Frustration

Let me start by saying that being sick can be extremely frustrating and stressful. It's no wonder so many chronically ill people have anxiety. I'm not blaming anyone for anxiety but one thing after another forces a person to become more anxious. You are always second guessing yourself as you shift from one issue to another. I began feeling better yesterday from my now thirteen day stomach issue that I still have no answer for. I called my doctor Wednesday to see if I could get in for an appointment but they couldn't get me in until today which is Friday. Totally understandable. What I have a hard time understanding is that when I canceled today, because I am feeling better, I was told it would be put down as a no show and I would get a letter telling me so. There is no charge but it will be written down and remembered I am sure. I can understand why they do this as I am sure there are people who cancel a lot but I am different. Ya I know everyone they are different but... It takes me to be really ill to call for an appointment with my doctor. I had a physical last Novemeber and I have only been in the office twice since then with this being my third appointment. Amazing considering my medical issues, if I do say so myself.  This is the first time I have ever cancelled an appointment that I can remember. I know it isn't the offices issue and more than likely they are doing this with all offices at Spectrum but when you are chronically ill it seems like there should be some sort of exceptions made. When you call and you are really sick and can't get in its not like we write them up. Frustrating! Oh well I will wait for my letter like I was a bad child in school and see what my punishment will be if I continue my childish behavior.!? Frustrating. 

Yesterday I received a call from my Rheumatologists office telling me that he was no longer going to be joining the Spectrum Medical Group. My heart sank especially since I feel like I finally found a doctor that was working with me and understands my disease process. I guess not. The lady that called me had no idea where my doctor was going and encouraged me to call the last office he was at last to see if they had any news on where he would be going. Of course they said no so now I am here again grasping at straws wondering who will be my new and third Rheumatologist. I hung up the phone with a near panic attack and sent Rich a text. He called me back right away and I sobbed. Per usual he calmed me down and told me to see what my primary doctor had to say about it. I sent her as message and she said she was going to find a new Rheumatologist to refer me to. Now I wait. I know there are a few Rheumetologists in the area but there are very few and it takes a long time, months, to get into them. I was scheduled on a monthly basis with mine and I am afraid a new one will be a much longer wait. Normally I would try to be patient and not freak out but with starting the new treatment and with my blood work results showing increased inflammation this past week I feel I need to see one on schedule. More unwanted and unneeded frustration.

I'm sitting here thinking to myself that I have to put a positive spin on this, wondering what it might be. Just because I am a positive person most of the time doesn't mean I walk around in a candy cloud happy all time eating pixie stix's, I don't. I become anxious and frustrated very easily when it comes to anything medical. I wish I didn't but the reality is I do. I self talk and tell myself it will all be okay eventually or I shout out to Rich for him to bring me back to reality like only he can. These are the times that are hard. The times the fight between me and chronic illness becomes even more real. These are the frustrations one does not need. I'm sitting here at the end of this post beginning to chuckle about the letter I'm going to receive. Writing all of this helped me get a little frustration out and realize I can't take all of this too serious because in the end it will all work itself out somehow. I'll get my hands slapped with the letter and I will more than likely find a new Rheumetologist. I can hear the words of Rich in the back of my head telling me to settle down it will be fine and I begin to feel better. I start to believe it really will work out!

God Bless!

