my heart breaks. I also worry and think about being ill, always wondering if I am going to be able to do what needs to be done. Now it is Christmas. Right now I pray I can just get through the few parties I have, wrapping the gifts, and so on. So yes, I am thankful for Xanax! Oh I am thankful for many drugs but I won't begin to go there.

This morning as soon as I opened my eyes I just knew it was pay day. Pay day for me is when I do over do it because I have a good day the previous. As soon as my eyes opened today all I saw was one big blur. This is not your normal blur it was so bad that I couldn't even read the clock because it looked like one big red blob, I know this is a bad start for me. My body was stiff and weak. I got out of bed and told myself get moving and forget about it. I did, and here I am. Yes it is blurry but better than when I woke. I took my meds and a hot shower to loosen the stiffness but as far as being weak it is here to stay. Unlike most people payday for me is much different.. Most people get to go to work and do as they please and get a pay day for their hard work. My hard work is a simple shopping trip with a payday from hell the next day. I would gladly trade my payday with someone else on days like this. But then I think to myself, if I didn't have these paydays I wouldn't appreciate the days like yesterday as much. I would take it all for granted. I would live life like I was going to live forever with no regard for a wonderful productive day. When I think on it I guess I am thankful for this payday and for waking up this morning.

Yes, my pay day is much different than the real world but I am still blessed and for that I am thankful! This is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad in it!

God Bless


Thursday, December 8, 2011

Is It Really That Time Of The Year

I have been thinking about writing this post for some days now but wondered how in the world am I going to write it without sounding like a Scrooge McDuck. I'm not really a scrooge it is just that Christmas is not my favorite time of the year. I don't know why I feel pulled to write this. It could be just for me I don't know but I am going to do it anyways.

First and foremost the reason I am not a Christmas person is because I struggle with the Christmas Spirit. I always have. I don't understand why every time I go out in public everyone is so nice when the rest of the year they are rude and not very nice at all. It makes absolutely no sense to me. For me it is the opposite I almost get a little ruder the month of December because this is such a big thing for me to deal with. Okay, I don't but I want to be because of the frustration this brings me. I don't know why people cannot just be nice to one another all the time when it really isn't that hard. I wonder is it because of the gift giving thing? Is it the excitement of  getting more stuff that we really don't need and moving on to the next want after we receive the the Christmas want? Or is it the true meaning, the giving part? Because shouldn't we be giving all year round and not just at Christmas. The older I get the more I see we American's are possession people. Stuff matters but in the end it really doesn't.

Second, for me, is the hurt Christmas/December brings. It is the month I lost one of my best friends whom I loved dearly. A friend I loved with all my heart. It was Christmas Eve and he was killed in a car accident. I remember that year like it was yesterday. The phone call at 3 am. I remember going to his parents house at 7am. My heart aching and feeling like half of it died when we buried Tim. I remember spending those three days at the funeral him saying goodbye to Tim and not being able to stop crying or wanting to leave his body. I wanted to go with him but I knew I couldn't. I cry as I write this and I think of him everyday. I have stories, songs, memories that I will cherish forever. I always loved when Rich and I got together with Tim and the gang, every time we saw Tim he would sing to us the song Jack and Dianne except he would sing Rich and Dianne and tell us/me how happy he was for us. He would just look at me and say, "You and Richie?" with his cute little smurk on his face. Tim and I had a very special bond. I think that year was so hard for me too because it was the first year I had really looked forward to Christmas. Tim's dad Tony helped me find Rich a set of golf clubs to give Rich for Christmas. Rich loved, and still does love to golf, so I was so excited to give him those clubs. I had worked very hard and saved for a long time to buy those clubs. Tony bought a set and he had a set for Tim too so it was so exciting. When Tim died all that joy left and I am not sure it has really ever come back. Don't get me wrong I love being with my family but I changed that day December 24, 1982.

Last but not least I watch and listen to people who are too busy to even have time to breathe. People who rush around shopping. People who struggle with parties because certain people will be there. People who do not care much about their families. It is sad to me. Really, as in life, Christmas IS about Jesus but also about family. I think to myself if Jesus is the reason you/we celebrate then how come you don't care about your family? I struggle with this. I have seen hurt, pain, anger, and jealously in families, ours included, and the one thing I have always strived to do is NOT let that happen to my immediate family. I have told my kids from the time they were little, "See these people right here, they are the ones who will be there for you when times are hard, don't ever let that relationship go because once it goes it is very hard to go back to the way it was. This right here is why God gave you a family to take care of each other when times are hard. These are the people who will be wiping your ass someday. I know that is gross but if you think about it, true!" It must have worked because it is pure joy for me to watch all of them together and to hear them talk about one another now that they are all out of the house. That is the greatest Christmas gift for me to know they are not just brother and sisters but friends, one of my biggest goals as being a parent came true. Pure joy!