Dianne

Pain Please Pick on Someone Else

The dog woke me up at 5:00am and that's when all hell broke loose. I knew I wrote in my last blog entry how I became so ill at the farmers market a week ago and had to come home and go to bed but today I was in bed when a new pain struck me again. If I was younger and didn't have all my lady parts I would have thought it was a cyst or something like that but I know that isn't possible since I've been gutted out and don't have too many parts left in my body. I laid in bed from 5:00-8:00 self talking and wondering what the heck is going on now. Is this connected to last week as I haven't felt well since that happened? Is it my appendix or a UTI? You see when you are sick all the time you don't wake and and decide to go to urgent care or the ER, you wait it out. You tell yourself the pain will subside and there are times it does but then there are the times it doesn't. It's been four hours and I'm still having stabbing pains . My next line of defense is a hot bath. When you are in a lot of physical pain, at least for me, a steaming hot skin scortching bath can cure just about anything even if it's only for a short period of time the pain subsides. When you live with chronic pain those little spans of time whether it is ten minutes or and hour with no pain are heavenly. In fact there was a few minutes of that this morning when I laid in bed without pain and I took a minute to soak it all in. Ahhhh no pain. Asking myself in almost a question form, "So this is what it's like to have no pain?" I'd give almost anything to have more of those minutes added to my days and night but that isn't how it works for me. Once again I wonder why God would put this soul in such a weathered body . One question I will ask him when me meet and he better not tell me it's because he knew I could handle it. I'm sitting here with this come and go pain writing in my blog which to me seems ridiculous. I feel worn to the core, I didn't sleep well, and whatever is going on is stabbing me again. My blog? Really? I made the mistake of telling Rich when I got up about what was going on. Don't get me wrong he is always my biggest supporter but after all this time he tends to become way overprotective when I tell him something. His thought is I'm dying and need to get to the ER. Ha it cracks me up but it also is hard for me when he does that to me. In fact I told him I never should have told him but I'm pretty sure my pain faces would have given it away anyways. His first words were that my appendix exploded which I'm sure if it did the pain would be constant not intermittent.  His best response by far was, "What if it's cancer?" Oh my gosh I'm laughing writing that. Plus if it is cancer it is no use getting all worked up about stuff until you know what's going on. This is all I'm writing for now but I will be back later with an update.

Well, it's 4:20pm and here I sit in real time at the urgent are. The pain is still intermittent and has been all day so I decided I better get it checked out. The worst part is the fact that the wait at the urgent care is one hour and twenty minutes which we all know means at least two hours. Don't get me wrong I usually don't complain about having to sit and wait for the doctor when you are in pain, tired, and weak is not where one wants to be. So I wait.

I'm home now but I made it in the room to see the doc in an hour so that's not so bad. Peed in a cup urine as clear as water which I knew when I saw that there was no infection. The doctor came to the conclusion that I must have pulled a muscle in my pelvic area and it is affecting a nerve hence the stabbing pain. Seriously when I got home it was attacking me and it brought me to tears. I never, well never say never, cry from pain. Here is my conclusion if this is what it is. We went to the Binder Park Zoo yesterday and walked for four hours straight. I knew the whole past week that I was going to pay dearly going to the zoo but I only thought with the usual. When we got in the car To come home ripped off my $500.00 shoes and insert combo, yes you read that right, because my feet hurt so bad I could hardly stand it, especially the left one that has been a continual issue for so many years now. They say you get use to the pain over time, that's BS, you don't. My elbow pain was horrendous I moaned trying to get comfortable for the hour and a half drive. My knees, especially the right one, was swollen and painful. I try not to complain to Rich but when you have so much pain you have to talk about it. We pulled in the driveway and I hugged my dogs and ran for the bathtub. Steaming hot luxury. I kept adding more hot water and more and more, heaven to me. I got out and went for my chair to rest but had a crappy night sleep. Pain like that always wins and you can't fight it you just have to give into. Then the 5:00am fun pain began and here I am exhausted from that pain. I'm glad I was able to sit a little more today at a friends baby shower and in the urgent care waiting room. Rest is a close friend.

I'm in my chair once agin after steaming hot bath #2 today. The pain got to me because I was shivering and teeth chattering when I got home, something that happens to me when I have pain I can't control. I took the ibuprofen and plopped in my chair. I sit here pondering on the last 24 hours of hell, my hell. It reminds me that there is a lesson in all of this too, isn't there always? Normalcy. The normal world goes to the zoo or anywhere else for that matter and when they get home the day is done. The next day comes, life is planned, and lived without much thought. Chronically ill people go to the zoo and pay dearly, often times for days. This is the classic example and if you don't believe it's true please re read this blog until it makes sense. It sucks but it is our normal. A normal I'm sure most people wouldn't want to live. Time will tell what's next.

God Bless,

Dianne

Life as a Sicko

You never know, that's my motto, because you never do know what is going to happen when you are a sicko. I have to laugh every time I describe myself as a sicko because most of the time I use that word to describe people who do creepy stuff like child abusers, wife beaters, people who physically hurt others because things don't go the way they think they should, but I'm sure we all fit in that last category at one time or another even if we don't physically abuse people. 

My sicko sucks. Plain and simple, sucks! I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of waking up feeling okay and having the day turn into a small hell on earth. Although I personally believe  any kind of illness really is its own sort of hell on earth. The worst part is that even when a person wakes up feeling okay the illness is still there. Last Saturday turned into one of those hell days for me. I woke up feeling my usual, okay. I sat with Richie goofing off as we usually do and all of the sudden I got really tired like I could have gone back to bed. Weird but I pushed through it because we were going to breakfast and the farmers market for fresh produce. You have to take advantage of this time of year in Michigan because it is such a short time. We made it to breakfast, ate, and headed to the market. As we were walking in the market, BAM,  I thought to myself here it comes my IBS. I eat I pay that's just how it is for me but this seemed different. My colon was spasming out on me. I hardly made it through the market but I made it, forcing myself through and telling myself I could do it. I hate being the one who wrecks things for everyone else like a bad party crasher. We got in the truck and I told myself we will be home soon which in reality was probably a twenty minute drive but when you are in misery and away from home self talk is critical. When I get sick like that it is hard to talk or process what other people are saying. I kept my eyes home and continued the self talk. Closer, closer, ahhh we are home. There's no place like home takes on a whole new meaning when you are a sicko. I made it! I can't tell you how many times I have said that to myself after suffering in misery. I was so wore out from the pain I had to go lay in bed. As I have said before that is never on my agenda no matter what. Bed is for night sleep and I will not give into using my bed other than for night but this time I had no choice. I slept a few hours and felt somewhat better. Today is Wednesday, four days later, and I am still not feeling like my normal sick but better than I was. I am thankful for that! 

Then comes the after effects and I'm not talking the physical ones but the mental ones. The questions of why this happened. You see, when you are a sicko you are always trying to figure out why new or reacurring suffering happens. What caused this? I have been going over this in my head since. Was it because I ate out and there was a lot of grease in my omelette? Maybe. Was it because I'm not use to getting up and getting out of the house so fast? I doubt that one but it could be. Was it because I refilled my arthritis medication and it was a different manufacturer this time? This is the main cause in my mind. I am extremely sensitive to medications and something as simple as the same pill made by a different manufacturer can set me off. That's another thing with us sickos we are nothing like the real world when it comes to almost anything. I always present differently than the healthy world when it comes to illnesses. Sickos are often called zebra's in the medical field where the rest of the patient population are considered horses. We are different. Believe me we feel like zebra's too and we hate it but it is what it is. I'm still not certain as to what happened Saturday and I fear this is a new issue I may have to deal with. I hope not and I pray this was a one time thing. If I have to add this to my list of physical problems I'm not sure how I will deal with it. It's hard being a sicko and the worst part is days like last Saturday scare you. Wondering if it will happen again and where you might be can eat you alive. It makes it so hard to live a normal life. Most of the time I am able to choose where I want to go if I have to leave the house but other times there are events a sicko cannot avoid. What happens when a sicko becomes ill at one of those events? I try not to do that to myself but this is real. Real for me anyways. It makes life hard to live. My anxiety starts to kick in and I have to bring myself back down to reality. The acceptance. I have to use that self talk that if it happens I will deal with it when it does. The main reason I don't go to many places without Rich. He saves me at times like those. The other day riding home from the market I could hear him say, "We are almost home," a few times. I can't imagine how I would have driven home in that state of suffering but I'm thankful I didn't have to. 

Today I have to take this chapter, close the book, and put it on the shelf. It's over and life goes on. This sicko goes on and  this will only make me stronger! I have to believe that.

God Bless!

Dianne

It's just a Mis-understanding

Being chronically ill is no easy task and even harder for the person living with it. You spend half your time trying to help people understand but when it comes right down to it no matter how much you try to put it into words it never comes out right. I personally believe it is very easy for people to take my words in but I also know they are unable to process them in the way I want the to. If you think about it what is the right way to explain something that is unexplainable? There are never any amount of words to describe the life I lead. Many times you might explain but then the same person you explained something to a few months ago acts like it all magically disappeared. It doesn't. In turn you must try to explain again and hope that maybe this is the time it will sink in for them but it usually doesn't. Being ill for years is like that. It is so very frustrating. There are times I take it personal and get mad and even angry but then I pull myself around and do the self talk thing and remember that it isn't their fault. I try to understand the best I can by putting myself in their shoes I only wish they could at least try the same for me. I've learned that's not how it's ever going to work. I hear and have heard so many things that I must process and try my best to educate people on when it comes to chronic illness. I know I must sound like a broken record at times with my blog but I have to be honest, even though I write it to help others understand I write it more for myself, it's my therapist on paper. There are many times I write and I learn myself. 