As I try to figure out the point of this I still don't know exactly what it is except that I still have to try to do what is right for myself and others whom I come in contact with. Or maybe it is for me to deal with this Christmas a little better. Yes, there are those who can't return it, the love, and then I have to focus on the true loves of my life. God, My Parents, Rich, the kids, Hunter and Addi and the few friends and extended family who really do care. Christmas for me isn't easy. I have a hard enough time keeping up the rest of the year and Christmas is much added stress for me. A stress that is worth it for me even though I always get sick after Christmas. I hope this year is different and that start of a non after Christmas illness. We are keeping it simple this year, simpler than we usually do, and for me that is enough to bring me joy. I hope and pray you can do the same and find the peace you need to enjoy your holiday.

God Bless and Merry Christmas,


Sunday, December 4, 2011

A Day In The Life

I am sure you have all figured out by now I am not one who would sit on here and complain about my circumstances especially since many of you reading are worse off than I. But some days I would just love to stick my head, hell my whole body, in a six foot hole and just have someone cover me up. The way this day started it was one of those days but then the way it ended helped me and I am glad it ended the way it did!

First off I must say just one little thing can set off a bad day, something as simple as  forgetting to take a certain medication. You probably think, how in the world can someone forget to take their medication, but when you are on many at times it gets very confusing even remembering if you took everything the right way at the right time. I did this the other morning when I wanted to go with Rich to an early appointment. We left and got down the road and I looked at him and he said, "What?" So I responded, "I can't believe it, I forgot to take my meds today." He wanted to turn the car around but I wouldn't let him because this was an appointment we couldn't be late for. As I was sitting in the waiting room waiting for him it hit me. I was writing down some stuff out of a book and and just like that my eyes got goofy, I got really weak, and I could feel my right eye start to droop, which caused me to see only eye lashes out of that eye. I just knew this was not good. So I did as I would at home, put everything down and closed my eyes and held my head up and rested. I made it out of the office alive, I always do, plus I had my knight in shining armor not to far away to drive so I felt safe, the worst thing is when this happens and I am alone. I try not to go out alone too much anymore and if I do it is short, quick trips because I never know when the weakness is going to hit.

Well, today was another one of those days because yesterday I overdid it. I know better but hey sometimes I just have to do it and "be normal." I slept awful last night due to pain and the stress of my doctors appointment coming up on Monday. It is very hard to sleep when you are being woke up every hour by your body yelling at you to turn over, so you listen when it is talking to you like that. Then you turn over and another pain comes and yells at you from that side. It was a never ending roller coaster ride of pain and stressful thoughts all night long. I remember looking at the clock at 1:15am and thinking are you kidding me it is only 1:15am? I felt like I had already been through a fight in the ring with someone by that point. I couldn't wait for the night to be over. Well, you just know when you have that kind of night the day following is more than likely not going to be a good one.

When I finally did awaken this morning I rolled out of bed and took my meds, yes I did remember today, got my cup of java and hit the computer for some inspiration as I always do. I was sitting here when Rich got up. He said his usual hello dear how are you today and I told him my night sucked but I was going to get ready and go to church anyways. I was not going to allow my night keep me away from church like it usually does, especially since it takes me a while in the morning to get going. I hit the shower. After the shower I was exhausted. Holding my hands over my head to wash my hair is like running a marathon, this combined with washing my body is very tiring. You really have no idea how much energy it takes to do these simple tasks.

After I rested I went into my bedroom to pick out cloths, this is another energy sucker. You would think by know I would be smart enough to know stick to the task at hand picking out an outfit but no, not me, I see the laundry basket with the cloths in it that need to be hung up. I grab some hangers and start hanging up the clean cloths. After 5 or 6 items, oh great I am getting weak. I stop and mentally yell at myself, what are you doing? I sat down looked at the stuff on the bed and thought I'll do it later. I rested and picked out my outfit and got dressed. guessed it, weak, back at the computer to look at facebook and rest. I still have not done hair or make up. Sighhhhhhh I have to go do my hair. Today hair will be a pony tail and a quick slap on of the makeup, weak, rest. Ok, I'm finally ready, that only took over an hour with at least 40 minutes of it as rest time. Now time to go downstairs, put my shoes on and at least eat a piece of toast because that is easy and doesn't take much energy. Success we are in the truck I am going to church! Yay for me!

As I sit there I feel my eye drooping. The combination of doing to much yesterday, not a good 9-10 hours of sleep, and getting out of the house so early has hit me hard. Sitting in church I am thinking I have some pills in my purse that help me when I am real weak and I think I better pop a few. So I did and within 20 or so minutes I could feel my eye lifting and I was feeling strong enough to make it through the service. I even did well talking to people afterward. That is another thing you never realize when you are healthy, how much energy it takes to talk to people. Of course when i talk to someone I listen very closely so it takes me a lot more energy anyways. Socializing is really very hard work and I never realized that before all of this. I took it ALL for granted.