Here we go again with another list of things I hear but in all reality I don't want or need to hear:

Work through the pain. Ummm no. I was at the pool the other day and we were doing  some exercises and the one we were doing hurt. Two of us said,"This hurts," and the instructor said, "Work through the pain. When you have arthritis you have to push through the pain." I immediately thought To myself no you don't. To clarify, yes you do if you have osteoarthritis but if you have inflammatory arthritis you are dealing with a totally different type of arthritis. You see, when you have inflammatory arthritis doing an exercise that hurts when you are doing it sets your body off into a flare. Osteoarthritis is arthritis of a joint. Inflammatory arthritis is a whole body system arthritis. If you do something that hurts, like your knee, by evening or the next day not only does your knee get angry but many other joints do the same thing. Inflammatory arthritis affects the whole body not just the knee. Osteoarthritis is caused by age or over use of a joint while inflammatory arthritis is caused by your body attacking itself hence the autoimmune disease. We all get osteoarthritis. Inflammatory arthritis is caused by antibodies in your blood that attack your body because they think the good that goes on in your body shouldn't be there and it attacks that part of you body thinking it is an invader. It's is a simple but very complex process. I always say my body hates me. Simple but true.

Get more sleep. I hear this all the time. If it was only that easy. It's hard to sleep when you are in pain. Think of the worst pain you have ever had in your life. Do you remember trying to get comfortable to make that pain go away? Well for us sickos we might get in a comfortable position and fall asleep but an hour later we are awaken with stabbing pain in a joint. Being awaken like that makes it very hard to number one get in another position that's comfortable and number two to fall back asleep because you are wide awake from trying to find that new comfortable position. Try that over and over all night long. No wonder we wake up feeling like we never slept.

Eat better. I try! It helps but it sure isn't a cure. With all the fresh fruits and veg right now it's easy. I know I don't swell quite as bad when I eat well but to say it cures is a big misconception. When it comes to foods we all react differently and we all must find what works for us. Plus I still want to live. I love food and enjoy cooking. Drinking alcohol is another issue when you go out. You are not suppose to drink on these drugs so when you go out you get to sit there and watch everyone else get crazy while you are straight trying to act like you are having as much fun as everyone else. It's easier staying home believe me. The real world doesn't understand this at all. Plus people are exhausting. Sorry if that's a little truthful but it is what it is. Socializing is tiring for a chronically ill person. You go out, you socialize, but at the same time your body is talking to you at the same time other people are talking to you. No wonder it is so exhausting. You always are the first one to leave a party or gathering. When you are done you are done. My brain shuts off and I just have to leave. It is what it is.

You shouldn't take those nasty drugs. Believe me we wish we didn't have to. I fought this for so long after I stopped my drugs a few years back. I fought with myself about going back on the drugs. I didn't want to but I knew it was going to happen. When I finally made the appointment to go back to my Rheumetologist the first thing my new doc asked me when I told him I had stopped the drugs was, "Hows that working for you?" I knew right then and there I was in that room for a reason, to go back on treatment. I haven't regretted even though it is still a struggle. We all hate to admit we need a drug. I was talking with my son about this. He is in his last year of pharmacy school and he made the point about something else we were talking about and said  something to the fact of do you want to get better? Take the drug. If not don't take it and continue to suffer. It helped me realize drugs are here for a reason, to help us, not to make us feel weak. I think that's what happens to us we feel week and out of control when we need help from drugs when in reality we need to turn it around and be okay with it. It's all a part of the process. Drugs are created for a reason.

Don't think about your pain. I've read how you should do something to help you forget about your pain. Find a hobby and the pain magically goes away. False! Don't get me wrong I believe in mind over matter and believe it helps but it surely isn't a cure. I also believe all of our therapies combined help us. Only we know what works for us. Each chronic illness if different and each person is different. What works for you might not work for me. It's up to me to figure that out my treatment and no one else. Unsolicited advice is not needed. If I ask fine if I don't keep your month shut because you have no idea what it is like to live in this hell. Thank you very much.

You are sick therefore you are dumb. I personally believe chronically ill people are some of the smartest people I know. We have a heightened sense of awareness. Our radar is on overload. We see, we hear, and we process everything way more than most people. Illness makes you aware. I believe since we are so use to listening to our bodies 24/7 it enhances our ability to listen to everything going on around us. Maybe this isn't true for everyone but I know it is true for me. I miss nothing which can be good and bad. I know how to read hidden messages and I listen real close to what everyone says. I hate it at times but at other times I think it's a gift.