As you can see a day in the life of Dianne is not easy, not easy at all. Everything I do is a chore for me. I must step out everything. I can't just jump out of bed take a shower and be somewhere in a half hour like most people. the things that are minor inconviences for most people are hug hurdles for me. When I make appointments and the receptionist has to make it before 11:00 am I know I am in trouble and it may set off a chain physical symptoms that may last days.

I am sure if you all could write a book about your issues your story could be somewhat the same or maybe way different. All I know is we all struggle with our own circumstances in life but it is all in the way you look at it. I try to stay positive but sometimes it is hard, very hard. In writing this it is my hope that the next time you have a list of things to do and start to complain about them I hope you will think of me. I wish I had a list of things to do and could just do them without thought.  If you are fortunate to have good health or pretty good health please be thankful! It is a true gift. The only gift I would love to get for Christmas this year. For now I will push on one day at a time and make the best of it whether it is a good or bad day!

God Bless!


Thursday, December 1, 2011

Negative Energy vs Positive Energy

You all should have known this was coming especially after I watched the movie Have a Little Faith the other night. The day after the movie I thought about it the whole day and continue to do so everyday so far this week. So many things to write but the one that weighs heavy on my heart is the negative vs positive people in life. I really do not understand many things in life, as I am sure many of you feel the same way, but one of the biggest struggles for me is the negative people I come across on the occasions I do leave the house.

I often wonder and ponder and struggle when I think to myself the people who should care about you don't and the people who do not have any connection to you or reason to care about you do. It blows my mind at times. I am just thankful for all the people in my life who show me love even when they do not have to. The positive influences for me. The people I now choose to allow in my life. The point of this is to think of the people you come in contact with. Some when you part leave you and you feel very happy and positive but then there are others who are energy suckers that leave you exhausted and worn out after you see them. We can all relate to this. Life is not a competition. Life is about love and people, that's all.

So on those occasions that I do have to leave my haven of rest, peace and love it seems I come across so much peculiar behavior that sometimes I just come home sad. Sad in the a human faith kind of way. I begin to think back to a time when people truly cared for one another and things didn't control our lives. Times when neighbors helped neighbors. Times when hand shakes meant something and it was all that was needed for a true commitment to another person. Times when technology didn't control our lives. Remember? Seems these days we have to wonder if anybodies word is true because everything needs to have legal contracts or written agreements for the littlest things in life. Sad!

Whoops, kind of got off track there so back to the movie. As I watched this movie I wondered to myself about the whole giving aspect. In the end the church in the movie was in need of repair and ended up getting money sent in from many donors to help make the repairs. This only after Mitch Albom wrote a few articles in the press about the mission of the church. It made me wonder about the people who sent in the donations to help this broken down church. Are these the same people I run across when I am out on the streets? The people who rush for parking spaces to get there before I do? The people who cut in lines to check out before I do? The people who are rude and cut me off in traffic? The people who won't hold the door for an old lady, me. You get the picture. See, to me it isn't about sending money. Yes, we do it too, we support a few different organization but in the process we also try to live according to our purpose of being kind to others. It isn't all about a check or I went to church on Sunday. It is so much deeper than that. The living part is the part that matters not the money. We as Americans have it all wrong. It isn't about how much you can own or gain it is about people and love. So simple and we make it so hard.

I can think of the times I have called to make appointments or to check on certain orders and had to talk to customer service. The rudeness of some people is just unacceptable to me. If I get a rude person on the phone I always try to give kindness back. Believe me sometimes it sure isn't easy but I do it anyways. Or when I do get a courteous person on the other line, before I hang up I always tell them I appreciate their kindness. It just brightens someone day to know that someone does still appreciate happy, positive people over the stressed out negatives of the world. So to go along with this when I am in public and when I see a rude act being committed I always try to do something nice for someone else to make up for another person unacceptable behavior. It helps me to feel better for the person who was being treated rudely. Now that being said, I will admit I am not perfect at this either. When I am tired or in pain sometimes it is hard to hold a door for someone and I have to be the one to accept the help. But the point is if we all do something nice for one person a day then we can only have goodness surrounding us.

When your life shrinks and becomes so small because of illness you must focus on the positives in life. For me it is hearing I love you Nana. Or Nana I missed you so much, even when we were together the day before for the whole day. Or it is the lipstick marks I see on my little angels cheeks from me smothering them in kisses. Or the fingerprints on the tv. In life we are always looking for so much big stuff we forget to enjoy the positive little things that happen everyday like the things that make a child miss you when they were just with you. Or hearing how you helped someone without even knowing you did.

Be choosey about who you hang around with as much as you are choosy about your peanut butter but in all cases still choose to be positive and kind in all situation even if it is the hardest thing in the world for you to do It really does matter. Don't listen to the world, list to your heart. 

It is time people! Time to choose the positive over the negative. Which will you choose? Do better for yourself and the world by showing a little kindness. One by one we can all make a difference together instead of arguing and bickering over stupid meaningless crap. It just makes life so much easier and fun to live.

God Bless You!