It's never easy, any of it. Today I realized I have skipped my DMARD med for a few days. I'm guessing maybe 4-5 more or less. I decided to keep my pills in a weekly divider so all I would have to do is open the top and there would be all my pills waiting for me for the day. Problem is sometimes I get confused. I remember putting the pills in the container and I remember thinking okay they are all in there only to realize this morning I forget this one. The important one the one that helps slow the autoimmune disease. The problem is I have two pills the same color and my brain thought they were all in there. Nope. I've been wondering why my inflammation has increased this past week and now I know. The decision has been made- No more weekly containers! When I use my pill bottles I can seperate them as I take them and keep better track of the ones I have taken and which ones I haven't. Not a big deal for most but huge for me. For most people meds are a nuisance for me they are stressful but necessary. Trying to keep everything straight gets old. Monthly blood tests, doctors appointments every other month, keeping meds refilled and taking them at the right times, getting enough rest, getting enough exercise and not over doing it, eating right, taking care of myself, keeping the house clean, grocery shopping, keeping in touch with the ones I love, the list could go on. I'm exhausted just writing this. It's not the same when you are ill to just pop out of bed and do all theses things without a thought. For us it's a daily struggle. I'm not sure if any of this helps people understand more but it sure helped me unload. Thanks for listening!

God Bless!

Dianne

Another Appointment in the Books

Yesterday I saw my new Rheumatologist for the third time in twelve weeks. The appointment went well. I really like him a lot! You have no idea how good it feels to write that. In the past when I have Rheumetologist appointments I stress the whole week before and when I get there my blood pressure is elevated. This time I didn't stress much except trying to remember all the symptoms I needed to talk to him about so I was well prepared and didn't waste his precious time. My blood pressure was low so I was very happy about that too. What I really like about him is his easy going manner. He is direct and to the point which is a quality I love in anyone I meet. I have learned more about all that is going on with me in the last 12 weeks than I have learned in the past ten years. I have been having issues with my fingers and toes prickly tingly, being very sensitive to anything, and going from ice cold to on fire in a minutes time. I mentioned this to him because I thought it could be a side effect to the new medication he put me on four weeks ago, more on this later. Without hesitation he said, You have Raynauds Syndrome." He explained how the nerves in your fingers and toes have muscles wrapped around them and how your brain messages are messed up as they send messages to your fingers when you go from temperature to temperature hence the symptoms. I have never been aware of these issues because like I told him when you are ill there is alway something going on so you learn to either ignore or blow off symptoms. But since this has become more of an issue I couldn't blow it off any longer. He told me to read up on Raynauds and try to become aware of when the symptoms appear such as going from one room to another or if you are shopping and go in the frozen foods area and have issues. My jaw may have fell open because I always have issues in that area of the store and it isn't just with my fingers but a whole body issue. I rarely go anywhere without a sweater even when it is ninety degrees outside. Air condoning as much as I love it and can't live without it causes me issues from the cold. It's nice to put a name to that issue!

I started a new medication four weeks ago and am blown away by the results I am having. It is call Arava and is a DMARD which stands for disease modifying antirheumtic drug. They basically suppress your immune system from attacking your body. In autoimmune diseases the immune system attacks the body and these types of drugs suppress or slow down the immune system which in turn, if you find the one that works for you, calms down the disease process. I have tried three DMARD's and I am hopeful this is the one I can call mine. I haven't had any of the side effects Dr. Beherendsen warned me of and I am feeling better. This surly doesn't mean I'm cured. I am still having issues don't get me wrong but better none the less. My fatigue has improved significantly and that improvement alone is huge. Very huge! If you have ever experienced extreme fatigue, unexplainable fatigue, you will understand how huge this improvement really is. When you are less fatigued you are able to live better and do more. I am still having joint pain and inflammation. My elbow, fingers especially my pinky joints, and my right knee being the main areas at this time or as I like to say the pain dejour this week is....... My right knee, elbow, and fingers. Next weeks dejour maybe totally different so you learn to go with the flow, one day at a time!  When he examined my joints he felt the inflammation and explained it to me perfectly. My right knee has been extremely painful at night but my right pinky is a 24/7 issue and has been for some time now. He said because of the arthritis when you have a joint that isn't in motion, such as when you sleep, the fluid in there which is usually like jello was before you put it in the frig turns into jello after it has been put in the frig. The joint pain is caused because the fluid is gelling which in turn causes the pain. This is the reason the problem for me is better as I continue to move and hence the severe nighttime pain. This also happens to me if I sit or any period of time. He said we could inject my knee to ease the pain but we decided to wait until our next appointment in four weeks. He explained since I have improved on this medication it is only going to get better so hopefully these joint issues continue to improve and if not I'll get shot up. I'm no stranger to that either so if it need be its fine with me. He said usually by three months there is much more improvement with this medication and by six months more improvement and by nine months I should be a lot better. According to my math that's eight more months but what's eight months compared to ten years? A small drop in the bucket. I can't even imagine my life being handed back to me after 10 years. I've felt like shit for so long it's hard to imagine what life might be like without pain and suffering. Is this really happening? Could this be true? I can hardly wrap my brain around the thought.  I thanked him and told him, "You mean to tell me I could have started this drug ten years ago and been better all this time?" He said, "Yes. This drug came out in 2000." I sighed and decided right then and there I had to let it go and look forward and not backward when it came to all of this and to be happy Dr. Berendsen has been sent here to practice. That story is crazy too because he was hired to replace my other Rheumatologist and the timing of me setting up an appointment with him was bizarre. Then the day after I saw him in the Metro health system I find out he is switching to the Spectrum Health system where all my doctors are practicing through. This was no coincidence but a  blessing I am grateful for. A God thing.  I hope and believe this is the beginning to a final acceptance of this disease process. Ok maybe not a total acceptance but a deeper understanding of how and why things happen when they do. All of this is so complex. Having all of my issues explained to me in terms that it has never has been explained to me before has helped me so much. Stay tuned for a hopeful remission!

God Bless!

Dianne

Exercise and Chronic Illness

When it comes to chronic illness and exercise the two words don't mix very well. Honestly I have always been an active person by staying on my feet moving and keeping busy. Doing laundry, cleaning here and there, cooking , etc but true blue exercise has never been on the top of my list. Looking back and from what I still experience the pain exercise has caused me always made me feel like it was easier not to do it. I have tried everything and truthfully I hate exercising. It's hard to explain how hard it is for the chronically ill. I thought yoga was my exercise but after we moved and I found a new place to go I began experiencing more pain that I knew was from the yoga so I stopped going. I would walk a little here and there but never took it all that serious. After we moved I gained weight and when I mean I gained I gained a lot. The move was very hard on me not only physically but emotionally. My emotional eating got the best of me. I am one of the worst emotional eaters on the planet. It isn't that I hold things in but I am a worrier and when I worry I eat. I have had this issue my whole life and as I have aged it has only gotten worse. A few months ago I began to think about all this extra baggage I have been carrying around and decided I need to get serious about getting rid of some of it. I know I'll never be a skinny person but I need to get healthier. I also know the benefits of exercise. 

In June I took the leap and signed up for a class at the pool. Arthritis exercise. It has been about five weeks and I am definelty feeling the difference. I love it and I believe this is my exercise. The long search in trying to find what works for me hasn't been easy but at least I feel like the search is over. Was it easy taking the leap signing up for the class? No! It can be very intimidating signing up for anything when you deal with physical issues. The questions run through your head. Will I fit in? Will I be able to keep up? What if I get half way through the class and I am weak and have to leave? What if? What if? I brought my thinking back around and told myself if I don't try I'll never know and if I didn't like it I didn't have to sign back up again. I went the first time and the women in the group welcomed me with open arms. They are all so warm and nice which made that first class very easy and the rest of the weeks I have felt very good about going. Mind you I am the youngest one I the class and young enough to be their daughter but I don't care. I feel better. Working out in the water is so much easier on my joints and doing it for an hour goes by very fast. I have no pain in the water.

I have also added walking to my exercise list. I like walking in nature but my body doesn't love it. Yesterday I made it for a fifteen minute walk and felt like I was walking through thick mud. When I went out I had the intention of walking thirty minute but after ten I was exhausted. I know, makes no sense but true none the less. I forced myself to go fifteen and continued to tell myself fifteen is better than zero. Last night I took my bike out and rode a mile, not much on a bike but still a mile more than if I was sitting in my chair.

Is exercising helping me? Yes! Is exercising causing me more pain? Yes! Is it worth it? Yes! I may have a few more issues going on but I'm not going to quit because of them. I am hoping over time they improve plus I will never know if I quit now. Is it a constant struggle? Yes! But I'm doing it. I have to say it to you, "If I can do it you can do it." Believe me you can! I have to go it's time for a walk!

God Bless!

Dianne